AIBU to have left my kids with DH to see dying nan

[Smidwifes]

My nan died last night, I'm broken hearted, I was very close to her, but she was old, it's the natural order of life.

I'm feeling upset and emotional right now, but I'd say that a significant portion of that upset, is how DH has treated me the last two days.

She was admitted Monday night, on Tuesday morning I delivered some food up to my DDad as he'd been with her all night, I weren't allowed to visit so I went home.

Later in the afternoon her condition deteriorated and they relaxed visiting as were moving to end of life care so I dropped everything and went up there, so far DH supportive of this.

Wednesday she's still hanging on, so I go up there and spend 4 hours with her, I'm home before dinner, which I prepare for kids and DH.

The next day (yesterday) shes still hanging on, I see this as my last chance to see her, told DH I was going to go up there in the afternoon. This is where the AIBU comes in.

DH states he needed to get his tyres replaced and wanted to go out for a run, to "get out of this fucking house" (he's been homeschooling DD1 while I take care of DD2). He basically, starts being funny with me, getting grumpy and moody, which makes me feel guilty for leaving DDs with him to go to my Nan's bedside. I said to him I'd wait until he had a run to go up there but this wasn't good enough as he had to eat first and wait two hours for the food to digest before going, so then I wouldn't be going until late and therefore not back until late. He said just to go.

So I went after I'd got DD2 down for a nap, I was with her just over 2 hours, then went home, in that 2 hours I'd text DH to ask if DD2 had woke from nap/was she okay etc, and I get short sharp responses from him. No care about what was happening.

I told him over text I'm unlikely to be coming up Friday (as she was last few hours of life) and to book in tyres, he said no slots so can't do it.

So I come back from hospital, ate dinner and shortly after got a call from DDad to say she had passed away, obviously I was upset. He obviously didn't know what to do/say. This isn't the issue, I was in an envelope of grief that he couldn't understand.

Went to bed and this morning I said I was going to my DDads this morning for a couple hours (he's my support bubble as he's on his own) , and that I would bring DD2 with me.

He starts being funny about not bringing DD2 , but by not bringing/caring for DD2 he can't do homeschool for DD1 , I said I don't care about fucking homeschool today don't effing do it. He was being funny so I said what is it you need to do so desperately today, he says that he just wants to go out for a run, I said I'll be back by midday you can do whatever you want in the afternoon. He got angry, and was a complete dick, so I just said give me a clear timeline of what YOU want to do today and I'll work around it, I went in the other room and was upset.he did come and apologise and said he was out of order. I left to go to my Dads with dd2.

Got home for dd2 nap and once DD2 woke I took the kids out for a walk and park for 2 hours and he basically slept all afternoon and now he's barely talking to me.

I don't know about you, but what kind of DH would act so coldly towards their DW who has just suffered a family loss ?

WIBU in going up there 3 times to see her/my DDad? I don't think I was, but "leaving" the DDs with him, has obviously caused a chemical imbalance in his head and he's become cabin fevered, and now being a prick?

[Etinox]

You could choose to accept his apology.
You know better than we do whether it’s genuine and whether his horrid behaviour was out of character and/ or likely to be repeated.
I’m sorry for your loss.

[Desmondo2016]

I have many stories to tell about why my ex husband is my ex but one of the ones that sticks in my head the most is exactly this, how he supported me (or rather how he didn't) around the time my dear grandmother passed away. I don't throw LTB around willy nilly but with my personal experience, plus now having a husband who supports me through absolutely everything to the highest standard, I would be very concerned that he's just an arse and you may struggle to forgive him for this.

[Snowymcsnowsony]

Fine line between depression and Twatism op. If he was depressed he most certainly could have chosen a better time to discuss it.. When my dgm died my now exh didn't even offer to attend the funeral with me.
Now exh.
He has quite frankly op showed you where his priorities lie.
With himself.
Sorry again for your loss.

[Clutterbugsmum]

Why does OP need to 'help' sorting out his depression.

He's an adult, and if he feels he is depressed then he need to sort himself out, make an appointment to see his GP. What he shouldn't do is put his stress on his already stressed, grieving wife.

[Summerdayshaze]

I’ve never heard of anyone that desperate for a run. What a load of bollocks. He’s either up to something or something is not right with him.

[SpaceOp]

@Nebulacoffee

You’re angry and you’re hurting OP.
It’s totally understandable.
Your DP has recognised he’s been shit, has said sorry and wants to make amends.
Sounds like you’re still hurting and not ready to just move on.
But I would suggest not being too rash, because you’re still in an emotionally vulnerable place.

Maybe say something like:

“I appreciate your apology, thank you for saying it. I’m sure in a few days time we can sit down and think about how you can make it up to me, and how I can support you with the depression. I’m not ready to have that conversation yet though. I’m still grieving and really hurt by the last few days. Just give me some space until after the funeral and then we’ll talk.”

This is nice but I disagree. For a start, I don't think he really is depressed. it was an excuse. He's a bit down and struggling, sure, but that is not depression and you don't have to be part of the solution directly and certainly not in this context.

My advice that it's one thing to accept the apology, but you do need to make it clear (as Nebula suggests) that you aren't just able to get over this in five seconds. Then, although you shouldn't have to, you can spell out what you need. Which, I imagine, at this point is for him to step up - to accept you may need to go be with your Dad and/or help with funeral arrangements which will require him to be there for the kids properly. It may be that you won't be feeling your best and therefore he needs to understand and accept that and not get angry or take it personally. You are clearly quite happy to accommodate him having time to help himself, eg with running, but tell him you need him to make it so that his runs etc are at times that are convenient for you as you manage other things around your nan's death.

IF, and only if, he can do all this, you might well find that you start to forgive him for being a twat. But if he can't, then it's clearly a sign that he is just not willing or able to be supportive.

[Navilana]

I'd perfectly understand it if you were to go to your dad's. Leave him to it.

[ContessaDiPulpo]

@Nebulacoffee

You’re angry and you’re hurting OP.
It’s totally understandable.
Your DP has recognised he’s been shit, has said sorry and wants to make amends.
Sounds like you’re still hurting and not ready to just move on.
But I would suggest not being too rash, because you’re still in an emotionally vulnerable place.

Maybe say something like:

“I appreciate your apology, thank you for saying it. I’m sure in a few days time we can sit down and think about how you can make it up to me, and how I can support you with the depression. I’m not ready to have that conversation yet though. I’m still grieving and really hurt by the last few days. Just give me some space until after the funeral and then we’ll talk.”

I agree very much with this. I'm sorry for your loss OP

[Nebulacoffee]

You’re angry and you’re hurting OP.
It’s totally understandable.
Your DP has recognised he’s been shit, has said sorry and wants to make amends.
Sounds like you’re still hurting and not ready to just move on.
But I would suggest not being too rash, because you’re still in an emotionally vulnerable place.

Maybe say something like:

“I appreciate your apology, thank you for saying it. I’m sure in a few days time we can sit down and think about how you can make it up to me, and how I can support you with the depression. I’m not ready to have that conversation yet though. I’m still grieving and really hurt by the last few days. Just give me some space until after the funeral and then we’ll talk.”

[GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing]

Sorry for your loss

He sounds horrible! I really hope this is very much out of character as his behaviour is appalling.

The bit about digesting food was just beyond ridiculous - he wants you to wait at home while he digests food?

[JourneyToThePlacentaOfTheEarth]

Condolences to you op. My dad passed away last month. I dropped everything to be with him as soon as final visits were allowed. I'm arranging his funeral and will have to travel for it when that's allowed. My husband has looked after our 3 dc and let's me do what I need to do. I can't imagine having silly arguments about his needs at a time like this. I think your dh wants everything to be about him.

[Lovewinemorethanhusband]

Your husbands being a dick !, my Nan died 2 weeks ago , I had a phone call from my aunt saying she had collapsed and I went there straight away, my husband was working at home, I said to him I need to go now to be there and he was like fine told his boss that he had to log off for a family emergency and I went leaving all 3 kids with him and it was nearly ready time and I hadn't sorted anything , he got on with it and put them all to bed before I got home. He then had the next 2 days off to make sure I was ok and the kids were fine

[hardboiledeggs]

Your DH is a selfish arsehole and quite honestly I could not forgive that. I resent him for the rest of our relationship.

[harknesswitch]

The problem with him being sorry now is that he can't actually do anything to make it better. He can't now change his ways and give you more time to spend with your Nan.

It's quite convenient for him though isn't it. I'm sorry. But can't change anything. What happens next time he fucks up something that's important to you?

[ohfourfoxache]

@Smidwifes firstly I’m so, so sorry that you’re going through this. Losing someone is hard enough at the best of times, but going through it now is more difficult than I can imagine

My grandad died just as DH and I bought/did up our house (then BF). He was supportive to an extent, but couldn’t understand that I needed him to just be with me (he wanted to carry on with DIY). Even 15 years later I still feel a bit bitter that he didn’t just support me, that he carried on faffing around with the house 2 days after he died and wanted to just get back to normal (we had absolutely no pressure to move in, both still lived “at home”)

If he had behaved as your “d”h had I don’t think I’d have been able to forgive him. Even if you get past this, you’ll always remember how he has behaved when you needed him most.

I think you need to consider making long term arrangements. Put in place what you need to, look into what you’re entitled to, play the long game. Even if you don’t need them, if you get past this, it will give you options rather than being in a position where you have loads to do before you leave him

[gutful]

Also saying you’re sorry then explaining it away with being depressed because your running schedule is interrupted is basically saying “I’m sorry but”

It sounds like he knows he has pushed you too far & is trying to back peddle.

Also have clinical depression (bipolar) and sick to the back teeth of people who use depression and anxiety as a reason to excuse their behaviour.

People who actually have these things generally feel bad & apologise for their short comings

Oh and if he was really clinically depressed the last thing he would be wanting to do is go for a run.

He was “annoyed” and “put out” he couldn’t go for his run. Not bloody depressed!

Knowing grandma is about to die - that is depressing.

Is it possible this is some type of gift your nan has given you? The ability to truly see him as he is?

[Clutterbugsmum]

@Smidwifes

Lady night when the kids were in bed he asked to talk he apologised for the way he's behaved this week, said he'd dealt with this situation terribly, and he feels awful for letting me down

He's asked what he can do to make amends

There's nothing you can do you toss pot!!!!!! You've clouded by grief with your pathetic selfishness and nothing you can do now will change anything!

What do I do now 😔

Sorry for your loss, look after yourself, dad and DC.

As for him leave him to stew in his own juices. He said "He's sorry" more then once but has done nothing to change his behaviour.

His actions speak louder then his words. He saying what he thinks will make his life easier and what he thinks you want to hear. While he just continues to do what he wants.

He's asked what he can do to make amends I would tell him to his head out of his arse and start behaving like an adult and not a selfish self centred child. And that he can't make amend for his behaviour but going forward he needs to put you, your dad and his children before himself.

[gutful]

What absolutely disgustingly selfish behaviour.

Have not been married before but in similar instances when partner’s behaved so selfishly was the wake up call I needed to get them gone.

What is the point of a spouse if not to support you in life & death situation?

Imagine if you were laid up in hospital seriously sick - sounds like he would prioritise his run & time for his meal to digest
(Why not just go for a run then eat after ffs)

Am not sure could look at someone the same way if they tried to whinge, whine or prevent me from seeing a loved one in their final moments on earth.

Selfishness doesn’t even begin to label this attitude.

[okokok000]

I'm sorry OP. I really feel for you.

Whilst I stand by my previous posts I think it's important you don't make any rash decisions. Take time for you and decide what you want. Other peoples opinions, including his, really don't matter. You're going through a lot so look after yourself.

[Smidwifes]

Lady night when the kids were in bed he asked to talk he apologised for the way he's behaved this week, said he'd dealt with this situation terribly, and he feels awful for letting me down

He's asked what he can do to make amends

There's nothing you can do you toss pot!!!!!! You've clouded by grief with your pathetic selfishness and nothing you can do now will change anything!

What do I do now 😔

[Feedingthebirds1]

@ExtraordinaryQuince

Who are the 4% who think YABU?

Men??? Who think childcare is a woman's job, whatever the circumstances??

[harknesswitch]

I'd call him out on his running behaviour

[MrsTerryPratchett]

@ExtraordinaryQuince

Who are the 4% who think YABU?

Natural deviation, trolls, pissed up MNers...

[ExtraordinaryQuince]

Who are the 4% who think YABU?

[MixedUpFiles]

Yes, it can be hard to be the sudden only available parent, with no free time and extra tasks, but it’s just what has to be done in a crisis.