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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To end my relationship? Please help

99 replies

LauraJ9041 · 23/02/2021 08:36

Hi All,

I have just created an account to post this as I’m desperate for some advice.

I broke up with my partner at the weekend and I’m heartbroken (I’m 27 and he is 28 and we have been together for 2 years). We had a really nice relationship for the most part and he was a good man beside the problems we were having, and that problem is his drinking and drug taking.

I can count on one hand the amount of weekends we have actually spent together because one day is always dedicated to getting drunk and taking cocaine with his friends. Now I would like to note that I have no problem with him seeing his friends, I think it’s healthy to do so and we both like our own space. However he will stay up until daft o clock and spend the rest of the weekend hungover, which is when he will want to see me. He also engages in risky behaviours like getting in cars with drunk drivers and doesn’t see the problem here..tells me not to worry about him as it’s ‘his life’ and he will live it how he chooses.

Things came to a head a couple of weeks ago when I had not heard from him by 3pm on Saturday so I was worried and went to go and check on him, only to find him still drinking and off his face on god knows what with his friend. I wanted to break up with him and explained how this was all making me feel a few days later and he promised me that he would sort it out and learn his limits, and mainly prove to me that I am a priority in his life.

Fast forward to this weekend, we arranged to see each other on Saturday night (he is in my lockdown bubble, whereas he is still seeing his friends which is also another problem in itself). On Friday he tried to say he was going to see his friend on Saturday and asked if he could see me on Sunday instead and this caused an argument as the weekend before he had convinced me not to end things with him and said he would prove I am a priority?! I tried to compromise and ask if I could see him afterwards and he basically said no as he doesn’t like to ‘bounce around everywhere’ (even though he’s been with me before and left to go and see his mates afterwards, but is clearly incapable of doing the same for me). Anyway, he used this argument as an excuse to see his friends again and get drunk, and I just accepted defeat and said I’d see him on Sunday. It gets to 1:30am and he text me saying he was walking home (baring in mind I didn’t actually text to ask him this and he had been out since around 7pm drinking and promised me he would learn to call it a night at a decent time). However (and this is what I feel bad for), he still uses snapchat which had his location linked to it. I checked this and he had taken a picture outside of his house, presumably to convince me that he had gone home, and then jumped in his mates car and gone off elsewhere to continue his night. I politely asked where he was and he said at home. I asked him not to lie to me and he said walking home (he wasn’t). So I told him he was taking the piss and went to sleep.

The following day he just went off on one with me. Said he wasn’t gonna do this anymore and felt like he was in a glass house and he stayed out late ‘big whoop’...‘I’m not exactly out cheating on you am I’.

I’m obviously heartbroken as I did love him, but he’s now been messaging me trying to blame me for the situation for criticising him and not making him feel loved? I literally go to his and cook for him, clean his room (he still lives at home whereas I live elsewhere in a flat), ask how his day has gone..all while he plays on his PlayStation all night and barely shows me any attention. Yet I haven’t shown him love because I call him out on his reckless behaviour? I’ve been so patient and understanding that he needs to see his mates so regularly, but they all drink and take cocaine too so it’s taken it’s toll on me mentally. I feel like I’m always last priority and he doesn’t respect my feelings at all. Please still bare in mind that I tried to break up with him very recently and he convinced me that he would sort things out, and this all happened the weekend after. Am I unreasonable for wanting more from this relationship? He says I’m more like his teacher than his partner which I get, but would I need to act like his teacher if he didn’t behave like a 16 year old? All I wanted is to just have a happy and stable relationship with him but it started to feel impossible. Maybe we are just at different stages of our life, even though he talks about living together and having kids. It’s all very confusing for me. Any advice would be welcome, & sorry for the essay!

OP posts:
Peanutbutterblood · 23/02/2021 08:41

He sounds like an absolute waster. Definitely get rid, you deserve so much better

LizzieBirmingham · 23/02/2021 08:47

My advice is to recognise that you’ve done absolutely the right thing, and block his number. He loves drugs more than you and has shown himself incapable of putting you first, or even being nice to you. You’ve already done way too much for him, it’s time to walk away without looking back.

GabriellaMontez · 23/02/2021 08:47

Please dont get back with him. He sounds awful. Your story makes my blood run cold. There are some great people out there. He is a total dud.

KellyJonesLeatherTrousers · 23/02/2021 08:48

Don’t waste any more time on this man. Seriously, you’re going round and cleaning his room? Please just stop.

cochineal7 · 23/02/2021 08:48

I know it doesn’t feel like this now but in a short time you will wonder why on earth you ever put up with that.

KellyJonesLeatherTrousers · 23/02/2021 08:49

I voted YABU because you’re being unreasonable expecting more from this relationship!

BrumBoo · 23/02/2021 08:53

I mean yabu for several reasons. Being a martyr to a man child, doing his cleaning and cooking, saying its 'confusing for you' even though he's spelled out he doesn't really want you or the fact you play 'teacher' with him (but quite happy for a
second mummy), him (and you) acting like lockdown isn't a thing.....

CallistoSol · 23/02/2021 08:55

Well he's clearly a twat, but honestly, how can you love and respect someone who is happy to use something that causes so much misery and suffering in the supply chain?

Original poster
LauraJ9041 · 23/02/2021 08:56

I appreciate part of what you have said but how am I acting like lockdown isn’t a thing when I live on my own and I’m allowed to form a bubble with another household?

OP posts:
SomewhereOverTheRainybow · 23/02/2021 08:57

You can do so much better. Is this someone you want to possibly have children with in the future? You are bound to feel heartbroken after two years of being in a relationship but I the long run you will be glad that you left.

WhereDoMyBluebirdsFly · 23/02/2021 08:58

There is literally nothing in your post that gives the impression he's boyfriend material. He:

  • takes drugs
  • has risky behaviour
  • lies to you
  • still lives at home in his late 20s

I voted YABU because this man is clearly bad news, yet you're continually trying to force him into a stable and loving relationship. He doesn't want that! He wants to take drugs and be a dick every weekend. It's like you want a pet, so instead of getting a dog or a cat like a normal person, you've dragged a rabid possum in from outside and are now complaining that it isn't housetrained and it bites you.

You are doing too much for him anyway. Always being Miss Reliable who he can pick up and drop at will. Why are you cleaning his mum's house, cooking for him and politely asking why he lied to you? Does he clean your flat? Does he cook for you? Why are you so intent on having a relationship at any costs? If you don't respect yourself, nobody else will respect you. Please consider getting therapy because you sound like a 'rescuer' and that's not going to be a happy life for you.

Notanotherhun · 23/02/2021 08:59

Oh my god. Get rid. Have some self respect and walk away. He sounds like an absolute waste of space.

FOJN · 23/02/2021 08:59

I say this with kindness but if you have to ask whether you are unreasonable to expect more and are seriously considering that you may carry some blame in this situation then I think you have some issues with boundaries and self esteem.

I am at a loss to understand what you love about this manchild. You sound much more sorted than he is and you could do much better. Playing second fiddle to drink and drugs will further erode your self esteem. No one in a relationship should have to negotiate being a higher priority than getting wasted. Walk away now, if he is unable to control his drink and drug use to make time for you then he has a problem, it will get worse and it is not your problem to fix.

LeaveMyDamnJam · 23/02/2021 09:01

The best relationship decision you have made in the last 2 years.

Original poster
LauraJ9041 · 23/02/2021 09:01

Hi all, I’m not sure how to respond to specific comments (and my earlier one was directed at the person who said I was acting like lockdown doesn’t exist which is not true as I am allowed to see one of her household since I live alone). I completely see what everyone is saying..I should explain that I didn’t know the extent of the problem and it has got a lot worse during lockdown as I can’t go out and see my own friends etc.). When he is not letting me down in this way, he is a lovely person who I get along with very well and I thought I might be able to accept him for who he is and wants to be but I just can’t

OP posts:
sst1234 · 23/02/2021 09:02

OP, not to be rude, what did you see in this waster? Doesn’t sound like catch of the century.

Myheadmyheart · 23/02/2021 09:03

What are you doing? Don’t question yourself. You would have to put up with this nonsense for years if you stayed with him.

Notanotherhun · 23/02/2021 09:04

Life is too long to deal with someone who doesn't treat you like the most important person in their life. You deserve a partner who is reliable, who makes you breakfast in the mornings, who pulls their weight in every way and treats you with respect. Walk away.

FranklySonImTheGaffer · 23/02/2021 09:06

Ignore the Covid / lockdown police. They pop up on pretty much every thread.

You've made the right decision. Now you need to prepare yourself for what's coming - he is going to blame you, deflect all of the fault to you and at some point, he will likely change tact and start apologising, being nice and promising the world.

The easiest way to deal with that is to not engage at all. Send a final message if you want (something to say you don't accept blame, he isn't giving you what you need from a relationship, you've decided that it's over so he can stop contacting you now). Then block him on everything.

Line up a few things to occupy you - work, zoom with friends, hobbies etc. The aim is to be distracted while this is happening.

At some point relatively soon you'll realise you don't miss him and what a complete waste of time he was.

FolkyFoxFace · 23/02/2021 09:06

He sounds like an idiot. Move on. As my dad used to say, you won't even remember his face in two years time. (He was always right - you forget the bad ones very easily. All you remember is the dickish behaviour, and how glad you are you moved on!)

C0RAL · 23/02/2021 09:06

He’s not in a relationship with you. He’s in a relationship with his mates and alcohol and drugs.

You are just his his housekeeper who he shags.

I’m sorry to be so blunt but you need to move on from “ But I lurve him” and be honest with yourself.

Delete and block. And get yourself some counselling to work out why you have allowed yourself to be used like this for two years. And please don’t date again until you’ve done some serious work on yourself.

You deserve better than this. I can see that and so can everyone else reading this thread. So you need to work out why you can’t see it.

I’m also wondering why none of your friends and family have told you this at some point in the last two years. Have you been lying to them about how he treats you ? Or is this what they think is normal ?

anynamewilldo2021 · 23/02/2021 09:08

You sound like a lovely decent person.

Please run as fast as you can. This man has nothing to offer you.

I know it will be painful in the short term, but in the long term it will for the best.

Unanananana · 23/02/2021 09:08

He sounds revolting. Drink, drugs and is still living at home. And you go round and clean his room for him?? Am I reading this correctly because it is baffling?! I hope he has a glittery, vibrating penis because that would be his only good point.

Stop waiting around for this thing to grow up and find someone worthy of you. For goodness sake raise your bar!

Rooroobear · 23/02/2021 09:08

You’ve just answered your own question....you thought you could do it but you can’t. Be done and don’t look back or question your decision. He’s lovely when he’s not getting wasted and coked up but sounds like he’s getting wasted and coked up a lot. Move on, find someone who is actually an adult. Don’t let him blame you. I hate that shit “it’s your fault because you treat me like this and that” he lies to you...that would be it for me. Block him, don’t give him a second thought.

MzHz · 23/02/2021 09:09

@WhereDoMyBluebirdsFly

There is literally nothing in your post that gives the impression he's boyfriend material. He:
  • takes drugs
  • has risky behaviour
  • lies to you
  • still lives at home in his late 20s

I voted YABU because this man is clearly bad news, yet you're continually trying to force him into a stable and loving relationship. He doesn't want that! He wants to take drugs and be a dick every weekend. It's like you want a pet, so instead of getting a dog or a cat like a normal person, you've dragged a rabid possum in from outside and are now complaining that it isn't housetrained and it bites you.

You are doing too much for him anyway. Always being Miss Reliable who he can pick up and drop at will. Why are you cleaning his mum's house, cooking for him and politely asking why he lied to you? Does he clean your flat? Does he cook for you? Why are you so intent on having a relationship at any costs? If you don't respect yourself, nobody else will respect you. Please consider getting therapy because you sound like a 'rescuer' and that's not going to be a happy life for you.

I know this is probably hard to hear @LauraJ9041, but honestly please listen to it.

What would you say to a friend who was going through all this and still going back for more? You’d tell her to give herself a slap! Smile

Please learn to love yourself the way you love others, then you’ll see how crap a bargain you were getting and help you expect more

You can do this. We’re here to give you a shake or you need it