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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to have left my kids with DH to see dying nan

142 replies

Smidwifes · 26/02/2021 19:13

My nan died last night, I'm broken hearted, I was very close to her, but she was old, it's the natural order of life.

I'm feeling upset and emotional right now, but I'd say that a significant portion of that upset, is how DH has treated me the last two days.

She was admitted Monday night, on Tuesday morning I delivered some food up to my DDad as he'd been with her all night, I weren't allowed to visit so I went home.

Later in the afternoon her condition deteriorated and they relaxed visiting as were moving to end of life care so I dropped everything and went up there, so far DH supportive of this.

Wednesday she's still hanging on, so I go up there and spend 4 hours with her, I'm home before dinner, which I prepare for kids and DH.

The next day (yesterday) shes still hanging on, I see this as my last chance to see her, told DH I was going to go up there in the afternoon. This is where the AIBU comes in.

DH states he needed to get his tyres replaced and wanted to go out for a run, to "get out of this fucking house" (he's been homeschooling DD1 while I take care of DD2). He basically, starts being funny with me, getting grumpy and moody, which makes me feel guilty for leaving DDs with him to go to my Nan's bedside. I said to him I'd wait until he had a run to go up there but this wasn't good enough as he had to eat first and wait two hours for the food to digest before going, so then I wouldn't be going until late and therefore not back until late. He said just to go.

So I went after I'd got DD2 down for a nap, I was with her just over 2 hours, then went home, in that 2 hours I'd text DH to ask if DD2 had woke from nap/was she okay etc, and I get short sharp responses from him. No care about what was happening.

I told him over text I'm unlikely to be coming up Friday (as she was last few hours of life) and to book in tyres, he said no slots so can't do it.

So I come back from hospital, ate dinner and shortly after got a call from DDad to say she had passed away, obviously I was upset. He obviously didn't know what to do/say. This isn't the issue, I was in an envelope of grief that he couldn't understand.

Went to bed and this morning I said I was going to my DDads this morning for a couple hours (he's my support bubble as he's on his own) , and that I would bring DD2 with me.

He starts being funny about not bringing DD2 , but by not bringing/caring for DD2 he can't do homeschool for DD1 , I said I don't care about fucking homeschool today don't effing do it. He was being funny so I said what is it you need to do so desperately today, he says that he just wants to go out for a run, I said I'll be back by midday you can do whatever you want in the afternoon. He got angry, and was a complete dick, so I just said give me a clear timeline of what YOU want to do today and I'll work around it, I went in the other room and was upset.he did come and apologise and said he was out of order. I left to go to my Dads with dd2.

Got home for dd2 nap and once DD2 woke I took the kids out for a walk and park for 2 hours and he basically slept all afternoon and now he's barely talking to me.

I don't know about you, but what kind of DH would act so coldly towards their DW who has just suffered a family loss ?

WIBU in going up there 3 times to see her/my DDad? I don't think I was, but "leaving" the DDs with him, has obviously caused a chemical imbalance in his head and he's become cabin fevered, and now being a prick?

OP posts:
toocold54 · 26/02/2021 22:02

Wow is there a Mumsnet award for Biggest Bellend Of The Year? Cos this prick needs a nomination. Fuck him off, OP. This is insane levels of selfishness.

Absolutely this!
I thought he was tired and ready (no exemption) but he would have apologised but he’s making our like you’re in the wrong!!

I am so shocked at his behaviour. It’s actually one of the worst things I’ve read on here for a long time.

Doublechins · 26/02/2021 22:03

He's an arsehole.

So sorry for your loss OP xx

roastedsaltedpeanut · 26/02/2021 22:13

Sorry for your loss.
From your post, it is clear as day that there is a power imbalance in your marriage. He has far too much control over you and you are too keen to conform.
From the short post I feel there is still hope.
He is obviously sorry for what he had done but he is unable to see clearly why he felt the need to do what he had done. That could be why he is sulking ie being cold towards you.
He is used to being the centre of all attention, is he naturally narcissistic or had he been raised as the centre of the universe? He sounds rather spoilt. What’s his upbringing like?
You two have to speak and find out why he felt the urge to hold you back from seeing your dying Nan. That’s quite an absurd demand. If he can’t or unwilling to figure out why he behaved so abhorrently then I am afraid you are better off with a grown up rather than a spoilt brat. Cut your losses now before he gets into your head and ruins your life.

GabsAlot · 26/02/2021 22:13

so he cant look after his own child is what hes saying basically

pathetic

Freddiefox · 26/02/2021 22:19

Op there is nowhere you can go with him and this. You’ve said you make excuses for him.
I bet half of them you don’t even realise you are doing this.
I bet he’s worse than you realise and you have learnt to love with him.

I’d you can’t support your wife during a family bereavement, then the relationship isn’t worth having. Sorry

EL8888 · 26/02/2021 22:22

YANBU however he is totally unreasonable. Is he always so selfish, unreasonable and lazy. Reminds me of my now ex husband, my dad died suddenly, he was relatively young and l was devastated. Ex husband a couple of weeks wondered why l was “going on about it”.

Sorry for your loss

Another vote for bellend of the year Confused

Hall84 · 26/02/2021 22:23

I'm sorry to hear about your Nan OP. I lost my twin (not totally unexpectedly but it was a shock) and DH took over everything. Our LG was 6 months old - he should have been working away for a few weeks but made it home by the next day, drove us between our house and my parents and just 'did stuff' so I could focus on me & my parents. If he hadn't made it so easy I'd be thinking long and hard about the relationship. Thinking of you & your family

Truthlikeness · 26/02/2021 22:23

His behaviour has been utterly despicable. I would question spending my life with someone like that.

raspberryk · 26/02/2021 22:27

I’m sorry op for your loss.

When my grandad was dying he was in hospital for a number of weeks and in the last week or so I went practicality every day.

I left my 2 dc with my partner, who isn’t even their father, with the children for hours and hours. He did absolutely everything for all of us while still working full time. I came home to a clean house, clean clothes, food cooked, children bathed and ready for or in bed.

That’s a real life partner, I’m sorry yours isn’t.

dillydallydollydaydream7 · 26/02/2021 22:50

I'm so sorry for your loss Thanksyou were not being unreasonable going to see her at all, or going to see your dad. Family is more important than going for a run and congratulations to him for doing a few days of homeschooling and looking after his children! That's what being a parent is about. He is ridiculous

WannabemoreWeaver · 26/02/2021 22:58

The whole Covid cabin-fever thing is just bullshit imho. My mother died in January after 14 months of us nursing her at home, made immeasurably more awful by covid and the difficulties in getting help, medications, etc etc. I had a lot of people teling me how 'its hard for everyone right now' etc etc. Its just an excuse to be selfish twats and not actually show any care and concern for others. It was shocking to be honest. I am so sorry that this horrible time has been made worse by someone who equates disruption to his exercise routine with losing a beloved family member.

UniversalAunt · 26/02/2021 23:01

‘Ick’.

Purplealienpuke · 26/02/2021 23:06

My father prevented my mother from being with her mum when she died. And not because he was looking after us kids either....
Some people are just so utterly selfish and threatened by their partners emotions for others they can't handle it.
In my world that makes them cunts!
In your situation I would treat him with the same contempt and make plans to leave/kick him out.
His tiredness does not trump your grief 😡
Sorry for your loss 💐

Hangingover · 26/02/2021 23:07

Weapons grade dickhead right here. So sorry OP.

When my DM was dying DP once drove nearly 250 miles to pick me up from the hospice, get me a MacDonald's and cuddle me to sleep for about four hours before having to take me straight back to mind her. ExDP, by contrast, once heard me get the phonecall telling me a friend who was in hospital had died, and I let out this heartbroken howl and sobbed and sobbed - and he didn't even come into the room. Some people are just so disgustingly selfish they can't get over themselves enough to meet you in your grief. Others will move mountains. Sorry again for your loss OP, he's been such a horrible prick. I very rarely say LTB but I honestly don't know if I could get past this.

Awarsewolf · 26/02/2021 23:10

@UniversalAunt yes ick - the idea of being with a man like that makes my skin crawl

SpaceOp · 26/02/2021 23:15

OP, I'm so sorry for your loss and that your husband is being so useless. I can understand him feeling stressed, overwhelmed and tired as a result of all the pressures. But his behaviour is inexcusable. The run is a classic - he shouldn't have even brought i tup but if he really felt he needed it, fine. except... he clearly didn't. He just wanted to use it as a stick to beat you with. If he'd genuinely wanted it, when you offered to accommodate he absolutely would have accepted that and worked around your very difficult schedule.

I disappeared to another country when my mum was dying, leaving DH with two children and with absolutely no sense of when I'd be back. DH consistently encouraged me to stay longer/ do what I needed to do and ran interference for me with other family and friends. I can only hope that when it happens to him I can be as supportive and provide the help HE needs.

AcrossthePond55 · 26/02/2021 23:52

When my dad was dying my DH took over the house and parenting 100% (plus his full time job) so I was free to come and go as I felt the need. He did this for around 3 months. He even took time off work 'as needed' for our DC around school activities. I did the same during the time his mother was dying. My mum died suddenly of Covid earlier this month and although we're now retired and DC are grown, it was the same; I was free to do whatever I needed to without worrying about the house, meals, or other 'family stuff'. We both believe that our job, as loving spouses, was to free our spouse up 100% to do what they felt they needed to do for their dying parent.

We would have done the same for a grandparent, because we would have known that the other would have wanted to be with their grandparent as well as support the parent who's parent is dying.

Your 'd'H is behaving like a spoilt and selfish child. Fuck him. If I were you I'd take a long look at the totality of my marriage and both of our roles in it. I'd look hard at his behaviour over all and I'll bet you find that his pouting and selfishness isn't a new thing. I'd also look at my role in allowing him to get away with his pettishness. Do you walk on eggshells? Do you deny yourself so he gets to do what he wants? This may be a 'one off' or it may be a slowly emerging pattern.

harknesswitch · 27/02/2021 02:01

Who gives a flying fuck how difficult homeschooling is OP. This gives him no right whatsoever to be massively unsupportive towards you when you're dealing with a bereavement. He can catch up on his sleep, you will never get any further time with your Nan.

okokok000 · 27/02/2021 03:22

You're not unreasonable. His behaviour is shocking and the fact he has double downed on it would give me real cause for concern and make me question the relationship. He's clearly not a team player.

Being tired is a pathetic excuse. How the hell was he planning on going for runs (that he wanted you to prioritise over your ban) if he is that bloody tired.

Sorry for your loss and the fact you're having to put up with such nasty behaviour.

Emeraldshamrock · 27/02/2021 03:28

I'm really sorry for your loss. I'm sure the effort you made to spend time with your Nan was appreciated so much.
Not sure what to say about your DH, tut tut tut what a spoilt self centred dick. I hope you're okay. Flowers

PerveenMistry · 27/02/2021 03:45

Why are you married to and having kids with such an utter asshole?

Condolences on your loss.

wellthatsunusual · 27/02/2021 03:58

Every time I read a thread on Mumsnet about arsehole husbands I'm always struck by how the selfish man babies think that being tired is a catch all excuse for behaving like a self centred dickhead. Because of course no mother has ever experienced tiredness. It makes my blood boil.

OP I'm sorry you are married to someone who appears to care only about himself.

fuzzymoon · 27/02/2021 04:18

Why did you ask him not to throw it back in your face when he decided to do the home schooling ?
This makes me think he has form for being selfish or nasty.
I feel there's more to his behaviour than this incident.
Has he acted unreasonable before this ?

RantyAnty · 27/02/2021 04:55

I'm so very sorry for your loss. Flowers

He is absolutely a nasty and vile arsehole!

I skimmed through your other posts and it is very very clear he hates women.

I have to ask if you've given serious thought about leaving him?

Originalusername2021 · 27/02/2021 04:56

Sorry for your loss.

It’s often at the time of need that we see how selfish people are.

Very telling that you felt he was going to throw it back in your face that he was homeschooling his own child, the way we all have the last 12 months, some with a baby to look after at well.

How was he precovid with doing his share with the Children and round the house?