would you date someone who had an affair in previous marriage?

[crochetmonkey74]

Friend is internet dating and has met a nice man- he divorced 15 years ago and has had 2 shorter relationships in between. He has told her that in his first marriage he had an affair and it was the worst mistake of his life. I'm going to be dating again soon and wasn't sure what to think of this- is it a case of leopard never changing his spots or can people genuinely make one infidelity mistake? I'm not sure how I will feel about this when it is my turn to date- what do you all think?

No one can possibly know the circumstances of the first marriage and it was a long time ago. I believe people change. I've been with my DH nearly 10 years and have never cheated on him in any way. However he is the only person I've not cheated on. I was terrible when younger. (Met DH when I was 32 so before that age).

Actually that should say 20 years, not 10! Typo.

Nope why take such a risk

@VinylDetective

So do all of you who say “No, never” ask men if they’ve cheated? By asking the question you’re showing how important it is to you so it’s pretty likely they’d lie if they have.

I’ve dated guys ( not actual relationship but dates) who have admitted all sorts of things and been honest, things like homosexual experiences etc I’ve tended to find honesty when asking a direct question. Of course, my dh says he hasn’t but I can’t really know for sure. I can only hope and trust what he says. If he had told me he had I don’t think we’d be together right now. I did go out with someone who I saw cheat ( I got with him after) and I never trusted him and it ended up causing the end of our relationship as I always felt suspicious. I didn’t like who I was in that relationship or how I felt.

@VinylDetective just comes up naturally when discussing past relationships, boundaries, views on infidelity etc.

I’ve always found guys to be really open and honest about past experiences personally, I’m sure there are plenty of things I wasn’t told but when I think about the stuff exes have disclosed it seems unlikely there are many more skeletons in their closets!

No. He's shown he's happy to lie to an important person.

Yes. Because I had an affair and I would never EVER do that again. I am glad my marriage is over, but I should have found a way to end it without cheating.

I did - and married him.

My husband was married in the 1970s in his 20s. He and his wife were a bit alternative/hippyish. They both had affairs, and split up a couple of years later.

I met him in the late 1980s, and we have now been married for nearly 30 years. I have never worried about him having an affair.

Someone cheating on a boyfriend in their 20's and someone cheating on their wife and children is in NO way comparable IMO.

It can happen in your 20's and mean that someone isn't a lifelong cheater BUT to do it to a wife and children means it is who you are, and having done it once of course he could do it again..

I think for me , it is the amount of lying and sneaking about he would have had to do. I take the point about different type of cheating based on age and seriousness of relationship etc. I personally have never cheated and can't imagine that I would, so I guess it would be too hard for me to not become insecure that we were very different. I have been cheated on previously so for me, I don't think i could accept it. I also take the point about men could lie and you would never know!This makes me worried about my dating future!

It will be a very narrow dating pool if you instantly eliminate them. There just aren't enough widowers to go round! And I say that as the XW of an adulterer.

I'd give them a chance and trust my gut on them as I see them now. Married men with children pay a huge price for their infidelity and undoubtedly learn a lot from it. A serial offender - not so much. But in reality many divorced people may be a bit hazy or not fully understand all of the issues and events that ended their marriage - and there are two sides to every story. I might use a bit of common sense about a man who told me he was the complete victim in his divorce too. So you have to use your own judgement anyway rather than black and white rules.

Absolutely not
Its such a despicable thing to do

Married men with children pay a huge price for their infidelity and undoubtedly learn a lot from it.
I wouldn't date a man who had contributed to the £4 billion owed in unpaid child maintenance. It would suggest he wasn't the one paying the price for his infidelity.

I agree with what @Sonicbloom has touched upon as well. Not only do you have to contend with their history of cheating but also your default feelings of suspicion or mistrust if you know that knowledge and still proceed with the relationship. I think that sometimes it can create this self-fulfilling prophecy because you are expecting them to cheat or behave in a certain way so much, that it can cause the very act to happen. Some people entering into relationships with past cheaters could give them a 100% blank slate to start again and full trust whereas some others might have more cautious or mistrustful or tempered feelings - sort of like awaiting impending doom. Therefore the relationship ends up failing anyway because of the self fulfilling prophecy effect.

It wouldn’t bother me any less if he’d done it to a girlfriend rather than a spouse as long as it was supposed to be an exclusive relationship. All that tells me is he respects someone less because he’s not legally tied to them. Doesn’t respect them intrinsically as a person worthy of honesty and dignity.

You have to lie and deceive and hurt over and over and over again to carry out an affair and I couldn’t be with someone who I knew was capable of doing that. You really do have to be someone who puts your own wishes and desires above someone else’s very basic dignity. Makes me shudder to even think about touching someone intimately who’d done that.

I cheated on my first boyfriend after the relationship had run it’s course, regretted it enormously and vowed I would never do it again because I felt terrible. 12 years later, I’ve kept my promise to myself. I’m now in a relationship with someone I’m very happy with and wouldn’t dream of cheating on. People can learn from their mistakes, especially if it was a one-off and they were young.

My dh has been married twice before me . He first married at a very young age to an older woman, they both cheated on each other.
His 2nd just didn't work out as they both wanted different things.
I've been with him over 20 years, and I'm sure it's been ok so far !

My first love had cheated on a previous girlfriend. He said he regretted it and had moved on. My head told me he'd crossed a line and might do it again. Wanting to believe in true love, I ignored this. And he cheated on me

So, maybe I was lucky, but I think it shows someone is willing to cheat, and that's now a deal breaker for me

Maybe I was Unlucky!

Its a no from me. Would never date someone who is also 'in the process of splitting up' as its almost always bullshit