Was I wrong to go on my phone?

[Notquitesureaboutthis]

DP and I booked a day off today to spend together. Was going to binge watch telly but then agreed to tidy.

We went shops and came home. I made us a drink. He drank his tea whilst starting to tidy. I went to browse on MN whilst I had a my coffee. Said I'd start on the kitchen after my coffee.

He mutters "fucks sake" under his breath. I ask him "what?". He said I didn't book a day off for you to go on your phone. Instead I should be talking to him. If he started conversing I would have engaged of course. But he hadn't said anything until that point...

I tried explaining that I think he's being a bit controlling and it's just escalated from there and he has mocked my feelings since.

I did get upset at one point and then he instantly said he feels like a prick and wanted to cuddle me but that fucked my head up because one minute he's being unkind and then the next wants me to open my arms?! I said no I don't want to hug right now and he said "fuck ya then".

Now I'm confused. Was I so wrong to go on my phone?

He wasn’t being controlling. He was getting on with the agreed task, presumably so it would be over quicker and you could both relax once it was done. He wasn’t controlling your use of your phone, he didn’t take it off you, he showed irritation at you sitting distracted while he tidied when you’d both agreed on the tidying.

You haven’t explained how he mocked you afterwards and that seems to be the main cause of your upset. But if he was mocking your use of controlling then I’m afraid I can see why. By jumping to something so disproportionate you could have been seen as controlling his reaction to your behaviour.

It’s good you’ve spoken since. What a waste of a day off. Try not to let it ruin your weekend and your birthday. Life is short. Everyone gets in a grump sometimes but stewing over something so minor won’t make you feel better or your relationship happier.

I get what you're saying but I did make it clear that I was having a coffee first. I'd made him tea too. But he chose to start tidying whilst drinking it. Does that mean I have to do the same?

YANBU, then. You told him you were going to have a coffee first before tidying yet he expects you to be a mind reader and know to talk to him while he’s having a tea and choosing to tidy. He could have started a conversation if he wanted to.

My husband would sit and have a coffee whereas I would tidy first and then sit and have a coffee and we know this about each other. Sometimes he’ll talk to me while I am tidying and sometimes we have a comfortable silence where he’s on his phone and just being in each other’s presence is enough for us. My husband wouldn’t think to belittle my feelings and vice versa especially over something so small.

You haven’t explained how he mocked you afterwards and that seems to be the main cause of your upset. But if he was mocking your use of controlling then I’m afraid I can see why. By jumping to something so disproportionate you could have been seen as controlling his reaction to your behaviour

If someone you love says you're being controlling and you disagree, mocking them isn't the appropriate response. It's never the appropriate response to mock somebody, except when the recipient is finding it funny, which OP was clearly not. If he thought she was being controlling, or anything else, he should have told her that.

Thank you for all of your responses.

And especially thanks to Eckhart for your wise words and understanding. The way you've worded things have been eye opening for me. Thank you.

I'm off now and looking forward to some nice (albeit Covid restricting!) birthday plans tomorrow!