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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to get him fired

82 replies

obviouslynamechang · 05/03/2021 16:00

OK I don't know if it would result in firing...

Basically I am friends with a woman I worked with, we were really close friends at one point. She has made no effort and the friendship has become non-existent mainly because of her DH.

Her DH is quite outspoken on social media. He posts a lot of elitist and outrageous things including racist things - not explicitly "i hate black people" but more like "black people are not as clever because..."
he is factually abusive - he doesn't let her do things, go out, speak to people - she always refers to it as a form of love and thinks it's amazing, often trying to tell everyone how amazing her husband is and no one else matters. (We are late twenties btw).

He's just posted something that incites hate speech on social media and a lot of other colleagues (we all have gone on to new jobs) have messaged me, shocked. Especially the black members of our group which my friend is (was?) in.

Would it just be stupid to anonymously send it to his work? He works for a large city company which needs to uphold its standards. He has a well paid high position. His social media is set to the same as an influencer so he can track things so it's a public business account.

OP posts:

zzzooomwatcher · 05/03/2021 16:04

Do it. I would for sure. Obvs anon though you don't need it coming back on your friend if he is abusive.

justanotherneighinparadise · 05/03/2021 16:05

I would just dump them as friends on social media so you couldn’t see what he’s posted.

You can report the post I think so perhaps that’s the way forward. I wouldn’t get him fired as I think that’s too much bad karma for me, the ramifications could be extremely detrimental in f the guys a lunatic and I wouldn’t want that on my conscience.

justanotherneighinparadise · 05/03/2021 16:06

@zzzooomwatcher

Do it. I would for sure. Obvs anon though you don't need it coming back on your friend if he is abusive.

Well let’s see. If he’s abusive and loses his job is that going to make OP’s friends life more or less safe do you think?

AlexaShutUp · 05/03/2021 16:07

Yanbu to report it. Though personally, I would put my name on it and not do it anonymously.

Ermidunno · 05/03/2021 16:09

I’d just end the friendship and unfollow him and her. His attitude is disgusting but I’m not in the business of getting people fired. If it’s set to public then I’m sure many people in his organisation know.

Kgrzghtechh · 05/03/2021 16:10

Well let’s see. If he’s abusive and loses his job is that going to make OP’s friends life more or less safe do you think?

My thought too.

Alexandernevermind · 05/03/2021 16:10

I hate it when people post stuff like that. I wouldn't report to his work but I would (and have on many occasions) reported posts on FB.

GrumpyHoonMain · 05/03/2021 16:12

Do it. Screenshot it all.

MixedUpFiles · 05/03/2021 16:18

Drop him on social media. Do not participate in the latest era of thought policing. His views are absolutely abhorrent and his employer may well decide to let him go at some point, but don’t become one of those people hunting down those who step out of line.

As for your friend, just try to be there for her if she ever does decide to wake up and leave. If he does something explicit, then yes, point it out to her, but it won’t help to simply criticize him in general.

Original poster

obviouslynamechang · 05/03/2021 16:20

My friend is a big girl, at the moment his grip on her isn't too tight, I am sure it's worse with lockdown. I am sure her life sucks and I've tried but she brings it on herself. She has hurt me so much because of her 'priorities to her hubby'

Also it's outing to say, but our lives are intertwined currently, so I can't just block them. Instagram agreed the post was hate speech and removed it.

I have screenshots. They are both as bad as each other to be honest, the amount of times I got angry as she did something quite grim - for example, they screenshot pictures of their friends if they put on weight and send it in the family group chat and all laugh. She sees no shame in this. He doesn't make her do that.

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Original poster

obviouslynamechang · 05/03/2021 16:20

Should probably add that I am not white. Hence why I might take it particularly badly.

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Hoppinggreen · 05/03/2021 16:20

My decision would be based on how it could affect my friend

Merryoldgoat · 05/03/2021 16:22

Why on earth do you associate with these people? You clearly don’t like either of them.

Mellonsprite · 05/03/2021 16:23

At my place of work you could well get fired for making racist posts. A lot of firms have very strict social media policies.
He’s an idiot to do this. I would just unfollow him so I didn’t have to see his racist shite.

PeteWicksSexyPirate · 05/03/2021 16:24

How is “black people aren’t clever because...” anything but explicitly racist?!
I would report in a heartbeat, I assume he wants to climb the greasy pole, imagine being a woman of colour working under him? Pffft.

Sahm101 · 05/03/2021 16:27

I think you just admit the reason you want to do this is out of spite towards your friend who has cooled your friendship. It's very clear. And why is all your ex colleagues messaging you about this?
If you were concerned about your friend, and your reason to report was hate speech - you wouldn't report him.
If you want to spite your friend then you were just waiting for a reason.

Ohdoleavemealone · 05/03/2021 16:32

I think if he is abusive and he loses his job then your friend will get the brunt of his anger.

NotFabulousDarling · 05/03/2021 16:32

From your first post I was thinking you weren't being unreasonable. From your subsequent post I see character assassination going on.
It's coming across like you're all as bad as each other.
Did your colleagues message you or did you message them? Be honest? Why would they flock to you? Are you the HR manager? If so you should already know how to start the disciplinary process for a member of staff.

sonjadog · 05/03/2021 16:39

You obviously don't like her either. Why not just ignore them both? Even if your lives are entwined in real life, you can still ignore them on social media.

HerNameIsY0shimi · 05/03/2021 16:43

Ooooooh so tough. I would probably not do it...but maybe I would! He's abusive and racist. So hard to have sympathy with him. He sounds horrendous. But, there's something holds me back from saying "YEAH, go for it". I don't know what. If I found someone else had done it, I probably wouldn't feel sorry for someone like that, who I knew to be both abusive to women and racist. But at the same time, I don't think I'd do it.

Sorry, that's so vague.

RandomMess · 05/03/2021 16:44

If someone is posting clearly racist things then yes report them not because you do or don't like them but because racism is utterly vile and needs stamping out.

AlexaShutUp · 05/03/2021 16:47

If someone is posting clearly racist things then yes report them not because you do or don't like them but because racism is utterly vile and needs stamping out.

Well said @RandomMess.

Original poster

obviouslynamechang · 05/03/2021 16:48

@NotFabulousDarling

From your first post I was thinking you weren't being unreasonable. From your subsequent post I see character assassination going on. It's coming across like you're all as bad as each other. Did your colleagues message you or did you message them? Be honest? Why would they flock to you? Are you the HR manager? If so you should already know how to start the disciplinary process for a member of staff.

they came to me because the posts in question are something I now work in and advocate for, a charity. So his posts were directly against the work I do.

I don't think she would become more abused - his abuse is currently coercive. Only her close friends know about it, he's controlling. He is not violent. She would say he isn't abusive at all. It's my own opinion based on the evidence.

It's a friendship group, so a lot of us talk and live together still from our first graduate posting.

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Original poster

obviouslynamechang · 05/03/2021 16:49

@AlexaShutUp

If someone is posting clearly racist things then yes report them not because you do or don't like them but because racism is utterly vile and needs stamping out.

Well said @RandomMess.

agreed. I have attempted to talk to him first about it but I get shot down alot.

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babbaloushka · 05/03/2021 17:06

I would report, and have done. Freedom of speech doesn't mean freedom from consequences. He chose to say and share those things, you're just making it public.

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