Am I crazy?

[Pegkelly]

Hi everyone! I had a huge row with my husband on Saturday night and am now wondering if I over reacted or am I justified in being so annoyed? I’m 35 weeks pregnant. My husband asked if I minded he went to his buddy’s house for a few beers on Saturday night. Of course I don’t mind, in my current state I’m in bed by 8.30 most nights! I worked in my studio (away from our home) Saturday afternoon. I had specifically asked him what time he was leaving at- he just said “tonight”. When I arrived home at 5.30pm he was already gone. I text him immediately and asked was he actually gone for beers already. He replied and said he was. I wrote back that I was surprised it was so early and he hadn’t let me know. I said the normal thing to do would be to call me, ask when I was home, were we having dinner together, and that he would walk the dog (who was with me) or basically was there anything I needed before he left. He said back he didn’t know what time I’d be home so just left, what’s the big deal. He also said he intended to be home early. I responded by saying I was annoyed and felt that was a bit sneaky, running out before I could say a word. He didn’t reply. I went to bed as normal and woke up at 12.30am, he still wasn’t home. I text and said “I thought u intended to be home early- 7 hours of beer seems like a lot to me”. He read the message and ignored it. I woke again at 1.30am, still not home, so I text saying “8 hours later and your still not home, not cool”, he didn’t reply. He eventually came home at 3am and was obviously afraid to see me so stayed downstairs on the sofa. I was so mad. On Sunday I got up and decided to ignore him as he had chosen to ignore me the night before. He asked to talk at 2pm and I completely ignored him. Childish I know but I hardly trust myself to speak or I would have been so mad. I didn’t speak to him for the whole day. I feel like I’m doing so well in my pregnancy, I don’t complain, I do as much as I can but I still need support. Running out the door before I could know about it and staying out until 3am seems really unsupportive and inconsiderate to me- am I being unreasonable? Or crazy? Thank you in advance for your opinion :)

If you wanted him to walk the dog etc before he went out you should said that, you can’t expect him to be a mind reader.

It’s annoying he said he’d be early back and came home late but it’s not the end of the world, he’s a grown man not a teenager with a curfew.

Yeah you sound very controlling. You agreed he was going out. He went out. Now because he didn't meet some criteria in your head about how he should go out correctly (don't leave before you get home, check ré dinner, time allowed to drink for) you are angry. I'm cutting you slack because you're pregnant and I was crazy when pregnant but you really do seem to be overreacting here.

@Bluntness100

I would feel ignored. I would feel abandoned. I would feel trapped at home

Gosh, that’s quite disturbing, you feel like that when your partner goes on a night out and you’re left alone?

Well, trying to put myself in the OP's shoes. She is heavily pregnant and she felt he'd snuck out and then ignored her requests to come home after 8 hours of beers.

In my own reality, my mother's coldness damaged me beyond the point where I'm capable of having a relationship with somebody loving. I was only capable of having relationships with people who were really cold and disapproving towards me. So in actual fact, yeh, if somebody I was in a 'relationship' with did this to me I'd shrug because I'd have expected no more than to be treated badly.

I recognise the damage my silent-treatment-gaslighting mother did to me though and I do not attempt to have relationships now. I bend with the wind you see, and decent healthy men are repulsed by that. So only men who aren't repulsed by me are controlling men who project their low self-esteem on to me.

I'm single. I can be on my own forever and I'd be fine.

But I understand that for the OP, heavily pregnant, it's a big deal to be ignored.

And, anyway, she should communicate how she feels, however she feels to her husband using words.

I said the normal thing to do would be to call me, ask when I was home, were we having dinner together, and that he would walk the dog (who was with me) or basically was there anything I needed before he left

Well, that’s certainly A thing that could have happened but I’m not sure that you deciding that is the one and only way that things should happen and anything else is wrong, without telling him this is what SHOULD have happened is normal!

If the dog was with you, I would probably assume you’d walk it. I would probably assume if you needed anything you’d either get it when you were out or you would ask me for it.

I think you’ve completely overreacted here and he’s pissed off.

Sorry OP, but I too think.yiu blew this totally out of proportion and there was no need for such a reaction to him having gone already.

Maybe he expected you home earlier. It sounds like you didn't inform.him in advance when you'd be home so it sounds a bit double standards to have a go at him for not telling you exactly when he was planning on going.

What's the deal with the dog walking though? Who normally does it?

I think it's a bit odd to go out without telling you, since you were expecting to cross paths. We would have probably messaged each other to say 'off out now, see you later'. Its more annoying if you had plans to eat together and normally cook together and suddenly had to cook your own dinner, we don't have that many meals for one in and it would have thrown me.

However I think I'd have texted at that stage and said 'oh I thought we were eating together' and left it at that. You realise one of the reasons he stayed out so late was because he didnt want to come home because you were disproportionately angry. It's only 3 hours you had to spend by yourself before you went to bed.

And not speaking to him for a whole day because he didnt text you what time he was going out is childish and manipulative.

Well, trying to put myself in the OP's shoes. She is heavily pregnant and she felt he'd snuck out and then ignored her requests to come home after 8 hours of beers.

He didn't snuck out. She knew he is going out, he just didn't say when exactly. Even though it would be nice to say "I am going now" it's no sneaking out.
Also.. she didn't request he came home. She sent childish messages which would make anyone stay out longer tbh.

Tip..
If you use the nagging method with teenagers they will dig their heels in also.
He is an adult. You aren't his dm. He told you he was going out. You don't get to decide the terms.

@Bluntness100

I would feel ignored. I would feel abandoned. I would feel trapped at home

Gosh, that’s quite disturbing, you feel like that when your partner goes on a night out and you’re left alone?

I think it's odd that you picked on this part of my post when if you read my whole message to the OP, it wasn't as though I was telling the op to carry on as she was. I was trying to deliver the message from a starting point of I hear you.

Did he know you wanted him to walk the dog? Why wasn’t the dog at home with him, rather than out with you, if so?

@SchrodingersImmigrant

Well, trying to put myself in the OP's shoes. She is heavily pregnant and she felt he'd snuck out and then ignored her requests to come home after 8 hours of beers.

He didn't snuck out. She knew he is going out, he just didn't say when exactly. Even though it would be nice to say "I am going now" it's no sneaking out.
Also.. she didn't request he came home. She sent childish messages which would make anyone stay out longer tbh.

Um, I am advocating that the OP clearly communicate with her husband.

Rightly or wrongly she feels how she feels and I think a good starting point for a conversation is to get that out in WORDS.

YAB a bit U

He told you he was going out, in fact he asked if you minded and you said no.

You're 34 weeks pregnant, it's highly unlikely he's going to get many opportunities to hang out with his friends much after baby is born.

I don't know why you minded so much about what time he was home. Did you have plans the next day?

Why does a woman treat a partner like this and they think it is ok?
Controlling, over bearing, Sad!
Leave the poor bugger alone
Sulking and ignoring is emotional bs
You say your doing well...partner or not we are all entitled to a life!!!
(Poor barstard)

Probably common abandonment issues
What's your family background @Pegkelly Did your father leave when you were young? Was your mother neglectful? My mother was both controlling and domineering but also emotionally neglectful so I have abandonment issues and people-pleasing issues and they're not easy to ''quell'' but it is possible. I'm not married luckily so I"ve no relationship to try and save but in your shoes I'd start looking in to attachment issues and watch a lot of alan robarge relationship clips on youtube. He is a genius and the wealth of material about relationships he has put up on line is phenomenal.

Why didn't you just ask him to walk the dog before he went out?!

@Toddlerteaplease

Why didn't you just ask him to walk the dog before he went out?!

He couldn’t as the dog was with her!

Ah, missed that bit. Op sounds like an absolute nightmare!

When he told you "tonight" you could have asked if he was eating dinner at home, would he be walking the dog etc. You didn't ask, you assumed several things. You had already said you were fine with him going out, that was the point that you add any conditions to your agreement.

He didn't sneak anywhere, he went out like he said he was going to at a time that was maybe a bit earlier than intended but maybe plans changed. Friend may have said to come round a bit earlier, who knows. I would have messaged to check if he was at friends or just out at the shops before going but that would have been it.

I would much rather if DH has been out that he sleeps downstairs when he gets home than coming in and potentially disturbing me at 3am. I'd call it considerate rather than avoiding.

"8 hours later and your still not home, not cool"

Why? Is he on a curfew?

You were completely difficult and unreasonable, he hasn't done anything wrong here.

Sorry OP - total over reaction, childish and unreasonable.

I get that you're heavily pregnant and maybe that plays a part but he told you he was going. You say the normal thing for him to do would be to text and ask about dinner the dog etc.... If those things were important to you, why didn't you ask? 'No problem, have fun. Would you mind walking the dog before you go? I'll be back at XXX - shall we eat together or will you eat there?'.....

And then the absolutely ridiculous texts overnight are unnecessary. What does it matter how late he was out? I know he said he'd be back early but sometimes you're having a good time and decide to stay. Did you tell him you'd appreciate it if he was home by midnight? Did you say in your text that you were feeling alone and could he come home? I don't blame him for staying out later and staying downstairs.

Babies in their newborn age really do add stress so if you're not communicating now and acting in this manner then you're setting yourself up for a difficult first few months

YABU - a load of fuss over nothing. How could he walk the dogs if it was with you? And why does he need to tell you the exact time he was leaving? Most people don't do that.
Sulking and silent treatment is a poor way to communicate that you're upset and is damaging to the other person, stop doing that.

You need to apologise for going off on one over nothing.

I think it’s being a good partner to just say the basics - I’ll be gone early x time. It will probably be a late one so don’t wait up etc obviously some nights can be planned to finish early but you enjoy yourself and you want to stay longer.
Perhaps he didn’t want an argument about leaving early, wanting to stay out later etc so just did them without engaging you. Do you tend to argue with him or challenge him when he goes out normally?
I think the best thing to do is to suggest next time just have basic communication, you’d like it if he let you know when he planned to leave and if it was going to be a long one. It seems you were waking up checking the clock and getting angry all night. If you knew it would be a late one - you might have been more relaxed. He said he’d be back early and that’s annoyed you.
I think you can avoid being totally controlling ( which anyone would hate) but he can still be respectful of having a partner (Esp heavily pregnant) and give basic information

I don’t think it’s a massive overreaction tbh. I think that he was disrespectful saying he would be home early and wasn’t, and chose to ignore your messages. A quick text to say he was having fun and I’ll be out a bit later would have sufficed. I get he’s seeing his friend and not out all the time but you should be his priority so for me it ynbu. I think you should have talked to him though and not given him the silent treatment, even just to tell him you were pissed off.

I’ll add I think you may be insecure about what he’s up to which is adding to angst. I understand that side. That’s your issue to resolve but he can help a bit by being sensitive and trying to reassure you by giving basic information x

@JungOwlWan

Probably common abandonment issues What's your family background *@Pegkelly* Did your father leave when you were young? Was your mother neglectful? My mother was both controlling and domineering but also emotionally neglectful so I have abandonment issues and people-pleasing issues and they're not easy to ''quell'' but it is possible. I'm not married luckily so I"ve no relationship to try and save but in your shoes I'd start looking in to attachment issues and watch a lot of alan robarge relationship clips on youtube. He is a genius and the wealth of material about relationships he has put up on line is phenomenal.

Even if the op does have abandonment issues and/or a neglectful mother, that’s no excuse for the way she reacted to her dh. Silent treatment is a form of abuse and women are told all the time not to put up with it from their dh’s. It’s the same the other way around.

Op do you not think you’re being slightly irrational? I was the same in late pregnancy and definitely made a much bigger issue of things than I needed to. He did tell you he was going out so it’s not like he left you unaware and you were worrying for his safety. You knew where he was. It’s just coming across as he went for a night out and you sent him several passive aggressive messages and made him feel bad about that. Then you gave him the silent treatment when he got back. That just isn’t on. If I was out and my dh was sending those kind of messages, and putting a damper on my evening, I would be fuming.