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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU starting to dread the end of lockdown and the beginning of tense in-law visits and family gatherings?

114 replies

Catslife123 · 28/02/2021 09:32

Disclaimer - I have hated lockdown. I’m desperate to get back to the shops, soft play, trips to the beach, museums, library and generally existing with less anxiety about germs. I do not want lockdown to continue and recognise that it’s caused horrible damage to so many people and their livelihoods.

BUT I am starting to dread seeing the in-laws again and driving 4 hours across the country, staying in Premier Inns and spending too much money to attend those really ‘fun’ family gatherings for a distant cousins 30th birthday. I’m dreading seeing the in-laws and having no excuse to keep some physical distance when I find them completely overbearing and intense. I’m dreading saying goodbye to them and at the same time making plans for the next visit. The pressure to go on holidays abroad with them, pressure for overnights stays at their house which is a very long drive away and pressure to include BIL (who makes MIL behave 10x worse). I sound horrible, I know, because they’re just people who have also found lockdown hard and they’ll be so excited about seeing their GC again. But I can’t fight the feeling of dread. Anyone else willing to admit to being evil and that they’re going to miss that tiny sliver of lockdown when it goes?

OP posts:
Lotsachocolateplease · 28/02/2021 09:35

No I can genuinely understand what you mean. This time has given us clarity to our lives, what we’d like to continue and what is important to us.

JackieWeaverFever · 28/02/2021 09:41

Yanbu.

We have to endure stay at Mils- I wish we could stay in an holiday inn when we go but that would be rude. (Her behaviour like purposefully replacing the bed in DHs with a small double and serving out of date food is not rude apparently)
I already dread the prospect of visiting when we finally have children.

Onlinedilema · 28/02/2021 09:42

Stop going. Why drive that far, seriously? Let your oh go alone.

Snowymcsnowsony · 28/02/2021 09:44

You need some big girls pants... No relatives would be allowed to incvade my life and make me miserable... Dh can go. You need a ddog /dcat /dfish /dstickinsect op. Much less able to stay away then.

PaleFox · 28/02/2021 09:48

Definitely no need to go on holiday with them OP! Ignore the pressure on that one. I hardly know anyone who goes on holiday with their in-laws. Visits, yes, you have to bite the bullet really. How often do you go (in non covid times)? I think once every two or three months would be a reasonable amount?

Ikora · 28/02/2021 10:05

My friend has a DH who insists on holidays with his parents and it sounds awful.

How often do you actually see them? My MIL is 3 hours away and we tend to see her 3 times a year with two of those visits up to us and one down to her. As she has retired it was easier this way with travelling time.

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 28/02/2021 10:11

Why were you doing all that shit before lockdown? And why are you going back to it? Use the remaining lockdown time to set some new boundaries. Your DH can spend weekends and holidays with his family if that's what he enjoys and he can take the children with him. Don't join him. A duty visit once a year from you is plenty. Life's too short.

Reedwarbler · 28/02/2021 10:22

Why has it taken a pandemic and a lockdown to get you to the place you want to be? Can't you see this is a bit extreme! You really need to learn to stand up for yourself. If you drop straight back into how things used to be, nothing will ever change. If you continue to be a people pleaser, you will get walked all over anew. Stop saying yes, say no and mean it. Start today. Believe me, once you have got into the habit it becomes easier. Do what you want to do, not what other people want you to do.

PyjamaFan · 28/02/2021 10:27

I feel the same about my mother. She puts on a hurt little voice to tell me that she never sees me, never gets invited to my house etc. None of this is true btw. Lockdown has given me a breather from it all.

B33Fr33 · 28/02/2021 10:33

Don't go to things you don't want to!

Bluntasduck · 28/02/2021 10:36

You could grow a backbone

thecatsthecats · 28/02/2021 10:39

I get it.

DH has always vaguely suggested that we host the extended family get together. But it's not about us. His mum likes to have us there, but really the gatherings are about his mum hanging out with her very close cousins, none of whom can remember our jobs even inbetween the quarterly visits.

(I think MIL will be in for a rude awakening when she realises that on Mother's Day in future, my husband and I won't want the day to still revolve around HER cousins get together.)

I don't think it has to be all or nothing, though. Just go sometimes and not others, as it suits you. (Does anyone else do this? My husband frets if he misses one, but the attendance of the kids generation is very patchy. And I have no qualms about skipping them Grin)

OhCobblers · 28/02/2021 10:40

I just wouldn't do this. I definitely would not ever go on holiday with in laws or my family.
DH mentioned a holiday once with his mother (who I get on with) under the guise of her babysitting but I said absolutely not and we would pay for a babysitter instead.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 28/02/2021 10:42

Just don't do it.

MrBullinaChinaShop · 28/02/2021 10:42

Bloody hell why did you do all that crap before? You need boundaries.
My in laws are abroad and I miss them dearly. It’s been over a year now and I can’t wait to see them. But if I disliked them I wouldn’t allow myself to be forced into situations that make me miserable.
Just say no.

Chicchicchicchiclana · 28/02/2021 10:46

How often do you do these visits op? I would say maybe 3 or 4 times a year is reasonable? This is your partner's family and presumably he loves them.

AnyFucker · 28/02/2021 10:48

You could grow a backbone

Somebody who can type this must have had no experience of toxic families

Op, I hear you. I am low contact with my parents in normal times for very good reasons. The only saving grace of the lockdowns are that they have spared me even the few occasions that test my mental health badly.

mammmamia · 28/02/2021 10:50

I get it. I love my extended family and in laws and believe me massive very intense families on both sides. But before lockdown we were just doing way too much. Our weekends were always packed with this kind of stuff plus the DC activities which are also crazy busy. We also had a pretty big social life so seeing friends a lot etc.
DH and I have intense and senior level jobs in the city and I’d get to Monday morning and feel like I needed a day to recover from the weekend.
I can’t go back to that and will be prioritising like mad in the future and just doing stuff I want to do. I’m a total people pleaser though so I’m sure I’ll be back to my old ways soon enough but my intentions are to tone it down a bit.

girlywhirly · 28/02/2021 10:50

Does DH want to visit or go on holiday with his parents? It’s a lot easier to come up with plans if he isn’t fussed. Would he be happy to go alone or with the DC?

TBH, you can say that regarding abroad holidays this year you won’t be going. If you want to holiday abroad as a nuclear family next year, make plans and just say honestly to PIL that it’s what you want and it’s organised. ‘We want a holiday just us”.

Bluntasduck · 28/02/2021 10:53

Somebody who can type this must have had no experience of toxic families

My family are extremely toxic. I've been NC for fourteen years

gnushoes · 28/02/2021 10:56

What is the thing you dislike about the gatherings? How often are they? If it's every month, cut them down. If it's twice a year and you just don't like big groups that's a bit different.

thebakeoffwasntasgoodthisyear · 28/02/2021 10:56

Yes, I’m the same. Luckily for me I have a job that allows me to book random weekend shifts, eg 4 hours on a Sunday afternoon. It doesn’t affect my weekend that much and gives me plenty of time with DC, but is great as it gets me out of unwanted family occasions, christenings, trips to in-laws etc Grin. Because I do variable shift work, nobody ever questions when I say I can’t attend due to work.

EL8888 · 28/02/2021 10:56

YANBU. Personally l am planning doing things differently when lockdown ends and try to be less of a people pleaser. I think you should do the same, life is too short

TheABC · 28/02/2021 10:58

Decide your boundaries with DH before this starts up again. For a start, you don't have to do all the travelling; let them come to you for a change. When you do go, try to make it a bit more pleasant for yourself; check out Airbnb and the caravan parks if you have young kids, so you are not stuck in a single hotel room for the night. Finally, agree how often you want to visit.

I have long distant relatives and I do sympathize.

SpringisSpinning · 28/02/2021 10:59

Op be busy. You don't have to go anywhere, they want you to go, you don't want too. End of.
Life is too too short to spend endlessly endlssy bending to the whims of other people!!

If your dh really wants to go let him go, alone.
Take dc one or two times and do your own thing.

Lock down has made you broaden your horizons and you realise there are other things to do..

Op it's been a thick platinum lining for us. We are very very low contact with in laws anyway but this has been glorious for us.

People often say on mumsnet.. Why should any in law, the dil or Mil expect to anything more than basically polite to each other. This is true but then people who are on nothing more than shallow basically polite term's should not.. Be expected to spend this much time together.

Op.. Don't dread anything.. Start to shore up your.. That's not working for me Strategy.