Was I wrong to go on my phone?

[Notquitesureaboutthis]

DP and I booked a day off today to spend together. Was going to binge watch telly but then agreed to tidy.

We went shops and came home. I made us a drink. He drank his tea whilst starting to tidy. I went to browse on MN whilst I had a my coffee. Said I'd start on the kitchen after my coffee.

He mutters "fucks sake" under his breath. I ask him "what?". He said I didn't book a day off for you to go on your phone. Instead I should be talking to him. If he started conversing I would have engaged of course. But he hadn't said anything until that point...

I tried explaining that I think he's being a bit controlling and it's just escalated from there and he has mocked my feelings since.

I did get upset at one point and then he instantly said he feels like a prick and wanted to cuddle me but that fucked my head up because one minute he's being unkind and then the next wants me to open my arms?! I said no I don't want to hug right now and he said "fuck ya then".

Now I'm confused. Was I so wrong to go on my phone?

"He said I didn't book a day off for you to go on your phone. Instead I should be talking to him."

But he was drinking tea & tidying?

Oh god. Apologies for multiple posts. MN went doolally for a bit.

@Bluntness100

Honestly I can see myself behaving like him if we agreed to clean ans my husband sat down when I started ans was on his iPad or watching the football, I’d be telling him to get his finger out. Reasonable, nope, human, yup,

This

@HollowTalk

15 minutes online very quickly turns into a couple of hours. Although his reaction wasn't nice, none of us know what you're really like with your phone. It sounded as though he'd just about had enough.

Blimey, are you the OP's partner?

Even if he was a bit frustrated that doesn't give him carte blanche to swear at her, give mixed messages and mock her feelings.

Ew. ‘Fuck ya then’ how dare he!

I think the phone thing is a symptom, not the problem.

He may have valid issues with your phone use, but from your side, the relationship is toxic because of this:

he has mocked my feelings since

That's toxic.

Hmm not sure if you were BU but actually asking for a cuddle to make up and then being rejected by the other person would really annoy me. I tell my bf that if I’m ever upset or annoyed he just needs to come over and wrap his arms around me. I need a cuddle after an argument. If he told me “no” I’m afraid I’d find that hard

@Notquitesureaboutthis

I am a little torn on this one, but went for YABU. On the one hand, you should have a right to have a scroll through your phone occasionally, but spending ages on it, and/or looking at it every 4-5 minutes to see if there's a whatapp message/text/DM/tweet/facebook notification/instagram notification, is bloody annoying for the person you're with, bad manners, and quite rude.

Pre-covid, when me and DH have a visitor, or we go and meet them for coffee, we both find it bloody irksome, when they keep glancing at their phone, (that is ALWAYS left on the arm of the chair they're sitting, or on the table if we are in a costa or starbucks.) Put the bloody thing on 'silent' and put it in your bag!

I don't even care if someone checks it for a minute, say, every 25-30 minutes, but constantly glancing at it, is bloody annoying and rude, and is disrespectful towards the person you're with.

And when I am having a coffee with someone, or visiting them, and they answer a phone call; it is almost ALWAYS their DD, DS, DH, or mother ringing for NOTHING IMPORTANT EVER. It makes me want to get up and walk out.

One woman I meet for coffee occasionally (ex colleague,) ALWAYS seems to get a phone call every time I meet her. One time it was a colleague at her new job ringing, and she was just asking her about some trivial admin shit. She was on the phone FIFTEEN MINUTES. When she came off, I said 'is there no-one else that could have helped?' she said 'no... not really.'

I said 'do they often call you on your day off, and when you're with a friend?' She said 'nah not often....' Then on the word 'often' her phone rang again, and it was her daughter chatting about the shopping trip they were going on in an hour, and asking which shops they were going to go in first. Then she spoke to HER for ten minutes.

I was fucking fuming. Not least because she always does this. When someone does this, it suggests that they, and their time is more important than you, and your meeting with them is less important than the phone call from the person they're speaking to. As I said, in my experience, it's NEVER a necessary phone call. This kind of person is often late too.

Needless to say, I have not seen this person since. She has texted a couple of times (between lockdown 1 and lockdown 2,) asking to meet up, but I have just said 'I'll let you know when I'm free...' Can't be arsed with her now tbh

I also think the people saying your DH is being unreasonable, and being 'a baby' would have had a different attitude if you had said that he did this to you...

YANBU.

It's ok to chill out on your phone for 5 mins while you drink a cup of coffee after you've come in from the shops and before you do other stuff.

I also wouldn't like a partner who said 'for fuck's sake' at me doing that and when I didn't want to do something he wanted me too, saiid 'fuck you then.' I just wouldn't stick with someone who talked to me that way. |it'd make me feel uncomfortable.

Thanks for the responses.

Some are quite out of proportion as they are based on their own experiences but I understand no one here truly knows what my typical phone use is like etc. and replies are often relative to one's individual circumstances.

We've spoken about it. Both admitted where we were at fault. I am still struggling a little to move past his mocking, dismissive and belittling however. If it wasn't for that it wouldn't have been such a problem. I asked in the beginning "was I wrong to go on my phone" but I realise now what I really meant was "did I deserve this mockery and nastiness because I went on my phone".

Well yes and no, while I see what you are saying, I don't think long term partners chatted all day long every day in the past just because they didn't have phones. Comfortable silence is normal, phone or no phone.

Not in our house. We were never “sit and chat” type people. We’d sit and read or watch TV.

Surely no one communicates effectively all the time , I think, in a normal relationship, everyone cops the hump at some stage , I’m sure we’ve all rolled our eyes or tutted or said ffs to a partner, it’s normal. And yes , I have said ‘well sod you then’ to a partner on more than one occasion when they’ve been a dick.
The secret is to not let it fester, it really is a storm in a teacup, make up and get on with the day.

Surely no one communicates effectively all the time , I think, in a normal relationship, everyone cops the hump at some stage , I’m sure we’ve all rolled our eyes or tutted or said ffs to a partner, it’s normal. And yes , I have said ‘well sod you then’ to a partner on more than one occasion when they’ve been a dick.

I think f* you is a lot stronger. Yes now and again we might do these things, but it's still not pleasant and can be a red flag in a man. It's kind of aggressive.

And yes , I have said ‘well sod you then’ to a partner on more than one occasion when they’ve been a dick.

I get your point but I wasn't being a dick. His reaction upset me. He'd been belittling me and goading me which reduced me to tears and then as soon as I was upset he basically opened his arms to me and expected me to do the same. The difference in behaviour was too harshly contrasted for me to understand and accept in that moment. So no, i don't think I did warrant being told "fuck ya then".

Of course hes being unreasonable. Different people have different views on whens appropriate to browse phones and not.
But if his views differed to yours he could have just said 'we booked the day off to spend it together, can you look at your phone later' or something. Instead he passively aggressively swore, and then swore directly at you when you didn't want a hug after he had been a dick. I'm surprised so many people think that's an acceptable way of expressing a preference on phone use

I don't think you are being unreasonable.

If there's an issue (and I have no idea if there is), then talk about it. Don't swear,mock and belittle someone. That's not good communication or improve anything is it?

I also know quite a few men that moan about their wife's phone use , but what they actually mean is they want HER to make the effort, start the conversation,keep it going when the first thing they do is come home,turn the telly on and plonk on the sofa, give half assed answers or keep asking her to repeat herself, then bitch when she gives up and goes on her phone.

Like I said, no idea who or what the problem is in regards to phone use, but his language and behaviour was unacceptable.

I am still struggling a little to move past his mocking, dismissive and belittling however

Why do you think you should be able to move past this, notquitesure?

"I am still struggling a little to move past his mocking, dismissive and belittling however."

So don't?

"DP and I booked a day off today to spend together. Was going to binge watch telly but then agreed to tidy."

I'm sorry, but this must be the most dismal plan for a "booked day to be together" I have ever read about. Why even bother to book a day off for that?

Eckhart I'm not sure really. I do love him and it just seems easier to shake it off rather than drag it out. Pathetic I know.

aurynne We wanted an extended weekend because it's been a draining week. We only booked it off yesterday. It was a spontaneous decision. It's my birthday tomorrow so we thought rather than doing the usual weekend chores we'd do it today. I should have been clear that we haven't spelt all day tidying up! Only 2 hours in the end. Boring indeed.

Pathetic I know

Put the brakes on right here and have a think about what you're doing.

You are calling your feelings an unpleasant name, pointing the finger at them and saying there is something wrong with them.

That's exactly the same as what he's doing.

Have a think about what you want from your relationship. Don't think about him or his behaviour. Think about your ideal relationship. Your dream. Spend a bit of time immersing yourself in the feeling of being with your dream person... the lovely things they'd say, the way they would understand you, the lovely thoughtful gifts they'd bring, places they'd take you, things they'd cook for you... and think about all the lovely things you'd do for them, all the reciprocation and mutual appreciation.

Then think about him mocking your feelings in the way he has, and how your emotions are in response to that.

Quite a jolt?

I'm not saying that you should be expecting a perfect relationship. I'm saying that you are allowing what you want to be pushed aside in order that you can stay in a relationship with somebody who chooses to mock you.

Start to put your own feelings first. You don't 'get past' someone speaking to you in this way, you 'get away', and find people who don't want to mock you, to spend your time with.

Thank you Eckhart. Your message is very enlightening and helpful.

It's particularly difficult to answer because when asked to imagine being in a relationship with someone who is as follows: "the lovely things they'd say, the way they would understand you, the lovely thoughtful gifts they'd bring, places they'd take you, things they'd cook for you... and think about all the lovely things you'd do for them, all the reciprocation and mutual appreciation".....

Well that is him 99% of the time!

But it's like on the rare occurrence I've done something to especially annoy him he acts like he doesn't give a damn about my feelings and just dismisses me and anything I say.

This is then followed by what appears to be a very sincere apology.

It's hard because he is the person I want until he becomes "that person". Because it doesn't happen often I forget about that side.

It’s a bit far to say he’s controlling unless there’s other stuff going on.

Then you need to make your boundary clear and understood. When he's busy apologising, tell him that sorry isn't enough, and one more time will mean the end. Give him full responsibility for his behaviour. Make it very very plain.

If his 'sorry' isn't just an empty bunch of guff, he'll be happy to agree to never behave that way again, he'll stick to it, and you'll be able to live happily ever after. I hope that's what happens.

If he does it again, though, you have to stick to the consequence.

But it's like on the rare occurrence I've done something to especially annoy him he acts like he doesn't give a damn about my feelings and just dismisses me and anything I say

This isn't a relationship you want to stay in long term, because even if he only does it from time to time, you don't know when he's going to do it, so you end up being careful what you say all the time.

Are you generally a little bit wary in case he 'goes off on one', thinking sometimes that he might, but then he doesn't? Or do you full forget, in between times?

Mocking and belittling isn't on. What was he saying?