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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be uncomfortable about a streamed funeral?

81 replies

vivariumvivariumsvivaria · 05/03/2021 09:27

An old school friend of mine has died. I'm sad, of course, she was only early 50s, but it is not unexpected as she had multiple health issues from childhood.

In normal times I'd go to the funeral, but, obviously, that's not possible. The family are setting up something to stream the service - and I really don't want to log on. Being there is not the same as watching it, do I just sit and observe people's grief like it's the very worst of reality tv?

In person you can smile and say comforting things - I don't see that's possible and I really don't want to do it. Plus, I don't want to be upset on my own either!

However, the family are very tech savvy and are really pleased with themselves for figuring out a way to involve her wider network in the service. Will they notice if I don't log on?

AIBU to feel really uncomfortable about a streamed funeral?

OP posts:
TheWernethWife · 05/03/2021 09:31

I logged on to a streamed funeral yesterday, the funeral was in Barbados.

HeathIns · 05/03/2021 09:31

Will they notice if I don't log on?

I doubt it. Their mind will be elsewhere.

AIBU to feel really uncomfortable about a streamed funeral?
Watch it or don’t watch it. Many will appreciate being able to watch it on-line in these Covid times.
What makes you feel so ‘uncomfortable’?

FoxyTheFox · 05/03/2021 09:31

I've been to two and its not streamed by the family, its done by the funeral director/funeral venue to enable people who can't be there I person to virtually attend the funeral. In bith of the ones I've 'attended' the camera was positioned so you can only see and hear the front of the chapel - coffin and the person speaking - but not the other mourners.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 05/03/2021 09:32

You're entitled to feel however you like about it. I've attended two online and found them to be very helpful as part of the grieving process rather than not attending at all.

Also you can have a good snotty cry without anyone seeing.

But no-one is forcing you to attend or will know if you do or don't.

Sorry about your friend.

VainAbigail · 05/03/2021 09:33

the camera was positioned so you can only see and hear the front of the chapel - coffin and the person speaking

Exactly this.

Aprilx · 05/03/2021 09:33

I organised the streaming of my relatives funeral last year. I did so because people wanted a way of “being there” and paying last respects.

You will not be observing other people’s grief, they do not pan the mourners that are present. The camera is at the back, focused on the front, you would at most see the back of the heads of the mourners. To your question, no they will not know who logged in, well I didn’t, but also I never tried to find out.

Original poster
vivariumvivariumsvivaria · 05/03/2021 09:34

Oh, that's reassuring, Foxy, thanks.

It's the idea of seeing her family being upset on screen that just makes me cringe, Heathins. It's feels like I'm a grief tourist, the idea of it just makes me cringe. It's not the same as being there, you know?

Sorry about the person you lost, Werneth. Hope the funeral was comforting.

OP posts:
AlexaShutUp · 05/03/2021 09:35

Sadly, streamed funerals are the norm in covid times.

I doubt they will notice if you don't log on though.

Dundundunnn · 05/03/2021 09:35

They're not going to have the camera facing the mourners, obvs.

Kroptopbelly · 05/03/2021 09:36

Yes it’s been a thing for about a year here too, it’s all arranged by the funeral directors.
They record it too so you can watch it at a later date.
No one will know if you do or don’t watch it.

I do get what you are saying about observing people grieving like a sad reality tv event thpugh, I felt like that about a funeral but wanted to say my own goodbyes.

AlexaShutUp · 05/03/2021 09:36

Tbh, you won't see much of the family's grief on a live stream. I haven't felt that I was intruding.

stampsurprise · 05/03/2021 09:37

I would watch as it may bring some comfort to your friend’s family to know you participated.

It may also help you grieve.

I am sorry you have lost your friend Flowers

AuntieStella · 05/03/2021 09:37

If you don't want to go, then don't go.

I have 'attended' a streamed funeral. It was no more intrusive in terms of witnessing grief than being at an actual funeral, and knowing there were over 200 people also 'there' was something that family welcomed. And I appreciated hearing the tributes to the deceased

You can offer support to the bereaved by other means than your physical presence at one event.

So it's entirely up to you.

Ponoka7 · 05/03/2021 09:37

Most people get upset at the personal readings etc. Only the person sitting next to you could discreetly 'give comfort', but actually you wouldn't want anything to be said. I certainly wouldn't want 'a smile' at my child's funeral. You'd want the service to be uninterrupted.

The family want her funeral to be as attended virtually as it would be in rl. There's nothing wrong with that. You make your own choice.

KihoBebiluPute · 05/03/2021 09:38

My church has done a lot of streamed funerals over lockdown. None of my closest family or friends have died during the pandemic but I have logged on a couple of times to pay my respects when it has been a church acquaintance.

In my experience it isn't like reality tv at all. The camera isn't generally filming the family and other attendees, it is just pointing to the front of the room, showing the coffin and the minister (and other speakers if there are any). Its not the same as being there but it's the closest that can be achieved in the current circumstances, and more like being there than watching a tv programme about it. The family will appreciate a follow-up message either by email or on paper, saying that you were with them in spirit, thanking them for putting in the effort to make that possible, and saying something nice about the ceremony (eg I was really touched by the way that ...) - it must be really hard for families to be forced to have tiny low-key farewells without the support of a larger gathering, and participating remotely in this way will help them.

RaspberryCoulis · 05/03/2021 09:38

Streamed funerals aren't new. DH's uncle died in New Zealand about 10 years ago, there are so many people in NZ who have family all over the world who can't come to the other side of the world for a funeral so streaming is the norm.

Agree with what others have said, you don't see the congregation, just the front of the room with whoever's speaking.

Sirzy · 05/03/2021 09:38

My MIL lives in France. Her sister has recently died in the U.K. sadly she like many others for funerals up and down the country won’t be able to travel to attend so attending virtually is the next best thing

ShaunaTheSheep · 05/03/2021 09:39

Agree with others, the focus is on the ceremony, not the attendees.

I hope it is something that will stay in place after the pandemic because it is very helpful for mourners that are unable to travel to the funeral.

Mischance · 05/03/2021 09:39

I have "been" to one - it was so good to be able to hear the tributes; and there is the facility later to add your condolences. I would join in if I were you - you might be pleasantly surprised.

Mycatismadeofstringcheese · 05/03/2021 09:39

I’ve attended one. It was done really respectfully and I was glad I was able to hear the eulogy. It was sad not being able to hug people though.

One thing I would say is take some time off after. I attended during a work day and then couldn’t concentrate back on my work after. I was much more upset than I thought I’d be.

ittakes2 · 05/03/2021 09:40

The streamed funeral is not about watching other people's grieve - its not a reality show.Its about watching and listening to people talk about the deceased. But you really need to do you - I doubt the family will notice.

Scarby9 · 05/03/2021 09:41

I was talking to someone involved in our local crematorium. He said streaming of funerals was something that they were hoping to continue to offer after restrictions were lifted as it had enabled so many more friends and relatives to be involved, especially elderly and ill people, parents with young children, and those living abroad or just a long way from the venue. They had had lots of positive feedback.

Original poster
vivariumvivariumsvivaria · 05/03/2021 09:41

Thankyou, that is really helpful!

I had in my head a vision of the man making a video recording of my 90s wedding - all wide shots and making sure he got some footage of everyone there.

I guess I'm BU, but, that is a relief.

Thanks, vipers.

OP posts:
MiddleClassProblem · 05/03/2021 09:46

The live streaming is unlike to be just for but for many people who wished to attend but are unable to due to restrictions. If you are uncomfortable with it don’t log on. If you wish to, maybe do something else at home to say goodbye but again just do what feels right for you.
If I’m honest the way you describe what you would do at the funeral sounds like you are more there to support other people than yourself so maybe you don’t feel you need to do anything at home either. There’s nothing wrong with that either.

AlexaShutUp · 05/03/2021 09:52

I had in my head a vision of the man making a video recording of my 90s wedding - all wide shots and making sure he got some footage of everyone there.

It is genuinely nothing like that at all. Very discreet, just focused on the front. It might be a nice way to say goodbye to your friend.