Helping a homeless old man...but aibu to stop helping?

[lonelylou09]

The old couple opposite me had a huge row and her son kicked the guy out. He's 72 and had no where to go so he's now spent over 2 weeks squatting in an abandoned camper van at the end of the street.
There's no water, no toilet, no electricity or heating. It's damp and mouldy and drafty.
He literally left with the clothes he was wearing at the time and 3 small dogs.
I found out after he had already been there a few days so I went to check on him. I've sorted him out food, blankets, dog food and water and been making him hot water bottles every night as it's freezing cold.
I got in touch with the council and our community councillors as well as various charities to get him as much help as I could.
I've bought him a phone so he can be contacted by the council and make calls. My boss donated him a camping stove and gas so he could cook the food he had been given. So we've also then given him pans and lights and other bits and bobs.
Council wanted to get him in to temporary accommodation straight away..he refused because they wouldn't allow dogs.
I understand that because I have dogs and I know he's got nothing else..no friends or family.
But checked his phone for him today and he's got missed calls from the council so I called them back and they to my amazement offer him somewhere temporary that he can go with the 3 dogs. I'm over the moon thinking it's going to be minus 4 out there tonight!
He then turns the place down because it's near a main road in a nearby town. I offered to take him to have a look and I could hear the council lady explaining to him that his health and wellbeing is more important than the risk of the road to the dogs or being in an area he doesn't want to go but he's having non of it..
He'd rather stay in the van until something better comes up.
I spoke to the lady myself and she said if he turns an offer down again they will no longer class him as homeless.
He won't have it though and said everyone's helping me so I'll stay where I am for now.

I'm frustrated beyond belief. I've been helping him as he had no choice but now he's made the choice to stay there in those conditions..
Aibu to withdraw my day to day help?
I haven't called on him this evening to collect my hot water bottles to refill for him as I'm really annoyed about him doing that today..
But I feel so guilty.
Is it a case of you can only do so much or should I still continue to help?
I feel like him taking the help is enabling him to stay there but I feel terrible tonight thinking he will be cold and he might literally freeze to death.

Sounds like the son will ask him to go back if he's admitting he's not coping with the mum ( who needs a carer). You've done what you can.

You’ve done so much for him already. There is help out there and it’s up to him now to access it.

@MrsTulipTattsyrup
I don't know the full goings on but been told by the son and the daughter that it's not through anything he has done. The mum has been batty for years and health is rapidly declining and she's prone to lash out. She's housebound now so I don't think she is in any state to care if he is at the end of the road. I know the son has been over and tried to get him back in the house but the old guy has already had his head smashed by the son when he assaulted him..I know this from another neighbour.
Up until the recent hospital stay he was caring for the lady and taking care of everything. Now she has carers going in several times a day. So he's not incapable of looking after himself but can't work the simple phone I bought him or set the gas up in the camping stove.
Just replied to someone else regarding the dogs..he's got 3! And I've already got 2 large dogs myself or I probably would of offered..but I don't think he would agree

It was very kind of you to help. Now you need to step back. He can make his own decisions & seek help from council/ housing/cab. 72 isn't elderly, my mum is 74 & holds down a professional job full time. Time for him to start helping himself

I sometimes feel sorry for GPs, even though ours is a cunt, because so many see them as some sort of wizard available for all manner of services and advice. This man is not ill; he doesn't need to take up a GP's time.

@snowblower yes that's why I bought him a phone but he can't work it and can't hear it ring.
Thank you everyone for making me feel better..I feel like a terrible person for not going to see him tonight for the hot water bottles.
Perhaps I do need to be more stern with him and say I was helping because he needed it but I can't continue to help while he is making a choice to be there.
I'm working full time..sometimes 12 hour days and have homelife and 2 dogs and a horse to be taking care off.
He needs to be made clear that if he doesn't take the next place they offer he will never get anywhere and if the owner does ever come back for his van he isn't going to be happy about a squatter.
The council have a legal obligation to house him during covid but as the lady said today they can't do anything if he won't go

@AlexaShutUp thank you!
He's always been lovely to me and I couldn't believe that he had been in there for days when I found out and no one was helping or doing anything. Everyone just turning a blind eye.
But yes I feel like either I'm damned if I do or damned if I don't.
I don't want to be helping encourage him to stay there but also it's really pained me tonight to not pop down and just take 5 minutes out my day to make sure he is warm for a little while.
But the local councillor said the same..if it wasn't for the dogs he would of been warm and cosy as soon as the council knew. I get why he didn't want to leave/lose his dogs but to hear him then somewhere down because it was in town and by a road and he wants somewhere to walk the dogs is just beyond.

Dare I say it?
He's probably quite happy in the van.
Put yourself in his shoes.
He's gone from being the carer of a difficult drunken elderly woman (which can't be easy), to living peacefully in his van and having other people ie. you, OP, running round after him ensuring he's warm, fed and as comfortable as possible.
No wonder he doesn't want to move elsewhere - including back home!
Step away.
You have already gone above and beyond what many people would have done.
You are in danger of becoming his enabler OP. - but you sound very kind and caring.

You can take a horse to water but you can't make it drink.
He doesn't want to accept the help you have got him. He needs to understand what his options really are.

@Wingedharpy I wish that was the case but it's damp and mouldy in there and we are right by the coast so it's always windy. Hes freezing cold in there and worried someone will steal the dogs.
Whatever their relationship was he's gone from living in a centrally heated home with company and a garden and a toilet to probably waiting til night time to crap in the nearby field and be awake all night as he's too cold to sleep.
He's not even got a change of clothes as he's too sacred of her son to go back to the house. My neighbor said when he knocked on his door he was covered in blood from a head wound with no where to go and the 3dogs with him as she said he would have them all put to sleep.
Hes sitting in the van all day alone in the dark and cold and he's said it's doing his head in.
But it's his choice now as he could be safe and cosy tonight

@PastMyBestBeforeDate yes there's only so much you can do and I've been gentle with him as hes older than me so I don't feel I can boss him about and tell him what to do. He thinks as he has a roof over his head he isn't desperate but he's not taking it on board that there's not an unlimited supply of help out there

Maybe 1 last attempt to persuade him tomorrow, given that he'll have had tonight's experience of no help from you.?
You need to say this is how it will be from hereonin Fred, living in this van, as I'm unable to do it any more due to other commitments.
He may be more inclined to take up the Council's offer having had to manage without you tonight.

To whoever said about this not being the GPs problem you're right, but the NHS will end up picking up a much higher cost if he ends up in hospital than if he takes up a GP appointment for advice. But it sounds like it's not an option anyway.

There is another option. Does he realise that if housing association accommodation isn't for him, due to location perhaps, the council can help him get a private rental? They can sort out his benefits, help him obtain furniture, help with a loan/grant for the cost of the deposit and will have a list of landlords who will accept housing benefit and possibly dogs too. Maybe that would suit him better. He still needs to take the temporary accommodation I think though.

You could ask the council hypothetically if he could say he's happy in the van temporarily until a permanent home is sorted out. As it's not going to be towed and appears to not have an owner to complain about him living in it. I don't know if he could remain in the system that way. Assessed as needing permanent accommodation but suitably housed temporarily, especially if he goes for a private rental.

I think people are treated as a sort of 'bed blocker' in temporary accommodation, if they don't bid on anything or aren't successful then after a year the council offer a permanent home of their choosing. You can't stay in temporary accommodation forever. So I don't know if someone needs to be in official temporary accommodation to realistically receive help.

It's hard to say what the apathy is. It could be pure selfishness, or lack of understanding that people are only carrying on helping him very short term until he found a temporary place. It could be the drinking, which might have got out of control now his situation has worsened (or else if he's broke is he in withdrawal?). He could be in shock at what's happening and passive due to that. Did he go to hospital after the assault? Could he have concussion? It's cold, he could have low level hypothermia frequently. I've had it and it's like something switches your brain off almost completely, you'd lay down to sleep on a pavement in the rain because it seemed like the best option right now.

TBH if it's really minus 4 where you are tonight he could be dead by morning so then none of this will matter.

72 isnt that old. He sounds perfectly capable of making his own decisions. You've gone above and beyond already. Line in the sand.

Has this man told you why he was thrown out of his own home, and have the Wife and son been to see him at all or even know where he is.

It's super good that you have been helping him in lots of ways,so you are bound to be annoyed at him, for not accepting some other help. He may be forced to leave at some point if he gets in a mess of some sorts.

I can just imagine an elderly person.and his dogs living like this, when things have fallen apart at home, very sad,

Re the dogs, he could try this charity;

cinnamon.org.uk/home/

They can arrange for temporary fostering of the dogs until he is in a position to have them himself. I've used this charity to help with the dogs of women who are fleeing domestic violence and they are great. Maybe worth a try.

Leave him. He can make his own choices in life. Right now he's choosing not to move forward and help himself. Maybe because he doesn't want to accept that his life is changing? Maybe he thinks he can go back? Who knows. We can sit around postulating about his reasons until the cows come home. The point is that he doesn't want to move on.

You've been really nice and done a good thing. You don't have to do any more. Let him make his own choices.

I hate to say it but I think you've done what you can and he needs to help himself. It's sad but it's not your problem, there are resources out there to help him

He is clearly really struggling, there's no need to understand it more than that. You've been really kind. I don't know if not making the hot water bottles will make you feel good, is that something you could continue with?

What a mess.

The church might have someone who could try to talk to him.

Since he cares about his dogs' welfare more than his own, you might be able to convince him by appealing to that. Explain that the dogs will deteriorate and can die if he doesn't improve their conditions.

Like others have said though, noone could blame you for giving up, you have done more than enough and more than most people would have done. Try to remember: "put the oxygen mask on yourself first before helping others"

I don’t understand why you enabled him to stay in this situation rather than engaging with social services and charities.

But you are where you are now and I think it’s cruel to remove your assistance without warning.

@Sapho47

Our local doctors is horrendous for trying to get appointments let along for someone else.i once walked in there in tears saying I needed to speak to someone as I was suicidal and had tried to kill myself and needed help...I was turned away and told to go to A and E

What were you expecting them to do? They don't have the equipment or supplies to deal with things like that. You need A&E in an emergency not a gp.

I don’t understand this comment and I’m not sure what equipment and supplies they would need in this situation? Some compassion and a duty of care to make sure OP was given some immediate support during a mental health crisis would be a start. Not turning someone away to make their own way to A&E which is quite some distance away. They could have arranged some transport for the OP to go to A&E at least.

I would and be very clear, he takes the place or you withdraw your support. He’s abusing those dogs by not taking it. You could report to the rspca.

What a difficult situation. You mentioned "her son" had thrown him out of the house? So it's not his son as well? Presumably it's not his house and somewhere down the line he made the decision to move in with a woman you say has "been batty for years" and an alcoholic.

Perhaps he is as much of a problem as her, in that he seems unwilling to have his own accommodation. And why does he have 3 dogs if thats his accommodation situation? Living in someone else's home?

I think you're a little over involved OP but also not in full possession of the facts which might make all this more understandable.

What gets me is that he is living in a van which is presumably taxed, insured and mobile because its parked on a public road, but he can't simply park it a bit nearer your town's public conveniences!