AIBU starting to dread the end of lockdown and the beginning of tense in-law visits and family gatherings?

[Catslife123]

Disclaimer - I have hated lockdown. I’m desperate to get back to the shops, soft play, trips to the beach, museums, library and generally existing with less anxiety about germs. I do not want lockdown to continue and recognise that it’s caused horrible damage to so many people and their livelihoods.

BUT I am starting to dread seeing the in-laws again and driving 4 hours across the country, staying in Premier Inns and spending too much money to attend those really ‘fun’ family gatherings for a distant cousins 30th birthday. I’m dreading seeing the in-laws and having no excuse to keep some physical distance when I find them completely overbearing and intense. I’m dreading saying goodbye to them and at the same time making plans for the next visit. The pressure to go on holidays abroad with them, pressure for overnights stays at their house which is a very long drive away and pressure to include BIL (who makes MIL behave 10x worse). I sound horrible, I know, because they’re just people who have also found lockdown hard and they’ll be so excited about seeing their GC again. But I can’t fight the feeling of dread. Anyone else willing to admit to being evil and that they’re going to miss that tiny sliver of lockdown when it goes?

Couples counselling is very useful in getting the couples to look at their problems from different angles and perspectives. I have been through it in a previous marriage. No-one is judged, and both partners have equal say, where they are not interrupted, shouted down or the whole thing breaks into an argument.

I think that DH will find out a lot about his relationship with his parents, and that it is OK to remove himself from a toxic relationship. He has married you and you have children, you should all be his priority. So MIL alienated FIL from his family, and now it seems she has in mind to split you and her son up I fear. She may think that if you do separate, DH will visit more often with the DC, at her command, and she can dominate these stays. And she’s racist against white people, is this what your DC are going to be exposed to?

I’m sorry OP, but you need to cut right back on visiting them.

She doesn’t have many friends and certainly no english friends. She finds English people cold and so DH was alienated from his father’s (English) side of the family growing up and she always removes herself from their gatherings.

She removes herself from family gatherings and yet you feel bad about removing yourself from hers? Think about it.....

And no, from what you say this is not a cultural thing however much your MiL wants to see it as one. She has personality or communication issues and she is finding explanations outside herself for why she has them. We have people like that in my family too, though they usually tolerate and behave tolerably in family company more than she does. All that trying to classify people, English people are like this, psychoanalysing them, etc., I recognise that. It's probably because she just doesn't "get" people.

So don't take her analysying and judging personally. If you can't shut it down or avoid her then let it roll off you. It really is about her trying to make sense of relationships she doesn't get, and not really about you or your kids at all.

Amaryllis makes a good point, she chooses not to associate with certain family, you can do the same, and I think it’s a good starting point for deciding when and how long, and the itinerary of future visits. I think it would be wise to not time any visits on special occasions that could potentially be spoiled. Make sure MIL and FIL accept your terms for the visit, no arguments or it won’t go ahead. Think about not seeing MIL and FIL at their home, if you’re in accommodation anyway, choose a place where the DC can have fun and you are in public (less likelihood of bad behaviour from MIL) and you and DH will not be parted from each other or the DC. Set a time limit on the contact so that you are not stuck with them all day. MIL must agree to not go on and on about other peoples behaviour and child rearing, thus spoiling it for everyone, otherwise you DH and DC will leave.

Obviously you need to clarify what you expect from future visits to them, and if MIL goes off on one you just reply that those are the terms and they can agree or not, but if they don’t you won’t be visiting, end of.

Having read your updates it does sound difficult. I think you have had some excellent advice on here, and agree that going low contact is a good idea.

@girlywhirly where do you get the racist towards white people bit from? I just see that she has no English friends, not all English people are white

And not all non English people are not white. I did think at that comment

@RampantIvy

And not all non English people are not white. I did think at that comment

Exactly, I was just coming back to say that too. FWIW I was thinking French, but only because I have a French friend who likes to analyse everything (disclaimer - not all French people analyse others!)

I apologize if I caused any offence, I meant to type English but DH was on my case about something else and trying to rush me out of the door.

I wish you well OP, and hope you and DH find a way to deal with seeing MIL and FIL that works.

I think for the first visit send DH on his own so he gets a reminder without you have to endure it! Bonus points if he can take the DC with him and you stay home.

I am DREADING it

In all honesty I agree. This lockdown has highlighted for me how much time and effort we spend going to see DHs family and we don't get the same in return.

It's definitely not going back to how it was pre covid. We've already both agreed on that!

She’s not French but you’re on the right continent and very close.
@girlywhirly I’ve found your perspective invaluable. It’s all things I’ve wondered about before but hearing someone else follow the same thought process kind of validates it. I’m not sure if that makes sense.
Similarly, @AmaryllisNightAndDay I find what you’ve said quite comforting. I feel like such a weird person when I’m with her but your experience with someone similar provides some explanation for that feeling.
I posted this thread in a light hearted way but also with a genuine building anxiety behind it, and you’ve generally all been so lovely and useful with your suggestions. Thank you everyone.

It's been utter bliss not to have to see my MIL for such a long time.

But very early on in my marriage I had to set some ground rules and I went VLC with her. She was hugely over bearing and constantly trying to get us to spend time with her and send our kids to stay with her - even though they were far far too young for overnight stays without us and she is disabled and would be unable to care for them. Awful awful weekends where she would insist we visited but then had no bedding or food and we would have to sleep under our coats. Just crazy and making a huge fuss about spending time with our children for the sake of it.

In the end I went VLC and DH calls for her 10 mins once a week. She visits every two months for half a day and that's it. When she is here I don't really talk to her - I say hello but then make myself busy in the kitchen or with the kids. We very rarely visit her and when we do we stay in a cottage nearby and take all our own food so we have space to ourselves and can cater for ourselves. It feels so much more manageable and doesn't give all her bollocks the audience that she is looking for. Took the oxygen away from it all and she calmed right down. Lost her power over us.

It can be done and I think you are right - one visit and your DH will get his memory back.