To refuse this bequest?

[ploomo]

DH and I are in our late 50s and live next door to a single woman a few years younger than us. We've always been friendly and she's been a good neighbour. She has a sister who lives in Scotland and a brother in Australia. They don't seem close.

When we moved here we had two dogs — a Border terrier and a whippet — and she became fond of them and would sometimes help out with dog-sitting. In 2018 she bought a cockerpoo and a Biewer terrier, which are now coming up for three years old. Our last dog died last summer at the age of 16 and we are dog-free for the first time in years.

Late in 2019 our neighbour was diagnosed with breast cancer and we have been been walking and dog-siting her dogs when required. They're nice enough dogs but a bit yappy and high-energy. They're not the kind of dogs we'd choose. We prefer short-haired breeds that don't need lots of grooming. When she was first diagnosed with cancer our neighbour said, jokingly I thought, that she'd leave them to us in her will. I didn't like to say no thanks, it seemed mean.

It's now clear that her treatment hasn't worked. Yesterday we stood in our respective gardens, masked, and she told me she has secondaries in her liver has been told that she may have as little as six months. She said she's seeing a solicitor next week to finalise her will. The house will be sold and her siblings will get the money. She intends to leave us the dogs.

I started to say that we had decided that for the next few years we'd like to be dog-free and take the chance to travel more and she started crying and said if we didn't have them, what would happen to them? So being a coward I just said that it was okay, not to worry.

DH is adamant that he doesn't want them. We're both hoping to retire by the time we're 60 and we'd like the freedom to travel without having to organise kennels and dog-sitters, with all the expense involved. And then of course there's the insurance and the vet fees and the grooming.

AIBU to say no, please don't leave them to us in your will? Should I say we'll take them for a short time and rehome them? We don't want to cause her worry so maybe we should just say yes, we'll have the dogs and then rehome them after her death. Or is that dishonest?

I'd hate to think that we might fall out over this. She may need us more than ever in the coming months and it would be awful if she felt she couldn't call on our support.

How very sad.

I agree OP that the best you can do for now is agree and leave it there for now. Put her mind at rest, which will be a great comfort to her.

(Then give those doggies to meeeee-joking)

I couldn't turn her down and would take them. You can always rehome after, but if it offers her peace to know they would be safe with you, at least for a while I couldn't deny her that.

I'm soft though and would probably keep them forever in these circumstances.

Oh gosh what a said situation OP. It’s obviously going to give her great comfort to think the dogs will go to a safe and loving home. I wonder if you could write something down and explain to her that you would be very happy to foster the dogs and find them new living homes in the event of her death. Then that is in writing and unambiguous just incase her family try and guilt you later.

If you are happy to take them short term and rehome them, then just say you are happy to have them. Let her die happy, not worrying about her dogs. It is not dishonest, it is relieving her of stress and worry.

After she has passed away, explain to her family/other friends that you are not able to take the dogs long term. Someone else may wish to take them, but if not, you will of course rehome them responsibly.

• sad

Take the emotional burden off her, tell her you'll take them when the time comes, then re-home them. The other option is see if you can speak to her sister discreetly and explain the situation, that you are happy to "play along" that you will keep them and then make sure they are re-homed in a suitable home to make sure she doesn't have the stress of what to do with her dogs, but wanted to tell her sister so if there is anyone in the extended family who might want to take them, they have a chance to step forward.

Its a horrible situation, I would say the priority is making sure she has no stress about the dogs and the dogs are housed well. A white lie in this situation is a kindness.

I would also just agree to take them and then rehome them via a rescue when she has died , it’s the only way so that she doesn’t worry with what time she has left .

We had a distant neighbour, who was convinced she was going to die & asked us to take her whippet every time we saw her. We looked after her a bit but she was really an aggressive, brittle dog, who bit my own dog. Anyway, she got some very lovely other lady to look after the dog more (after I tried not to be involved) & more, nearly killed her walking the dog. It all got very awkward when she was hospitalised. She had us and random nurses from the hospital looking after the poor dog. Her brother had swerved the whole drama, but she did eventually pass away & a relative took the dog.

The Cinnamon Trust helped out too.

Anyway, I ended up being roped in, despite saying I wasn't ever going to take the dog... do take care not to get into the same situation. It really was awkward. Note!

It's so hard OP. I promised my late Mum I'd have her dog if anything happened to her. She lived for him.

She died, very suddenly one morning whilst out walking him. I was utterly distraught. Dog came to live with me and it was obvious from day one it wasn't going to work. He hated my own dog, frequently snapped at him. Missed the miles of walks he'd go on a day and was generally miserable.

We gave it almost a month and he didn't settle so I took the decision to rehome him. I spoke to a local charity who told me of a lady very similar to Mum who'd just lost her own dog. He went to her. He was delighted to back in the lifestyle to which he was accustomed of fresh chicken and miles of walks and although I was heartbroken I know I did the right thing. New owner still sends snaps several years on. He's happier than he ever would have been with me.

So I'd absolutely say lie, let her pass with comfort and then re-home when she's gone.

I’d let her die happy and rehome them when she’s gone.

@TakeTheCuntOutOfScunthorpe

Just say you're happy to have them, then when the time comes rehome/donate/euthanise them ASAP.

She dies happy, it's little bother for you.

Please please do not have them euthanised....absolutely unnecessary

Agree that a white lie may save her much undue worry and stress in her final months. Say you'll take them, reassure her, then discreetly regime them if needs be. She won't know and is the kindest option.

Breed specific rescues are generally great

Not quite the same situation, but I am looking after cats belonging to a friend who is currently in intensive care.
I hope she makes it, but in the event she doesn't I will be in contact with rehoming organisations for the cats. Her family are very clear that they don't want them.

@SleepingStandingUp

Lie. Lie. Lie

Take them and responsibly rehome them. If she mentions it sound positive.

Oh god, this absolutely. Why wouldn't you?

I’d say you’ll take them, and then re-home them when she’s died. But realistically it’s likely you’ll be looking after them before that, as she’ll become progressively less able to look after them herself.

I've got it, everyone. I'll be picking them up shortly and taking them out for a walk so I'll have a socially distanced chat and make everything okay.

The dogs will need to be rehomed together because they're very bonded. They both hate it if they're split up.

Feeling much better about it. I'm a bit weird about wills and expectations. I've had other bequests in the past that have been poisoned chalices. One of my aunts left me all her furniture in her will. It was awful stuff, cheap and ugly. Couldn't give it away, let alone sell it or auction it. I ended up having to pay someone £200 to dispose of it.

What happens if you are left a sum of money for their lifetime's care?

I

I would start looking for homes now and the cinnamon trust is a good idea

I think maybe approach her with you will take them if they have absolutely noweher else but that you would rather not. That way she has a chance to look for somewhere else.

@BeyondMyWits

What happens if you are left a sum of money for their lifetime's care?

I

You donate it to the charity that rehomes the dogs.

I also think it is far more important to be kind than honest here. Reassure her that they will be well-cared for. Look after them short term towards the end and after her death, until you can safely rehouse them. What matters is that she doesn't worry what will happen to them. In your position I'd ensure they were not euthanised just because their owner died, but were placed together in a loving home. Then you've done your duty by her.

I think I’d take them then rehome them after she has died.

What an awkward situation.
My first instinct would be to be a kind as possible without making a promise I know I can’t keep.
I think an ambiguous response is needed, ‘Yes thinking about it a bit more, we’re very happy to take on the responsibility of your dear dogs future welfare’.
At some stage it would helpful to let the siblings know what commitment you have made, and how you plan to fulfil it. Sooner rather than later would be best, but your key focus should be on supporting your neighbour’s peace of mind.
However do consider whether she is planning to leave you a small legacy to pay for the dogs’ future upkeep. This could be an issue - giving it to the organisation that takes on the dogs could be a solution.