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Original poster

would you date someone who had an affair in previous marriage?

95 replies

crochetmonkey74 · 24/02/2021 14:06

Friend is internet dating and has met a nice man- he divorced 15 years ago and has had 2 shorter relationships in between. He has told her that in his first marriage he had an affair and it was the worst mistake of his life. I'm going to be dating again soon and wasn't sure what to think of this- is it a case of leopard never changing his spots or can people genuinely make one infidelity mistake? I'm not sure how I will feel about this when it is my turn to date- what do you all think?

OP posts:
DeeCeeCherry · 24/02/2021 14:30

At least he admitted it. There are likely a good number of women dating a man who did the same and they don't even know it

Original poster
crochetmonkey74 · 24/02/2021 14:30

@Amigoingmad29weeks

I would. But cautiously. You don't know the circumstances. Of course you will also likely never know the full story, only his version. But yes, I believe you can make a mistake and learn from it. You can also continually make the same mistake over and over again though, hence the caution.
This is what I think I would struggle with - only knowing his version- and if he's kept anything else from you etc

He has never blamed the wife- made it clear it was all him but sometimes I think that's a bit 'nice guy martyr' act

OP posts:
Original poster
crochetmonkey74 · 24/02/2021 14:32

@ClarkeGriffin

Nope. Chances are he'll do it again.

Someone who can betray their partner who they proclaim to love is a liar, liars rarely change. There's plenty of people who wouldn't do that, why waste my time without someone who has shown they would?

This is my view- but wasn't sure I was being too harsh

Also, I know myself and it could spark major insecurity/ mistrust in me

OP posts:
Original poster
crochetmonkey74 · 24/02/2021 14:34

@Loopyloututu2

I cheated when I was very young and in an unhappy relationship (no excuse and it was the biggest mistake I ever made, although I don’t regret ending the relationship with my then bf).

Been with dh 20 years and never so much as looked at another man so 🤷‍♀️. I wonder why he told your friend though! Seems strange.

I guess he told her as he still sees his children, if they stay together she may find out- I think it would have been stranger not to say and have her find out and doubt him at a later date
OP posts:
Original poster
crochetmonkey74 · 24/02/2021 14:36

@DeeCeeCherry

At least he admitted it. There are likely a good number of women dating a man who did the same and they don't even know it
Reading this thread- this just occurred to me too- there I am thinking 'If a man tells me this what will I do?' and of course , they may never tell me!
OP posts:
ClarkeGriffin · 24/02/2021 14:38

Also, I know myself and it could spark major insecurity/ mistrust in me

Yeah it would with me too. I wouldn't be able to trust them. He's married someone, vowed to never betray them and to love them always no matter what, and had an affair anyway. In my eyes, he can be someone else's problem.

toocold54 · 24/02/2021 14:40

I wouldn't even begin to waste my time with him.

I’m really surprised by some of the replies!

15 years ago is a very long time and he is very honest and remorseful of it and knows the consequences.
I would probably trust him over someone who isn’t upfront as they could have had affairs but just not been honest or just as likely to have one in the future.

StormBaby · 24/02/2021 14:40

I had an emotional affair, then had the same done to me by a long term partner a few years later. (Having said that my ex DH was messaging a colleague behind my back too).

I am now remarried and I would never ever cheat on him. People are capable of changing.

Boonlark · 24/02/2021 14:42

No. One of my ex dp cheated in a previous relationship. He made all the right noises about regretting it and never blamed his ex for it. After we split he complained about how he not cheated on me during our shortish relationship despite being tempted to...as if I should be grateful for that. He made it very clear that he resented me because of it. He still has a cheating mindset, but he just learnt how to pretend he didn't.

GirlInterruptedAgain · 24/02/2021 14:45

On one hand what’s in the past is in the past and has no bearing on a current relationship. On the other it’s maybe a heads up, but if he is genuinely remorseful, regrettable etc I should think it’s a decision based on its own merits. I couldn’t see myself having a blanket rule that it would rule someone out tbh.

caringcarer · 24/02/2021 14:45

Probably not. Why go looking for trouble? Lots of perfectly mice men who don't cheat to date.

Viviennemary · 24/02/2021 14:47

Yes. He could easily have concealed it.

nokidshere · 24/02/2021 14:48

No

RumJerrySailorRum · 24/02/2021 14:56

Yes. And I married him.

fdgdfgdfgdfg · 24/02/2021 15:08

I cheated on an ex. We weren't married, but was a fairly serious relationship.

I was 21, I was a moron. I've since grown up and hopefully become less of a moron. I wouldn't cheat now, I've seen firsthand how it affects people. Do I think that I should be offlimits for the rest of my life because I was a twat when I was younger. Not particularly.

My Dad on the other hand is a serial cheater, he cheated on my mother multiple times while I was growing up, and has overlapped with women ever since. He has not grown, he is still a moron. I don't get introduced to his women any more because I don't lie for him. My opinion is that anyone who wants to get into a relationship with him deserves to know what they're getting into.

Its been 15 years since this guys marriage, thats enough time for a complete personality transplant. He's been open and honest about his past failings, I'd say he deserves a chance.

Original poster
crochetmonkey74 · 24/02/2021 15:09

Rum how did you approach it? has it ever been an issue?

I am not sure I could trust enough

OP posts:
LaVitaPuoEsserePiuBella · 24/02/2021 15:16

No, I wouldn't.

Lweji · 24/02/2021 15:30

he was 35 ish when marriage broke up, there was a child or children (not sure how many)

Ah, that's not good. At 35 he should have been more mature. And that he cheated with children (possibly young) is a red flag for a committed relationship.

Justanotherfaceinthecrowd · 24/02/2021 16:32

Absolutely not!
My ex husband cheated on his 1st wife. Promised me he had changed. All a mistake. Never truely loved her etc etc... a few blissful years where I tristed him implicitly.
He left me for another woman. Im sorry a leopard never changes it's spots. Not ever.

LeSquigh · 24/02/2021 16:32

A leopard can and does change its spots. I had an affair when I was married, my current DP knows this happened and it took him a longish time to trust me because of it. However I would never behave like that again. Whilst I did have many (what I think are valid) reasons for doing what I did I absolutely wouldn’t put myself or anyone else through that again.

Thelnebriati · 24/02/2021 16:34

Probably not, but I would be interested to know why he thought it was the worst mistake of his life. If he talked about how he hurt his partner and lost the relationship, I might proceed with caution.
If he talked about the massive inconvenience and expense of having to find somewhere new to live and manage as a single bloke I'd run like the wind.

Babyroobs · 24/02/2021 16:35

My dh had an affair with a married woman prior to meeting me but doesn't see himself being at fault because he was not the one cheating. Not really sure how I feel about this to be honest but we've been together 21 years and he has been faithful to me as far as I know.

thepeopleversuswork · 24/02/2021 16:42

It totally depends.

Depends on how (and when in the course of your relationship) he explains it to you. Depends on how much regret he expresses. Depends on how he characterised his reasons (ie did he acknowledge he was wrong, or did he say "my wife didn't understand me"). Depends on how old he was at the time. Depends depends depends.

It's a red flag, but affairs happen in relationships. An affair shouldn't lead to an automatic bar on that person ever finding happiness again. Use your judgement.

VinylDetective · 24/02/2021 16:46

@DeeCeeCherry

At least he admitted it. There are likely a good number of women dating a man who did the same and they don't even know it
Just thinking exactly the same thing. Fifteen years is a hell of a long time.
OverTheRubicon · 24/02/2021 16:49

@DeeCeeCherry

At least he admitted it. There are likely a good number of women dating a man who did the same and they don't even know it
This is my thought. Something huge like 70% of men have cheated (though not all at 35 with kids, of course), and a majority of women also - chances are that most women out there are hooked up to former cheaters, whether they know it or not.

That said, 35 and with a young child or two would make me very uncomfortable. Circumstances matter a lot though - whether the poor wife thought she was in a happy marriage, or whether there had been a lot of difficulty long before the affair.

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