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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was I wrong to go on my phone?

79 replies

Notquitesureaboutthis · 05/03/2021 10:26

DP and I booked a day off today to spend together. Was going to binge watch telly but then agreed to tidy.

We went shops and came home. I made us a drink. He drank his tea whilst starting to tidy. I went to browse on MN whilst I had a my coffee. Said I'd start on the kitchen after my coffee.

He mutters "fucks sake" under his breath. I ask him "what?". He said I didn't book a day off for you to go on your phone. Instead I should be talking to him. If he started conversing I would have engaged of course. But he hadn't said anything until that point...

I tried explaining that I think he's being a bit controlling and it's just escalated from there and he has mocked my feelings since.

I did get upset at one point and then he instantly said he feels like a prick and wanted to cuddle me but that fucked my head up because one minute he's being unkind and then the next wants me to open my arms?! I said no I don't want to hug right now and he said "fuck ya then".

Now I'm confused. Was I so wrong to go on my phone?

OP posts:
ClarkeGriffin · 05/03/2021 10:48

@Aprilx

To be honest, if we had agreed to do the housework and I got on with it whilst DH takes a seat and gets on his iPad, yes I’d be a bit annoyed. YABU.
This. If this was reversed and it was a man that had sat down while the woman cleaned, your responses would be different.
bridgetreilly · 05/03/2021 10:49

I think if you'd agreed to spend the time tidying up and he was doing it while you were on MN, he's got a point. I think you could have just said, 'I'm going to have a coffee first, and then we'll get started, okay?' and invite him to have one as well and sit down and chat with you.

Original poster
Notquitesureaboutthis · 05/03/2021 10:56

bridgetreilly

I get what you're saying but I did make it clear that I was having a coffee first. I'd made him tea too. But he chose to start tidying whilst drinking it. Does that mean I have to do the same?

I can see what people say about not paying attention when you're on the phone. But he was plodding along starting to tidy so hardly sitting there wanting to talk.

I see that he may have thought "great she'll be on it for ages now". I knew I wouldn't be but how he would know that I guess.

Thanks for your perspective. Food for thought. I still think he handled it badly though.

OP posts:
Original poster
Notquitesureaboutthis · 05/03/2021 11:00

Also there have been many times that he has been watching tv or on his phone whilst I've been doing some chores. It honestly doesn't bother me. Because we have our own chores. I know he'll do his when he's ready. So it does feel a bit hypocritical but I'm sure he'd deny this!

Shame he had to be so passive about it and then proceed to mock anything I say.

OP posts:
Twoforthree · 05/03/2021 11:01

He's not wrong, but he could have conveyed the message in a much nicer manner.

Templetree · 05/03/2021 11:17

I would be more concerned that he thinks its ok to be verbally abusive and swearing/ mocking you really.

Regularsizedrudy · 05/03/2021 11:19

He’s just your run of the mill knob head

dreamingbohemian · 05/03/2021 11:27

I think he's being more unreasonable than you but I'm curious about the bigger picture I guess.

Did you agree to take the day off to spend time together because you haven't had much time together lately?
Why did you spend your day off shopping and tidying?

I wonder if he was already sort of annoyed about how the day was going and then going on your phone was the last straw kind of thing.

sunflowersandbuttercups · 05/03/2021 11:32

I suspect he's actually pissed off that he's wasting a day of annual leave tidying, when the original plan was to spend time together. You going on your phone just said to him that you're not bothered about quality time together as a couple.

Whose idea was it to spend the day tidying?

Original poster
Notquitesureaboutthis · 05/03/2021 11:34

dreamingbohemian

To answer your questions:

Did you agree to take the day off to spend time together because you haven't had much time together lately? we have every evening and weekend together so not really. We wanted an extended weekend because it's been a draining week. We only booked it off yesterday. It was a spontaneous decision.

Why did you spend your day off shopping and tidying? because it's my birthday tomorrow so we thought let's do what we'd normally do on Saturday today.

OP posts:
OverweightPidgeon · 05/03/2021 11:38

I’m always muttering and ffsing , it’s normal in my house Smile

MargaretThursday · 05/03/2021 11:42

He drank his tea whilst starting to tidy. I went to browse on MN whilst I had a my coffee.

That's your issue here.
He drinks while tidying.
You go on your phone and have a drink.

If he'd sat and had a drink and then got up, it would be fair enough for you to do that too.

I'd be really irritated if we'd agreed to tidy, and I started and found dh was sitting down and playing on his phone. I'd prefer to be playing on mine too!

My parents had a unwritten rule that in the evening neither sat down until they both could. That generally worked well, and it meant that things got done in the evenings fairly quickly.

PlanDeRaccordement · 05/03/2021 11:44

Mumsnet is addictive, so honestly would it really have been just the fifteen minutes while you drank your coffee? Or more?

I admit if I were in your DHs shoes, where we had agreed just minutes before to tidy the house and while I’m getting on with it, you’re putting your feet up and doing an online forum, it is rude. However, I would only be annoyed to the level of a muttered curse if it were a habit of yours to be constantly procrastinating by getting on your phone. If you don’t have this as a habit, then he was being unreasonable first.

The escalation is where both of you were being unreasonable. You do need to communicate better and be honest that it can simultaneously be true that you’re being cheeky & rude AND he is being passive aggressive in response.

feistyoneyouare · 05/03/2021 11:51

Do those who are saying they agree with the OP's DP actually think the way he treated her over this is fine, though? Surely not.

Personally OP I don't think 5 mins on your phone while you had your coffee should have been a big deal at all. The way he spoke to you, on the other hand, and the mood swings... to me those are red flags and you don't deserve to be treated like that.

BehindMyEyes · 05/03/2021 11:53

You need to think about going forward . Phones/screens can be a real drain on a relationship . We never have phones at the table and we agree "let's have some screen time now " which is every evening after dinner currently . It may sound rigid but it works for us and if we do use phone in a together time we say something like "I just want to check ....whatever ". Families messaging etc are of course answered as and when .

Charley50 · 05/03/2021 11:58

Me and DP are both addicted to our phones, and tbh it's causing a rift in our relationship. Every morning he's straight on his phone instead of cuddling up to me, talking to me.

In the evening I prefer being on mumsnet to talking to him most of the time. We're both disengaging from each other.

Charley50 · 05/03/2021 11:59

Me and DP are both addicted to our phones, and tbh it's causing a rift in our relationship. Every morning he's straight on his phone instead of cuddling up to me, talking to me.

In the evening I prefer being on mumsnet to talking to him most of the time. We're both disengaging from each other.

Charley50 · 05/03/2021 11:59

Me and DP are both addicted to our phones, and tbh it's causing a rift in our relationship. Every morning he's straight on his phone instead of cuddling up to me, talking to me.

In the evening I prefer being on mumsnet to talking to him most of the time. We're both disengaging from each other.

Charley50 · 05/03/2021 11:59

Me and DP are both addicted to our phones, and tbh it's causing a rift in our relationship. Every morning he's straight on his phone instead of cuddling up to me, talking to me.

In the evening I prefer being on mumsnet to talking to him most of the time. We're both disengaging from each other.

Charley50 · 05/03/2021 12:00

Me and DP are both addicted to our phones, and tbh it's causing a rift in our relationship. Every morning he's straight on his phone instead of cuddling up to me, talking to me.

In the evening I prefer being on mumsnet to talking to him most of the time. We're both disengaging from each other.

sunflowersandbuttercups · 05/03/2021 13:06

Do those who are saying they agree with the OP's DP actually think the way he treated her over this is fine, though? Surely not.

I don't think anyone upthread has said his attitude is okay.

But I do understand his frustration. He booked a day of annual leave to spend with his partner, ended up spending it doing housework and while he got started, OP chose to sit down and mess about online.

I wouldn't be impressed if I was in his shoes, but I wouldn't have muttered around under my breath and got all passive aggressive either.

HollowTalk · 05/03/2021 13:10

15 minutes online very quickly turns into a couple of hours. Although his reaction wasn't nice, none of us know what you're really like with your phone. It sounded as though he'd just about had enough.

diddl · 05/03/2021 13:10

"He drank his tea whilst starting to tidy."

His choice-why does Op have to do the same?

It's not as if he sat down to chat, is it?

The way he speaks to you-is that OK with you?

I'd be off tbh.

Charley50 · 05/03/2021 13:11

Me and DP are both addicted to our phones, and tbh it's causing a rift in our relationship. Every morning he's straight on his phone instead of cuddling up to me, talking to me.

In the evening I prefer being on mumsnet to talking to him most of the time. We're both disengaging from each other.

Smartiepants79 · 05/03/2021 13:12

My husband can be a bit like this.
He spends time on his phone etc as do I. Neither one of us wants or needs to be talking all the time.
BUT every so often he gets a bit needy and starts saying things like ‘talk to me’ ‘pretend you like talking to me’ etc etc.
It makes me feel bad and then cross.
It’s ok for him to sit and ignore us if he wishes but he has a grump if he needs attention! It’s one of his less attractive traits. I try and ignore as best I can.
Your DHs behaviour was unnecessary and a bit unkind. You are entitled to a quiet few minutes without anyone needing you for anything.