Death of a difficult elderly family member.

[Sittinonthesand]

Just wondering if aibu about my feelings - or rather lack of them. He could be very unkind, judgemental, snobbish, no empathy - probably a narcissist. Really horrible about anyone living in difficult circumstances. Fell out with loads of people. But ‘respectable’, middle class, dinner party having, church going. Strongly disliked random, perfectly nice family members. I feel so ‘fake’ about it all - everyone really does knows what he was like but do we all have to pretend to be desperately sad?

My main question is - what do I say if people say how sad it is to me at the funeral? Just ‘yes’ and change the subject? ‘At least they aren’t suffering anymore’?. I would feel very awkward talking in depth - I just need some cliches up my sleeve!

"Hes in a better place now."
"The family are all holding up well."
"He'd have loved to hear everyone's kind words."
"Thank you for coming, I know it means a lot to my mum/gran/main mourner"
"We're just glad he's not suffering anymore."

He sounds like a delight Jensons. Glad that everyone understood and the wake sounds ok

I would wear a hat with a veil so my face is partly obscured and practice saying phrases like " he was one in a million" and any others you can think of that have a double meaning. Only you will know what you really mean and you won't be lying.

Lovely service
He his at peace now
Thank you for coming
It’s good to see you

We’d probably say “he was a moany old bastard, but he was ours, I’m glad he’s at peace”

He sounds like my dad
But in all honesty I’ve always wondered how I will cope with the niceties one day

You can change the subject slightly. If they say "it's such a tragedy for you" - you could say something like "Well, he had a long illness so in some way I was prepared for it, but it's still surprising when it happens" OR if it's a sudden death mention you were surprised it happened so quickly. You're not actually agreeing with them but just continuing on talking about the subject. Then you can just direct it to them. Especially now there are people you probably haven't seen in a while so ask them about their life etc.

@JensonsAcolyte

When my Grandad died he left essentially a poison pen letter to be read at his funeral.

My poor uncle had to heavily edit it. All about what a disappointment his daughters were and how hard and sad his life had been since their mother died (his second wife of nearly 40 years loved hearing that). Horrible swipes about all us lazy scrounging grandchildren.

Gran died suddenly at 50, Grandad remarried within a year and moved abroad to her home country. Came back in his 80s and my mum and aunts provided all his care. He was a racist bigot who never had a good word to say about anyone.

Anyway at the funeral/wake we all got drunk and laughed about it, nobody pretended he was anything he wasn’t.

I had quite a similar experience at the funeral of a colleague who was quite an unpleasant spiteful woman.

Her equally unlikeable son read out a letter she had left and it included telling one grandchild that she was getting nothing in the will with the words 'Hah. I got the last laugh in the end'.

I think the main words people spoke were about 'how interesting the service was.

I had this with my father’s funeral. I nearly didn’t go because I wasn’t prepared to gloss over the realities. I did in the end and it was fine because I was able to be frank about the truth and it was acknowledged by people.

I completely agree with a PP with the "Thank you for coming" or "It's good to see you" response to whatever's been said, rather than feeling cornered into agreeing with them how very sad it is etc and end up saying things that you don't really feel just to be socially polite.

Even if most people there suspected it wasn't the easiest of relationships for you, they will also do the socially polite thing of saying "how sad" etc because that's what you say at funerals. Nothing wrong with not actually addressing that back directly, just swerve it.

I once worked with a lovely colleague but who, if anyone asked her a direct question she didn't want to answer, I noticed she would literally say something completely different.

i.e "X, what were the managers arguing about when you took the papers into their office? Looked juicy".

X: "My Internet went down last night right in the middle of my online banking. I didn't know if I'd finished the payment or not. I'm going to ring them up today and tell them I'm thinking of ditching them".

She did this with a completely straight face and without any recognition at all of what you'd just asked. It was a lesson to me (who'd been brought up to answer a direct question with a direct answer even if I didn't want to) that you could actually literally just swerve things and most will not pick you up on it. And if they do, she'd just say something else completely different. You'd have to be a really pushy person to then say 'You just completely ignored my question". Somehow it would have been awkward

Covid gives you the perfect excuse not to go especially if you'd have to travel. Post funeral socialising is supposed to be minimal so even if you do go I'd leave straight after the service and nod and say "he's at peace now" or other bland platitudes to anyone there digging for an emotional response. There should be hardly anyone there and those there should know what he was like

Absolutely this butterfly
For example:
‘I’m so sorry for your loss, you must be devastated. He was a lovely man wasn’t he? Such fun!’
‘Thank you for coming. It’s great to see you/The weather has been kind/How are your family? etc...’

I agree with replying to everything with
"Thank you for coming"

I think most things " so sad, Im so sorry for your loss, so sad hes gone" are covered by that.
I know exactly where you are coming from

It didn't feel fake, it felt like a group of people sharing an understanding and a bond of how fragile life can be, so don't squander it being an unpleasant dick.

Where have you got the impression OP is planning on being an unpleasant dick? They are asking for advice on what to say at the funeral of someone who by all accounts sounds like an ‘unpleasant dick’, precisely so that they are not unpleasant to other people at the funeral. No need for that harsh comment at all.

I feel so ‘fake’ about it all - everyone really does knows what he was like but do we all have to pretend to be desperately sad?

Odds are a sizeable number of the other attendees will be feeling the same. Or so I have discovered on the odd occasion I have been in that situation.

I've focused on thanking people for coming, commiserating with people for their loss etc.

Just to clarify:
Wellwisher
‘I’m so sorry for your loss, you must be devastated. He was a lovely man wasn’t he? Such fun!’
Your response
‘Thank you for coming. It’s great to see you/The weather has been kind/How are your family? etc...’

He wasn't perfect but it was a decent send off.

@HeathIns

Just to clarify: Wellwisher ‘I’m so sorry for your loss, you must be devastated. He was a lovely man wasn’t he? Such fun!’ Your response ‘Thank you for coming. It’s great to see you/The weather has been kind/How are your family? etc...’

Yes this sort of thing.

I suppose you could try and muster up some feelings of kindness and sadness if you dwell on the fact that he now no longer has any opportunity to change and grow as a human. I heard a story of the dalai llama who when he heard of mao's death (he'd been awful to bhuddists) had compassionate tears streaming down his face for that reason.

we went to a funeral of someone a bit like that and people just constantly asked how they were and were kind to each other.

Where have you got the impression OP is planning on being an unpleasant dick?

I think ImaginaryCat was referring to the general life lesson from the dead, not the OP.

I don’t think you need to pretend to be feeling desperately sad when you’re not. Just attend the funeral and as others have said if anyone says how sad you can say ‘he had a good life’ or ‘at least his suffering is over now’ or ‘it was a lovely service’.

You can see the funeral as closure, or you lending support to anyone who is sad. You don’t have to be deeply saddened at every funeral. I think your reaction will depend on whether you were deeply hurt by this relative while they were alive or whether you are largely indifferent to them and their death.

Assuming in the UK, if actually going, it's a close relative.

When my father died (v. different, not a dreadful person), he'd been in and out of hospital, clearly his health wasn't going to get any better, and his death was far from the dignified passing he would have wanted.
I responded to all the "how dreadful" comments with something like "it was a timely death" no one is immortal FFS. (I didn't say the immortal bit out loud)

• If you go, and your choice whether to or not, there is no compulsion, just work out your own formulation of words that you feel comfortable with and isn't going to offend anyone, and stick to it.

"May he rest in peace" "gone to a better place" - or something like that, even if not particularly or remotely heartfelt.

Remember because of Covid regulations, there probably won’t be a wake or much chance to talk, and everyone will be wearing masks. It’s never been easier to avoid unwanted conversations!

We go to funerals to support those who are mourning. Having recently been at a much-loved relative’s funeral and seeing friends and family who had come from a distance, I felt a bit comforted despite the masks and social distancing.

All you need to do

@Sleepingdogs12

I would just say , thank you for coming/asking . We are OK , what a nice service etc. In my experience people dont have in depth conversations about the deceased ar funerals. Hope you get through it OK.

That. I don't recall much conversion about the deceased at all, following the services I've been to. People generally just catch up with each other, unless there was something shocking or particularly untimely or sad about the loss.

I suspect you're over-thinking this.

You may find most people don’t ask that sort of thing at all and that it’s very much ‘lovely service’.