would you date someone who had an affair in previous marriage?

[crochetmonkey74]

Friend is internet dating and has met a nice man- he divorced 15 years ago and has had 2 shorter relationships in between. He has told her that in his first marriage he had an affair and it was the worst mistake of his life. I'm going to be dating again soon and wasn't sure what to think of this- is it a case of leopard never changing his spots or can people genuinely make one infidelity mistake? I'm not sure how I will feel about this when it is my turn to date- what do you all think?

I would proceed with extreme caution.

I would also proceed with caution. If you've done it once it's easier to cross the line.

Nope. Wouldn't waste my time proceeding with caution.

I wouldn't even begin to waste my time with him.

Depends, is he a serial adulterer or something he did one time and bitterly regrets going down that path? You can´t police someone, yo either trust him or you don´t.

15 years ago, freely admitted it, expresses regret...I'd give them a chance. Noones perfect.

I’m a very different person to who I was 15 years ago because I was 23 and an idiot and I was drunk most of the time. So would I want to be judged on anything I did then? No. Neither would anyone I know, most people are idiots at that age. So was it the folly of youth maybe? But if he was 40 15 years ago that’s quite a different matter. So I would be looking at the circumstances and proceed accordingly.

I would. But cautiously. You don't know the circumstances. Of course you will also likely never know the full story, only his version. But yes, I believe you can make a mistake and learn from it. You can also continually make the same mistake over and over again though, hence the caution.

I’d be cautious but he was also very up front and back remorseful about his actions, so I would date him.

Blimey- when I was younger ( never married but in serious relationships) I had many affairs. I wouldn’t dream of doing it now.
It wasn’t right but that doesn’t now.
I would say if someone has been honest enough to admit it then that makes a difference.

I’d date him. At least he’s being honest about it now. You never know what’s going on in someone else’s marriage and he’s being open now about what happened.

It depends.

15 years ago, if he does think it was a huge mistake and truly regrets it, the affair wasn't long, was honest about it, and hasn't been unfaithful in the other two relationships, I might give him the benefit of the doubt.

The thing is we can never be 100% sure of anyone and people can learn from their mistakes.

I might be put off depending on how they worded telling me. If they made it all their ex wife’s fault for example then they wouldn’t see me for dust. If they were full of regret and took full responsibility then that’s different. Ultimately it would depend how much I liked them. If it was a lot then rightly or wrongly (time would tell) I’d hand around.

I don't think it's inevitable, I think people can have "exit affairs" and as they get more mature reflect on why they strayed etc.

Having said that the one occasion recently when someone tried it on with me, it was a good friend's DH. He and my friend had (years before) gotten together when he was in a different long-term relationship. I realised that this was just his thing - couldn't be single, couldn't bring himself to leave a relationship he was unhappy in, but would've taken the opportunity if it presented itself.

Two of my friends married older men who’d had affairs during their first marriages. Yes, they both cheated. Ones now divorced, the other couple stayed together and seem ok now.

Never

Proceed with caution, as you should anyway with anyone, but I agree with others, I've done things in the past that I would never do today. I have had colleagues who have had affairs and totally regretted it. And others who didn't, they wanted out of the marriage and never looked back. Has he talked about how the affair came about.

Nope. Chances are he'll do it again.

Someone who can betray their partner who they proclaim to love is a liar, liars rarely change. There's plenty of people who wouldn't do that, why waste my time without someone who has shown they would?

With not without.

I cheated in my past marriage.. Told my new dp very early on. Our relationship is in no way comparable to back then. Any issues I tell now dh immediately.. I know I would never cheat. And I can say that with conviction as I am in no way the same woman I was back then. Very judgey today you lot!!

15 years ago is a long time so yes I would date someone who admitted to that 15 years ago as I don’t expect someone to be the same person they were 15 years ago

I agree with others that I wouldn't write someone off for it automatically, as long as they were upfront and honest about it and clearly remorseful and showed that they had learned from it. I try not to judge people based on their past but with certain things it's important to see that they have learned from it so it's definitely not who they are now.

I cheated when I was very young and in an unhappy relationship (no excuse and it was the biggest mistake I ever made, although I don’t regret ending the relationship with my then bf).

Been with dh 20 years and never so much as looked at another man so 🤷‍♀️. I wonder why he told your friend though! Seems strange.

No

@SVRT19674

Depends, is he a serial adulterer or something he did one time and bitterly regrets going down that path? You can´t police someone, yo either trust him or you don´t.

I'm not sure on the full details- he says it was a mistake- he was 35 ish when marriage broke up, there was a child or children (not sure how many)