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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was I wrong to go on my phone?

79 replies

Notquitesureaboutthis · 05/03/2021 10:26

DP and I booked a day off today to spend together. Was going to binge watch telly but then agreed to tidy.

We went shops and came home. I made us a drink. He drank his tea whilst starting to tidy. I went to browse on MN whilst I had a my coffee. Said I'd start on the kitchen after my coffee.

He mutters "fucks sake" under his breath. I ask him "what?". He said I didn't book a day off for you to go on your phone. Instead I should be talking to him. If he started conversing I would have engaged of course. But he hadn't said anything until that point...

I tried explaining that I think he's being a bit controlling and it's just escalated from there and he has mocked my feelings since.

I did get upset at one point and then he instantly said he feels like a prick and wanted to cuddle me but that fucked my head up because one minute he's being unkind and then the next wants me to open my arms?! I said no I don't want to hug right now and he said "fuck ya then".

Now I'm confused. Was I so wrong to go on my phone?

OP posts:
DIshedUp · 05/03/2021 10:29

No. He's being completely ridiculous. He wasn't exactly interacting with you either?

Although tbh if I'd specifically booked a day off to spend with my DP I'd be a bit pissed off if the plan for the day was housework

jazzyroll · 05/03/2021 10:29

I sort of agree with him. Time flies when you're messing with your phone. When my partner and I book a day off, we spend it together and dont really use the phone unless we absolutely have too.

Fuckadoodledoooo · 05/03/2021 10:31

No he's a massive baby.

FuckyouCovid21 · 05/03/2021 10:32

Seems a bit of an extreme reaction, you were finishing your coffee and told him you'd make a start when you had; or are you always on your phone and he gets pissed off with it in general?

aSofaNearYou · 05/03/2021 10:33

I think this depends on whether you generally spend a lot of time on your phone and it's causing distance in your relationship.

Ilovelove · 05/03/2021 10:34

If we had agreed to do something - I think going on a phone is really annoying.

It's interesting for the person doing it - but its very exclusionary to the person who isn't.

When my husband gets really huffy about me on my phone it is because he needs attention but doesn't know an adult way to ask for it, so throws a strop. Could this be it with your husband?

FlyNow · 05/03/2021 10:34

I'm with you, it's nice to spend the day together but it doesn't have to be (or rather can't possibly be) 8 hours of chatting when you are just at home.

Whenever people say this it's usually that they are annoyed at you for another reason and it's like an easy win to get at you. Because who could defend "going on a phone over talking to a dp" if it's worded like that.

Aprilx · 05/03/2021 10:35

To be honest, if we had agreed to do the housework and I got on with it whilst DH takes a seat and gets on his iPad, yes I’d be a bit annoyed. YABU.

Inpeace · 05/03/2021 10:37

I think he’s talking about availability , possibly in time or emotionally or both.

It would be the same if you sat down with a book or the newspaper or the TV - he feels it would be rude / uncomfortable to chat in a relaxed way when you are ‘busy’.

I agree with him and I don’t want to do that to my family (so do actually leave my phone in the hall, my book by the sofa and TV I don’t bother unless it’s with someone) at family times otherwise it is tempting to ‘just check’ ‘just lookup something’ etc

drink coffee with him not the world outside

OverweightPidgeon · 05/03/2021 10:37

I kind of agree with him, I think that we can underestimate how much time we spend on phones etc , we might not think it’s a lot but others may notice that a person always seems to be checking their phone , it might just be a quick check for emails etc but it can be annoying.

SummerInSun · 05/03/2021 10:38

I agree with him on the initial point about the phone (although he should have said something polite or made a joke about it rather than swearing). You booked a day off to spend together and by picking up your phone to be on Mumsnet you are sending a signal to him that you would rather chat to strangers on the internet than to him. You say he hasn't engaged with you in conversation, but why couldn't you have engaged him in conversation? Pre smartphones, that is what we all did - talked to the people we were with.

I say this as someone who is really guilty of doing the same thing - reading Mumsnet or the news or whatever when I'm with my family. It's an awful habit that I'm trying to break. (None of them are in the room with me now!)

Kanaloa · 05/03/2021 10:39

Whether or not you were unreasonable it doesn’t sound like there is good communication in the relationship. Muttering and swearing isn’t the way to deal with things, he could have actually communicated if he was annoyed etc. Also swearing at you because you don’t want to cuddle him is bizarre.

Original poster
Notquitesureaboutthis · 05/03/2021 10:39

We have had arguments about phone use in the past, on both sides.

I've made a huge effort to leave it down and if anything he's been on it more than usual researching things for a new project. It doesn't bother me at all.

To be honest, if we had agreed to do the housework and I got on with it whilst DH takes a seat and gets on his iPad, yes I’d be a bit annoyed. YABU.

Fair enough but I would have started about 15 minutes after him. Why do I have to start as soon as him?

OP posts:
DinosaurPantz · 05/03/2021 10:40

If you had agreed previously to shut out the outside world and have a phone free day then he’d be in his right to have a huff but if it was specified then you were hardly nattering away for hours with someone else. I like a read with my coffee too, just like I have to make sure something I want to watch is on TV if I’m eating infront of it.

Nothing wrong with a coffee and browse break if you were going to clean your bit after.

DinosaurPantz · 05/03/2021 10:40

^ wasn’t specified sorry.

Original poster
Notquitesureaboutthis · 05/03/2021 10:41

Thanks for the replies btw. It's good to see the other side. I did say to him have voiced his feelings differently. It's more his reaction that I can't comprehend I guess.

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 05/03/2021 10:41

Neither of you communicated very effectively. It's not just the question of whether you should have been on your phone but how the issue escalated and how you both dealt with it.

Tal45 · 05/03/2021 10:41

I think it's just poor communication. He didn't need to be all passive aggressive and start muttering under his breath, why not just say 'can we have a chat?'
I'd just say to him, 'next time if I'm on the phone and you want us to do something together then ask because I'm happy to have a chat or a cuddle but I'm not psychic.'

Cupoftchaiagain · 05/03/2021 10:42

It drives me absolutely nuts when we are supposed to be spending time together /as a family and DH is on his phone. It’s so rude.

Dyrne · 05/03/2021 10:42

If he’d been trying to speak to you and you’d been glued to your phone he might have a point, but it’s ridiculous that he wasn’t even trying to speak to you (and in fact was doing other things) and yet got shirty that you were on your phone.

DP and I are “on our phones” all the time, but actually this often sparks conversation as we chat about an article one of us has read, or an idea for a day out etc.

Bluntness100 · 05/03/2021 10:43

Honestly I can see myself behaving like him if we agreed to clean ans my husband sat down when I started ans was on his iPad or watching the football, I’d be telling him to get his finger out. Reasonable, nope, human, yup,

Cupoftchaiagain · 05/03/2021 10:43

That said we’ve often said phone needs a backlight - wee red light meaning “I am actually doing something short and important” and green or amber meaning “just reading shit feel free to interrupt”

FlyNow · 05/03/2021 10:46

Pre smartphones, that is what we all did - talked to the people we were with.

Well yes and no, while I see what you are saying, I don't think long term partners chatted all day long every day in the past just because they didn't have phones. Comfortable silence is normal, phone or no phone.

Suzi888 · 05/03/2021 10:48

@ilovesooty

Neither of you communicated very effectively. It's not just the question of whether you should have been on your phone but how the issue escalated and how you both dealt with it.
I agree with this. Time does fly when on your phone, I think it’s quite addictive picking up your phone (guilty myself) get so much more done when I put my phone in another room!
LindaEllen · 05/03/2021 10:48

I think it depends on whether this is an isolated incident, or whether you being on your phone a lot is a bigger issue.

I know people who really do spend too much time on their phones, and their partners suffer for it. My ex was always on his phone, even when we were out for meals, and I might as well have been facing a brick wall instead of facing him. It can be tough to deal with. Although you might be physically present, it's not the same as giving someone your full attention. So if this is the case, I can understand why he may have got annoyed if he'd booked the day off to spend with you - particularly if he'd already started tidying and you'd just sat there on your phone rather than helping.

If there isn't a wider issue related to phone use, and you rarely go on it, then of course it's a problem that he's behaving this way. But none of us know what's really going on, so can't really comment.