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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I crazy?

95 replies

Pegkelly · 01/03/2021 07:55

Hi everyone! I had a huge row with my husband on Saturday night and am now wondering if I over reacted or am I justified in being so annoyed? I’m 35 weeks pregnant. My husband asked if I minded he went to his buddy’s house for a few beers on Saturday night. Of course I don’t mind, in my current state I’m in bed by 8.30 most nights! I worked in my studio (away from our home) Saturday afternoon. I had specifically asked him what time he was leaving at- he just said “tonight”. When I arrived home at 5.30pm he was already gone. I text him immediately and asked was he actually gone for beers already. He replied and said he was. I wrote back that I was surprised it was so early and he hadn’t let me know. I said the normal thing to do would be to call me, ask when I was home, were we having dinner together, and that he would walk the dog (who was with me) or basically was there anything I needed before he left. He said back he didn’t know what time I’d be home so just left, what’s the big deal. He also said he intended to be home early. I responded by saying I was annoyed and felt that was a bit sneaky, running out before I could say a word. He didn’t reply. I went to bed as normal and woke up at 12.30am, he still wasn’t home. I text and said “I thought u intended to be home early- 7 hours of beer seems like a lot to me”. He read the message and ignored it. I woke again at 1.30am, still not home, so I text saying “8 hours later and your still not home, not cool”, he didn’t reply. He eventually came home at 3am and was obviously afraid to see me so stayed downstairs on the sofa. I was so mad. On Sunday I got up and decided to ignore him as he had chosen to ignore me the night before. He asked to talk at 2pm and I completely ignored him. Childish I know but I hardly trust myself to speak or I would have been so mad. I didn’t speak to him for the whole day. I feel like I’m doing so well in my pregnancy, I don’t complain, I do as much as I can but I still need support. Running out the door before I could know about it and staying out until 3am seems really unsupportive and inconsiderate to me- am I being unreasonable? Or crazy? Thank you in advance for your opinion :)

OP posts:

Merryoldgoat · 01/03/2021 08:17

You sound difficult.

Unless he dies this every week then I can’t see the issue.

Bluntness100 · 01/03/2021 08:20

It’s clearly not Covid that’s bothering you, and it doesn’t seem there are other kids to care for, so I can’t see the issue with him doing as he did. You sound a bit controlling in terms of what actions he needs to take before he goes out and how long he’s allowe out for. He’s not a teenager breaking his curfew.

luxxlisbon · 01/03/2021 08:21

I think you are blowing this up bigger than it needs to be. You expected him to constantly run his times past you but you didn’t do that for him, if you had then none of this would have happened. He can’t “sneak out” if you aren’t even home and he has no idea what your plan is or when you would be back. Unless there is a reason to think he is being sneaky then you are overreacting.

Rillington · 01/03/2021 08:25

He told you he was going out. What a massive overreaction.

MillyMinamino · 01/03/2021 08:26

He's not your teenage child, he's a grown adult. Obviously it would be preferable if you had consulted each other with regards to your retutn time, dog-walking and whether you'd be eating together but as long as the staying out until 3am isn't a regular occurrence I don't think I could get that worked up about it.

Has he generally been supportive of you throughout the pregnancy, or is this part of a bigger issue?

TheresHope · 01/03/2021 08:26

I would be annoyed if he’s suppose to be the one driving you to hospital if you go into labour. It’s not unheard of for babies to come at 35 weeks.

All is fine so I’d let it slide but making him aware I don’t appreciate getting too hammered to drive from now on.

Ileflottante · 01/03/2021 08:31

It’s annoying if he was in a position to walk the dog and things before going and didn’t, but he was quite clear about going out and you had said you didn’t mind.

Is it Covid? Is it resentment at being tired and pregnant and your own freedoms somewhat hampered?

I expect he had a whopping hangover and was shit company the next day but...that’s allowed. It’s not fun if you’re the partner who gets ‘punished’ any time you try to do anything. He’s an adult and doesn’t have a curfew.

MonochromeMinnie · 01/03/2021 08:32

Sorry to say this, but how sure are you that he was at a mate's house? Also you're married, not house mates, so I would expect common courtesy about what time you'd be back, did you want dinner together before he left etc.

alwaysbethepigeon · 01/03/2021 08:36

I speak as someone who can be slightly batshit at times here. I think YABU your DH left when you weren't there. That was rude he could have text or called and asked how long you would be as he was heading out soon. I think you texting him and having a go has made his think🖕🏻 and that's why he hasn't returned home til much later than he planned.

SpnBaby1967 · 01/03/2021 08:39

I'd be annoyed with him saying he'll be home early & then still out until the early hours of the next morning. That is disrespectful imo and I would be furious.

However, i wouldnt be mad about him leaving before you got home. Sounds like he didnt know what time you would be home. Would have been good for him to let you know what time he was planning on leaving.

I think the stuff round dog walking, asking if you need anything etc is a massive overreaction. Your pregnant not incompetent. If you find you need anything whilst he's out, go and sort it! You're an adult, and quite capable..

SchrodingersImmigrant · 01/03/2021 08:40

Silent treatment and sulking isn't nice even if women does it.
Be an adult and talk like adults. You are about to have a child so maybe it's time to start.

Yes, he could have text he is leaving, we would in my house, but that's about that. Agree with pp about that messages and why he didn't answer.

MyLittleOrangutan · 01/03/2021 08:42

I would be annoyed if my husband did that. We always keep each other in the loop and even more so now I'm pregnant, a month behind you, DH wouldn't go out without knowing I was home safely, and he would keep checking in. He wont even drink atm in case I need to go to hospital.

All relationships are different, I know some couples who dont even know where the other is most of the time. It depends what the norm is for you. If it's something that he would usually do and you wouldn't usually be bothered by then you need to explain that your feelings have changed and you dont feel comfortable with it. If it's a thing he hasn't done before, make it clear you didn't like it, he needs to be reliable, particularly now, and you dont want it to happen again. Then try to move past it.

MinnieJackson · 01/03/2021 08:43

I agree it was stupid of him to stay out so late drinking, but he did ask you first if you minded and you said you didn't so it's kind of a half and half BU. Hopefully he had the hangover from hell 😁

ElizaLaLa · 01/03/2021 08:43

I responded by saying I was annoyed and felt that was a bit sneaky, running out before I could say a word.

What did you need to say a word for? You already agreed that he would be going out?

On Sunday I got up and decided to ignore him as he had chosen to ignore me the night before. He asked to talk at 2pm and I completely ignored him.

Should you even be having children?

Running out the door before I could know about it

You knew he was going out.

Jumpers268 · 01/03/2021 08:44

I do think you're blowing this up a little. Don't get me wrong, he should've messaged when he realised it wasn't going to be an early night. That's not difficult but if he'd messaged to say that, would you have still been pissed at him? The going out before you'd got home wouldn't have annoyed me though.

JungOwlWan · 01/03/2021 08:46

I would be annoyed YES but as the daughter of a mum who has spent her life giving me silent treatments every time I communicate any slight 'feedback' to her, I will say do not get in to the habit of giving your husband the silent treatment.

Even if you say very directly, I"m very upset. I feel like you would rather sneak out, ignore me all night than just be respectful and right now I don't know what to say to you so I'm going to calm now and I'm not going to able to chat breezily today.

Say that rather than the silent treatment.

You will destroy your marriage.

My mother fucked me up so badly that I've never been able to have a relationship that lasted. I went for men who were cold to me.

Sorry to dump all this on you when you're feeling shit and want support. I would be upset in your shoes too honestly. I would feel ignored. I would feel abandoned. I would feel trapped at home.

But say what you feel to your husband. If you feel upset that he still has the freedom to go out all night and you don't and that makes you feel upset, say that

Always say what you're thinking. That won't make things worse in the long run.

Bluntness100 · 01/03/2021 08:46

What is it that’s caused you to react in such an extreme way? Ignoring him for a full day as punishment because he wasn’t responding to your repeated texts when he was out, isn’t acceptable behaviour?

Is this unusual behaviour for you?

Lynora · 01/03/2021 08:46

A quick text to tell you he was going now wouldn't have hurt but he probably knew you would be unhappy about him going early so that's why he felt the need to just go.

Cheeseandlobster · 01/03/2021 08:47

It sounds like he stayed out because he knew you were already annoyed. That would have annoyed me because he would probably have been useless the next day. But you cant expect him to wait around and check in with you before he goes out - thats bonkers.

Bluntness100 · 01/03/2021 08:47

I would feel ignored. I would feel abandoned. I would feel trapped at home

Gosh, that’s quite disturbing, you feel like that when your partner goes on a night out and you’re left alone?

JungOwlWan · 01/03/2021 08:48

ps you told him you wanted him to come home and he chose to stay out longer. That is hurtful. You wouldn't be unreasonable to feel ignored and unimportant when you're heavily pregnant. IF that's how you feel, vulnerable and ignored, tell him that.

Because that is reasonable. If you pull silent treatments he will obviously feel like the reasonable one in the long run.

Unanananana · 01/03/2021 08:49

Sounds like six of one and half a dozen of the other. Is this a regular occurence? If so, then the advice would be different.

As it stands, he should maybe have walked the dog. He probably could have told you what time he was going out but he is an adult. He doesn't need your permission and you cannot give him a curfew.

Sounds like crossed wires, and I would be careful of coming across as controlling if I were you. The silent treatment by both of you is beyond pathetic. You are about to become parents. Time to grow up!

TimetohittheroadJack · 01/03/2021 08:49

Once you have a few drinks, especially if you've not seen friends for ages, time seems to rush by! Staying out till 3am with friends and being a bit rough the next day isn't exactly crime if the century.

HerMammy · 01/03/2021 08:50

You sound like a prison warden! He said he was going out but you expect a detailed timeline of his movements??
Think you need to calm down a bit, you’re being daft & stop the pathetic silent shit.

VerityWibbleWobble · 01/03/2021 08:52

If I was your significant other then I'd be considering my options after this, you actually kept texting him with childish messages?

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