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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To refuse this bequest?

152 replies

ploomo · 03/03/2021 15:28

DH and I are in our late 50s and live next door to a single woman a few years younger than us. We've always been friendly and she's been a good neighbour. She has a sister who lives in Scotland and a brother in Australia. They don't seem close.

When we moved here we had two dogs — a Border terrier and a whippet — and she became fond of them and would sometimes help out with dog-sitting. In 2018 she bought a cockerpoo and a Biewer terrier, which are now coming up for three years old. Our last dog died last summer at the age of 16 and we are dog-free for the first time in years.

Late in 2019 our neighbour was diagnosed with breast cancer and we have been been walking and dog-siting her dogs when required. They're nice enough dogs but a bit yappy and high-energy. They're not the kind of dogs we'd choose. We prefer short-haired breeds that don't need lots of grooming. When she was first diagnosed with cancer our neighbour said, jokingly I thought, that she'd leave them to us in her will. I didn't like to say no thanks, it seemed mean.

It's now clear that her treatment hasn't worked. Yesterday we stood in our respective gardens, masked, and she told me she has secondaries in her liver has been told that she may have as little as six months. She said she's seeing a solicitor next week to finalise her will. The house will be sold and her siblings will get the money. She intends to leave us the dogs.

I started to say that we had decided that for the next few years we'd like to be dog-free and take the chance to travel more and she started crying and said if we didn't have them, what would happen to them? So being a coward I just said that it was okay, not to worry.

DH is adamant that he doesn't want them. We're both hoping to retire by the time we're 60 and we'd like the freedom to travel without having to organise kennels and dog-sitters, with all the expense involved. And then of course there's the insurance and the vet fees and the grooming.

AIBU to say no, please don't leave them to us in your will? Should I say we'll take them for a short time and rehome them? We don't want to cause her worry so maybe we should just say yes, we'll have the dogs and then rehome them after her death. Or is that dishonest?

I'd hate to think that we might fall out over this. She may need us more than ever in the coming months and it would be awful if she felt she couldn't call on our support.

OP posts:
StillCoughingandLaughing · 03/03/2021 18:27

@pictish

See this is why I would never ask Mumsnet for advice about anything important. Does anyone remember the thread about the OP who had inherited a house which had a long standing elderly tenant? She was understandably upset about having to evict her so she could sell the property. Mumsnet: just give her the house, I would.
Does anyone have a link to that thread? I’ve heard about it many times, but have never been able to find it.
Principessa2070 · 03/03/2021 18:29

Wait till she's dead and buried and then re-home.

rawalpindithelabrador · 03/03/2021 18:32

My mom got a dog in her late 70s but I offered right away to take her in the event of her death, love that little dog. Different from your situation.

GeorgiaGirl52 · 03/03/2021 18:33

@Myneighboursnorlax

I would take them, and then find a lovely home for them after she’d died. No need to upset her further, and she’ll never know any different.
This,^ to give her peace. Then you have options. Re-home both. Re-home one and keep one. Keep both together. Your circumstances may change and you might welcome their companionship. Or one of her relatives might want to give one or both a home. She may leave money for their keep and care which will relieve your financial concerns,
pictish · 03/03/2021 18:36

I don’t have a link...it’s probably three years old or more. It’s the one that came to mind with this thread though.

You don’t want two dogs, you say no.

Merryoldgoat · 03/03/2021 18:37

I don’t really like dogs but I’d just take them abs rehome them.

Vates · 03/03/2021 18:37

I think you need to be honest about your situation but if you're prepared to put in the work then do your absolute best to find them a permanent home. I feel for both your neighbour and yourself.

Also: the poster who said euthanize them?! Humans are far more vile than dogs!

mainsfed · 03/03/2021 19:06

It’s not that easy to rehome them both together to a good home.

Presumably this woman has friends and relatives who can do this for her.

There’s too much expectation on women to do this stuff.

GreenlandTheMovie · 03/03/2021 19:13

I think I'd pretend to her that I was happy to have them. Its a kindness to lie in these circumstances and no need to tell the truth. Then rehome them. It would be terribly cruel to upset a dying woman and leave her scrabbling around tying to find someeone else to take them in her last months.

Volcanoexplorer · 03/03/2021 19:13

I would take them and then re-home them responsibly when possible. I really don’t think there is any need to cause further upset here.

NoMackerelInSwindon · 03/03/2021 19:20

Ahem....

Just would like to quietly point out that the neighbour might read this thread and become terribly upset.

Mumsnet is not a vacuum. I remember the thread a few years ago about the woman who was concerned about her DP's growing collection of guns for his farm work and the advice given to her. Then DP joined MN having read the thread.

nothingcanhurtmewithmyeyesshut · 03/03/2021 19:25

I'd just tell her that you won't be able to keep them but you would take them in if she died and make sure they were looked after with a nice home to go to.

So you aren't lying and saying you'll have them as your own but she is reassured that they won't be left alone in a kennel pining, someone will be looking after them and placing them in a nice home where they're wanted and loved.

She probably just needs to know that they will be okay and it doesn't matter if it isn't you they stay with long term as long as you see them right.

Moonface123 · 04/03/2021 00:05

I think you will cause more distress saying you will re home them.
Just agree to have them, give her peace of mind.
Then up to you afterwards.
My dog grieved my husband terribly when he died, so l would try and keep them together, no matter what.

StillCoughingandLaughing · 04/03/2021 02:19

@GreenlandTheMovie

I think I'd pretend to her that I was happy to have them. Its a kindness to lie in these circumstances and no need to tell the truth. Then rehome them. It would be terribly cruel to upset a dying woman and leave her scrabbling around tying to find someeone else to take them in her last months.
The problem with that is, what if the woman becomes too weak to look after the dogs and asks the OP to take over - but then as soldiers on for a year or more? The OP and her husband will have to continue looking after dogs they never wanted.
MixedUpFiles · 04/03/2021 02:30

My mom was given 6 weeks to 6 months and she made it 18 months. You just don’t know. This may not even be a problem you have to deal with.

I’d just let it be. If she passes and the dogs come to you, make a decision then about the best home for the dogs, even if that home is not your own. You can do her the kindness of imagining where her pets will end up and the kindness of making sure they do end up someone good, even if it’s not what she initially planned.

The truth is that even if you were excited at the prospect of the dogs joining your household, you don’t know what life has in store for you. You might not be the best caregivers when the time arrives. Someone dying of cancer knows that better than anyone. What she is really asking is for someone to look out for them and that is a commitment you can make.

DPotter · 04/03/2021 02:39

I think Stillcoughing makes a very good point -

The problem with that is, what if the woman becomes too weak to look after the dogs and asks the OP to take over - but then as soldiers on for a year or more? The OP and her husband will have to continue looking after dogs they never wanted.

There will come a point where the neighbour becomes very frail and can't care for the dogs at all and she may well expect you to pick up the responsibility at that point and this could last for sometime. As difficult as it may be I think you should be honest and let her know you may not able able to take care of her dogs. I think it could save a lot of angst further down the line.

PerveenMistry · 04/03/2021 02:52

@Myneighboursnorlax

I would take them, and then find a lovely home for them after she’d died. No need to upset her further, and she’ll never know any different.
This is what I would do.

She'll never know. I'm sure you'll find them a very good home.

PerveenMistry · 04/03/2021 02:59

I have to say it was irresponsible of an older person with no willing family members to take on young dogs. How frustrating.

1forAll74 · 04/03/2021 03:01

Definitely tell her that you will take her dogs, and go from there whenever. She will need that comfort in her life now, given the health diagnosis that she has had., so less for her to worry about in her sad time now.

Sapho47 · 04/03/2021 03:05

"We don't want to cause her worry so maybe we should just say yes, we'll have the dogs and then rehome them after her death. Or is that dishonest?"

This is the most sensible

Sapho47 · 04/03/2021 03:07

@PerveenMistry

I have to say it was irresponsible of an older person with no willing family members to take on young dogs. How frustrating.
She's mid 50's you lunatic.
salsmum · 04/03/2021 03:08

Maybe you could get in touch with the cinnamon trust before she passes for some advice I'm sure they've dealt with situations like this before. Good luck.

VegetarianDeathCult · 04/03/2021 05:46

@pictish

Oh my goodness...you’d all think me dreadful but I’d stick with the no. I’d just be kind but honest. It’s a terrible dilemma but I wouldn’t want to mislead her into thinking they were going to stay with me...and truthfully I wouldn’t want to be left with the responsibility of rehoming either. On top of that, your dh doesn’t want them and his opinion matters too. I’d have a frank (and likely very sad) conversation with the neighbour to tell her I won’t be taking them. Ghastly of course but no, I wouldn’t lie.
This. Also, I think it would be one thing if she’d asked, but I think that telling you as a fait accompli that she’s leaving you two youngish dogs because you were nice enough to help walk them is presumptuous. I can imagine she’s worried about their welfare after she dies, and might have felt it reasonable to ask you to feed and look after them briefly until her next of kin took over, but I would be frank in response.
Tangohead · 04/03/2021 07:30

You can refuse a bequest. Just lie to her whilst she’s alive.

LakieLady · 04/03/2021 08:10

@ShirleyPhallus

I’ll have them! Seriously, take them and then pass them on to me thanks
Damn, I was going to offer to have the whippet ...
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