This is going to be a long one, so fair warning!
I’m so fed up with my life right now, and I do think I might be a little depressed, probably from lockdown like a lot of people. So I need to know if I’m being fair or not towards my partner right now.
We’ve been together 10 years, he’s a wonderful man, kind, empathetic, funny and we get on fantastically. When we first started living together, he moved into my flat. He was earning around 80k-100k per year, I was earning about 32k, however because the bills were already set up to come out of my account, I kept being the one to pay them, whilst he paid for food, meals out, a couple of holidays, and most of our expenses for our dog. Thinking back now, I don’t think it was the best way to split finances, but he insisted he was spending just as much as I was each month on “us”, and it didn’t feel that uneven, so I didn’t worry too much.
A couple of years ago he got really depressed over his job and wanted to quit and retrain to do something else. I had a promotion at work and my pay was increased to 40k, so I agreed that he should quit if it would make him happy, and we also planned to move a little further out of London.
So we found a new place, and because he wasn’t working at this point, all the new bills again went in my name, it also transpired that he had no savings at this point, which I just can’t understand when he was such a high earner, and to be honest, it pissed me off a bit. It also meant I paid for all of our moving costs, as well as purchasing new furniture that we needed, out of my savings. Around this time we also discussed marriage. We’d talked about it a few times over the years, but now it became apparent he had no plans to marry me, and whilst that wasn’t a deal breaker for me, it did mean I wanted to start planning for my own future independent of him. He already has a property that he owns, I don’t, so I wanted to start saving to buy somewhere.
Time went on and he was making minimum effort to find a job, and also did very little around the house. His mum gave him 13k, he sold his motorbike and I lent him 3k to tide him over, he did also still buy the food shopping, but the vast majority of this money was spent on his assets. Then COVID hit, and with the increased stress, I lost it with him. I told him that whilst he was home he couldn’t just sit on the sofa playing games all day, he needed to do a proper food shop so that we had stuff in should we both get sick, he needed to do the house work and step up and contribute (not financially, just something towards our relationship). Things did improve, but obviously him finding a job became even harder.
Just before Christmas last year, he finally got a new job after almost 2 years of being out of work, and it came with the opportunity to retrain, its exactly what he wanted to do so I’m happy for him, however, he is only being paid 25k, this is not what he told me he’d be earning. So this means I’m still paying for all of our bills except food, whilst he uses his money to pay his mortgage and the credit card debt he’s built up whilst being out of work. I really resent this, I need to buy my own house, yet instead I’m financing his. I wouldn’t mind if we were married, but we’re not, and we’re not going to be.
He’s not mentioned relooking at the bills since he’s started earning, or even mentioned paying back my 3k. I know he will start earning more once he’s been in the job longer, but he seems to just assume it’s ok to keep leaving me with all the bills without even discussing it with me.
A week ago he told me he’d won £200 on the lottery. I waited to see if he would do something for us with the money, but nope, he seems to have just kept it to himself. I’m starting to feel so resentful, I’ve raised it with him, he claims he subsided me whilst we lived in our own place, but fuck knows how he comes to that conclusion when I paid all our bills there too. I think if he showed some gratitude or acknowledge the sacrifices I’m making to support him, I wouldn’t be so angry, but he doesn’t, it’s like he thinks I owe him this.
I’m turning 40 this year, I’m desperate to buy, but I just can’t see how I can afford it when I’m having to support this man.
What do we do? How do I stop this resentment building? I want to be clear that he’s not tight, even though he sounds it from the above, I think it’s more that he has the mentality that we’re going to spend our lives together, so all money is our money and we’re a team. I’m not so sure anymore.