Death of a difficult elderly family member.

[Sittinonthesand]

Just wondering if aibu about my feelings - or rather lack of them. He could be very unkind, judgemental, snobbish, no empathy - probably a narcissist. Really horrible about anyone living in difficult circumstances. Fell out with loads of people. But ‘respectable’, middle class, dinner party having, church going. Strongly disliked random, perfectly nice family members. I feel so ‘fake’ about it all - everyone really does knows what he was like but do we all have to pretend to be desperately sad?

My main question is - what do I say if people say how sad it is to me at the funeral? Just ‘yes’ and change the subject? ‘At least they aren’t suffering anymore’?. I would feel very awkward talking in depth - I just need some cliches up my sleeve!

I think you are overthinking this...............with the covid restrictions how many people will be at the funeral anyway that you don't already know well? I've been to two funerals recently and there really wasn't much opportunity to chat

It's a difficult life for an older person who's perhaps not had a positive life or relationships and it's not all that difficult to see how they can become bitter and twisted.Throw in pain and illness into the mix and I think many of us could be cantankerous.
Go to the funeral with a gracious and forgivi g attitude and perhaps reflect on how a life can be half lived.

@lockeddownandcrazy

Everyone miraculously becomes a perfect person after death - the elderly, the little toerags on the TV who have died because they were running from police in a TWOK'd car - suddenly they are just little angels who are misunderstood and the miserable old bats become benign old ladies.

Not my experience. You always hear 'tributes' to them full of euphemisms e.g. 'she wasn't afraid to disagree' for someone who fell out with everyone, 'he had a strong personality' for a nasty person. We don't speak ill of the dead, but we don't have to pretend they were saints either.

This 'speaking ill of the dead'. If we speak ill of them when they're living then... what's the point of reining it in when they're dead? That is fakery.

I wondered at the reasoning behind it as it's such a monstrously hypocritical thing and it's apparently the belief that if you speak ill of the dead it gets 'counted against you' when your own time is up. As if chuntering on about said person and slagging them off during their lifetime was nothing at all...

I'm signing up for direct cremation, brain and spinal chord to MS Trust first - and my ashes can go in the bin. People can say whatever they like, there won't be an 'event' for them to have to pretend.

“Every death is sad” covers most contingencies.

My dad died shortly before COVID. He wasnt a particularly nice man - didnt see the point of making any effort and he had been unwell for many years. So at his very small funeral I wore a brightly coloured dress and gave a small reading in tribute to one of his achievements. As a family we refused to be unnecessarily polite. His time had really come. I think the attendees at the funeral (close family and long standing family friends) mostly knew how difficult he could be and were fine with it. We just all enjoyed catching up. So dont be fake.

OP, you are under no obligation to attend. Funerals are not for the deceased person, they are for the family and friends left behind, to help them deal with their grief.
If you not only feel no grief, but are glad the unpleasant old so and so has gone, then the funeral would serve no purpose for you.
I did not attend either of my parents’ funerals. They were abusive and unloving, and I had been ‘no contact’ with them for years before they died. It would have felt very hypocritical to attend, and as I’m autistic I cannot easily tell lies for social reasons.
I would just accept your own feelings, whatever they are - relief he is gone, perhaps, or gladness that your future will not contain him - and ignore the funeral.
There will be a limit on numbers anyway, due to Covid restrictions, so you can tell the family you are freeing up a place for another relative.

This is the way it is sometimes. Some people are horrible. When they die it doesn't change a lifetime of shitty behaviour.

@toolatetofixate

This is the way it is sometimes. Some people are horrible. When they die it doesn't change a lifetime of shitty behaviour.

This. ^ Does my head in it does. As I said about the man I used to know some 20 years back who died; he was a horrible man when he was alive, and him dying didn't change that. I, like the other 10 people I mentioned, refused to go to his funeral.

We were not going to mourn someone like this, or show our respect. Why should we? We was a nasty man, he deserved nothing from the people he had been so nasty to.

Another thing that boils my piss is people going to funerals of people they've had fuckall to do with for 15-20 years or more. You couldn't be arsed with them for all these years, why bother now they're dead?! If someone turns up at DH's funeral (if he goes before me,) who has had nothing to do with us since the 1990s, I'll tell them to fuck off. Yep, that's what I said!

@lockeddownandcrazy

Everyone miraculously becomes a perfect person after death - the elderly, the little toerags on the TV who have died because they were running from police in a TWOK'd car - suddenly they are just little angels who are misunderstood and the miserable old bats become benign old ladies.

This too. I get sick of the 'awww he was SUCH a nice bloke' comments when a 30 y.o man dies in a car crash, when he was driving at 100 mph, (and probably over the limit!)

And the lovely compliments from people, about cantankerous old battleaxes (who were horrible and rude when they were alive,) makes me go

@Griselda1

It's a difficult life for an older person who's perhaps not had a positive life or relationships and it's not all that difficult to see how they can become bitter and twisted.Throw in pain and illness into the mix and I think many of us could be cantankerous. Go to the funeral with a gracious and forgivi g attitude and perhaps reflect on how a life can be half lived.

What utter rot.

Just because someone has had a bit of a tough life/a bit of a rough ride, that doesn't give them carte blanche to be a nasty arsehole to everyone they meet.

Plenty of people have experienced tragedy and hard times in their life, and manage to be civil, kind, loving people.

'Forgiveness' is overrated. And some people don't deserve the privilege of being forgiven...

"He's at peace now."
"Yes, I know. I was just going to get XYZ, can I fetch something for you?"
"I'm doing OK thanks, how are you feeling?"

At a funeral, there are always people who remain calm and help out others, by listening to them talk, getting them a tea or whatever. Either because that's their nature, or they're not particularly upset. You can take on that role and ask other how they feel and let them talk or ask if you can do anything for them.

You'll probably find some people are more honest than you expect...

I am of the view that everyone needs a "send-off" - even if they were horrible, a funeral helps people to mentally draw a line and begin to move on, which is why they're so important. You can send him off calmly and quietly without having to perform IYSWIM.