Helping a homeless old man...but aibu to stop helping?

[lonelylou09]

The old couple opposite me had a huge row and her son kicked the guy out. He's 72 and had no where to go so he's now spent over 2 weeks squatting in an abandoned camper van at the end of the street.
There's no water, no toilet, no electricity or heating. It's damp and mouldy and drafty.
He literally left with the clothes he was wearing at the time and 3 small dogs.
I found out after he had already been there a few days so I went to check on him. I've sorted him out food, blankets, dog food and water and been making him hot water bottles every night as it's freezing cold.
I got in touch with the council and our community councillors as well as various charities to get him as much help as I could.
I've bought him a phone so he can be contacted by the council and make calls. My boss donated him a camping stove and gas so he could cook the food he had been given. So we've also then given him pans and lights and other bits and bobs.
Council wanted to get him in to temporary accommodation straight away..he refused because they wouldn't allow dogs.
I understand that because I have dogs and I know he's got nothing else..no friends or family.
But checked his phone for him today and he's got missed calls from the council so I called them back and they to my amazement offer him somewhere temporary that he can go with the 3 dogs. I'm over the moon thinking it's going to be minus 4 out there tonight!
He then turns the place down because it's near a main road in a nearby town. I offered to take him to have a look and I could hear the council lady explaining to him that his health and wellbeing is more important than the risk of the road to the dogs or being in an area he doesn't want to go but he's having non of it..
He'd rather stay in the van until something better comes up.
I spoke to the lady myself and she said if he turns an offer down again they will no longer class him as homeless.
He won't have it though and said everyone's helping me so I'll stay where I am for now.

I'm frustrated beyond belief. I've been helping him as he had no choice but now he's made the choice to stay there in those conditions..
Aibu to withdraw my day to day help?
I haven't called on him this evening to collect my hot water bottles to refill for him as I'm really annoyed about him doing that today..
But I feel so guilty.
Is it a case of you can only do so much or should I still continue to help?
I feel like him taking the help is enabling him to stay there but I feel terrible tonight thinking he will be cold and he might literally freeze to death.

[Teentitansonloop]

Believe or not but I know one man in his 70s who sleeps rough and actually likes it, he as everything set up e.g. sleeping bags and he reckons that as long as the temperature is above -10 he can be reasonably comfortable. He is obviously VERY eccentric and hardy, most people wouldn't cope I suspect. What I'm saying is that, with the right sleeping bags etc it is possible to survive in these circumstances, and it might be what he's comfortable with just now?

[oil0W0lio]

he's only choosing to stay there because the OP has taken on the role of his carer and has made the van more habitable rather than just phoning SS and getting him and the dogs moved
I think you are being too harsh on the OP she responded to her compassionate instincts to try and make him more comfortable, maybe this wasnt the optimal way to deal with the situation but she isnt pretending to be a professional and she did contact relevant organizations

[Saz12]

OP, you’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t.

Help him whilst he’s in the van? Then you’re enabling him to stay there with some level of comfort.
Leave him to it? Then you’re abandoning him to cold, hunger, and misery.
For your own sake you need to acknowledge that there is no good solution here. No right answer to what you “should” do.

Does he really know what will actually happen if he refuses all accommodation? I’m guessing he thinks eventually “they” will give up and “realise they need to house him where he wants”. Could you explain how it works? I’d there an outreach team, or similar in the area?
Is he hoping the son will leave again and he can move back home?

[Unusualusernames]

Aww I wish you were my neighbour. Can't see anyone round here doing that for me no yanbu he is and I think you have to be cruel to be kind sometimes.

[lonelylou09]

@mcclucky the 2nd offer the council made him was temporary accommodation with all 3 dogs included. I think this has only been offered as our local community counselor has got involved and been on to the council himself.
I was amazed they found him somewhere with the 3 dogs but he turned it down as he doesn't want to leave the village.

[lonelylou09]

@pinkstinks yes the council have suggested that the police could be involved to do welfare checks on him.
The camper van was broken into and so he is squatting in there. The owner left it under the care of another neighbour.
It's very frustrating as I understood his initial reluctance to be parted from his dogs being a dog owner myself ..but then being allowed to take the dogs he comes up with another excuse not to go

[lonelylou09]

@2Rebecca the camping stove was donated so he can cook himself some food. He can use it he just was wary of having to change the canister with him never having used one before.
I contacted the council and a local homeless organisation and our local community counselor the next day. As well as a dog food charity that the homeless organisation suggested. The initial problem was he wouldn't be parted with his dogs.
I have dogs myself so I understood that.
He hid in the van for the first few days as he was violently assaulted by her son and was scared of anything further happening to him.
I was willing to help make sure he was as comfortable as possible while the various organizations did what they were meant to do..or find him somewhere so he wasn't homeless.
The local community counselor offered to try to negotiate getting some of his belongings back but he was scared of further dealings/attacks from the son.
Yes I took him food because I'm that sort of person to make an extra plate of hot food up for someone...you've obviously never known what it's like to go hungry for days or be sitting in the dark and the cold...I do! And I only got through those times due to other people helping and caring and not turning their nose up in disgust as you seem to be doing.

[lonelylou09]

As an update now 2 days later...
I have not helped since. I've been in touch with everyone who has helped and explained that he is now choosing to stay there when he's been offered somewhere. I've tried to explain the situation to him but he just thinks he will get somewhere in the village...he won't..there's a few housing association flats .all of which are full and don't allow dogs. What council housing is left after right to buy are all full and either 2 or 3 bed which he wouldn't get.
As I think I've mentioned I work in the village shop and my boss has been involved with the family also and has also said he's done nothing wrong to be kicked out of his home so violently.
She's also heard the son apologize for the assualt ..admitting he went too far.. probably because he was also drunk.
I've messaged and spoken to the daughter as she was trying to advertise for somewhere private to take him.. unaware that he had had an offer.
I've also spoken to the neighbour who was meant to be keeping an eye on the camper van and who knew he was in there but thought it was only for a few days as he had asked to go in their house and they refused. She said he can't stay there as the owner will go mental about him being in there and it was only meant to be for a night or 2. She said she will speak to him and tell him he has to get out of there.
I have considered calling the RSPCA but I know from previous experience they aren't much help and the dogs have food and water and shelter and he takes them out for walks regularly.
I've seen him while I've been on work in the shop and he's bought 3 large bottles of whiskey in the last 2 days so I think I've done the right thing stepping back as until /unless he wants to help himself there's nothing anyone can do.

[cabbageking]

If he has been abused and assaulted he may lack capacity to make sensible decisions. Has he had any assessment of needs to ensure he has not had any get up and go beaten out of him?

[user64332]

You sound way too involved in all the drama, but it all sounds so rural maybe there isn't much going on. He is 72, perfectly capable of making his own decisions and appeals if he choses to. Plenty of 70 year olds still work, he can manage the situation himself stop enabling him.

[AmberItsACertainty]

This is so frustrating. He's had people bending over backwards for him, giving him gold standard treatment and he's turned it all down because it's still not good enough for him. Crazy. All those people wasting their time too.

It's bad he's buying alcohol whilst taking dog food off a charity, poor morals. Being an alcoholic won't be helping his judgement either. That's the last avenue, alcohol services. Unless the daughter comes up with something private rented. But I don't suppose he wants to sober up and see sense. Wouldn't happen in time for him not to lose this flat anyway. What a mess. I hope you can feel at peace with your decision to withdraw your help, now you've seen his chosen path. Some people are just determined to self destruct.