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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I crazy?

95 replies

Pegkelly · 01/03/2021 07:55

Hi everyone! I had a huge row with my husband on Saturday night and am now wondering if I over reacted or am I justified in being so annoyed? I’m 35 weeks pregnant. My husband asked if I minded he went to his buddy’s house for a few beers on Saturday night. Of course I don’t mind, in my current state I’m in bed by 8.30 most nights! I worked in my studio (away from our home) Saturday afternoon. I had specifically asked him what time he was leaving at- he just said “tonight”. When I arrived home at 5.30pm he was already gone. I text him immediately and asked was he actually gone for beers already. He replied and said he was. I wrote back that I was surprised it was so early and he hadn’t let me know. I said the normal thing to do would be to call me, ask when I was home, were we having dinner together, and that he would walk the dog (who was with me) or basically was there anything I needed before he left. He said back he didn’t know what time I’d be home so just left, what’s the big deal. He also said he intended to be home early. I responded by saying I was annoyed and felt that was a bit sneaky, running out before I could say a word. He didn’t reply. I went to bed as normal and woke up at 12.30am, he still wasn’t home. I text and said “I thought u intended to be home early- 7 hours of beer seems like a lot to me”. He read the message and ignored it. I woke again at 1.30am, still not home, so I text saying “8 hours later and your still not home, not cool”, he didn’t reply. He eventually came home at 3am and was obviously afraid to see me so stayed downstairs on the sofa. I was so mad. On Sunday I got up and decided to ignore him as he had chosen to ignore me the night before. He asked to talk at 2pm and I completely ignored him. Childish I know but I hardly trust myself to speak or I would have been so mad. I didn’t speak to him for the whole day. I feel like I’m doing so well in my pregnancy, I don’t complain, I do as much as I can but I still need support. Running out the door before I could know about it and staying out until 3am seems really unsupportive and inconsiderate to me- am I being unreasonable? Or crazy? Thank you in advance for your opinion :)

OP posts:

BoyTree · 01/03/2021 10:37

I can totally see how being on your own and waiting for him to come home could have led to you blowing this out of proportion in your mind - being pregnant bring sso much uncertainty, so I can understand the need to try and control the things you can, especially when you get to the 'any day now' stage.

But honestly, I think this is a case of overreacting. I'm sure that your husband wasn't planning to stay out so late, and although it would have been nice for him to let you know more details about his plans, I can see how he thought it wouldn't be an issue.

In your shoes, I would apologise for overreacting, but ask him to let you know more details about timings etc in future.

sst1234 · 01/03/2021 10:41

If this is one off, you are stroppy. If this is how you police him all the time then you are controlling. Neither are good qualities to have.

LaceyBetty · 01/03/2021 10:43

You overreacted. I would hate it if my husband treated my like this. How did it effect you at all?

LaceyBetty · 01/03/2021 10:45

To be clear, I would hate it if my husband treated my like you treated yours.

Aprilx · 01/03/2021 10:53

I think you are being ridiculous. You both knew he was going out, if my husband said he was going out, I would not be expecting him to have dinner with me first, I’d assume he would pick something up whilst he was out and I am baffled as to how he could have walked the dog when the dog was with you.

I wouldn’t be pleased about my husband staying out until 3am as that would be uncharacteristic, but I do wonder if he didn’t do that on purpose as he was hacked off with your childish behaviour about what time he went out and not running a detailed timeline past you.

Bluntness100 · 01/03/2021 11:05

Why does a woman treat a partner like this and they think it is ok?

Ans a few other women validate it too. If a woman posts and says her husband told her she needed to ask Him if she was to have dinner with him, and if he needed anything before being permitted to leave, then repeatedly texted her hourly to come home, then was so mad the next day he decided to ignore her as a punishment for spending too long with her friends and not responding to his repeated messages, she’s told it’s abuse, to ltb and tell him to fuck off.

When a woman does it, it’s a very different story, it’s “I hear you hun, your feelings are valid”

The op was not in some form of medical emergency, there seems to be no other kids to care for, she’s pregant, not ill. Repeatedly messaging him to ask when he’s coming back, and to expect him to call and ask her what his instructions were,,was he to have dinner with her, was he to walk the dog, was he allowed to leave, and that he needed to ask her if she needed anything, I assume because he then had to get it for her before being allowed out, when she herself didn’t even pay him the basic courtesy of saying when she’d be home, is not ok.

Being pregnant is not an excuse for abusive behaviour.

Tropicalparadise75 · 01/03/2021 11:28

@Bluntness100 I don’t think it’s abusive at all. I imagine it went something like this.
Op is pregnant. Yes, not ill , but after a day at work at 35 weeks would I want to walk a dog after (no). It’s just being thoughtful of him to check in with her before leaving ( hardly a huge ask) It’s what a supportive partner of a pregnant lady should do.
When she got home and he was out she got pissed off he’d not thought about her at all. She was then seething all night and clock watching - so when he stayed out later etc she became very angry. It’s just mis-communication which has turned into an argument.
If it’s a one off, I’d just suggest op communicates that she’d like to know when he thinks he’ll leave for a night out, so she can think about practicalities like dog walking, sorting dinner etc. Suggest he doesn’t give a time to be back ( and isn’t asked to) with the assumption it will be a late one.
Also, no silent treatment! This is immature. Just sit down and talk about how to do things better next time. With a baby coming, if he goes out with mates he’ll need to have this consideration too and op will need to communicate what she needs better too

User7312019 · 01/03/2021 11:28

Yabu and childish. He’s done nothing wrong at all and to give him the silent treatment for that is pathetic. And pretty pathetic to use as a communication tactic in any scenario actually, you may want to work on that before your child arrives.

BalancedIndividual · 01/03/2021 11:35

Summary...be asked if he could go out, you said yes...then got annoyed with him going out....yes, YABU

Youllbeoldertoo · 01/03/2021 11:38

@Pegkelly
Not sure how the going out before you got home was “sneaky” so yabu there but I can see how scary it would have been waking up twice with him not home, for that he’s BU

Shinyletsbebadguys · 01/03/2021 11:44

YABU and one thing that jumps out is on many threads on here where the woman goes put , the man then starts to sabotage. Sending texts etc. Its a pretty awful thing to do. If you really felt there was an issue talk about it the next day. Why did you feel the need to text him through it ?

Honestly dp would get short shrift if he pulled this silliness. I empathise with pregnancy hormones, I definitely found it made me overthink things so fair enough you asked the question. Yes YABU , an apology is needed.

If you needed him home be specific beforehand. Its not on to complain about the time he left and no it wasn't sneaky (to clarify...that smacks of him needing to have permission, he is an adult so doesn't need permission). Certainly you were quite controlling sending those texts that night.

Usagi12 · 01/03/2021 12:00

You are being a bit unreasonable but he did take the piss a bit. Put it down to a lack of communication. He should have been clearer when he was going and your plans beforehand. Once he realised it was turning into a bigger session than he thought he should have let you know. However, you were a bit OTT sending him those messages and sound like you've been passive aggressive in dealing with your upset. As a one off he's not really done anything we haven't all done at some point. You'd have kept the high ground if you'd just left him to it on the night and spoken to him about it properly today instead of getting worked up. Easier said than done I know! Sit down and speak to him, have a cup of tea and try to be nice to each other xx

Howshouldibehave · 01/03/2021 12:05

So, you said he could go out but then set lots of conditions on what he should have done first. Only they were secret conditions that you didn’t tell him. Then you were cross with him for not guessing there were secret conditions!

Poor chap.

Tropicalparadise75 · 01/03/2021 12:12

@Howshouldibehave

Poor chap.

I think I do this sometimes and have seen a lot of female friends do it too. Like with special occasions- expecting certain gifts and being upset when I don’t get them. Now I actually say what I expect. I think sometimes you want the other person to show how much they love you, by knowing to do these things and you feel annoyed you have to spell out what to do ( and feels contrived then) I have figured out though that it really makes life so much easier to not have private expectations! Much better to be upfront before things like this happen. The guy probably got pissed off thinking op told him to go out and now there’s all these issues and ruined his night out constantly texting etc So he stayed out longer as annoyed and didn’t want to go home to someone nagging him. One thing I’ve learnt is not to have an expected time back - I always break it myself when I’m having fun!

OhCaptain · 01/03/2021 12:16

Has OP disappeared?

OverweightPidgeon · 01/03/2021 12:16

He probably left early so he could be home early but when you kicked off, he decided to stay out longer as he was pissed off with you.

sunflowersandbuttercups · 01/03/2021 12:20

You've massively overreacted.

He didn't "sneak out" anywhere. You knew he was going out. I also don't think there was any need to send him a series of passive-aggressive text messages afterwards - you knew where he was, there was no need to try and guilt-trip him into coming home.

I also suspect he stayed out until 3am because he knew you were pissed off and thought he'd avoid your wrath and wait until you were asleep before coming back.

Ignoring him the next day because he didn't obey your unwritten rules is also really childish, sorry. I think you need to talk to him and apologise for your behaviour.

SchrodingersImmigrant · 01/03/2021 12:20

@OhCaptain

Has OP disappeared?

Giving us the silent treatment

BaggoMcoys · 01/03/2021 12:25

Unless there is a backstory involving him doing this on a regular basis or something, then I think yabu. He probably stayed out later because he was annoyed at your reaction to him not being home when you got in at 5.30.

I don't like the silent treatment being used as a punishment either. I've been on the recieving end of it and I think it's a horrible and immature way to treat someone.

kooked · 01/03/2021 12:27

@OhCaptain

Has OP disappeared?

They usually don't like it when they're universally and unanimously told that they're wrong.

ChancesWhatChances · 01/03/2021 12:33

You’re not his mum...

MrDarcysMa · 01/03/2021 12:39

Sorry op but I don't blame him for not wanting to come home. I think you need to try to relax a bit.

LApprentiSorcier · 01/03/2021 12:41

Sorry to be boring, but if OP is in the UK her husband shouldn't be going round to his buddy's house at all at the moment.

OhCaptain · 01/03/2021 12:48

Giving us the silent treatment

🤣🤣

dontdisturbmenow · 01/03/2021 12:49

I had specifically asked him what time he was leaving at- he just said “tonight”

Reasonable to assume that meant later than 5:30.
When I arrived home at 5.30pm he was already gone. I text him immediately and asked was he actually gone for beers already. He replied and said he was
The key part you forgot here is to mention whether YOU had let him know what time you'd be back. He might have expected you easier and thought he had time to take the dog sooner or in the opposite that you'd be back much later and therefore it didn't matter that he went earlier.

I wrote back that I was surprised it was so early and he hadn’t let me know. I said the normal thing to do would be to call me, ask when I was home, were we having dinner together, and that he would walk the dog (who was with me) or basically was there anything I needed before he left
This is where you went wrong and instead should have responded 'ok darling have a good time'

He said back he didn’t know what time I’d be home so just left
Oh wait a minute, that answers the above. So HE is supposed to call you to tell you what time he leaves but you're not expected to call to say what time you'd be back?

Then you give him a hard time, make him feel guilty and give him the silent treatment when HE approached you to make peace.

I hope you can see now what you were totally unreasonable, will apologise and both agree to communicate better in the future, especially with baby around. These kind of arguments leave much worse marks when you are also under the pressure of parenthood.

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