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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Helping a homeless old man...but aibu to stop helping?

111 replies

lonelylou09 · 05/03/2021 22:47

The old couple opposite me had a huge row and her son kicked the guy out. He's 72 and had no where to go so he's now spent over 2 weeks squatting in an abandoned camper van at the end of the street.
There's no water, no toilet, no electricity or heating. It's damp and mouldy and drafty.
He literally left with the clothes he was wearing at the time and 3 small dogs.
I found out after he had already been there a few days so I went to check on him. I've sorted him out food, blankets, dog food and water and been making him hot water bottles every night as it's freezing cold.
I got in touch with the council and our community councillors as well as various charities to get him as much help as I could.
I've bought him a phone so he can be contacted by the council and make calls. My boss donated him a camping stove and gas so he could cook the food he had been given. So we've also then given him pans and lights and other bits and bobs.
Council wanted to get him in to temporary accommodation straight away..he refused because they wouldn't allow dogs.
I understand that because I have dogs and I know he's got nothing else..no friends or family.
But checked his phone for him today and he's got missed calls from the council so I called them back and they to my amazement offer him somewhere temporary that he can go with the 3 dogs. I'm over the moon thinking it's going to be minus 4 out there tonight!
He then turns the place down because it's near a main road in a nearby town. I offered to take him to have a look and I could hear the council lady explaining to him that his health and wellbeing is more important than the risk of the road to the dogs or being in an area he doesn't want to go but he's having non of it..
He'd rather stay in the van until something better comes up.
I spoke to the lady myself and she said if he turns an offer down again they will no longer class him as homeless.
He won't have it though and said everyone's helping me so I'll stay where I am for now.

I'm frustrated beyond belief. I've been helping him as he had no choice but now he's made the choice to stay there in those conditions..
Aibu to withdraw my day to day help?
I haven't called on him this evening to collect my hot water bottles to refill for him as I'm really annoyed about him doing that today..
But I feel so guilty.
Is it a case of you can only do so much or should I still continue to help?
I feel like him taking the help is enabling him to stay there but I feel terrible tonight thinking he will be cold and he might literally freeze to death.

OP posts:
Bubbinsmakesthree · 06/03/2021 08:36

I am quite surprised the council offered him accommodation at all to be honest and amazed they gave him a second chance with somewhere that was suitable for his dogs.

But if they have said the next offer is the last one, they will mean it - they’ll class him as ‘intentionally homeless’ and that will be it, no more offers, no more help.

The next offer might not be an improvement on the last one but he really must take it, irrespective of what it is. Otherwise he will be living in an abandoned van forever unless his partner takes him back in.

You have been exceptionally kind, most people would not have been anywhere near as supportive as you have been.

If it were me I would scale back the support you’re giving him at this stage as he needs to understand he can’t rely on it as an alternative to getting help elsewhere. But I’d keep on helping him with speaking to the council and trying to convince him to take up an offer of temporary accommodation. It sounds like he’s not fully able to do this for himself.

If he takes up council temp accommodation it will be better for him, and better for you (as you won’t be left worrying about him living in this abandoned van, either feeling guilty if you’ve withdrawn your help or having the continued burden of helping him).

I know you’ve done this already but I would really focus on impressing on him the importance of accepting the council’s next offer, as this is really as last chance saloon.

Original poster
lonelylou09 · 06/03/2021 09:48

@Sapho47 ..erm maybe I was hoping for someone to help so I didn't want to kill myself? A slight bit of human compassion or care? I was previously being treated there for depression so perhaps I was hoping by admitting to myself and someone else that I needed help as I was scaring myself that someone would help...not send me to get a bus to a hospital 2 hours away when I was in such a state.
When people do kill themselves you have people like you saying oh why didn't they ask for help from someone? Why didn't they go get medical help?
I tried..it took an huge step on my behalf to do so and to be turned away was devastating.

OP posts:
Laggartha · 06/03/2021 09:51

You have been exceptionally kind, most people would not have been anywhere near as supportive as you have been... If it were me I would scale back the support you’re giving him at this stage as he needs to understand he can’t rely on it as an alternative to getting help elsewhere

But it doesn't sound as though he wants the help. Perhaps it doesn't feel like help to him.

Original poster
lonelylou09 · 06/03/2021 09:53

@GreenlandTheMovie he's lived there for 10 years plus with his partner..hardly living in someone else's house. He gave up his previous place to move in with his partner as most people do.
The van is an abandoned camper van that has been parked up in a parking space by some flats for 2 years or so. I'm guessing it's SORN..I doubt very much it could be driven anywhere and then he would be parking illegally

OP posts:
Original poster
lonelylou09 · 06/03/2021 09:59

@AmberItsACertainty we live in a tourist area so rental prices and sky high and places for us non tourists are low in availablity.
The council have a limit to how much housing benefit they will pay and it certainly wouldn't cover much more than half his rent.
The local homeless charity have had someone offer to pay a deposit if private accommodation could be found but he would still need a bond..a month's rent at least up front..and I know myself harldy any landlords will allow dogs or take on DSS tenants. Private wouldn't be a realistic option for him. I work full time and I would be unable to pay private round here.

OP posts:
Original poster
lonelylou09 · 06/03/2021 10:02

@1forAll74 yes see my previous posts. Break down in their relationship and it's the ladies son..he's assaulted the man and they both threw him out. The son has since tried to make amends and the lady then threw the son out although he is back now and struggling to cope with his mum.
She is now house bound and has carers in daily

OP posts:
MessagesKeepGettingClearer · 06/03/2021 10:05

Has he got a mental health illness?

If not, then you need to step back. He's 74 not 94. My dad's 70 and can we'll look after himself.

There's obviously more to this if the family have rejected him. Maybe he's abusive. Either way, he isn't your problem. You've done the human thing and provided the basics. If he won't accept anything more sustaining that's on him.

YANBU to explain to him it's that place or nothing and that you now will leave it up to him.

My hunch is he was a bad husband/father and is now using you to get what he wants. He needs to wake up.

Original poster
lonelylou09 · 06/03/2021 10:07

@Laggartha if you read my post you will see that I have done my best to get him out of the situation. I've liased with the local council, I've spread the word locally..not that anyone else really cared..I've got our local community counselor on the case. I've been in touch with our local homeless charity and a dog food charity. Everything else I have done was to help him be warm and fed and comfortable until he could get out of the situation he had found himself in..through no fault of his own.
He had spent days sitting in the van in the cold and dark with no food before I found out he was there.
It was the least I could do to help but if after 2 weeks of all this help he refuses to help himself what more can I do?

OP posts:
Original poster
lonelylou09 · 06/03/2021 10:10

@MessagesKeepGettingClearer..not the case at all. I'm sure he's no angel and he drinks but I work in the local shop so I know he's cared for his partner as her health has gone downhill. I've spoken to both her son and her daughter and they have told me he's done nothing wrong. That the mother has gone more crazy hence her now needing the extra care from daily carers.

OP posts:
Chimoia · 06/03/2021 10:12

Some people are hard to help and you will be acting against his best interests to keep helping. Well done though for helping and reporting.

Original poster
lonelylou09 · 06/03/2021 10:14

@tattychicken if he won't move because he doesn't want to live near a main road with the dogs there's no way he would let anyone take them from him.
The council lady who offered him a placement with the dogs was trying to say he needs to put himself first but he said he would rather stay where he is so he has somewhere nice to walk the dogs.

OP posts:
2Rebecca · 06/03/2021 10:17

You sound overinvolved in someone else's problem. They all sound dysfunctional. He can decide to make choices you don't approve of. He isn't your friend or relative. Time to detach. You're starting to sound a bit controlling in wanting him to make sensible choices. He sounds like chancer the way he got housed by the old lady over the road. Find another project.

Throwntothewolves · 06/03/2021 10:19

You have really gone above and beyond to help him, you're very kind. But you're right, continuing to offer that level of assistance to him is enabling him. Why would he want to change the situation when he doesn't need to? He has a choice of places to live, so he needs to decide what's best for himself (and his dogs)

LynetteScavo · 06/03/2021 10:27

I think he's trying to get back into the house with his ex, and by accepting the accommodation he'd be giving up on that possibility.

You've done what you can to help, by not helping him further may mean he eventually starts to help himself.

caringcarer · 06/03/2021 10:32

You sound a lovely kind person but you need to step away and then when the help stops he will change his mind and ring council and go to live in town. I think the more you do will just prolong his stay in van.

Boatonthehorizon · 06/03/2021 10:33

If he hasnt done anything wrong, can he not just move back home.
I know a lot of posts on here are all very 'throw him out, let him die' based. But men are human too.
Can he not just go back home. Better for him, the son, the wife and the dogs.

Norwaydidnthappen · 06/03/2021 10:36

Does he have any right to stay in the home he was kicked out of? As in, is it a joint ownership/tenancy? He definitely has a right at least to his belongings...

I’d leave him to it personally, you’ve gone way above and beyond what most people would.

TooManyAdverts · 06/03/2021 10:38

You sound very lovely and kind and caring.
You can do no more.
God helps those who help themselves - maybe you should too ☺️

Bubbinsmakesthree · 06/03/2021 10:49

@Laggartha

You have been exceptionally kind, most people would not have been anywhere near as supportive as you have been... If it were me I would scale back the support you’re giving him at this stage as he needs to understand he can’t rely on it as an alternative to getting help elsewhere

But it doesn't sound as though he wants the help. Perhaps it doesn't feel like help to him.

It’s true to say there are many people who refuse the support that is available.

It sounds like he is really struggling to accept the idea of moving away from the location he lives in now (rural, by the sounds of things) into a town.

Of course, he can make the decision to stay out but he needs to understand how grave the situation is - if he refuses this next offer from the council there won’t be a better one round the corner.

If he refuses the next offer he is on his own. That’s his choice, but it’s a serious one. If OP can help him realise that it will be better for all in the long term.

2Rebecca · 06/03/2021 10:52

It sounds as though it's not his son and his wife though. He's only 72. He could contact citizens advice etc. No one is saying he should die. He has options and is choosing to reject them. Maybe the son thought he was taking advantage of his mother? We don't know. The OP can adopt him as a pretend father figure if she wants but that isn't helping him live independently

TheYearOfSmallThings · 06/03/2021 10:55

You sound fantastic, but I would definitely disengage. I would first tell him very clearly and bluntly that no more help will be forthcoming because it is unsafe for him and his dogs to live in a van when suitable accommodation has been offered. I would also say that will not be chasing the council further (from his point of view you have quickly obtained 2 offers, and he probably believes you can get him a local one). Then step away. He is now choosing to live in a van over better options - it is not a good choice, but you can't change it.

Original poster
lonelylou09 · 06/03/2021 10:56

@2Rebecca they have been in a relationship for 10 or more years that I have known of. He has taken care of her daily as her health has failed. I know this as I live opposite and work in the local shop.
He needed someone to help so I did.

I really hope you never find yourself in such a situation and have everyone not wanting to help you!

OP posts:
Original poster
lonelylou09 · 06/03/2021 10:59

@Boatonthehorizon the son doesn't normally live there. Hes a shady character and turns up now and then with a car full of drunk men. He assaulted the guy..pushed him over and punched him a few times. He had a head injury when he asked my next door neighbour for help...I don't think even after the son has apologized that he feels safe going back.

OP posts:
Original poster
lonelylou09 · 06/03/2021 11:00

@Norwaydidnthappen he thought he was in the tenancy as that was apparently discussed between them when he moved in but she never did it according to the council

OP posts:
tttigress · 06/03/2021 11:01

How's house was it that he was kicked out of? Sounds like he could have been kicked out of his own house by someone that doesn't live there. Very sad, I doubt the son is an angel in this situation.