Who is being unreasonable here, him or me?

[Naunet]

This is going to be a long one, so fair warning!

I’m so fed up with my life right now, and I do think I might be a little depressed, probably from lockdown like a lot of people. So I need to know if I’m being fair or not towards my partner right now.

We’ve been together 10 years, he’s a wonderful man, kind, empathetic, funny and we get on fantastically. When we first started living together, he moved into my flat. He was earning around 80k-100k per year, I was earning about 32k, however because the bills were already set up to come out of my account, I kept being the one to pay them, whilst he paid for food, meals out, a couple of holidays, and most of our expenses for our dog. Thinking back now, I don’t think it was the best way to split finances, but he insisted he was spending just as much as I was each month on “us”, and it didn’t feel that uneven, so I didn’t worry too much.

A couple of years ago he got really depressed over his job and wanted to quit and retrain to do something else. I had a promotion at work and my pay was increased to 40k, so I agreed that he should quit if it would make him happy, and we also planned to move a little further out of London.

So we found a new place, and because he wasn’t working at this point, all the new bills again went in my name, it also transpired that he had no savings at this point, which I just can’t understand when he was such a high earner, and to be honest, it pissed me off a bit. It also meant I paid for all of our moving costs, as well as purchasing new furniture that we needed, out of my savings. Around this time we also discussed marriage. We’d talked about it a few times over the years, but now it became apparent he had no plans to marry me, and whilst that wasn’t a deal breaker for me, it did mean I wanted to start planning for my own future independent of him. He already has a property that he owns, I don’t, so I wanted to start saving to buy somewhere.

Time went on and he was making minimum effort to find a job, and also did very little around the house. His mum gave him 13k, he sold his motorbike and I lent him 3k to tide him over, he did also still buy the food shopping, but the vast majority of this money was spent on his assets. Then COVID hit, and with the increased stress, I lost it with him. I told him that whilst he was home he couldn’t just sit on the sofa playing games all day, he needed to do a proper food shop so that we had stuff in should we both get sick, he needed to do the house work and step up and contribute (not financially, just something towards our relationship). Things did improve, but obviously him finding a job became even harder.

Just before Christmas last year, he finally got a new job after almost 2 years of being out of work, and it came with the opportunity to retrain, its exactly what he wanted to do so I’m happy for him, however, he is only being paid 25k, this is not what he told me he’d be earning. So this means I’m still paying for all of our bills except food, whilst he uses his money to pay his mortgage and the credit card debt he’s built up whilst being out of work. I really resent this, I need to buy my own house, yet instead I’m financing his. I wouldn’t mind if we were married, but we’re not, and we’re not going to be.

He’s not mentioned relooking at the bills since he’s started earning, or even mentioned paying back my 3k. I know he will start earning more once he’s been in the job longer, but he seems to just assume it’s ok to keep leaving me with all the bills without even discussing it with me.

A week ago he told me he’d won £200 on the lottery. I waited to see if he would do something for us with the money, but nope, he seems to have just kept it to himself. I’m starting to feel so resentful, I’ve raised it with him, he claims he subsided me whilst we lived in our own place, but fuck knows how he comes to that conclusion when I paid all our bills there too. I think if he showed some gratitude or acknowledge the sacrifices I’m making to support him, I wouldn’t be so angry, but he doesn’t, it’s like he thinks I owe him this.

I’m turning 40 this year, I’m desperate to buy, but I just can’t see how I can afford it when I’m having to support this man.

What do we do? How do I stop this resentment building? I want to be clear that he’s not tight, even though he sounds it from the above, I think it’s more that he has the mentality that we’re going to spend our lives together, so all money is our money and we’re a team. I’m not so sure anymore.

”however because the bills were already set up to come out of my account, I kept being the one to pay them, whilst he paid for food, meals out, a couple of holidays, and most of our expenses for our dog.”

Was rent included in the bills?

“Thinking back now, I don’t think it was the best way to split finances, but he insisted he was spending just as much as I was each month on “us”, and it didn’t feel that uneven, so I didn’t worry too much.”

Didn’t you ever do a rough add up of the sums in all those years? Were you paying the same?

Op - to put the shopping into perspective.

We are a family of 4. Kids at the upper end of primary and probably eat nearly as much as us. We buy everything from the supermarket. Food, drinks, all toiletries, all cleaning products. Currently all meals are being eaten in the house.

We are very comfortable financially and do not skimp at all. Most of our shopping is branded, there is a reasonable amount of Tesco finest involved.

In February we spent about £900.

As said there are 4 of us.

If you are happy to stay together then you need a joint account for all food and bills that you both put a proportionate amount in ie 70% salary. You also need your name joint on his property so if necessary bills for that joint asset can come out of joint account too) I think you need to present this as an ultimatum and not negotiable

Not a sexist bone in his body? He expected you to clean up after him, while he spent all day with his arse on the sofa, playing games. The woman does the housework, even if she is the only one working FT? He is grasping and ungrateful.

Much worse though, is that you have been with him for 10 YEARS and have no idea how he spends his money or what his true savings or even earnings are. What happened to the huge salary? Where is that money? What's going on with his rent payments? And why have you two not discussed all of this openly?

He's not your partner and you're not his. Partners... partner. They talk about this stuff and work out plans together.

Also, his cigs come out of his remainder, might as well just burn £20 notes

@cam77 yeah I paid the rent too, which wasn’t cheap with it being in London.

So I guess thinking about it a little more, he’d pay for all the food (I don’t think he actually has any idea what he was spending on food), most of the bills for our dog, who was a rescue and had a medical condition that would mean sedation every couple of months and medication, so that isn’t cheap, he did pay house and pet insurance too, which I’d forgotten about in my earlier post, plus the vast majority of things like meals/days out. He also paid for petrol, and whilst it was his car, I obviously benefitted from that.

I didn’t ever work it out penny for penny, which was dumb, I’ll admit! But although I suspected I paid a little more than him, I don’t think it would be by much.

Yuck. Cocklodging leech. Get rid.

Not a sexist bone in his body? He expected you to clean up after him, while he spent all day with his arse on the sofa, playing games

Just to clarify this point, he never expected me to clean up after him. It was more a case of whilst I was working, he’d sit and play his games, he’d then make me lunch, leave the kitchen a bit of a mess, make dinner that night and leave more of a mess, and then half tidy it up in the morning. So it’s not that he expected me to do it, more that he just never kept on top of it (and like fuck was I going to do it!!)

I can’t disagree with the rest of your post though. I’m absolutely devastated reading these replies, I’ve been so blind. Rest assured, I’m not a doormat, despite the impression my posts might have given. I know this needs to stop.

"For the 3k, I guess for now I’m ok waiting until he’s earning a little more, it’s more the fact that he hasn’t raised the issue with me and asked if that’s ok that pisses me off."

Why? Why are you ok with that? You're 40 years old and don't even own a house despite having the means. You need it back.

Not a sexist bone in his body? Do me a favour, he had to be told to "step up", sitting there playing on his games and letting you do everything.

He isn't the kindest man who would "do anything for anyone". He doesn't do much for you does he?

All this time he's let you pay the rent and bills while he sits back, playing games, avoiding housework and responsibilities and taking handouts from his mother and his girlfriend.

Meanwhile, he's got a property that he rents out. Bet he describes that as his "pension fund" doesn't he? And it is just his alone and always will be because he's had zero intention of marrying you.

I hate the term cocklodger but you've actually got one.

He wouldnt do anything for anyone though would he? When times were good and he was earning loads, he spent all that money on himself. When fortunes were reversed, he expected your help. When hes now doing better, he again keeps his good fortune to himself. That's the definition of selfish. If he thinks money is shared, why is your name not on his house? That you effectively pay for. Why was the 200 winnings not put into the joint pot? Seems very much what is his is his and what's yours is for both of you

@Naunet

Why are you waiting for him to mention paying you back the money he owes? Are you mute?

Of course not, I’ve raised the bills with him a couple of times. Last time we spoke, we agreed that he would keep all the receipts from the food shopping for a month as he’s convinced he’s spending a grand a month (for 2 of us!!!), and I think that’s unlikely, but if it’s true, we could look at ways to cut back. This weekend I found out he’s not been doing that, so we had another argument about it and he promised he would start.

For the 3k, I guess for now I’m ok waiting until he’s earning a little more, it’s more the fact that he hasn’t raised the issue with me and asked if that’s ok that pisses me off.

Of course he didn't save the receipts. He didn't want you to see exactly what he does spend, because I bet its a lot less than he's saying.

I’m really struggling to see how a “good man” as you describe him is happy to so completely take advantage of you financially. I think what you’ve described makes him incredibly selfish and manipulative and he has been from day one.
If you were to split up he would walk away still with his own flat while you’d be left with nothing and most likely minus the 3k. On a different side with him as your partner are you ever going to get to do nice holidays and live a lifestyle you want?

But he was earning lots more than you were - 3x the amount. So why was he not paying proportionally

I think he has some secret savings too, because if you reckoned that your outgoings were roughly the same, he would have had around 50K 'extra' a year and you must have noticed what he was spending on?? especially when he managed to survive on about 16K when he was given money by you and his mum and didnt cut back his minimal bill paying.

You also need to stop making excuses for him. The fact he put petrol in his own car did not "benefit you". I'm sure you cope perfectly fine without a car in London. He chose to have one, that's not your problem.

The rent, dog, bills and food should've been split down the middle.

Repairs on his property, petrol for his car, his cigarettes included in the "food" calculations, his mortgage and credit card bills, his lottery tickets (since he doesn't share the winnings) are not joint costs. They are his extras and if he wants them he pays.

Instead, you and his mum have funded his lifestyle for him to the point that he jacked in a high earning job because he didn't need to do it anymore.

I think you just need to revisit the way things are split and start again OP. I'm sure your DP is a decent guy generally but there's no reason why he should be contributing so much less than you to your life!

Work out the total you pay on average in rent and bills each month and split that 50/50 (or proportionally based on earnings if you prefer). Then you can also split the food shop 50/50.

If he has an issue with this then I guess that will give you an indication as to whether he is sponging on purpose.

This makes absolutely no sense. He’s lying to you about something - he’s either got hidden savings, or he’s got a problem like drugs or gambling and that’s where his money is going.

I don’t understand why for so many years he was earning 80-100k, and you never thought once to query about savings

I'd buy a place alone and suggest that he focuses on paying off his debt. You ll be happier. How can you move forward when you're subsidising his life?! He has a property that hes renting out, he could always give notice and move there, you dont even have your own property. It wouldnt be a good idea to rent past 40 as it becomes harder to secure a mortgage. Nor do you want to pay a mortgage when you ve retired, using your pension. Think of your self for a change. I wouldnt be surprised if he has a large savings account somewhere and he doesnt seem bothered about marrying you.

Yanbu, He can't afford the other house so he needs to sell it. Surely has renting it out at least?

Not being a bitch here but I reckon you have a cocklodger and as soon as he is retrained he will up and leave. Sorry x

He’s unreasonable and financially abusive. Where has his money gone? Gambling, covert savings accounts, drugs?

hes lying about something

he either has savings which he wont tell you about or hes gambling doing drugs something like that

Gosh in the nicest way op let the scales fall from your eyes....

He won't marry you (think about why)
His substantial earnings have 'disappeared' ( hidden bank account)
He spends a grand a month on food for 2. (Laughable)
He argues when you bring it up.( gaslighting)

I think he won't marry you as he doesn't think of you as financial partners, and has likely stashed money from his earlier earnings which he has no intention of sharing with you.

Do you really want to spend your life like this, is he really worth it?

He's been looking after himself, he sounds incredibly selfish.

Why isn't he renting his house out? And then contributing his share of the bills and rent?

If I were you I'd think long and hard. Your opportunity to buy somewhere is coming to an end. You need enough time left in a career to pay off a mortgage and as you get older it will get harder and harder to get a mortgage with no equity.

I would issue an ultimatum.

Either he puts you on his property's legal work so you own a proportion of that, or its over. He's having his cake and eating it. You meanwhile are scrambling around for crumbs.

I do feel quite sorry for you actually because people that take advantage often present as nice people, and often they are but it's hard to link the bad behaviour to the kind individual.

I'm not in any way saying that this is abuse but reflect on the fact that people stay with their abusers for a number of reasons and sometimes that it because they cant reconcile the behaviour with the person they think they know. I'm not saying your partner is completely putting on an act but any time you question anything he gets defensive and argues or you ask for receipts and he forgets... It's not a great picture written down and that must be hard to reconcile with him bringing you sandwiches and hugs on the sofa. Maybe keep a diary so you can see it all in ink and as a list and see any patterns x

He's either incredibly thoughtless and naturally selfish or he's playing like a fiddle

If this was reversed and you had moved into his rented London flat whilst only paying for shopping, vets, insurance etc very likely you could be a few years down the line now on your own but to let...