Why are women so bitchy?

[BearingUp84]

For context - I'm a woman and I don't think I'm a bitch!

However there seems to be a group of school mums that seem intent on leaving me out of everything. I had no idea why. They meet up (pre covid obvs), have group chats etc. One of them can't even look me in the eye on the rare occasion she talks to me.

It's like the old adage, 2 company 3's a crowd. But it's when we're in a bigger group as well.

Why do some women just seem intent on leaving someone out? Constantly on the edges etc?

YABU - not all women are bitches
YANBU - these women are bitches, try make more friends

Just rah!

Clear off with your thread title! Not even reading the OP.

I wouldn't say the school gates were bitchy, but I would say they were cliquey. I dreaded the school run.

When my DS started school (many moons ago) I attended a PTA meeting as you were encouraged to take an interest. Well, one was enough, it was full of women (yes women) who didn't work, so the PTA was their 'office' and was full of politics and hierarchy. All 'mates' and had their roles, it was quite evident from the off that you would never 'break' into the well established committee.

Yes men can be spiteful, but my oh my women can be so horrid to other women

[quote Athenaena]@Bluntness100, I have read the OP, and her subsequent replies. In one of them she states that she’s asked them what she’s done wrong, she said they said nothing. I wouldn’t bother asking them (again) for a reason/s why she’s been excluded, I would bow out. She’ll just appear needy and desperate and she won’t get the truth out of them anyway.[/quote]
Agree, I wouldn’t either

On a seperate note this is not about the school gates, that’s irrelevant which makes the opening post more odd, these were her friends who have dumped her she says and won’t tell her why. I’ve no idea why the op just refers to them as a group of school mums, when she was always part of their small group outside school

Aren’t most parents thinking about work at school run time? I have a Big Job as they’re sometimes called on here and I happily chat to anyone I see on the nursery run but my mind is definitely elsewhere. I’d be absolutely baffled if some —underemployed— individual took that as ‘bitchy’.

Not read the full thread. But, I prob seem bitchy at the school gates. I only stop to speak to my friend or my sister in law. Other than that I nod and move on quickly. Partly because I'm shit with names, and mostly because I'm in a hurry to get to work. Nothing personal just I have friends already so not looking to meet any mum friends as such.

@BearingUp84 I understand what you’re saying OP and I think you’ve had a right pasting on here (unfairly).

It’s difficult because you worry if it will impact onto your children’s friendships also.

I tried really hard in primary to make some school mum friends as I thought it would extend into keeping in touch once DC were in secondary but I was slowly excluded whilst some are still having merry nights out regularly. I’ve made some great female friends at work over the years but then they move on to a new job and have little interest in keeping in touch. I don’t know what the answer is really

I think if you're not one to jump into line for a queen bee type, they will ostracize you. But as someone who has come out from the other side, pick one or two others who dont comply. Then a long time later down the line, you will have one or two lifelong friends, long after these covens have imploded. Stand back and wait.

@MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously

Salt where did I say it never exists in men? I'm sure they are capable of this. But my experience is that it's a trait seen more frequently in women

If you read back on your post you will see you wrote "I've never seen it in men"

@morninglive

School gate mums are a breed apart, and i agree, many of them are just bitches. Most are fine though and just pick up, nod, smile and leave.

Do you think in a parallel talkboard there are men chatting about how "workplace blokes are a breed apart. Many of them are horrible and hurt my feelings by being busy and ambitious. Some of them are alright though."

Nope. It would be funny if it wasn't so utterly depressing.

Women who take children to school are as diverse as snowflakes. Each one is different. Some are absolute toxic bitches. Some are lovely. Most are a bit of both. None of this has anything to do with them being "school game mums". Whatever that means.

The vast majority are not plotting and scheming to find innovative ways to exclude and humiliate other women at pick-up time. Most people are far too busy, thinking about their kids/jobs/families/tiredness/lack of free time. They don't have the time or the mental energy for small-minded and paranoid conspiracies.

The small handful of them who do are by definition not worth giving thought to.

In this particular case its not clear whether the OP was actually close friends with these women or whether she just imagined the whole thing.

But this "school gate mums" thing gives me the rage. We're women. We don't join a secret freemasons which requires us to exclude other women for shits and giggles. Why do people perpetuate this self-punishing bullshit. It's so negative and small-minded.

@calmearth

I know plenty of men who are incredibly 'bitchy'. Probably a lot more men than women I know actually.

Maybe they just don't like you. It's ok not to like everyone. It doesn't make you a bitch!

Of course it’s ok to not like someone and it doesn’t make you a bitch. But it makes you a bitch if you don’t keep your dislike to yourself.

This is such a bizarre thread.

How are you "meant" to be friends with people?

In any case, stop talking to them all. You've either done something to annoy them or they simply don't want to be your friend anymore.

Maybe they are bitchy, maybe you're the bitch, maybe we should all stop using such a rank term to describe other women.

Stop talking, walk away, find new friends or just keep yourself to yourself.

So If calling horrible women bitchy is wrong, what term should we use. It’s a perfectly adequate term to use when women are vile to other women.

@bloomingroses

So If calling horrible women bitchy is wrong, what term should we use. It’s a perfectly adequate term to use when women are vile to other women.

I haven't got an issue with "bitchy" when its applied properly. In this case though it just seems to be used as a blanket term applied to any woman who is felt by the OP not to have given her what she feels is an appropriate level of attention.

Very little indication that anyone has been "vile" to the OP, they just haven't for whatever reason deemed her to be in the inner circle. It may be annoying and upsetting but there's no law that you have to be friends with everyone you meet at school.

And for some reason on these threads the smallest perceived slight by another mum (particularly the one of the dreaded "school gate mums") is characterised as "bitchy".

@bloomingroses it depends how they are being vile. Are they being dismissive? Rude? Aggressive? Passive-aggressive? Insulting? Degrading? Childish?

Instead of using a blank misogynistic term like "bitchy", think outside the box. Describe how they are actually behaving.

The fact that OP hasn't been able to articulate how they are being "bitchy" and has instead just bleated about being left out, tells a bigger story IMO.

@StormcloakNord

The fact that OP hasn't been able to articulate how they are being "bitchy" and has instead just bleated about being left out, tells a bigger story IMO.

Exactly.

This is always how it goes with these school gate mums threads. It's bored, insecure people without enough to do or think about attributing motives that aren't there to people who don't have time to worry about it in the first place.

It's women shooting themselves in the foot. As usual.

Literally the only thing you have in common with these women is that you all have kids of around the same age.

That alone is not enough to have the expectation that you will become friends. Think of them as a bunch of random strangers and it will make your life easier.

There's no excuse for their cold-shouldered rudeness, which some of them have down to a fine art I know (!) but would you want to be mates with people like that in any other life situation? No, you wouldn't.

YABU. I think groups of women can be great together. But there are assholes who like to be cliquey where ever you are. School mums are notorious for this.

Oh god the whole school gate era is behind me now but from experience save yourself the bother of over thinking it. You may be lucky and genuinely click with another Mum's or even a group but if not don't take it personally. Often the only thing you have in common with the rest of the parents is you've got a kid and that's it. Be kind to yourself and pay no heed to anyone that doesn't see your merits.

@Bandino

I think if you're not one to jump into line for a queen bee type, they will ostracize you. But as someone who has come out from the other side, pick one or two others who dont comply. Then a long time later down the line, you will have one or two lifelong friends, long after these covens have imploded. Stand back and wait.

This is such a weird way to approach incidental interaction that happens as a result of dropping your kids off at school! It absolutely isn’t a given either that you’ll be ostracised by or make lifelong friends with any of the other people who drop their kids off at school at the same time as you. If you go about thinking that either of those things are likely then you’ll come across as so intense that people will end up giving you a wide berth.

@MiddleParking

Aren’t most parents thinking about work at school run time? I have a Big Job as they’re sometimes called on here and I happily chat to anyone I see on the nursery run but my mind is definitely elsewhere. I’d be absolutely baffled if some —underemployed— individual took that as ‘bitchy’.

What a twattish thing to say.

There you go, folks. A Grade A bitchy comment from someone with a JOB.

Meh. No more bitchy than loads of the comments here from posters outraged that women they hardly know aren’t queuing up to lavish attention on them at 8am on weekdays 🤷🏻‍♀️

So that makes it ok? Aren’t you a little too busy for playground tit for tat? 🙄

Honestly, trying to act superior with your posts about Big Jobs then taking a jab at SAHM doesn’t make you look clever, it makes you look as bad as the people you profess to be above. It’s embarrassing in adults.

Salt I said I had never seen it in men - I don't know how you are reading that to mean; t never exists. It's just that in my experience this is a trait seen more in women.
This thread is gold though - a total illustration of the type of behaviour the OP is talking about. All the very important women with their proper jobs being far too preoccupied to indulge in such bitchery and it's the preserve of the 'underemployed'!
My experience of women is that bitches can always carve out some time in their day for such behaviour, even if they have a 'proper job' and aren't just on the PTA.