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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be uncomfortable about a streamed funeral?

81 replies

vivariumvivariumsvivaria · 05/03/2021 09:27

An old school friend of mine has died. I'm sad, of course, she was only early 50s, but it is not unexpected as she had multiple health issues from childhood.

In normal times I'd go to the funeral, but, obviously, that's not possible. The family are setting up something to stream the service - and I really don't want to log on. Being there is not the same as watching it, do I just sit and observe people's grief like it's the very worst of reality tv?

In person you can smile and say comforting things - I don't see that's possible and I really don't want to do it. Plus, I don't want to be upset on my own either!

However, the family are very tech savvy and are really pleased with themselves for figuring out a way to involve her wider network in the service. Will they notice if I don't log on?

AIBU to feel really uncomfortable about a streamed funeral?

OP posts:
ApolloandDaphne · 05/03/2021 17:26

I watched a streamed funeral this week. I found it more moving being on my own as I didn't feel I had to present myself in a certain way.

lioncitygirl · 05/03/2021 17:29

Sadly I’ve been to a few. It’s mega weird but that’s the worlds these days....

LimaFoxtrotCharlie · 05/03/2021 17:36

I am clearly out of step with modern life, for I hate the idea of a streamed service.
I spoke about my dad at his funeral and would not have agreed to have been filmed, far too intrusive to have a camera pointing at me at that difficult time.
I would feel obliged to watch one but I’d much rather attend in person.

TitusPullo · 05/03/2021 17:52

@LimaFoxtrotCharlie - as others have said the camera would not be pointed at you, unless you were doing a reading, the camera is pointing towards the front. I think most people would rather attend in person but even during non covid times that’s not always possible unfortunately.

LimaFoxtrotCharlie · 05/03/2021 18:24

But the camera would have been pointing at me, as I gave the eulogy. Hard enough to do that without being filmed!

Emeraldshamrock · 05/03/2021 18:32

I didn't notice the camera at DM's as it was restricted to 10 people we felt obliged to have her siblings/friends see her off somehow.
It was fine. We've no idea who did or didnt watch it.

LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 05/03/2021 18:35

I attended one.

I'm glad l wasn't there in person because it was a bit weird. Some odd things said. I think l would have laughed.

If you don't want to then don't. It's not a Zoom. I got a view from a camera in the corner.

NeverMetANiceOne · 05/03/2021 18:42

I 'attended' a friend's funeral today using a link on YouTube. It felt very weird, but it was actually really moving and felt very important to be able to say goodbye when I couldn't be there in person.

peak2021 · 05/03/2021 18:43

I have one on Monday and wish I could be there in person. You have the option of not viewing it of course, but it is not the same, and I have always felt uncomfortable about cameras at funerals. However, I both want to remember the deceased and hear her children remember and celebrate their deceased mum's life.

GaryUnicorn · 05/03/2021 18:50

I have been to five in the past year. Invariably they are filmed from the back of the chapel/crematorium. Yes, it helped very much to process my grief. One was in Australia. I wouldn’t have gone to the funeral ordinarily but was so glad I was able to. I was able to chat later with the family on FaceTime, and offer my condolences, and comment on a couple of things I didn’t know about the deceased that had been read in the eulogy. They won’t be able to see who has or has not watched, but I I think it helps if you contact them later to tell them you were there. In the days after the funeral can be really desolate and relatives of the deceased will be comforted knowing you made the effort.

SquigglePigs · 05/03/2021 18:57

I'm attending a streamed funeral for my friend. He was only in his 30's. Obviously it's nothing like being there in person but since that isn't an option it gives us a way to say goodbye. I'm going to be so consumed by thoughts of him that I can't imagine being voyeuristic on his family, that's such a weird way of thinking about it.

I've already had to do this for my Grandma's funeral in lockdown 1 and it would be so much worse with nothing at all.

If you feel weird then don't attend but for some of us it's really important for dealing with losing someone close to us.

Newgirls · 05/03/2021 19:00

Not sure when it is but can you watch it with other friend/s who knew her? Outdoors even?

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 05/03/2021 19:05

i went to one the other day, we all messaged the family to say we'd be there. It was lovely and I'm glad I was there to see my friends send off.

80sMum · 05/03/2021 19:14

My friend died last summer and only close family could attend the funeral service in person. The rest of use used the streaming service.
I was so grateful that the streaming was there, so I was able to hear the family tributes and the celebration of her life. It was not as personal as actually being there, but so much better than missing it altogether.

Back in 2004, we videoed my grandmother's funeral so that her elderly brother in Australia could see it, as he was too frail to travel. He was very grateful for the video.

I think streaming is a brilliant idea and a way for people far away to be present at a ceremony that they otherwise wouldn't be able to see.

Cosyjimjamsforautumn · 05/03/2021 19:17

Sadly I've attended several funerals over the internet and 1 in person in the last year. The first one online felt a bit odd, but I was so glad i listened in and it was a celebration of a life rather than a traditional religious funeral.
Your laptop camera won't show you and the camera filming the funeral is usually high up and at the back so you tend to hear more than you can see (apart from the backs of peoples heads).
Funerals are for the living and about supporting the grieving family and friends through their loss. If you can't do it in person then, in these maddest of times, this is the only way of you showing your support.
Or just dont attend online and send a sympathy card and remember your friend in your own way

marcopront · 05/03/2021 19:35

We had a wake for my cousin at the weekend. We watched the funeral recording first which was nice in a way.

We have my aunt's funeral coming up I hope that will be streamed. We'll probably have a wake later as well.

RichardMarxisinnocent · 05/03/2021 19:42

@LimaFoxtrotCharlie

But the camera would have been pointing at me, as I gave the eulogy. Hard enough to do that without being filmed!
I read the eulogy at my dad's funeral which was live streamed. I didn't see the camera and the thought that I was being filmed never entered my mind. I was putting all my concentration into getting through my speech without completely falling apart.
Ginger153 · 05/03/2021 19:43

My mum died during lockdown 1. We streamed the funeral at the request of family friends. It was comforting to know people wanted to join however remotely but we didn't check who had logged on. So watch, or don't. Raise a glass instead and let the family know you'll be thinking of them. Do what's right for you. As there were only 7 of us able to be there it was helpful to know we weren't alone with it all but didn't expect anyone to watch if they didn't want to. I'm sorry for your loss.

mimbleandlittlemy · 05/03/2021 19:55

We had my mum’s funeral streamed in October. Lots of her friends couldn’t come as elderly or shielding and one of her grandchildren is currently living in New York so obviously couldn’t be there. Only people sent the link could watch and everyone said how very grateful they were they could be there, even if not in person.

I think it’s a really good idea.

MinnieMountain · 05/03/2021 19:58

DM’s funeral in November was live streamed. The funeral director organised it. I think I passed on one email address (her cousin who was shielding, so was glad to “attend” in some way).

Honestly I didn’t give a crap who was watching. I was too focused on my immediate family and my grief. Someone was going to see how upset I was, so 10 or 50 wouldn’t have made any difference.

LongTimeMammaBear · 05/03/2021 20:01

I attended the funeral of a family member just the other week. We all chose together the readings, music, songs etc. We gave anecdotes about them. The priest worked this into a beautiful service, very personal to them. The camera work was impeccable as was the sound.

I felt I was there and having helped with input into the service, felt included.

Those that could not go and those few who could go, all spoke on the phone afterwards, discussing the service and memories of our family member.

I’m very glad I took part via video streaming.

So I voted yabu.

blobblob · 05/03/2021 20:08

I've attended several streamed funerals. One in particular was so that when my friend who'd had to attend alone with no-one to support her came home I could talk to her about it. She was able to feel that she'd not been alone because we talked about the music and the readings and I had been there with her.

Ameliablue · 05/03/2021 20:11

There is no right or wrong, just do what you are comfortable with. If you are concerned that they might notice you haven't logged in, you can log on but not watch/ listen.

Bourbanbiscuit · 05/03/2021 20:19

I agree with pp. I was worried about DM service being streamed but we did it because friends and family asked if we would. It was so appreciated by them and also family in Australia, at no time were any of the congregation in view. I hope it's something that carries on to be honest.

mellicauli · 05/03/2021 20:25

No one ever wants to go for a funeral but it's usually a more positive experience than you think it will be. She was your friend, you owe to her to honour her life and the times you had together by attending her funeral. You can also really help the family by just logging and being part of the crowd. It shows she was loved.