AIBU starting to dread the end of lockdown and the beginning of tense in-law visits and family gatherings?

[Catslife123]

Disclaimer - I have hated lockdown. I’m desperate to get back to the shops, soft play, trips to the beach, museums, library and generally existing with less anxiety about germs. I do not want lockdown to continue and recognise that it’s caused horrible damage to so many people and their livelihoods.

BUT I am starting to dread seeing the in-laws again and driving 4 hours across the country, staying in Premier Inns and spending too much money to attend those really ‘fun’ family gatherings for a distant cousins 30th birthday. I’m dreading seeing the in-laws and having no excuse to keep some physical distance when I find them completely overbearing and intense. I’m dreading saying goodbye to them and at the same time making plans for the next visit. The pressure to go on holidays abroad with them, pressure for overnights stays at their house which is a very long drive away and pressure to include BIL (who makes MIL behave 10x worse). I sound horrible, I know, because they’re just people who have also found lockdown hard and they’ll be so excited about seeing their GC again. But I can’t fight the feeling of dread. Anyone else willing to admit to being evil and that they’re going to miss that tiny sliver of lockdown when it goes?

As many other posters have pointed out, one of the (few) good things about the pandemic is that it has brought clarity into many lives and a realization that they were not happy with the way things were. You really do need to get your "big girl pants" on and explain to them what you have explained to us. The gatherings are too expensive, too stressful and you dont want to participate. You want to concentrate your time, money and energy upon your own close family.

Back in the 1970s I began to withdraw from the horrendous Christmas family gatherings. I stopped buying presents apart from very small token gifts for my immediate family. So far as they were concerned my professional life got more and more busy and I had less and less time for extras. It takes time to pull back. You have been given an excellent excuse over the past year to change things. Dont waste it.

OP life is to short to keep doing things you don’t like. Just say no more often. Travel works both ways.

I'm in Australia and although there's no covid here at the moment, it's complete taboo to go anywhere with even the slightest sniffle. So even when everyone is vaccinated, I think you'll be able to pretend to have a cold to get out of most things.

Me too, me too. And I love my in laws ! They are vaccinated and already planning so much and I feel I need a slower start to normal.

Also there are few people in the family who haven't been behaving very responsibly during the past year - I know, shouldn't judge and not my business etc but can't help seeing them in a different light. And I don't really miss them at all.

Can't your DH drive? Why on earth are you going if you don't want to?
Whatever excuse you tell yourself (DC have a better time if you're there, they will think you are standoffish, blah blah..) you can be darn sure he'd manage visits to them if you split up.
Stop the martyr behaviour and only go to things you actually want to.

You shouldn't have had a child together if you are both so scared of yere own shadows.

WTF?

OP I’m feeling the same about my sister, who is a 20m drive away. She can be very passive aggressive and domineering and friends and family tend to tiptoe around her to avoid conflict. She has a ‘big’ personality and revels in a “I tell it as I see it” bluntness.

She is also funny and generous when she’s in a good mood, but if you do something to annoy her she won’t tell you what it is, she’ll just not speak to you for weeks, she does this to siblings, friends, her DH and her children.

During lockdown I have felt relief that we haven’t had to meet up. I was in a bubble with her, but I annoyed her just before Christmas and she told me she didn’t want to see me until “COVID has finished” (she was excited about dying my hair and on the day I couldn’t find my hair dye so called her to cancel. Apparently I ruined her day). This meant I spent Christmas on my own at the last minute.

Now we’re having our jabs she’s counting down the days until she can get “the girls” together for a meal. I’m not interested, I’m going VLC.

I know it will be difficult and at some point she will question me about my lack of availability/ interest in doing things with her. She might use my DN’s to guilt trip me but I’m determined to only spend time with people who are positive and friendly and just ‘easy’ to be with

I came from a very small, very quiet family. I married into a huge one, and my FIL was the most hospitable man who loved to fill his house with people. Most days when we stayed with them, I'd need breaks and would take myself off to our bedroom to read for a little while. Initially he was a bit bemused, but he understood in the end.

Yes but he didn't entertain himself by making you listen to offensive psychological generalisations about your children. That's not just a character difference, that's rude.

OP, does MIL have any friends, and does she talk about them in the same way? If so, I wonder how many of them might have relished the break from her during lockdown!

I’m wondering if she might have a mental health problem, to be so overly interested in psychoanalysing everyone and judging them suggests she is very insecure in herself so being critical of others makes her feel better, or she is into personality disorder territory. It is very unusual for an individual to not be able to find any conversation at all, or have no interests or hobbies. If she was like this before lockdown I imagine she will be worse when you do see her again.

Where is FIL in all this, does he just keep his head down and mouth shut for a quiet life, has he ever called her out on her behaviour when she is being blatantly rude about or to people? Or is it the case that no-one ever has?

Have you ever attempted to de-rail one of MIL’s intense rambles? You could always say something like ‘You are entitled to your opinion of course, but I don’t agree with it’ and change the subject to something else, fairly neutral.

@TomorrowIsAnotherDae I don’t know how to quote on here! But pre lockdown we had reduced contact with them because we agreed spending time with them wasn’t good for our relationship (we became tense in the lead up to seeing them and would bicker) and we realised that we were ‘giving’ these special occasions (birthdays, Christmas, summer holidays) to people who only brought negativity and upset to our door. We got to that point without lockdown, but it seems lockdown has erased some of my DHs memory. I think it’s a good principle to have, especially where children are involved, and that’s why I’m unashamedly unequal in how often my children see each set of GPs.
@AmaryllisNightAndDay I say personality clash because there’s lots of things going on and I don’t really know what else to name it. She’s just quite an odd person. A different culture and a high degree of emotional immaturity, so I feel as though I’m almost treading on eggshells if it’s just cultural differences or that she’s quite childlike. I feel like calling it personality differences is the most fair, but of course it may have made it look on here as though I don’t like seeing her because she’s a bubbly character with lots of friends. Which is absolutely not the case.

I feel for you OP that sounds like hell

Once a month is insane when it's an 8 hour round trip.

Can they not come and stay in a hotel near you instead??

I'll be making some changes off the back of lockdown, for sure.

I've been genuinely happier at home and won't be corralled into shite social engagements I don't want to attend any more. I've always just gone along with everything because it was 'the done thing' but actually, my happiness is important too and there's nothing wrong with being a homebody.

So, no more shit bbqs, excruciating bands down the local or extended family parties for cousins I haven't seen or heard from in a decade for me & it feels goooooooodddd!!!!!

You know what? I would dread seeing someone who repeatedly psychoanalysed me and those around me. Is it possible to say that you hate it? Something along the lines of that you feel like you're being psychoanalysed and it feels a bit weird. Unless this would result in more psychoanalysis on why you feel like that.

A 4+ hour journey is too long to do monthly. Realistically as your children get older, they will have their own things lined up and won't want to miss therm. Parties, gymnastics, swimming.

You are going to have to see your in laws sometimes. Would they come down to stay with you? (Sorry if you've already responded on this). A weekend with lots of people, including your inlaws, might be easier than one where it's only you and them.

You've mentioned that you see your family more often. Does your husband feel the way that you do about seeing your family? It may be that they are more easygoing or that they are closer and can be seen for an hour so it's less of a mission.

I really haven’t missed FIL just turning up unexpectedly early on a Sunday morning after he’s been to a car boot!

@TomorrowIsAnotherDae

OP I’m feeling the same about my sister, who is a 20m drive away. She can be very passive aggressive and domineering and friends and family tend to tiptoe around her to avoid conflict. She has a ‘big’ personality and revels in a “I tell it as I see it” bluntness.

She is also funny and generous when she’s in a good mood, but if you do something to annoy her she won’t tell you what it is, she’ll just not speak to you for weeks, she does this to siblings, friends, her DH and her children.

During lockdown I have felt relief that we haven’t had to meet up. I was in a bubble with her, but I annoyed her just before Christmas and she told me she didn’t want to see me until “COVID has finished” (she was excited about dying my hair and on the day I couldn’t find my hair dye so called her to cancel. Apparently I ruined her day). This meant I spent Christmas on my own at the last minute.

Now we’re having our jabs she’s counting down the days until she can get “the girls” together for a meal. I’m not interested, I’m going VLC.

I know it will be difficult and at some point she will question me about my lack of availability/ interest in doing things with her. She might use my DN’s to guilt trip me but I’m determined to only spend time with people who are positive and friendly and just ‘easy’ to be with

That is so dreadful.

I think you are very wise.

Covid has definitely been an eye opener to who you really miss seeing and spending time with.

OP, have you considered couples counselling about this issue, because neither of you are getting anywhere near resolving it. It’s like DH is hoping that things will be somehow better after this long spell of lockdowns, in spite of the upset and tension going to visit causes. You will be back to square one. At least you will learn some coping strategies, find how to be more assertive at shutting down the one topic of conversation MIL seems to have. You need to seriously consider how the tension and upset will affect your DC too, they will pick up on more than you imagine.

We only see in laws twice a year. Those are the rules. Maybe time to make some OP.

Ten years of holidays with the inlaws. Eventually we stopped after the holiday when dh was so unwell he stayed in his room for 4 days until I got a clue and we went home. He couldn't imagine saying no to his parents and neither could his sister and it made them both ill.

If I'm honest I'm kind of glad we did some of it. They did have a lovely relationship with ds. I just wish it hadn't been so intense and that we'd managed more times where we said what we felt able to do rather than agreeing to all of it.

Have to say the Premier Inn is a win though.

These poor dc may be related 50 /50 between 2 families but ridiculous adults insisting their lives /time be shared 50/50 is madness!!

@lioncitygirl

We only see in laws twice a year. Those are the rules. Maybe time to make some OP.

Whose rules? And why?

Sara Clara, what I'm taking from your posts is, that you don't understand the issue here.

Where is the love in locking op into "psycho analysis" for hours and judging her family dynamic??

I'm hoping my dc will want to be around me without me having to beg.. I hope they can have keys and feel this is always their home.. Help themselves in the fridge..

Sara, if your dd a are "lucky enough" to have lovely in laws they are blessed indeed

Some of us have been driven to nealry leaving our spouses because of in law hell and as op has hinted, some of their unpleasant thoughts came out around the birth of her child.

I don't suppose you,would appreciate your daughter being abused and upset after giving birth?

I can't wait til this is over. I've not met my nephew. He's now 5 months and I've had to watch him changing by video and photos.

I'll be on a plane the day it's allowed.

YANBU. My MIL is an absolute bitch. I haven’t seen her for over a year and it’s been the best year of my life. Dreading having to be polite to her again.

Sorry I’m taking so long to get back to people who have been so considerate with their replies. @girlywhirly couples counselling is probably where we are headed, though I imagine it might just be one visit we need with his parents to jog DHs memory of why we reduced visits down pre lockdown. There’s also the very real possibility that they will have reflected a little and calmed down, and being with them might actually be easier.

She doesn’t have many friends and certainly no english friends. She finds English people cold and so DH was alienated from his father’s (English) side of the family growing up and she always removes herself from their gatherings. FIL tends to start a conversation with DH when her long rants or questioning begins, but if he did sit in on it then I think he would argue that understanding people and their hurts/fears is her passion and so she’s just interested. I’ve since told myself that I need to remove myself when one of these rants begins, something that’s taken me a long time to learn.

I’m not responding to the people who think there is unfairness in this. They must be very privileged and never have had the absolute turmoil of these relationships. It has very nearly split me and my DH up several times and there’s been lots of tears and heartache from both of us because of this problem.