AIBU to be uncomfortable about a streamed funeral?

[vivariumvivariumsvivaria]

An old school friend of mine has died. I'm sad, of course, she was only early 50s, but it is not unexpected as she had multiple health issues from childhood.

In normal times I'd go to the funeral, but, obviously, that's not possible. The family are setting up something to stream the service - and I really don't want to log on. Being there is not the same as watching it, do I just sit and observe people's grief like it's the very worst of reality tv?

In person you can smile and say comforting things - I don't see that's possible and I really don't want to do it. Plus, I don't want to be upset on my own either!

However, the family are very tech savvy and are really pleased with themselves for figuring out a way to involve her wider network in the service. Will they notice if I don't log on?

AIBU to feel really uncomfortable about a streamed funeral?

When DP died last year, his funeral was streamed. It was a couple of weeks into the November lockdown, so travel and numbers were restricted.

Many of his friends and family positively welcomed the opportunity to watch the service, hear the tributes etc. For his brother, who was so distraught during the service that he hardly grasped what was going on, he could watch it again at home and take it in properly.

I got some lovely messages from people who hadn't been able to attend, but had watched the streamed service. over the next few days (it was available online for a week), and they really meant a lot. And they all said that they really valued the opportunity to say goodbye, albeit remotely.

The main church in my dad's hometown in Ireland has been streaming events like funerals forany years. For people living abroad who can't make it back in time as Irish tend to bury our dead quite quickly.

I was at a funeral a friend some years ago in this church an my parents (now live in Asia) were able to watch as well. They knew him too and it was really comforting to speak to my dad after and talk to him about how lovely the service had been. So I don't mind streamed funerals but I am used to them. Bit sad that it is the norm now with covid, shame to not be able to give people a good send off in person.

Heathins. It's feels like I'm a grief tourist, the idea of it just makes me cringe. It's not the same as being there, you know?

If I logged in and watched your friend’s funeral then yes, I would be a grief tourist and WBVU but you are her friend.
You are entitled to take part in whatever at you can.
The camera records the front- it doesn’t film attendees.

One question though... someone will know - How do undertakers ensure that only legitimate people can watch?

How do undertakers ensure that only legitimate people can watch?

I believe funerals are generally open to all, aren't they? Not invitation only. However, people normally need a link in order to access the streamed versions, so I don't think you'd get a bunch of random people watching. At least, no more likely that you would be to get random people turning up at a church or crematorium?

The family are given a link and it's up to them who they share it with.

@Kroptopbelly

Yes it’s been a thing for about a year here too, it’s all arranged by the funeral directors. They record it too so you can watch it at a later date. No one will know if you do or don’t watch it.

I do get what you are saying about observing people grieving like a sad reality tv event thpugh, I felt like that about a funeral but wanted to say my own goodbyes.

It isn’t like a funeral on Eastenders you know! The camera is fixed and is not directed at mourners.

I watched a live stream funeral of a colleague and was apprehensive of it as like you say you can’t provide support but in the end I felt it was important to acknowledge his death and pay respects how I could. Difficulty is if you are close to them you don’t have the support of other grieving which is something to consider to protect your own MH

DH's stepmother passed away recently and we watched online. The camera is at quite an odd angle in the crematorium - you can see the coffin, and the screen to the side and the person speaking at the front but it's quite a distant view and you certainly can't see any mourners. It felt quite unobtrusive, to be honest.

As others have said many churches have been streaming services for many years now. Our local cathedral streams live 24/7 so all masses and funeral services are available.
We were grateful that this service was available when my mil passed last August as it meant her only living sibling could watch from Ireland as he couldn't be here in person.
It's completely up to you if you want to watch or not, I've watch a few recently and found comfort knowing that I was still able to pay my respects without being there in person and I know it gave the family comfort knowing that others could watch.

DH’s granddad’s funeral was streamed. It was very tasteful. The camera was set up to the front - all that was seen was the walking in procession and then the speaker and the coffin. I struggled to identify by own bloody husband but I there’s so little detail given to the congregation! Log on if you want or pay your own respects to your friend.

The funeral service is for the living, she won’t mind if you miss it.

I logged on to the cremation service of my SILs mum at the start of lockdown. It was very tasteful and moving and although I didn't know the lady well at all I logged on so I could talk about it to SIL and let her know I cared enough to watch and to tell her how lovely the readings and service was. Like you I would have gone to a real service in normal times and wanted to pay my respects to SIL who was going through the whole thing in very weird and unnatural circumstances.

A friend of mine died in September. The funeral was streamed and I found it very comforting to watch it peacefully on my own. I actually thought I was a good idea for normal times, just have family and very close friends at the crematorium and everyone else can watch. As they are usually very small capacity and a quick service in and out.

I watched my best friends mum's funeral online the other day. The camera was fixed at the back with a view of the front. I could see the back of a couple of mourners heads. It was quite strange watching it on a screen but it was a nice way to be involved. My friend and her sister really appreciated family and friends being able to share the service with them, I think they found it comforting to know we were all there.

I’ve watched several funerals this way during lockdown as I couldn’t attend. You don’t see any mourners, just the coffin and obviously see the priest and altar (if it’s a church) or the speakers at a crematorium if it’s that type of service.
Everything was respectful and well done. I think it’s a lovely way to join in and have the family know you were supporting them (albeit remotely). Although I don’t think they’ll know you’re watching unless youre logging on through Facebook or something similar.
If it’s live-streamed through you tube, unless you log in they won’t know it’s you watching.
One funeral I watched, they had people watching on Facebook and one speaker commented how touching they found it that people were watching all around the world.

It's nothing to do with 'the family being tech savvy'. Funeral directors or crematoriums organise this.

You either want to watch the service or you don't. It's not about observing other people's grief. You're paying your last respects to your friend.

It's the best that can be done under these circumstances.

My Father's recent funeral was streamed by the crematorium. All that was visible was the back of the first row and of course the coffin and the celebrant. The feedback we received from family and friends was positive and gave us a lot of comfort.

I personally think it’s an excellent idea and one of the good things to come out of the pandemic. My parents have “attended” a few funerals this way, some they would definitely have traveled to if they could but some in the other side of the world they wouldn’t have done but were able to join the funeral this way. I know they and their relatives were happy this could happen. It is not all wide angled lenses and close up of grieving relatives just a single camera angle pointed at the altar so you can follow the priest/ readers/ speakers.

I agree with others, it’s done very tastefully. It allowed me to “attend” my grandad’s funeral when I was rather ill, about a week post partum, in the middle of lockdown. My grandad missed the birth of my child by 2 days and being able to attend his funeral albeit virtually was a real comfort. My husband and I agreed that it was something they should continue post covid for people who live far away or can’t attend someone’s funeral in person for whatever reason.

I've sadly had to go to a funeral on,one this past year plus have been to one with live streaming. On both the camera doesn't show the congregation - only the front. If one of the family/friends are speaking at the front then you will see them then. But those in attendance otherwise, you won't.

But no, no one will know if you have logged in or not.

Also be prepared for the stream to not work, or to,lose connection, or,to have poor,sound/image, etc. Just in case.

My gran died in January. Her own daughter couldn’t fly over for the funeral. Only 20 were allowed - not even the full family. Lots of people would have attended if they could. Streaming it was the next best thing, and meant loved ones could be part of it even if they couldn’t be there.

I've just organised a streamed funeral for a close relative (funeral hasn't happened yet but I've set up).

I think in reality most people won't join it but its a good way to make those people who can't attend feel "invited".

In the kindest possible way I think you're overthinking a bit. The family won't know or care who attended and if they do they will understand. I have set this up out of a sense of respect for my relative and also because its the done thing these days, but I would be very surprised if more than a small handful of people join and I won't hold it against people who don't.

Join or don't join: in the scheme of things it won't matter.

I have been in exactly the same position - old school friend.

I'm so glad I logged on. It was dignified and moving and I really felt part of the service. I didn't feel alone because I knew others were also logged in. Her family found it a huge comfort that so many of us did.

Please do this for your friend.

I've watched live streamed funerals and arranged my mums funeral which had a live stream. The camera was focused on the service at the front of the room and not the mourners, except when they were caught in shot briefly when entering/leaving.

When I watched my aunts funeral, which we couldn't attend due to lockdown and distance, I didn't know what to expect but it felt comforting to be there, hear the service and say goodbye. The minister mentioned during the service how well loved she was and there were people on the webcam from Scotland, Australia, Canada, Wales etc which I hope help made my cousins feel supported, they sent an email out after thanking everyone for attending.

When we organised mums funeral somehow a Facebook Messenger chat was created with mums family/in-laws etc all included to give them details of when she was in hospital and the subsequent funeral arrangements. It was actually a positive we had the option of the weblink as it meant her sister/BIL in Australia, and SIL/BILs/nieces/nephews in Canada could "attend" too, it is not something we would have thought about in non-covid times, they just wouldn't have been able to come.

After the funeral there obviously wasn't a wake/tea and we all just went home, but the FB messenger was full of memories, photos, even some old video clips from the 60's which we spent the rest of the day going through and it was lovely to think there were people out there thinking of her at the moment when the funeral was so constrained.

I've virtually attended two funerals in the past four months. Under normal circumstances I would have been asked to attend so didn't feel I was intruding. After all, no one accidentally gets the link to a funeral, the family would only send it to people who knew the deceased.

I definitely felt that by attending in real time I was paying my respects and was there in spirit. I hope the families concerned might take some small comfort from knowing that others, sometimes many others, were thinking about their relative at the same time they were, or as soon as they could practically view the service after.

As a previous poster pointed out, there was nothing mawkish about it. Nor did it feel 'less' to a great extent. I found myself reminiscing and remembering the people who'd died in the same way as I would have done if I'd been there.... as eulogies were read etc. Both services were very moving and it can take it out of you somewhat.

Under the circumstances there isn't many options, you aren't obligated to log on I'd say it was a blanket invite, very normal during these times.