"It's What boys do"

[ImFree2doasiwant]

As in, rough play, wrestling, taking it a bit too far, pushing, pulling, which sometimes deteriorates into one biting, or pinching, or scratching. So long around on the floor in a "bundle " and being really bloody noisy.

These are my DC btw, and this has been said to me by friends and family, if I've mentioned how hard I find it to deal with. Because sometimes, they just don't stop.

I don't think it's unreasonable to expect them to play together or leave each other alone. I don't think it's reasonable to start this with another family members (much older) DC as soon as they walk in the house (single parent, support and childcare bubble.)

Aibu to expect to be able to leave the room without all hell breaking loose? And to expect them to behave when visiting?

Any advice on how to deal with it? They are outside a LOT and very active. 4 and 5.

I know this is aibu so I might get a pasting, but along with the aibu I really would appreciate advice.

"It's what boys do" was followed up with, it's inevitable, you wont stop it, as if I shouldn't even bother trying. I find that REALLY depressing.

I have three boys and they wrestle constantly, it is playing though. I wouldn't expect them to do it in someone else's house though.

Of course people need to set a higher bar and expect children to start to learn physical violence isn't appropriate.

Completely agree OP, I have 2 boys and strongly resist any suggestion that they are somehow incapable of behaving themselves! They can be taught, dammit. Mine struggle sometimes, yes, and I find it dreadfully frustrating, but people have stopped telling me it's a boy thing as I tend to go off on a ranty about how it will only be a boy thing if we fucking let them get away with it

I also find 'Boys in general are just as capable as girls you know' is quite effective in making people stop saying dumb things

I have two boys who fight and bicker almost all the time they are in each other's company. When they were at it yesterday, I thought to myself that I feel abused by them and their fighting. It's horrible and can suck the life and soul out of you.

Play fighting is ok (and girls do it). Just teach them it's PLAY so they mustn't really hurt each other.

As soon as someone says stop you're hurting they must stop. If anyone ends up in tears then it's not play it's fighting.

It can be a good life lesson about respect, controlling your emotions, knowing your limits, being fair to someone physically weaker, not bullying etc.

I'd suggest teaching them calm rather than telling them off for rowdy.

All the outdoor exercise is great, and I know why you are doing it, but I don't think you can successfully wear them out. They'll just get fitter!

Try introducing new things, mindfulness, relaxation, calm activities. It won't work instantly, and for goodness sake don't tell them what you are doing, but over time they will pick up the skills needed to interact calmly.

Ideas would be things that need them to quietly cooperate to achieve something- using straws and blowing to guide a cotton ball through a home made maze, pouring/building where one holds the item still for the other.

Look out for and reward all examples of that kind of behaviour. Ignore the rowdiness.

And dad steve biddulph, raising boys.

They might need a release but they are capable of learning boundaries.

Boys who get taught that they don’t have to respect boundaries become men who don’t respect boundaries.

It might be that wrestling is ok but no biting etc

Sorry, Read Steve Biddulph, Raising Boys,

Do people say that in front of them as it wont be helping at all.
Can you explain on the way to places that they need to behave or you'll be going straight home and follow through. It might also help your family back you up if they dont get to spend time with them when they're being like that. It might be making a rod for you own back for a while but it would be a clear boundary.
And maybe incorporate games and tasks where they work as a team, rather than against eachother, build that sense that they're a unit rather than two competing forces.

It’s certainly what my boys do! That’s why there are so many threads on here by women deeply depressed after finding out they are having a(nother) boy.

Play wresting is absolutely fine

and settling a few disagreements with play-fight surely is much healthier than constant bickering and whininess?

Girls should be encouraged to be more physical, not the other way round.

Not behaving in somebody else's house is not acceptable
Bullying a younger one is not acceptable either
destroying the place is not ok

but being "physical" is being encouraged in my opinion. That's why it's so important to take CHILDREN, boys or girls, to run around and exercise at least a couple of hours a day, or they go nuts.

I hate when girls are shown as meek little things when they should be able to be as physical as boys!

Two boys here (8 & 6) and we do not accept shitty, violent behaviour like that. CHILDREN are boistrous, yes, and they should be. Running around, jumping, rolling around on the sofa and the floor, friendly wrestling where giggling is involved. If they get really rambunctious, that's what the garden or a park is for. Any descent into punching, hitting, biting or foul language, particularly directed at each other? That's not acceptable from any child regardless of sex - they get separated and sent to their rooms. I'm not sure how we're supposed to raise decent men if thuggery from childhood is considered 'OK because they're boys'.

There;s a difference between

"It's what they do but you can guide them to do better. In meantime, don't stress yourself out just keep trying to improve them and they will slowly get the idea but it's not the end of world if they sometimes get physical. You can only guide not determine everything about them."

&

"It's what they do so it's ok to completely ignore it and pretend it could never matter or will sort itself out without your input."

OP only seems to be hearing the "It's what they do" comment in 2nd way. I wasn't there, I don't know what the speaker meant when they said those words to OP.

@justanotherneighinparadise

It’s certainly what my boys do! That’s why there are so many threads on here by women deeply depressed after finding out they are having a(nother) boy.

there are as many threads by women depressed about having girls, so on balance it works out well!

There's quite a lot of research on the benefits of "rough play".

But DS1 knows when to stop and not to do it to other DC/in other houses, and also I've never made it a gender thing. I may have had two little girls that loved jumping on each other instead.

Thanks for the suggestions. I'll read the book as god knows I need some help with it. I can't ignore it. Certainly not all the time.

I mentioned the outdoor time, because it's not as if they're cooped up, and they get that "release" with daily outdoor exercise. I don't mind if they wrestle and roll etc if it's outside, less chance of hurting themselves or breaking something.

I like the idea of the co operative tasks, I'll start with some of those.

Also, I think they are worse at someone else's house. My mother would have gone up the bloody wall if I (or my brother) had behaved like that.

It was definitely "It's just what they do, you can't stop it" (shrug)

Also, boisterous is fine, they certainly are. It's not that.

Do you call them out immediately OP when they do that in other houses or is this where you're getting the 'oh, they're just boys' comments? Mine just hate being told off in front of other people, so that in itself is a good deterrent. Plus I'd eject them outside, rain, hail or shine, if they were so rude as to flail about in another person's house where they might break or damage something with their carelessness - it's not just bad behaviour towards another person, in that case, it's potential property damage as well if a rogue leg was to make contact with a vase or something.

Mine are a bit older, though. With 4 and 5 you might just have to tell them you're not visiting other houses until they can show they're big enough boys to show they can behave respectfully in others' houses. A few test runs then to see if they can/can't keep it calm then follow through if they can't.

I ear I may have this yet to come as i have 2 boys, but as the youngest is still a baby they aren't quite at the wrestling stage just yet.

The advice for boys always seems to be that boys need running around until they are exhausted, but often when a person is tired they can get emotional and unruly. I agree that they need exercise (everyone does), but not this alone. My 4 yo calms down considerably when he sits down with pens and paper to draw. I get him to copy the front covers of his books and he concentrates really well. Could you try this with your boys? Get them each a big notebook they can stick their "best" work in so that they try extra hard.

I find kids that age bundle A LOT. My daughter was certainly more physical than my son at that age.

However having been working the reception class bubble this year, it is definitely more boy heavy on the bundling side.

*fear

YANBU. I have a similar issue here with my 2 boys who are 6 and 4. Lock down and not kindergarten had made it worse as there is no break from each other at all.

I have tried to handle the fights by placing boundaries and following up with consequences. Some boisterous playing is OK (chasing each other, pretending to be superheros etc) but actual fighting is not accepted. When I can see they are tipping from playing to fighting I intervene and I I have separated them for 10 minutes and we do a cool down together. It's really hard though, they are gradually getting better it just takes a lot of work. Doesn't help when others will give them a pass because they're boys though, I am one of 3 girls and we were similarly physical but the major difference was that other people did not excuse us or my mother they way they will excuse boys.

Good luck OP I am watching this thread for more advice. Giving you solidarity. When it gets a bit much I have been known to put myself in a time out and calm down before dealing with them. Please be kind to yourself, this is a phase children go through, this is them learning boundaries and where they are and how far to push them. The MN saying 'this to shall pass' has been helpful to me lol

Another thing to think of lis screen time. I have noticed with my two that if they have had too much TV or tablet (I restrict an hour a day but still) then it can make them worse so I just do a technology fast for a few days to calm them. It has helped.

there are as many threads by women depressed about having girls, so on balance it works out well!

I have never seen ANY threads about women being depressed about having a girl 😮