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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU starting to dread the end of lockdown and the beginning of tense in-law visits and family gatherings?

114 replies

Catslife123 · 28/02/2021 09:32

Disclaimer - I have hated lockdown. I’m desperate to get back to the shops, soft play, trips to the beach, museums, library and generally existing with less anxiety about germs. I do not want lockdown to continue and recognise that it’s caused horrible damage to so many people and their livelihoods.

BUT I am starting to dread seeing the in-laws again and driving 4 hours across the country, staying in Premier Inns and spending too much money to attend those really ‘fun’ family gatherings for a distant cousins 30th birthday. I’m dreading seeing the in-laws and having no excuse to keep some physical distance when I find them completely overbearing and intense. I’m dreading saying goodbye to them and at the same time making plans for the next visit. The pressure to go on holidays abroad with them, pressure for overnights stays at their house which is a very long drive away and pressure to include BIL (who makes MIL behave 10x worse). I sound horrible, I know, because they’re just people who have also found lockdown hard and they’ll be so excited about seeing their GC again. But I can’t fight the feeling of dread. Anyone else willing to admit to being evil and that they’re going to miss that tiny sliver of lockdown when it goes?

OP posts:
LindaEllen · 28/02/2021 11:01

I'm having similar feelings at the moment. We live quite near my parents (though they are separated, but we still do family things together) but they seem to like guilt-tripping me into meeting far more often than I'd like. So, they'll invite us for a meal on the Saturday and then for a brew on a Sunday afternoon. I love my parents, but sometimes I don't want to spend both weekend days with them. I just want to be able to chill with DP as we don't see each other properly all week thanks to work! But honestly, my mum can sulk for England.

Having all the pressure taken away thanks to meetups being illegal (and she's concerned about covid so hasn't been pressuring us into rule breaking) has been, in some respects, absolute bliss.

Velvian · 28/02/2021 11:03

Yanbu and I'm sure my DH feels like that about my family.

We have both really valued having the weekends to spend with our DC and relax together.

Crazycatlady83 · 28/02/2021 11:05

I completely agree OP - in fact I couldn’t sleep last night worrying about it! I try very hard to be strong, have gone LC prior to the pandemic but I think because we have only seen them twice since Christmas 2019, they will want to see us more.

I am also pregnant with no2 and they were horrible to me when my DS was born. Time has dulled the memory! Couple this with the fact both PIL have had the vaccine (as will by DH today - hooray!), they think SD just isn’t needed anymore. Regardless of the risks to me and unborn baby as I go into the third trimester! I’ve had loads of conversations with DH but he just isn’t strong enough to confront them so it’s left to me. This has been a horrible pregnancy and I just don’t have the energy anymore!

So you have my absolute deepest sympathy!

(And I really really want life to go back to normal - apart from seeing them, that sucks Grin)

stormy11 · 28/02/2021 11:06

Yep absolutely dreading it!

OloBo · 28/02/2021 11:17

Yup

SpringisSpinning · 28/02/2021 11:19

Crazy, don't confront them, just swerve and avoid them!!
Be honest.. After last time at blah birth.. We think it's better to avoid that this time or.. Just say not well...

Keep batting off and remember... No one has to answer the phone or respond to emails.

We don't. We choose not to let them in.

yoyo1234 · 28/02/2021 11:22

Yep, likewise dreading it due to increase in pressure for family engagements. Obviously I am so pleased the vaccines are being given, that cases in most areas in UK are decreasing and that hopefully some businesses will be able to reopen and jobs saved and schools reopen.

AnyFucker · 28/02/2021 11:43

My family are extremely toxic. I've been NC for fourteen years

Then you should understand how simply ordering some to get a backbone is not at all helpful. Perhaps you could share how you got to that point ? Although actually, it doesn’t sound like op wants to go nc, just that she is dreading seeing them at the same level as before. Managing other people’s expectations is a very difficult thing to do, harder than simply going nc is, IMO

billy1966 · 28/02/2021 12:01

Unfortunately the only way to manage these situations is to have personal boundaries and not accept being bullied.

It can be done.

First establish what if any visits you are prepared to do.

Then communicate that to your partner.
Be clear and firm that this is what will work for you.

Refuse to be guilted.

I would rather separate than live my life surrounded by toxic people and I mean that.

If you are with someone so weak that he can't understand you do not wish to spend a disproportionate amount of time with people you do not like, what is the point?

TheFootIsDoooooown · 28/02/2021 12:04

I totally understand and I think this last year has given me time to evaluate what and who is really important to me. It's hard when is family but there are some things you need to promise yourself you will start saying no to. You don't have to go on holiday with them. You can say no. You can tell them that you've decided to prioritise spending money on different things.

Original poster
Catslife123 · 28/02/2021 13:29

I have a small baby so unfortunately just packing DH off to see them with the kids isn’t an option. And they would be so wounded if he went without the children, so I guess for now I’m an unfortunate accessory to their contact with GC!

I’d love to just grow a backbone (thanks for the suggestions), but it isn’t just about me. I’ve found that lockdown has made the guilt bigger with DH, and he seems to have forgotten how tense it can be with them. He’s instead dropping hints that we’ll be seeing more of them/trying for a fresh start/seeing them equally with my family. The thought of it makes my stomach twist! I don’t think they’re evil people, they’re just extremely different to me and they made the mistake of upsetting me several times in a hormonal postpartum state, and I’m struggling to forget it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Catslife123 · 28/02/2021 13:32

They’d like to see us monthly (4.5 hour drive). Pre lockdown we’d managed to delay it to every 2-3 months but that was with DH feeling very guilty about refusing them to visit sooner etc.

OP posts:
Dogsaresomucheasier · 28/02/2021 13:34

Yep, dreading it!

Lubiluxe · 28/02/2021 13:39

Would you feel the same if this was your family?

saraclara · 28/02/2021 13:41

He’s instead dropping hints that we’ll be...seeing them equally with my family

Why shouldn't you? Why is his family less than yours? Why is his need to see them less important than your need to see yours?

You say yourself that they're not evil people. The fact that they're different from you doesn't mean that they should see less of their son and grandchildren than your parents do of you.

Imagine if your DH said you should see less of your family than his, because their personalities are different from his.

Original poster
Catslife123 · 28/02/2021 13:59

I’d feel exactly the same if my family made me feel that way. As I said, DH felt exactly the same about seeing them pre lockdown but it seems he’s now feeling bad. I’ve certainly never discouraged him from seeing them independently. We see my mum every six weeks(ish) and I wouldn’t reduce that because I have a DH who doesn’t have an easy relationship with his mum and contact with her often ends in arguments or tension. They’re completely separate relationships and how often we see people depends on the quality of the relationship, not a fairness or point based system.

OP posts:
SplendidSuns1000 · 28/02/2021 14:05

I've found this time useful to set boundaries. As soon as bubbles were invented we had family from all over asking to bubble with us so they could come and stay with us (family live in city, we live in deep countryside). Before we've been too lenient but now we've been firm and outlined what's okay and what isn't. Hopefully I've got the balls to keep it up when family start asking for gatherings/ plan parties at our home without us knowing.

Any long travelling we do for any distant cousin parties we're going to make into a getaway so we can have a holiday around the party. That way we can set boundaries of how long we'll stay and where we're staying.

Snowymcsnowsony · 28/02/2021 14:13

Send them the link to air B&B and they can travel to your area.

Chicchicchicchiclana · 28/02/2021 14:18

I do hope some of you with in laws that you refuse to see don't become the in laws who are not visited or not included in the future.

Most families don't love each other without question. Most have limits on how much time then can spend with each other. I couldn't spend more than an hour in my father's company without him winding me up but he loved me sort of and absolutely loved the bones of my children so maybe 3 times a year we would spend a day with them.

More often than not there is a sense of duty in seeing parents and in laws when we have busy lives but, within reason, I think there's anything wrong with the younger generation putting themselves out every now and then to make the GPs happy.

RampantIvy · 28/02/2021 14:26

Why were you doing all that shit before lockdown? And why are you going back to it? Use the remaining lockdown time to set some new boundaries

I agree with this ^^
I refuse to let any family members - mine and DH's guilt trip us into visiting. Fortunately DH is on the same page as me.

You say that they aren't awful, but not your type. Could it be something as simple as you being very introverted and them being extroverts?

Why can't your DH leave you at home with the baby and go on his own or with the ther chidren? (I didn't see how many children you have)

Once a month is too much for that length of drive IMO.

Lubiluxe · 28/02/2021 14:29

I do hope some of you with in laws that you refuse to see don't become the in laws who are not visited or not included in the future
This ^

I feel so lucky that my sister in law and brother include us equally in their babies life as they do with her family. The baby is 50% each side, right?!

RampantIvy · 28/02/2021 14:42

I do hope some of you with in laws that you refuse to see don't become the in laws who are not visited or not included in the future

Good point. I often wonder how awful the MIL really is and how awful maybe the DIL is.

I was extremely lucky and had a fantastic MIL. Sadly she is no longer with us. She was a very different person from me, but we shared the same values, and often used to agree to disagree on various points. I think we both got on because we were both prepared to meet halfway.

girlywhirly · 28/02/2021 15:27

I think if you are the ones expected to do the 4.5 hrs travelling every time with the baby, every month isn’t exactly fair on you and DH. If contact with MIL causes arguments and tension, maybe it really shouldn’t be that frequent. Why doesn’t MIL come to you to see the DGC?

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 28/02/2021 17:32

I do hope some of you with in laws that you refuse to see don't become the in laws who are not visited or not included in the future

Her husband can do the visiting and including of his own family since he enjoys it. She doesn't enjoy their company and there is no reason to make her own life a misery, nor for to expect her future daughter/son-in-laws to make themselves miserable when her own children will be perfectly capable of visiting her.

Laiste · 28/02/2021 18:13

Me too OP. MIL is gagging to ''see everyone together'' and wildly excited to do one of her manic gatherings. Shes hinting at dates already. It's not that she hasn't seen any of her family - just not all at once!

I hate these mass gatherings they are noisy hot chaotic knackering and are a whole day thing as we have to leave the house at the crack of dawn to be there by late morning and leave at 4ish to get DD home to bed. We spend longer on the road than at the gathering and never see her anyway 'cos she wont come out of the bloody kitchen churning out more and more oven chips that no one wants!!!!!!!

and breathe.
there.
i've said it!
thank you OP and good luck.