To feel weird about buying pre worn clothes

[unikitty08]

DC is starting nursery next month.

A few friends have told me how messy his clothes are going to get and not to send him in anything expensive.

I was talking to one friend about buying him a puddle suit and she recommended ebay.

She told me she buys a lot of her daughters clothes (especially for nursery) in bundles and they are “pre loved”

I was surprised about this as her daughter is always dressed in Next, Zara, Gap. Brands I would consider to be that bit more pricey.

When I was growing up, to buy second hand or use charity shops etc was a big no no.
It was viewed as though you didn’t have money or couldn’t afford nice things.

I don’t have this view of other people, particularly not now as an adult, but I do have this view of myself if I were to buy pre worn clothes.

I’ve had a look at some clothes bundles this evening and I’m shocked at some of the lovely things I could get, the puddle suit id seen for nursery, which brand new is £35, I can get pre worn worn for £5!

I don’t think I can bring myself to buy pre worn though, I feel weird about it, like I’m “hard up” or
a bit trampy.

I feel really envious now of the people that clothes shop this way, it would save me a fortune!

How can I get past my weird feelings?

[quote unikitty08]@StylishMummy

I think there's an element of insecurity for some that buying second hand is showing you're poor.

I do agree with this, but in my case I think it’s just trying to distance myself from insecurities of the area I grew up in.

I don’t buy things now to show I’m not poor, because I know I’m not.
I don’t buy flashy labels and i certainly didn’t buy a flashy travel system.

I have a mama’s & papas travel system which I got nearly half price in their sale.

I’m not precious about brands or spending a lot of money to show off.

I just have a “thing” about used clothes.[/quote]
I get how you feel, but honestly, it's fine.

When I had no money, I couldn't bring myself to shop in Aldi or Lidl even though I was trying to feed myself on sometimes as little as £5 for a week (this was about 10 years ago just before they became as popular as they are now.) it was really strange how my attitude towards budget shops changed as soon as my situation started to improve.

We have a clothes sharing circle, some of the clothes in there are on the 4th person! It has saved us a fortune, each person adds to it and some bits have obviously been ruined and chucked. When a new person gets pg, they get added into the group.

Not everything has been to everyone's taste but does it really matter for a baby?

I also bought a lot of job lots of dungarees from ebay and a couple of pram suits. DS never fit the pram suits, I was so glad I hadn't wasted lots of money on them.

@TheCatWithTheFluffyTail

Where I live it’s the wealthy who buy second hand and the poor who buy brand new.

Yup. OP, your response to the idea of buying second-hand clothes is snobbish, very working-class/lower-middle class and seems to be a hangover of a schooldays fear of ‘looking poor’. Whereas at my north Oxford NCT group, which included some very wealthy people and one ‘Honourable’’, there were individual garments I still remember, like pair of hard wearing stripy, purple red and green toddler trousers (might originally have been Frugi or Boden), that literally were worn by everyone’s child, passed along, and then passed down again to younger children when people had second babies.

It’s in my head because I was looking at old photos recently, and the trousers keep appearing on different children!

I've noticed a massive different in affluent and poorer areas though.

I used to live in a very affluent part of west London. Everyone I knew bought second hand. Everyone would talk about the bargain they found at a charity shop. The local Facebook page was chock full of parents either seeking children's clothes and baby items for cheap or just giving them away for free. You'd walk down most streets and see really lovey pushchairs/high chairs/baby baths outside a house with a "free, please take" sign on it.

I've moved to a very deprived area 200 miles north (couldn't afford London rents) and it couldn't be more different. There seems to be a real stigma about giving things away or selling for cheap.

For example, I ended up with a few unopened baby mills after we had to change, a couple of packs of nappies that were quickly grown out of. I asked SIL who I know had a few friends with babies if anyone wanted them she said it was really weird and they could afford their own stuff. MIL said it's just the attitude here, no one wants cast offs. There's nothing on the local pages about passing things on, people just don't do it.

In west London, I'd have stuck the milk and nappies in the Facebook group and someone would have collected them within the hour or swapped for a box of chocolates.

@user1936784158962

I just have a “thing” about used clothes

You know it's irrational, so break it. Buy that puddlesuit on eBay. Sit with the discomfort and watch it fade away - because it will.

Why did you feel the need to clarify you've never received any form of welfare payments? (Not even child benefit?) Do you think there's something shameful about that too?

If you don't want to pass your judgemental mindset on, challenge it and disrupt it in yourself so you can develop a different one.

@user1936784158962

That was just in response to a pp who had brought up benefits.

@ohnana

Thanks so much for posting the link to Thrift+. I'd never heard of it and I'm now in the process of donating stuff

I love second hand/vintage clothes, furniture/household items, jewellery and have had some fantastic finds over the years. I can't wait for charity shops and vintage/antique fairs to open up again!

I don't understand why people are giving the OP a hard time. We are all products of our upbringing. The OP has already said she doesn't judge other people for buying second hand, and that the reason she is reluctant to do so herself is because she experienced people being judged as 'trampy' for it when she was a child,not that she thinks people are trampy for doing it.

OP - as lots of people have said, if anything, buying secondhand is something the middle classes, and those who feel secure in their financial situation and social class, have always done. And these days it's even more positively-viewed, as it's very much the done thing to buy vintage and preloved things as an environmental act.

I was brought up by an eco warrior dad
I don’t think he’s ever bought anything new in his life
I got pregnant and had next to no money
He told me to buy everything second hand as ‘babies grow so fast they dont get use out of it and they don’t care’
Apart from shoes,dummies and underwear I’d say about 95% of their clothes and toys where from charity shops/hand me downs
Not once have they looked shabby or dirty
Nobody has known that it’s charity shop clothing unless I’ve told them
It’s a win-win
I’ve kitted them out in brands there was no way I could have afforded (my son once wanted a tee shirt that was £37+I got it for a pound-tags still on) and I’ve saved it from going to landfill
I see it as doing my bit so my great grandkids will have a planet to grow up in
We waste so much stuff that dad once explained we need 3 earths to support it-and we don’t

I buy most of my kids stuff on eBay but they never look 'trampy' I only buy if it looks in really good condition. My DS needs new 3-4 stuff, if I bought it all new it'd cost a fortune

@lazylinguist

We are all products of our upbringing. The OP has already said she doesn't judge other people for buying second hand, and that the reason she is reluctant to do so herself is because she experienced people being judged as 'trampy' for it when she was a child,not that she thinks people are trampy for doing it.

Thank you for understanding this.

@lazylinguist

I don't understand why people are giving the OP a hard time. We are all products of our upbringing. The OP has already said she doesn't judge other people for buying second hand, and that the reason she is reluctant to do so herself is because she experienced people being judged as 'trampy' for it when she was a child,not that she thinks people are trampy for doing it.

OP - as lots of people have said, if anything, buying secondhand is something the middle classes, and those who feel secure in their financial situation and social class, have always done. And these days it's even more positively-viewed, as it's very much the done thing to buy vintage and preloved things as an environmental act.

We are all products of our upbringing, but it is a choice to fight unhelpful messages and assumptions encountered in that upbringing.

(The main messages I encountered in mine was ‘Not for the likes of us’, ‘Whatever you do, don’t get above yourself,’ and ‘That’s only for rich people’ (about university). If I hadn’t combated them, I’d have had a very different, and much worse life.)

I am foreign and second hand shops are not a thing where I am from. I always buy second hand for my kids. It was a revelation.

But I don't have any preconceptions from my upbringing because it just wasn't a thing. I will say though my experience is that the more affluent and upper class the more the chances they buy second hand.

I think that most people who grew up without money are more keen to buy new but people who grew up with money haven't grown up wanting of you see what I mean.

I can imagine if I told my mother I’d bought clothes on eBay for my son, she would offer me money or tell me I’m a bad mother.
My mother was the same.
I grew up with the same attitude at home.
Thankfully I grew up and got my own mind.
My mum was outraged when I bought a second hand pram. I calmly explained the previous ba y was in for a few months and I mat as well let some one else take the initial hit of £100's .
My mum absolutely loved a coat I was wearing a few months ago.
She was dumbfounded when I said I bought last January at the Heart Foundation for £15.
Since she has seen some of my Facebook buys she has been bragging to my sister what I have got!😂😂
With the kids stuff, especially babies and toddlers they grew out of things so fast. A lot of stuff often has hardly been worn.
The more branded stuff can be quite sturdy so will last and last.
It doesn't make sense to chuck it out. It is bloody stupid in fact.
Your mind set is daft. Times have changed.

I've just remembered I wore a second hand dress to my son's 18th. However it cost £200 so hardly "trampy" it is my favorite dress of all time
Again,mum didn't believe how fantastic looked. I still love it!!
For that money I would have had to settle for a good brand but not an amazing one that initially retailed at £1,200. The pwrks of buying second hand.

We are all products of our upbringing, but it is a choice to fight unhelpful messages and assumptions encountered in that upbringing.

Absolutely, which is what the OP is doing by exploring, discussing and reconsidering her views about buying secondhand. So being understanding and reassuring in our responses is probably better than telling her she's dim or judgemental, as some posters have done.

We are all products of our upbringing, but it is a choice to fight unhelpful messages and assumptions encountered in that upbringing

That’s a bit of a shitty response. Things we grow up with can become ingrained in us and very hard to move away from. It doesn’t matter if it’s something as simple as thinking there is a stigma associated with buying second hand clothes, or as complex as thinking abusive relationships are the norm. Ultimately our upbringing can define many parts of us, and it’s not as simple as barking well it’s a choice, purely because you don’t like the message.

[quote Clarice99]@ohnana

Thanks so much for posting the link to Thrift+. I'd never heard of it and I'm now in the process of donating stuff

I love second hand/vintage clothes, furniture/household items, jewellery and have had some fantastic finds over the years. I can't wait for charity shops and vintage/antique fairs to open up again![/quote]
@Clarice99 all my furniture is 1950s utility- I love it! I found Dd a beautiful 1940s wardrobe in BHF last year for £20. I've had people ask why don't I go to ikea for cheap furniture- my taste is vintage! Love a bit of mid century teak.

We have an amazing monthly vintage fair not far from us, I really hope it can be on again over the summer.

We have 4 kids and over the years they have always worn preworn, almost all of their toys and books are second-hand too. Very rarely do we actually buy them anything new. Every year this must save us over £2,000 which we spend on going on holidays. 20 years of holidays in my opinion is worth far more than worrying about wearing something someone else might have.

It's very middle class thing .

I know people who earn 200k + a year who use our internal buy and sell forum ! It's seen as stupid to waste money buying new.

What do you think then OP? Going to give it a try?

@Daydreamsinglorioustechnicolor

What do you think then OP? Going to give it a try?

@Daydreamsinglorioustechnicolor

I’ve bid on the puddle suit.... 😬

@Bluntness100

We are all products of our upbringing, but it is a choice to fight unhelpful messages and assumptions encountered in that upbringing

That’s a bit of a shitty response. Things we grow up with can become ingrained in us and very hard to move away from. It doesn’t matter if it’s something as simple as thinking there is a stigma associated with buying second hand clothes, or as complex as thinking abusive relationships are the norm. Ultimately our upbringing can define many parts of us, and it’s not as simple as barking well it’s a choice, purely because you don’t like the message.

No, it’s a tough response. I get how hard it is to discard ingrained elements of your past, because at 48, I still have to do it on a daily basis., and I grew up with some awful ideas about the inferiority of women, about education, class, the obligation to keep in your allotted place, not to ever raise your head above the parapet or risk looking like you were ‘getting above yourself’.

But it’s necessary to contest ingrained or inherited narratives, however difficult, otherwise we’d just be unthinkingly living out self-sabotaging prejudices inherited from our parents, who inherited them from theirs etc.

I’ve bought clothes on eBay for years. Bought and sold loads of my kids designer items on there.

A friend of my mums buys all her clothes in charity shops. Always looks amazing. If you ask her where a certain item is from she always says ‘oh it’s vintage, darling.’

It’s the way forward. We shouldn’t be throwing clothes away or producing cheap throwaway clothes in pollution making factories.

Once you’ve put it through your washing machine, it’s yours. Do it.

I've always bought my DC clothes from charity shops.
I like to look closely at them to see they are good quality and have plenty of wear left.

This last year I haven't been able to much as they've been closed. I've had to buy new, and I've been dismayed at the poor quality of some of the new clothes. They are already much more rag-like than most of my charity shop finds!

I think quality is reducing year on year, but we don't notice as much because we don't have the older style clothes to compare.

I think people who buy high quality expensive clothes have always handed them down - no stigma attached.
That's why there is sometimes much more stigma attached to buying second hand in groups that would be unlikely to afford high quality clothing in the first place, and it gets culturally entrenched, so it's hard to change.

I wore second hand as a child - it was seen as thrifty and pragmatic, not shameful.

I can't wait for the charity shops to open again.

I have had some success with ebay, and often found things come beautifully wrapped in tissue paper. But you can get a much better idea of the fabric quality when you can touch it first.

I buy almost all my clothes second hand, apart from underwear, PJs, good quality t-shirts and jeans.

I see it as a sustainability thing. The impact of fast fashion makes me feel quite ill.

I don't need to - two decent full time wages in our household - but I feel we need to do our bit.

We have three kids which is such a tax on the environment anyway, so I try to mitigate it where I can by buying second hand.

I've never ever thought of it as 'trampy' or that it says something about our status.

Buying second hand meant I could buy the likes of Boden, Frugi and some of the Scandinavian brands i like.
They lasted well and had a better colour range. Some of it good enough to see on again.
I was lucky to live near some wealthy areas of London so the charity shops had really good stuff.

Primark and the like was a false economy.