To refuse this bequest?

[ploomo]

DH and I are in our late 50s and live next door to a single woman a few years younger than us. We've always been friendly and she's been a good neighbour. She has a sister who lives in Scotland and a brother in Australia. They don't seem close.

When we moved here we had two dogs — a Border terrier and a whippet — and she became fond of them and would sometimes help out with dog-sitting. In 2018 she bought a cockerpoo and a Biewer terrier, which are now coming up for three years old. Our last dog died last summer at the age of 16 and we are dog-free for the first time in years.

Late in 2019 our neighbour was diagnosed with breast cancer and we have been been walking and dog-siting her dogs when required. They're nice enough dogs but a bit yappy and high-energy. They're not the kind of dogs we'd choose. We prefer short-haired breeds that don't need lots of grooming. When she was first diagnosed with cancer our neighbour said, jokingly I thought, that she'd leave them to us in her will. I didn't like to say no thanks, it seemed mean.

It's now clear that her treatment hasn't worked. Yesterday we stood in our respective gardens, masked, and she told me she has secondaries in her liver has been told that she may have as little as six months. She said she's seeing a solicitor next week to finalise her will. The house will be sold and her siblings will get the money. She intends to leave us the dogs.

I started to say that we had decided that for the next few years we'd like to be dog-free and take the chance to travel more and she started crying and said if we didn't have them, what would happen to them? So being a coward I just said that it was okay, not to worry.

DH is adamant that he doesn't want them. We're both hoping to retire by the time we're 60 and we'd like the freedom to travel without having to organise kennels and dog-sitters, with all the expense involved. And then of course there's the insurance and the vet fees and the grooming.

AIBU to say no, please don't leave them to us in your will? Should I say we'll take them for a short time and rehome them? We don't want to cause her worry so maybe we should just say yes, we'll have the dogs and then rehome them after her death. Or is that dishonest?

I'd hate to think that we might fall out over this. She may need us more than ever in the coming months and it would be awful if she felt she couldn't call on our support.

I absolutely wouldn't lie. I would feel awful and imagine that she might be watching me, do as she didn't want.

Whether someone is dying or not, they are still an adult and capable of handling adult decisions. I would offer to rehome but I would absolutely clear about my intentions.

I think you owe her, and yourself, honesty. And I am not averse to white lies. I just think she is making decisions and she needs to be informed. In her position I would much rather know the truth.

@mainsfed

The house will be sold and her siblings will get the money. She intends to leave us the dogs.

She should leave the dogs to her siblings!

Not your circus, not your dogs.

Really?

Please don't lie to her and rehome! I have a dog and this would be the last thing I'd want. I'd prefer to find good homes for them myself. If you lie to her you're taking this option away from her and I think that's really cruel. What she really wants is to make sure her dogs are okay. Not have someone lie to salve their own conscience, and then do the one thing behind her back she doesn't want to happen.

Be honest with her, and give her the time to sort something out. As a PP has said, you can also be honest with her and promise to find the dogs good homes afterwards if she doesn't manage to sort something out in time. But lying here is not kind.

Being the dogs are still young and very sadly your NDN doesn’t have much time left, agree with others that you’ll keep her happy for now. Once she has sadly passed, you can rehome the dogs. With young digs, shouldn’t be difficult for one of the previous mentioned dog charities to find them a good home.

Take the dogs and rehome them. Gives her peace of mind and you may have more time to find the right future owners.

As per Recruit2020, I have actually left a good amount of money in my will also which comes along with my dog.

To reiterate though I'd be heartbroken to have trusted someone on their word, and for them to turn around and get rid of my dogs after

Just tell her that you’re sorry, sad and embarrassed to disappoint her but the truth is, your future plans involve foreign travel and your dh doesn’t want more dogs. They are valid reasons not to take them. You can lean on the ‘dh said no’ point if it will help you feel less awful. You’re the one who’s going to be having this horrid conversation, not him, so pin it there. You’ve been put in a really awkward position through no fault of your own...a little bending of the truth is allowable here.
Good luck.

I wonder how your chat has gone? Whilst I understand people saying that she won't know any different, you will be living and will have to live with whatever you choose to do including if that involves lying.

But my two penneth worth is, that yes of course 100% it is so sad that this woman is going to die, BUT, she really has no right to assume that you will take on such a huge responsibility. She really should have asked you if you would have them and been open to you saying regretfully no. And crying in front of you saying she is worried about them is really just emotional blackmail .

I've just taken the dogs for a short walk and have reassured our neighbour that I will look after them and that she doesn't have to worry about them. I didn't go into details and then distracted her by saying that we must talk about how we can support her in the coming months. I think she's relieved.

Just to clarify a couple of points:
Although we've lived here for years I don't think her siblings have visited. Covid has obviously made it more difficult in the last year. I suspect we are the first people she looks to for support.

We're already fond of the dogs and our house is already their second home. I'm guessing that as things progress they may spend more and more time with us. I wouldn't want them to have to go from here to a dog rescue centre before being rehomed so we'll look after them until we've found a permanent loving home for them. I would hope that that would just take a matter of weeks when the time comes.

I'm not sure if the Cinnamon Trust is quite the right fit for these dogs, which are still young. The cockerpoo in particular can be quite dominant and a bit challenging. I'll do more research. We know lots of people with dogs and we may be able to find new owners via friends of friends (though of course we'll check them out very carefully before making any decisions).

@ploomo - well done, that’s such a lovely thing you are doing for her. What a nice person you are

I’d take them to leave her free of worry, she doesn’t need that kind of anxiety or worry, but when she passes after a few months I’d find them a new Home If you’re sure you don’t want them. What other option does she have I can’t imagine facing death and worrying about my dogs in kennels. For her sake take them even if you plan on reforming them.

The woman is dying of cancer and sounds like she doesn't have the best amount of support.

Take the dogs, rehome after she's died.

All she needs right now is the comfort and security of knowing her dogs will be taken care of.
It would be a kindness to take this weight off her mind.

I would absolutely not want my sister or parents to get my dogs if I died.
I would hope to choose someone I trusted to care for them the way I would hope they would be cared for and I presume this is what the lady has tried to do. I would rather choose a friend or someone interested in the dogs over my sister who would not give them the lifestyle I wanted. I’m sure the lady has considered this for herself.

OP it’s very hard, I would find it difficult to lie and say I would keep them but I would say I would make sure they are okay and try and do my best by them. You sound like a lovely friend.

So you're doing all the donkey work supporting her challenging dogs, she expects you to take them on for the duration of their lives but she's leaving every penny to the siblings she never sees?

She didn't even ask if you'd be willing, or your circumstances, just thrust them on you and then cried and guilted you.

If I were your husband I wuold be seriously displeased.

It's really not on to have thrust this on you.

Just read your last post, well done OP

You’re brave to say it chamomile but I agree.

It would be a no from me, sensitively handled.

Oh you updated. Ok. Enjoy the dogs.

Yes. If it were my dog and my illness, I'd be glad to have you on board. She clearly has nothing to worry about regarding you making sure the dogs find a loving home.

Do tell her, though, if the conversation arises, rather than lie. For your own peace of mind. It might be slightly easier for her if she trusted they'd live out their days with you, but you'd have to live the rest of your life feeling guilty that you lied to a dying woman about what was most precious to her. It's not worth it. She'll want to know they'll be loved and taken good care of, and that you'll make sure of that. That's all.

An experienced solicitor would be wording the Will so that you would not feel obliged to keep the dogs personally. You would be the dogs' guardian, responsible for seeing it was dealt with as seemed best to you. Someone has to be on the spot to step in immediately to make sure the dogs are fed . The Cinnamon Trust has been mentioned, the RSPCA and the Dog Trust also help . Your neighbour may no longer be up to dealing with information about these organisations, so you might be kinder simply to say you'll make sure the dogs are looked after.

@Chamomileteaplease

I wonder how your chat has gone? Whilst I understand people saying that she won't know any different, you will be living and will have to live with whatever you choose to do including if that involves lying.

But my two penneth worth is, that yes of course 100% it is so sad that this woman is going to die, BUT, she really has no right to assume that you will take on such a huge responsibility. She really should have asked you if you would have them and been open to you saying regretfully no. And crying in front of you saying she is worried about them is really just emotional blackmail .

Yep. I'd also be pissed off if I were your h. She didn't even ask, just thrust it on you and then guilted you.

@picklemewalnuts

Contact the Cinnamon Trust. Spend time lining up new homes. Contact her relatives so they are aware of your feelings- they may even want the dogs.

Just reassure her you'll make sure the dogs are fine, you'll look after them, you'll make sure they are ok. Doesn't have to be with you.

I would do this. However I'd lie to her and say I'd of course take them in so as others have said she has one less thing to worry about

See this is why I would never ask Mumsnet for advice about anything important.
Does anyone remember the thread about the OP who had inherited a house which had a long standing elderly tenant? She was understandably upset about having to evict her so she could sell the property.
Mumsnet: just give her the house, I would.

@pictish

See this is why I would never ask Mumsnet for advice about anything important. Does anyone remember the thread about the OP who had inherited a house which had a long standing elderly tenant? She was understandably upset about having to evict her so she could sell the property. Mumsnet: just give her the house, I would.

God, yes, it was the kind thing to do, cannot evict the tenant, it's her home. And the one where the OP's mum was frail, elderly and had mental health issues who discovered a tramp had broken into her garden shed and was using it to squat. MN told her to have the mother (the OP lived a few hundred miles away) take him a welfare pack, flasks of tea and soup, bedding, give him the WiFi password, all sorts. Whatever happened to kindness?

This lady is really quite cheeky. You told her you had plans for your retirement that didn't include her dogs, so she guilted you. Leaves every penny to the siblings who are never there but has you literally picking up her dogs' shit.

If I were your h I'd be there to have a frank chat with her.

There is one massive flaw with your approach here @ploomo

Huge.

@Eckhart

Yes. If it were my dog and my illness, I'd be glad to have you on board. She clearly has nothing to worry about regarding you making sure the dogs find a loving home.

Do tell her, though, if the conversation arises, rather than lie. For your own peace of mind. It might be slightly easier for her if she trusted they'd live out their days with you, but you'd have to live the rest of your life feeling guilty that you lied to a dying woman about what was most precious to her. It's not worth it. She'll want to know they'll be loved and taken good care of, and that you'll make sure of that. That's all.

I couldn't possibly say that I promise they'll live out the rest of their days with me and if she pushes for me to say anything along those lines then I'll have to say no, I can't promise that. All I'm prepared to say is that I'll look after the dogs when she's gone and make sure they have good lives. Which I will do.

She knows we took good care of our own dogs and that they had good lives and she can trust me to give her dogs with the same degree of care when looking for a new home for them.

I'm not sure who else she would ask to take them on. Certainly not a sister in Scotland who may never, as far as I'm aware, have met the dogs.