Helping a homeless old man...but aibu to stop helping?

[lonelylou09]

The old couple opposite me had a huge row and her son kicked the guy out. He's 72 and had no where to go so he's now spent over 2 weeks squatting in an abandoned camper van at the end of the street.
There's no water, no toilet, no electricity or heating. It's damp and mouldy and drafty.
He literally left with the clothes he was wearing at the time and 3 small dogs.
I found out after he had already been there a few days so I went to check on him. I've sorted him out food, blankets, dog food and water and been making him hot water bottles every night as it's freezing cold.
I got in touch with the council and our community councillors as well as various charities to get him as much help as I could.
I've bought him a phone so he can be contacted by the council and make calls. My boss donated him a camping stove and gas so he could cook the food he had been given. So we've also then given him pans and lights and other bits and bobs.
Council wanted to get him in to temporary accommodation straight away..he refused because they wouldn't allow dogs.
I understand that because I have dogs and I know he's got nothing else..no friends or family.
But checked his phone for him today and he's got missed calls from the council so I called them back and they to my amazement offer him somewhere temporary that he can go with the 3 dogs. I'm over the moon thinking it's going to be minus 4 out there tonight!
He then turns the place down because it's near a main road in a nearby town. I offered to take him to have a look and I could hear the council lady explaining to him that his health and wellbeing is more important than the risk of the road to the dogs or being in an area he doesn't want to go but he's having non of it..
He'd rather stay in the van until something better comes up.
I spoke to the lady myself and she said if he turns an offer down again they will no longer class him as homeless.
He won't have it though and said everyone's helping me so I'll stay where I am for now.

I'm frustrated beyond belief. I've been helping him as he had no choice but now he's made the choice to stay there in those conditions..
Aibu to withdraw my day to day help?
I haven't called on him this evening to collect my hot water bottles to refill for him as I'm really annoyed about him doing that today..
But I feel so guilty.
Is it a case of you can only do so much or should I still continue to help?
I feel like him taking the help is enabling him to stay there but I feel terrible tonight thinking he will be cold and he might literally freeze to death.

As a side note, it's a pretty crazy world where old people smoke weed every day. I remember when older people were considered the responsibile ones.

It's going to be interesting to see what the older generation are like in about 40 years time!!

@LynetteScavo he's scared of the son who assaulted him so he doesn't want to go back there. Even when the mum then turned on the son and he left for a few days he didn't try to go back.
He just thinks the council will magic up a bungalow in the village for him with a garden for the dogs

What must he have done that his own son is content to let him sleep rough aged 72

Leave him to fend for himself. You've done more than enough

Sounds like there's more to this than meets the eye

@tttigress it's the ladies house..they have lived there together for over 10 years..he thought he was on the tenancy but isn't. Lady went into hospital recently and discharged herself and her son moved in to take over her care..but he's admitted to me himself he can't cope with her as she's mad. But the man is rightly scared if the son and so won't go back

I am wondering if you could possibly raise a Safeguarding with social work team. If he is living in fear of her son, it may be that police need to be involved and soon might need a restraining order or something. Sounds like they are all quite vulnerable but his life would be easier at home now she has a package of care going in. Having said that, if she is threatening to have his did put down it does not sound like they are in a very happy relationship either!!!

@sheilatakeasheilatakeabow it's not his son...her son who is dodgy as hell and I normally only see him there once a year with a car full of men all drink driving and falling all over the lawn.
Now he's moved in.
I've spoken to both her son and her daughter and they both told me he's done no wrong...it's the mum ..hence her then turning in the son a couple of days later and kicking him out the house.

What do you want to do OP? I think that's what you have to decide. It sounds like you don't want to help any more, then feel guilty for not helping and then feel resentful that you feel bad?

Maybe what you need to do is just be honest with him, tell him you wanted to help him get back on his feet but you're really disappointed he wouldn't take any of the accommodation offered and you can't keep up the level of help you've been giving.
Perhaps tell him if he's willing to take up the housing offered you'll ring the council for him. That way you're showing that you're still trying to help if he's able/willing to move forward in a positive way, but not willing to be dragged down by his negative spiral if he chooses to go the other way.

You can't afford to let this impact on your mental health OP xxx

If he really took care of her for over 10 years it seems odd he would never have looked at the tenancy. You seem keen to stay involved so fine, do what you want.

What is the saying? Don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.
Any more help and you are deliberately enabling this situation. You've already unwittingly prevented him from moving. Of course he would rather stay where he is with you running round after him. It's not your problem to sort out. Make that clear, and walk away. Even if it makes you seem like the bad guy. Think of the big picture here.

I doubt he's actually allowed to stay where he is. So somebody needs to explain if he rejects that suitable offer he's going to end up with nothing.

id stop helping him. Youve done loads. Everyones tried to help him. This is now his lifestyle choice.
You can take a horse to water but you cant make it drink.

Very difficult, whatever you do to try and help they will draw you into their dysfunction, people who are struggling deserve help and compassion but how can you help people who are locked in to self sabotage and will not be reasonable 🤷🏼‍♀️

if he is mentally competent he makes his own choices. He lives in a country where he has been offered warm, safe accommodation - and they will even let him take the dogs which is NOT what social services are for.

if he refuses that with capacity, that's up to him. Step right away, you've already done a huge amount and can be very proud of that.

How can people not RTFT or at least read the OP carefully? Drives me mad.

OP, you are lovely! You remind me of my mum - thinking of those less fortunate even if it means worrying yourself, and despite your own things going on. So similar. (I miss her ).

I think you do need to step back, maybe tell him you'll bring him hot water bottles until the weather warms up AND THAT IS IT. He needs to accept this accommodation offered or he won't be rehoused at all. I know it's hard if he won't accept it, but he needs that final warning. And then you will know you've done all you can.

You've done all you can. He doesn't want the accommodation offered. So you either carry on doing what you are or back off. The circumstances are irrelevant to the council. They have discharged their duties. If he declines the offer, that's that. He is aware of this.

People make so many assumptions about why someone is homeless.

Most refuse or don't engage. It's not a case of "the council won't do anything", as you've just encountered.

If he refused to engage, the local authority don't just write him off. They'll keep doing checks, he'll be on meeting agendas and ways to help will still be investigated.

Although I would want to know the circumstances of him being thrown out of the family home.

You did a really good thing.

What a difficult situation! You're clearly a very kind and caring person, OP.

I think you should tell this gentleman that you've done your best to help him but if he refuses the council accommodation then there is no more that you can do and you'll be withdrawing your assistance.

I note also that he is 72. I wouldn't describe a 72-year-old as "old". He should be capable of answering a phone and speaking to the council on his own behalf - unless of course he has learning disabilities, but you haven't mentioned that he does so I assume that he hasn't and is capable.

I volunteer with rough sleepers myself and it's really common for people to refuse accommodation because they don't want to be split up from their dogs. They provide them with companionship, warmth, a reason to get up each day and keep going... the idea of giving that up and being completely on their own is often just unthinkable.

It's difficult as this man has three dogs, so he's unlikely to find accommodation willing to take them, and he's unlikely to find a friend willing to foster them. Three is an ask. I completely understand why your own circumstances won't allow you to take them in - you have to think of their safety, and the safety of your own existing pets. Five dogs of varying breeds and behaviours together is a serious lifestyle change where you'd have to look after the pack full-time to make sure none of them attacked each other!

The ideal scenario would be if someone he trusts could take in the dogs whilst he is temporarily rehoused and gets back on his feet. I'm sure he's terrified that someone takes his dogs and refuses to give them back.

You've been very kind. It's upsetting when you can see a solution and a rough sleeper won't take it, but as with every problem in life, change has to come from within. Just because you would take the offer with both hands doesn't mean he has to, if his priority is sticking together with who are probably his three best friends in the whole world.

The dogs are simultaneously his life line and the reason why he can't get help, his saviour and his downfall.
He's emotionally bonded to the things which are preventing him accessing proper help, he is in a trap of his own making ☹️

YANBU to step away. If anything YABU to have been enabling him in this way. Suddenly finding himself with no support whatsoever might focus his mind on accepting the official help in future. In the meantime, if he dies, he dies. It's not your fault, it's not your problem, so don't worry about him.

Welcome to support work sometimes we fight tooth and nail for accommodation for people and they turn it down for these reasons. Often people think we just haven’t tried hard enough

He has capacity to make unwise decisions by the sounds of it.
However - make a referral to your local Safeguarding service you can do this anonymously and they are duty bound to look into it (they may assess there is nothing they can do as he has capacity) but then he is on their radar.

Good luck

I do have concerns about getting someone who can't work it a gas stove to use in someone else's campervan. The 2 pictures of the man don't add up. On the one hand he moved in with this woman in some capacity in his late 50s early 60s so probably still working and was then her carer so presumably very capable and managing their finances. He's 72 so will have access to a pension.
There is then the other picture of the man who the OP finds living in a damp campervan that isn't his with no food ? having been starving himself and the dogs for 3 days and seemingly incapable of working out how to get food help and money.
I would not have been bringing him little presents for the campervan, and definitely not a gas stove. I would have contacted the adults with incapacity dept as he sounds incapable of looking after himself and the dogs. They could have looked at getting an advocacy worker to see about retrieving his belongings from the flat. He sounds far less capable than most 72 year olds.

The council have offered him somewhere he can go temporarily with three dogs! He's choosing to stay in the van.

The OP clearly says this in the first post.

Agree, but he's only choosing to stay there because the OP has taken on the role of his carer and has made the van more habitable rather than just phoning SS and getting him and the dogs moved. She said he had no food so she had to provide food. If he has lost the ability to access money and buy food SS would have stepped in earlier and the RSPCA if he wasn't feeding his dogs

It sounds like he wants a housing association property in a non-housing association area. That's obviously not going to happen. The only other reality check I can think of is to obtain a map of the area showing where the housing association properties are, so he can see there are none in the area he wants to live.

Does he realise that temporary accommodation and permanent accommodation are literally separate properties? So he will not be offered a permanent one if they're currently looking at a temporary one for him, because permanent ones aren't used for people needing temporary accommodation.

The only other angle I can think of is the dogs. If they're his main priority you could get the RSPCA involved, if the van is that awful perhaps they'd put pressure on him to provide more suitable housing for the dogs if he doesn't want them removed. I'm not sure what the criteria is for adequate dog housing.

Otherwise it sounds as though you've exhausted all avenues of help. He has to engage with it and you can't force him to. There are people who refuse to comply with the terms of help offered and choose to remain on the streets instead. Although they probably wouldn't see it like that themselves. It's very sad.

If you don't want to walk away completely I suggest you move to being a friend and nothing more, someone who drops by for a chat every few weeks, but not involved in giving advice or trying to fix anything. Accepting his lifestyle choices. If he asks your advice, offer to charge his phone, then point him towards the relavent organisation.

You're totally right about your experiences with the GP when you were unwell. They shouldn't have treated you like that. I'm sorry you experienced it .