AIBU to have left my kids with DH to see dying nan

[Smidwifes]

My nan died last night, I'm broken hearted, I was very close to her, but she was old, it's the natural order of life.

I'm feeling upset and emotional right now, but I'd say that a significant portion of that upset, is how DH has treated me the last two days.

She was admitted Monday night, on Tuesday morning I delivered some food up to my DDad as he'd been with her all night, I weren't allowed to visit so I went home.

Later in the afternoon her condition deteriorated and they relaxed visiting as were moving to end of life care so I dropped everything and went up there, so far DH supportive of this.

Wednesday she's still hanging on, so I go up there and spend 4 hours with her, I'm home before dinner, which I prepare for kids and DH.

The next day (yesterday) shes still hanging on, I see this as my last chance to see her, told DH I was going to go up there in the afternoon. This is where the AIBU comes in.

DH states he needed to get his tyres replaced and wanted to go out for a run, to "get out of this fucking house" (he's been homeschooling DD1 while I take care of DD2). He basically, starts being funny with me, getting grumpy and moody, which makes me feel guilty for leaving DDs with him to go to my Nan's bedside. I said to him I'd wait until he had a run to go up there but this wasn't good enough as he had to eat first and wait two hours for the food to digest before going, so then I wouldn't be going until late and therefore not back until late. He said just to go.

So I went after I'd got DD2 down for a nap, I was with her just over 2 hours, then went home, in that 2 hours I'd text DH to ask if DD2 had woke from nap/was she okay etc, and I get short sharp responses from him. No care about what was happening.

I told him over text I'm unlikely to be coming up Friday (as she was last few hours of life) and to book in tyres, he said no slots so can't do it.

So I come back from hospital, ate dinner and shortly after got a call from DDad to say she had passed away, obviously I was upset. He obviously didn't know what to do/say. This isn't the issue, I was in an envelope of grief that he couldn't understand.

Went to bed and this morning I said I was going to my DDads this morning for a couple hours (he's my support bubble as he's on his own) , and that I would bring DD2 with me.

He starts being funny about not bringing DD2 , but by not bringing/caring for DD2 he can't do homeschool for DD1 , I said I don't care about fucking homeschool today don't effing do it. He was being funny so I said what is it you need to do so desperately today, he says that he just wants to go out for a run, I said I'll be back by midday you can do whatever you want in the afternoon. He got angry, and was a complete dick, so I just said give me a clear timeline of what YOU want to do today and I'll work around it, I went in the other room and was upset.he did come and apologise and said he was out of order. I left to go to my Dads with dd2.

Got home for dd2 nap and once DD2 woke I took the kids out for a walk and park for 2 hours and he basically slept all afternoon and now he's barely talking to me.

I don't know about you, but what kind of DH would act so coldly towards their DW who has just suffered a family loss ?

WIBU in going up there 3 times to see her/my DDad? I don't think I was, but "leaving" the DDs with him, has obviously caused a chemical imbalance in his head and he's become cabin fevered, and now being a prick?

[Aquamarine1029]

I'm guessing he has form for this sort of behaviour. Selfish, self-absorbed. This kind of callousness doesn't come out of nowhere.

[toocold54]

I can’t believe what I’ve just read - what an absolute selfish prick!

How awful that you are going through all of this and you have him in the back of your mind the entire time because he’s being a brat and somehow making you feel guilty for having to look after his own child!

I actually don’t think I could stay with someone like this. I’d never forgive him for making my mums death about his needs.

[EKGEMS]

I'd tell him to go jog in the middle of Britain's busiest motorway

[PopUpName]

I am so sorry that you lost your Nan.

I am also sorry that your dh is such an unrepentant arse. You are right to have asked yourself if you would have behaved this way. Looks like the love and care only runs one way.

If you can't stand looking at him, and I don't blame you, then ask him to leave.

[oatmilk4breakfast]

He was being a total dick. Don’t give him permission by trying to pander to him. Being with your Nan was the right thing to do - any normal man would be trying to comfort you right now.

[S111n20]

@EKGEMS

I'd tell him to go jog in the middle of Britain's busiest motorway

This.

I would be so so angry what a prick. I don’t ever think I could look at him the same way.

[mrsfollowill]

Naaa! just tired my arse - he probably realises what an prick he has been but won't admit it- he has not got a shred of empathy by the sounds of it. How would he feel if he he was wanting to see a dying close relative and you chucked your toys out of the pram because you wanted to get your nails done? You deserve better than this

[DuckbilledSplatterPuff]

He's entirely selfish. Sorry for your loss and for the fact that he seems to be making things worse. Please take care of yourself and be very kind to yourself. You don't need to worry about his moods at the moment.

[caringcarer]

When my Mum was dying my DH encouraged.mr to.go to see her and stay with her and my dsisters while I had the chance. He looked after my 2 D's and foster son for many weeks and I came home at weekends. He moved all of his work around to.accomodate me. That is what a loving DH does when his wife is grieving.

[TinselTinsel]

YANBU and do NOT feel guilty about anything.
He's a selfish, insensitive prick.
I'm sure he'd be happy for you to look after the kids if the roles were reversed!

[Smidwifes]

Well it's all just kicked off, he's not said a word to me all evening , I've been sitting there stewing, I got up to go to bed a said to him I pray, that in many many many many many years time when your DM dies , that our DDs have got someone more supportive than you by their side.

He told me to get fucked (probably coz bringing his very much alive DM into it was insensitive) and then it all kicked off, him saying why can't I just leave him alone when he's tired minding his own business watching TV. I said I just wanted to express how fucking disappointed I am in your lack of support, and being grumpy the last two days when I'm dealing with a bereavement. Apparently I don't know how ba s homeschooling is!!!!!! (We made an agreement in December he would do the homeschool, I would look after youngest DC... I said to him at the time, are you gonna throw this back in my face ? And here we are!!!!)

[Dannydevitoiloveyourart]

Im not sure what’s worse- the crappy way he behaved the past few days or the fact he can’t admit he’s wrong.

What a bellend. He is no use, no support, what’s the point of him?

I’m really sorry for your loss OP and I’m so sorry you’re having to waste your precious energy during grief just fuming at your prick of a husband.

Is he normally this selfish and unapologetic or is it a new development? If this is how he usually is I’d be reconsidering the relationship to be honest.

[WhereamI88]

Wow. I'm sorry OP but I had a similar experience.
I divorced exH after my mum was diagnosed with cancer and he continued to be his self centered usual man. He'd always been a bit selfish and needy but I genuinely thought that when I'd finally need some support, he'd be there for me. He wasn't. And it made me see him in a different light and there was no going back. I tried for another year but I lost all respect for him. Your H sounds the same, like a petulant lazy teenager with zero empathy.

[ikeepseeingit]

Wow, I think this might actually be grounds for you to leave him. Do you want him to model this behaviour to your children? I'm so so sorry about your nan, you really didn't need this at this time from him. You deserve so much better than this.

[PurpleMustang]

So he has waited 2/3 months to now conveniently moan about homeschooling. He is just using it as an excuse for his behaviour. He is also telling you in his manner to not rely on him coz he doesn't want to help. I was going to suggest to asking if the roles had been reversed would he be ok with the behaviour but looks like you already have your answer. And now you know you can never have a worse day than him else he will sulk.

[nothingcanhurtmewithmyeyesshut]

Well I think its disgraceful. Asking him to look after his OWN children for 2 WHOLE hours! I'm having a fit of the vapours at the very concept.

Heartless useless cunt. What exactly does he contribute to your life because it clearly isn't his kindness and winning personality.

[Greenandcabbagelooking]

Firstly, I’m so sorry for your loss. I hope you and your dad and the rest of the family are doing as well as you can.

Unless you DH has some kind of medical condition, there is no need for him to feel cooped up with children. Buggy, scooter, coats, shoes, go. Take them for a walk, or to the park, or to feed the ducks. My 70 year old parents looked after the grandchildren in an emergency. The parents came home to two children who had been for a walk, made cakes, watched some Disney, played games and were in their (new ones because my parents don’t have any) PJs bathed and ready for bed. All this on 20 minutes notice.

Is he usually this useless?

[PurpleMustang]

Although thinking of it you could of gone the angle of if it was his Mum, would he expect his daughters to be there for her and him thus expecting his daughters partners to be supportive, or throw their toys out of the pram, for looking after his grandchildren for a small while. Would it be acceptable for his daughters to be in that type of relationship as this is what they are growing up with, and seeing as the norm.

[Meatshake]

Wow is there a Mumsnet award for Biggest Bellend Of The Year? Cos this prick needs a nomination. Fuck him off, OP. This is insane levels of selfishness.

[YouokHun]

He sounds like someone who has never suffered a loss and is also an unimaginative and self centred manchild who thinks he’s doing you a favour by babysitting his own children. He deserves a massive kick up the arse.

I’m about to lose by DF to cancer, maybe today, maybe in a few days time and it’s all I have headspace for. My DH (and I’m not saying this to be smug) totally gets it and knows that the end of life process takes the time it takes and that I need space and to be with him and my mum. He gets it partly because he’s been there, both his parents have died and he lost his DB at the beginning of lockdown but also because he’s an adult and knows it’s not all about him. It is a significant help to me at a difficult time.

I’m really sorry for your loss and that you haven’t had the support from your DH. One day he’ll find out what it’s like (because we all do at some point) and I hope he reflects on his behaviour. He may already know he’s been a flakey fucker and is hitting out and defensive. Either way there is no excuse.

I think I would try and just shut off for a bit and deal with the next few days and weeks and once you’ve had the funeral and there’s some space then re-examine if this episode is a one off or actually fairly typical of his attitude and make a decision from there, but I think in your shoes I would at that point be having a very careful think about the relationship as a whole.

[TinkerPony]

Im so sorry for your loss.
But my gosh his behaviour is plain nasty.
He say that the stress of homeschooling trump your family bereavement
Fuck him out of house.
Plus if he so fussy about the timing of eating and running.
Why cant he run before breakfast everyday that way he all set up good for the day.
Bet he find something else to be grumpy.

[Dishwashersaurous]

Honestly I am speechless that anyone can treat another human being this way. Let alone someone that they profess to love.

His behaviour is so completely utterly unacceptable that I don’t know how you will be able to get over this.

I think that I’m a few weeks when the grief is not so raw you should have couples counselling

[Stratfordplace]

Have my first LTB. I’m serious

[Sceptre86]

He's an arse, I get it he is stressed but having to look after two kids whilst your oh is at the hospital with a dying relative isn't a big deal. Sometimes you just have to suck things up because that is what your partner needs, he absolutely should have put you first and been enquiring about your dad too as he lost his mum. Tbh I would have asked why he was being such an arse when I needed his support. Does he have form for this?

My uncle has been in hospital for a few weeks now, not covid related but he has been very unwell and at one point was touch and go. I love him like a dad and was howling, dh stepped up to do the cooking, mind the kids and was my greatest support. I did the same for him when his uncle died, I was going through morning sickness too but kept my shit together because he was suffering. If a partner can't put you above their own needs when you are hurting they aren't a worthwhile partner at all.

Maybe show him this thread.

[Sceptre86]

I am sorry for your loss and hope your dad is ok x