Death of a difficult elderly family member.

[Sittinonthesand]

Just wondering if aibu about my feelings - or rather lack of them. He could be very unkind, judgemental, snobbish, no empathy - probably a narcissist. Really horrible about anyone living in difficult circumstances. Fell out with loads of people. But ‘respectable’, middle class, dinner party having, church going. Strongly disliked random, perfectly nice family members. I feel so ‘fake’ about it all - everyone really does knows what he was like but do we all have to pretend to be desperately sad?

My main question is - what do I say if people say how sad it is to me at the funeral? Just ‘yes’ and change the subject? ‘At least they aren’t suffering anymore’?. I would feel very awkward talking in depth - I just need some cliches up my sleeve!

Thank you all for these helpful comments. I do have to go - I want to. I’m in a semi-host role. Lots of useful phrases - I think I might put myself into ‘work mode’ for the day. To the pp who suggested a veil - we’ll be masked up anyway, so that’s something! To the pp with the less useful advice to not act like a dick, that’s the opposite of what f what I want to do! I’d like be dignified but not fake!

Ooops, forgot to delete last 5 words. Plenty of good advice on this thread already.

A friend is a humanist minister. When they're conducting a funeral, they speak to family and friends to get a sense of what should be included. Sometimes, people don't have a good word to say for the deceased and, frankly, their lives will be the easier now that they don't have to deal with him/her.

For some families, they actively choose to say, "Let his life be a terrible warning to others. We sacrificed so much and contorted ourselves to meet his/her demands and it was never enough. We should never have tolerated it and we can't let it continue to influence us into the future. While we're together, let's celebrate that we survived this."

I can't stand hypocrisy when a poisonous person dies. If I didn't like them in life, them dying doesn't change that. The rose tinted " he was a character " type comments dont wash with me. Just go and support other family members and just make non committal noises if someone tries to make them out to be a saint.

With a mask and a veil you'd have all your expressions well disguised OP I'd probably go for both and just say "he's in a better place now" etc

At least you won't have to shake hands with anyone due to covid, or get too close- and there will be less people at the funeral than there may have been...

I think it's important to be able to be honest if he was horrible.
Lying for social convention is still lying, but others usually don't cope well with direct truths so that could be uncomfortable for you on the day.

My Mother is a (genuine) Narc. Mostly she functions to others by funnelling it at one person at at time (usually, me). So others will have (I hope, for their sakes) better memories of her. But mine are still true.
So, when the times comes, I will probably say: 'I am glad you have those memories of her'. Because I am. But I don't. Both equally valid.
I will go, as it will finish the mourning for having a 'Mother' in my life.
I will say: 'nice service, glad you have those memories, good weather'
And it will pass, like her.

@EmbarrassingAdmissions

A friend is a humanist minister. When they're conducting a funeral, they speak to family and friends to get a sense of what should be included. Sometimes, people don't have a good word to say for the deceased and, frankly, their lives will be the easier now that they don't have to deal with him/her.

For some families, they actively choose to say, "Let his life be a terrible warning to others. We sacrificed so much and contorted ourselves to meet his/her demands and it was never enough. We should never have tolerated it and we can't let it continue to influence us into the future. While we're together, let's celebrate that we survived this."

Yes I heard of a man who stood up at his father's funeral and said things like that. Everyone was very shocked and upset by it, so I suspect it was only him who benefitted.

This is a really tough position to be in How do you think other family members will be feeling? It's one thing if you can all agree that he was a difficult bastard, another (and harder) if some of them will either have different memories of him or just rewrite the past. This happened with my mum's mum, who was a difficult and complicated woman who got worse and worse as she aged. Mum and our side of the family all openly felt and acknowledged how unpleasant she could be, but my aunt and her family totally rewrote this, and it was my aunt who spoke to the vicar (who hadn't actually ever met my grandmother), so it was like going to a service for an entirely different person. There and at the wake things were either invented or totally recast (e.g. 'remember if she got cross she'd throw crockery at the wall and smash it? What a character she was, so funny!' while we were all thinking 'yes, a terrifying character who bordered on abusive as a mother because she frightened her children'). It would have been a lot easier if we all could have acknowledged reality but we just had to go along with it really, as it was clear that my aunt and cousins were very attached to this person they'd imagined. I don't think of it as lying or feel any guilt over it because it was such an impossible situation, but I did try and stay non-committal. They still sometimes try and go on about what an amazing woman she was and I just try and change the subject asap.

I presume as it's during Covid, the only people there will be people close to him who will presumably know exactly what he was like. So I don't think you will have to do any pretending.

This is what platitudes were made for. I’ve been to lots of funerals for professional reasons.
“Wasn’t it a lovely/fitting service”
“I didn’t know Bob has spent all that time in navy/scouts/the bank”
“”He would have hated cups of tea rather than beer, he loved a free sausage roll etc”

And the pandemic provides a lot of cover.

“I hadn’t seen him in months because of blasted social distancing” never mind he was an arsehole and the distance was for your benefit.
“Was such a worry for the last year”
“If only we could have been together more often”
“There’s so many in a similar situation, our tragedy pales a little”

There’s no shame in keeping it light and cliche.

My grandfather's funeral was a bit like this. I don't think anyone was particularly sad. I don't expect anyone is expecting you to weep buckets.

I’ve already decided that I won’t be going to my FIL funeral. He was unpleasant in life so I’m not going to watch people fawn all over his death.

My husband always tells the story of when he woke me up to tell me my grandfather had died. I said "oh ok" and turned round and went straight back to sleep!

Life is much easier without the obligation of visiting him, I'm a year on and I have never felt sad for one second. He was a twisted bitter old man with no quality of life lying in a nursing home unable to move for 5 years. It really was kinder that he passed away. Thankfully it was public knowledge that he was a difficult man but I certainly wouldn't have exchanged pleasantries about him at the funeral. Just say 'nice to see you'

Been there, done that, it might not be as bad as you think, if other family members are of similar mind.

It’s the end of an era isn’t it? What beautiful flowers.

Thank you for coming, how are the family?

Lovely service, Aunty Beryl is looking well.

If everyone feels the same there’s no need to be fake. You can acknowledge that he was difficult, and that the sadness is not at the ending of his life, but at the fact that he didn’t live a life that was kinder and more tolerant.

With the masks on and the social distancing, social chit chat is pretty much at a minimum anyway, I don't think much more than 'thanks so much for coming' 'it has been very difficult lately hasn't it' and so forth will be required. No-one can see your face anyway.

There’s no shame in keeping it light and cliche. It's not shame that makes me hesitant, I don't want to lie, don't want to have to go back 20 years and sudenly pretend again!

I want to say that he wasn't much of a father, he was a liar, a thief a con man and that most of his victims will be the people stood looking at me!

DSis and I have long spoken about him that bluntly. It will be hard not to in front of family members who may well have been ripped off by him but still want to see the open handed, generous person he portrayed himself as (even whilst knowing it was their money he was being generous with).

There has to be something that isn't faux sadness, sympathy that will do!

“Funerals are such a good time for reflection aren’t they”.

there surely wont be too many people

how about
It was a blessed release.
he is on a different road now

There is nothing wrong with not feeling sadness of someone's death if you did not like them or get on with them. Celebrating someone's death is another matter and completely wrong. I disliked Margaret Thatcher's policies as Prime Minister, but never celebrated her death, for example.

There may be something that you can be positive or neutral about- you noted that the deceased was a church goer, so assuming the funeral is in church, you can legitimately remark on how important the church was to him.

I wouldn't go personally but if I had to I'd just smile and go mmmm whenever anyone asked me anything, they'd soon get the message I didn't want to talk about it and could then draw their own conclusions as to why.

When the vicar asked for hints about what to say about my late mother, I told him she was 'volatile'. He used it! We all knew she was a woman of extremes, it wasn't news to us and it didn't mean we loved her any less.

You don't have to be sad that a nasty man has died, OP.

'He'll be happy now, he's gone to a better place!' might work.

@Tal45

I wouldn't go personally but if I had to I'd just smile and go mmmm whenever anyone asked me anything, they'd soon get the message I didn't want to talk about it and could then draw their own conclusions as to why.

The alternative view is that OP could use the funeral as a way to finalize things in her head and move on. Im not saying you are wrong at all but thats what I intend to do. If OP is organizing it then there wont be a " wasnt he marvellous" eulogy and most they tend to be " Jim loved his garden and bowls blah blah" anyway

Elderly people's funerals are rarely about crying and pretending to be grief-stricken. Most of the people will be saying things like "well he had a good innings" or "he'll be missed at the bowls club". Absolutely nobody will expect you to be showing sadness or grief - he was elderly, he passed away, it's the normal way that we all go.

Just smile and say thank you if anyone sympathises, but honestly it's not likely that they will.

I'd just say 'He was one of a kind'.