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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To refuse this bequest?

152 replies

ploomo · 03/03/2021 15:28

DH and I are in our late 50s and live next door to a single woman a few years younger than us. We've always been friendly and she's been a good neighbour. She has a sister who lives in Scotland and a brother in Australia. They don't seem close.

When we moved here we had two dogs — a Border terrier and a whippet — and she became fond of them and would sometimes help out with dog-sitting. In 2018 she bought a cockerpoo and a Biewer terrier, which are now coming up for three years old. Our last dog died last summer at the age of 16 and we are dog-free for the first time in years.

Late in 2019 our neighbour was diagnosed with breast cancer and we have been been walking and dog-siting her dogs when required. They're nice enough dogs but a bit yappy and high-energy. They're not the kind of dogs we'd choose. We prefer short-haired breeds that don't need lots of grooming. When she was first diagnosed with cancer our neighbour said, jokingly I thought, that she'd leave them to us in her will. I didn't like to say no thanks, it seemed mean.

It's now clear that her treatment hasn't worked. Yesterday we stood in our respective gardens, masked, and she told me she has secondaries in her liver has been told that she may have as little as six months. She said she's seeing a solicitor next week to finalise her will. The house will be sold and her siblings will get the money. She intends to leave us the dogs.

I started to say that we had decided that for the next few years we'd like to be dog-free and take the chance to travel more and she started crying and said if we didn't have them, what would happen to them? So being a coward I just said that it was okay, not to worry.

DH is adamant that he doesn't want them. We're both hoping to retire by the time we're 60 and we'd like the freedom to travel without having to organise kennels and dog-sitters, with all the expense involved. And then of course there's the insurance and the vet fees and the grooming.

AIBU to say no, please don't leave them to us in your will? Should I say we'll take them for a short time and rehome them? We don't want to cause her worry so maybe we should just say yes, we'll have the dogs and then rehome them after her death. Or is that dishonest?

I'd hate to think that we might fall out over this. She may need us more than ever in the coming months and it would be awful if she felt she couldn't call on our support.

OP posts:

saraclara · 03/03/2021 16:38

Ugh.

My first instinct is to say that much as I hate lying, given what she's going through, I would in this case. Then rehome them when she's gone.

But then I thought about what a pp said about the point where she is still alive but unable to manage them. If you're wanting to travel at that point it would be pretty difficult.

Realistically she's been unfair in making this decision without consulting you, of course. But jeeeze, it's tough. Good luck with whatever you decide.

Eckhart · 03/03/2021 16:38

I think that making it clear from here on in that you're very fond of them would be the greatest reassurance for her. You don't need to tell her you'll keep them forever. She just needs to know they will be loved to bits, and that you can carefully arrange that for them.

SugarfreeBlitz · 03/03/2021 16:44

@ploomo

Thank you all — I feel a bit too close to the situation to be able to see it clearly and I don't like to lie if I can help it.

I don't think it would be wise to start investigating new homes for the dogs until she dies. My mum was told she had three months to live and then went on for nearly three years. I'll just reassure her that we'll look after the dogs and leave it at that.

That's probably wise. You never know, she could outlive the dogs.

It's probably the kindest thing to say you'll "home the dogs" - that way you're not lying. You will "home " them. Just not with you.

Tal45 · 03/03/2021 16:45

Tell her you'll have them. If you tell her anything else ie that you'll look to rehome them or take them to a dogs charity she'll just worry so much. Tell her you'll have them and then look to rehome them after she dies, she deserves a bit of peace of mind I think and I'd normally always say honesty is the best policy :-( xxx

DowntonCrabby · 03/03/2021 16:51

I think a white lie in these circumstances is out of kindness.

I’m sure you’ll find them a great home when the time comes OP.

MayLeaveADentInYourSofa · 03/03/2021 16:51

Like most people have said I would reassure her that I would take them and then find a lovely home once she has gone.

Also, be prepared to have them for a while anyway when she is no longer able to care for them.

mimbleandlittlemy · 03/03/2021 16:53

Dogs Trust has some helpful stuff on what to do with dogs in this situation: www.dogstrust.org.uk/help-advice/dog-care/canine-care-card.

Perhaps you are going to have to say you have given it a lot of thought and you can't take them but you have done some research and here's the info - though I appreciate that might be really hard.

Pugdoglife · 03/03/2021 16:54

I hate lying but I think it's probably the kindest thing to do. Keep helping her with the dogs, let her pass away knowing that they will be safe and loved and when the time comes arrange for a charity to help re-home them with a lovely new family.
It's so sad and it's nice that she trusts you so much, but dogs can be a burden and you shouldn't be forced into having them when you want some freedom.

StressedTired · 03/03/2021 16:56

Oh gosh, what a sad situation. I think like most here I would lie and say you'll take the dogs, then rehome them afterwards. Let her die in peace knowing they are taken care of by someone she trusts. That's much better for her, and the dogs will be fine either way. It's only a white lie.

ExConstance · 03/03/2021 16:56

Please help ease her final months by agreeing. The Dogs Trust will probably help you once she is gone and find lovely homes for them where they will be loved to bits.

Robintakeover · 03/03/2021 16:58

I think you need to lie and rehome them responsibly later . There will be a time when she’s too ill to care for them though so you’d probably need to take them temporarily - I don’t envy you OP but I think it would be so hard for both of you to be truthful now

mainsfed · 03/03/2021 17:01

The house will be sold and her siblings will get the money. She intends to leave us the dogs.

She should leave the dogs to her siblings!

Not your circus, not your dogs.

Recruit2020 · 03/03/2021 17:06

Agree with the majority. She wants peace, you can rehome them later or speak to her relatives after she passes.
They are effectively her babies as long as you do right by the dogs. I am all for honesty but sometimes white lies spare a lot of people.
As someone with health issues I have a very water tight will. Included in that is finanicial pet provisions. The genuine person who wants to give her dogs a good life might end up with a surprise x

Eviethyme · 03/03/2021 17:07

Yeah I'd take them and then let the rescue centre try to rehome them.

shockthemonkey · 03/03/2021 17:09

I agree you should tell her you'll take them, and when the time comes look at Cinnamon Trust or Dog's Trust.

Thank goodness, no vet will euthanise healthy dogs, so you won't be able to go down the heartless route suggested by one PP.

Gassylady · 03/03/2021 17:18

I think you need to be honest with her that you are happy to help for now but can’t make a longer term commitment. What if she also left you money to facilitate you taking care of them that would make things more complicated and I suspect make you fell even worse.

eatsleepread · 03/03/2021 17:20

Oh God, that's so sad. Please reassure her that you will give them THE best and most loving home. And then rehome them if you wish when she has passed away. Yes, it is dishonest, but giving her one less significant worry is the kindest thing to do.

SunshineCake · 03/03/2021 17:22

I've only read the OP and my instinct is that the kindest thing to do, if she asks again, is to say you will take them. Ask for all the insurance documentation and then if you don't fall in love with them, re-home them.

We have a neighbour who is dying and it is just so sad.

Shrivelled · 03/03/2021 17:22

Wow not surprised she cried! I’d say “you’ve had a long chat with DH and have decided you’d love for the dogs to come and make their new home with you”. Then immediately re-home them. I don’t even like dogs but can imagine she’d have been totally crushed when you said no.

2bazookas · 03/03/2021 17:24

google

Wood Green Pet Promise. They deal with exactly your neighbours circumstance.

ShinyMe · 03/03/2021 17:24

I would say something like "don't worry, I will look after them, they'll stay together, i'll make sure they're looked after". Then talk to the Cinnamon Trust and have them rehomed. That way you're not lying and you're letting her die happy.

NoProblem123 · 03/03/2021 17:25

Gosh this is really sad 😞

My Aunt was left an ancient, toothless, incontinent shihtzu which she definitely didn’t want. She took it in and loved it to bits and was heartbroken when it passed.

If it was me I think I’d lie. Accept the dogs wholeheartedly, and once she’s died and I still felt the same I’d look to rehome.

pictish · 03/03/2021 17:26

Oh my goodness...you’d all think me dreadful but I’d stick with the no. I’d just be kind but honest. It’s a terrible dilemma but I wouldn’t want to mislead her into thinking they were going to stay with me...and truthfully I wouldn’t want to be left with the responsibility of rehoming either. On top of that, your dh doesn’t want them and his opinion matters too.
I’d have a frank (and likely very sad) conversation with the neighbour to tell her I won’t be taking them. Ghastly of course but no, I wouldn’t lie.

rawalpindithelabrador · 03/03/2021 17:30

@pictish

Oh my goodness...you’d all think me dreadful but I’d stick with the no. I’d just be kind but honest. It’s a terrible dilemma but I wouldn’t want to mislead her into thinking they were going to stay with me...and truthfully I wouldn’t want to be left with the responsibility of rehoming either. On top of that, your dh doesn’t want them and his opinion matters too. I’d have a frank (and likely very sad) conversation with the neighbour to tell her I won’t be taking them. Ghastly of course but no, I wouldn’t lie.

I don't think that's dreadful at all. I think it's wrong to lie. I'd feel more guilty about doing that than lying to her knowing you won't be keeping them and yy, your h doesn't want them, either. I'd offer to help her rehome them but go exactly how you suggest, pictish.

SugarfreeBlitz · 03/03/2021 17:31

@mainsfed

The house will be sold and her siblings will get the money. She intends to leave us the dogs.

She should leave the dogs to her siblings!

Not your circus, not your dogs.

Actually yes the dogs should go to family.

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