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Original poster

would you date someone who had an affair in previous marriage?

95 replies

crochetmonkey74 · 24/02/2021 14:06

Friend is internet dating and has met a nice man- he divorced 15 years ago and has had 2 shorter relationships in between. He has told her that in his first marriage he had an affair and it was the worst mistake of his life. I'm going to be dating again soon and wasn't sure what to think of this- is it a case of leopard never changing his spots or can people genuinely make one infidelity mistake? I'm not sure how I will feel about this when it is my turn to date- what do you all think?

OP posts:
Skysblue · 24/02/2021 19:48

Nope. Even if he’s genuinely changed etc I would always wonder. Plus I couldn’t fall in love with someone who ever had that little integrity.

Holothane · 24/02/2021 19:52

No chance I was lucky with dh no cheating not a huge drinker.I’d rather have stayed on my own I’d wasted enough of my life but then he turned up😊

BunnyRuddington · 24/02/2021 19:53

No they're in the same list as men who don't see their children.

CherryRoulade · 24/02/2021 19:54

No. An absolute no. Not that I intend to marry anyone else, but being divorced would be a fairly big turn off were I in a position to be courting.

VestaTilley · 24/02/2021 19:56

He’s been up front and told her, but I think I’d always be wary and mistrustful.

Fine for dating and a low key relationship- but marriage and a future? Hmm, don’t think so.

RumJerrySailorRum · 24/02/2021 20:10

@crochetmonkey74

Rum how did you approach it? has it ever been an issue?

I am not sure I could trust enough

I knew him whilst it happened. And her actually, (she also cheated) so it wasn't something that needed to be admitted to or needed to be discussed.

He had another relationship in between.

I trust him 100%

They were not suited. We are.

Morgoth · 24/02/2021 20:38

No absolutely not. It’s a dealbreaker for me when dating someone. I know sometimes a leopard can change their spots but I figure why take the risk? I know people can change but the risk is yours and yours alone. Risk to your heart, your happiness and your time. Besides, the older I get, the firmer I believe that past performance is the best indicator of future behaviour. “Reformed” cheaters say they would never do it again but they probably didn’t think they’d ever cheat before they did cheat either.

I also agree with the PP who said that once that line has been crossed and that integrity taboo has been broken, it’s easier to do it again and again.

VinylDetective · 24/02/2021 20:44

So do all of you who say “No, never” ask men if they’ve cheated? By asking the question you’re showing how important it is to you so it’s pretty likely they’d lie if they have.

TallFriendlyGinger · 24/02/2021 20:58

A long time ago, he admitted it, said it was a mistake - yes I wouldn't mind. Everyone makes mistakes and it sounds like he's grown from it.

ClarkeGriffin · 24/02/2021 23:15

@BunnyRuddington

No they're in the same list as men who don't see their children.
Yeah I do wonder how they ever get another woman. If a man told me he didn't see his kids, I'd walk instantly. Wouldn't care for the reason, it wouldn't be a good one. Besides, if he actually gave a shit, he'd be in courts, phoning solicitors etc all the time, not dating. So pretending he cares is just that, pretending. I'd not rest until I got my kids back if they were taken from me, I certainly wouldn't be interested in dating.
Ibizafun · 24/02/2021 23:17

I wouldn’t have.. but I think a lot would.

Fallsballs · 24/02/2021 23:33

It’s a big no from me.

RAOK · 25/02/2021 00:01

If you are going to discount guys who have cheated when online dating your selection is going to be remarkably reduced. There are many married men across all of the dating apps looking to cheat.

Pippa234 · 25/02/2021 00:03

No I wouldn't.

LunarCatAndDaffodils · 25/02/2021 00:41

Probably not. If it was someone who got married very young, under 25 when they cheated and it was a long time ago and they were demonstrably living their life very differently now, maybe. But probably not.

Sunhoop · 25/02/2021 01:27

Tough one but no I wouldn't trust him either. I cheated in a long term relationship when I was in my 20's. We weren't married and there were no DC involved but I felt immense guilt. I have never even contemplated cheating on my DH - I simply wouldn't do it. It's probably a bit hypocritical saying I wouldn't date someone who had an affair on their wife, but I wouldn't. Cheating in a marriage, particularly when there's DC, involves huge levels of risk and deceit. It's a line most decent people don't cross. How long did the affair last?

Anordinarymum · 25/02/2021 01:37

My bloke had an affair when he was married. The marriage was a soulless sham with no care or love in it and he was lonely. This was years ago, long before he met me.
His ex wife is a horrible money grabbing manipulating alcoholic. Knowing what he did did not stop me from wanting him. I could not understand why he married her, and understood why he did it.
When people are young they make mistakes. It does not mean they are bad people surely ?

Peanutbutterblood · 25/02/2021 06:45

If he'd been open and honest like that i would give him a chance. First sign of anything fishy hed be gone though.

When my dh and I were young (we met when he was 22) he'd never been faithful to a girlfriend and admitted that but hes never cheated on me

B33Fr33 · 25/02/2021 06:49

Not personally. They've admitted they aren't trustworthy and to lying etc. It doesn't matter what falls out of their mouth. Wouldn't be worth my time friendship sympathy or anything like a relationship. Cheats cheat in EVERY way without thinking.

ColdBrightClearMorning · 25/02/2021 07:02

No. Not a chance.

Not saying he’s a bad person or can’t have changed, just that I’m not taking that risk with my own emotions and health. Absolutely no way. I’d happily leave him for someone who didn’t mind or felt okay with it and part with best wishes.

Henrysmycat · 25/02/2021 07:16

Smile I love how so many said “I wouldn’t date him”, like you’d have a clue if your next partner/squeeze cheated on his exes or if he’d tell you.
Ahaha. Unless most of you married someone straight out of primary school and you’ve kept him in shackles, you’d really have no idea.
OP, I’d date him. You have absolutely no knowledge of his circumstances. It’s not like the next guy on Tinder would be the St Francis of Assisi and this one is a monster.

Morgoth · 25/02/2021 07:56

@Henrysmycat

Smile I love how so many said “I wouldn’t date him”, like you’d have a clue if your next partner/squeeze cheated on his exes or if he’d tell you. Ahaha. Unless most of you married someone straight out of primary school and you’ve kept him in shackles, you’d really have no idea. OP, I’d date him. You have absolutely no knowledge of his circumstances. It’s not like the next guy on Tinder would be the St Francis of Assisi and this one is a monster.
People are meaning if they had information at hand to make a decision based on. Of course if you didn’t know or he lied then you’d have no way of knowing. Just like nobody would have no way of knowing if their potential date was a former axe murderer, deadbeat dad, teenage arsonist or fraudester unless they had the information.

The question of this thread is would you enter into a relationship with someone you KNEW had cheated in the past. As in, you have the information at hand to make an informed decision or risk assessment from. Of course people enter relationships unknowingly with cheaters (or any other undesirable characteristic) that they might not have wanted to if they had known all the facts. That’s obvious. Nothing you can do. What’s being asked here is what decision would you make if you HAD the knowledge.

Sillysandy · 25/02/2021 08:07

Fifteen years ago, he admitted to it freely and expressed sincere regret? Yes of course.

My ex had never cheated on anyone and thought it was disgusting behaviour. In fact he was extremely morally judgemental and had some concerns about my past. He didn't truly know if we were compatible longterm but was giving it a go.

It turned out he was sleeping with sex workers throughout our entire relationship.

harknesswitch · 25/02/2021 08:21

My dh had an affair. It was when he was in his 20s and he's now in his 50s, we married a few years ago.

He full acknowledges what he did, why he did it and the carnage it caused. I think because if this, he's actually less likely to ever cheat again, he realised the heartbreak these things cause and the impact it has on people's lives. I'm not advocating people to have affairs, but sometimes people actually don't realise the devastation affairs cause unless they've either been cheated or, or cheated themselves. And before anyone jumps down my throat, my fist dh cheated on me and that's why the relationship ended, so I'm fully aware of the heartbreak they cause.

ColdBrightClearMorning · 25/02/2021 08:21

@Henrysmycat

Smile I love how so many said “I wouldn’t date him”, like you’d have a clue if your next partner/squeeze cheated on his exes or if he’d tell you. Ahaha. Unless most of you married someone straight out of primary school and you’ve kept him in shackles, you’d really have no idea. OP, I’d date him. You have absolutely no knowledge of his circumstances. It’s not like the next guy on Tinder would be the St Francis of Assisi and this one is a monster.
Read the OP again. It’s asking whether you’d date someone with the knowledge that they’d cheated in the past.