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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To end my relationship? Please help

99 replies

LauraJ9041 · 23/02/2021 08:36

Hi All,

I have just created an account to post this as I’m desperate for some advice.

I broke up with my partner at the weekend and I’m heartbroken (I’m 27 and he is 28 and we have been together for 2 years). We had a really nice relationship for the most part and he was a good man beside the problems we were having, and that problem is his drinking and drug taking.

I can count on one hand the amount of weekends we have actually spent together because one day is always dedicated to getting drunk and taking cocaine with his friends. Now I would like to note that I have no problem with him seeing his friends, I think it’s healthy to do so and we both like our own space. However he will stay up until daft o clock and spend the rest of the weekend hungover, which is when he will want to see me. He also engages in risky behaviours like getting in cars with drunk drivers and doesn’t see the problem here..tells me not to worry about him as it’s ‘his life’ and he will live it how he chooses.

Things came to a head a couple of weeks ago when I had not heard from him by 3pm on Saturday so I was worried and went to go and check on him, only to find him still drinking and off his face on god knows what with his friend. I wanted to break up with him and explained how this was all making me feel a few days later and he promised me that he would sort it out and learn his limits, and mainly prove to me that I am a priority in his life.

Fast forward to this weekend, we arranged to see each other on Saturday night (he is in my lockdown bubble, whereas he is still seeing his friends which is also another problem in itself). On Friday he tried to say he was going to see his friend on Saturday and asked if he could see me on Sunday instead and this caused an argument as the weekend before he had convinced me not to end things with him and said he would prove I am a priority?! I tried to compromise and ask if I could see him afterwards and he basically said no as he doesn’t like to ‘bounce around everywhere’ (even though he’s been with me before and left to go and see his mates afterwards, but is clearly incapable of doing the same for me). Anyway, he used this argument as an excuse to see his friends again and get drunk, and I just accepted defeat and said I’d see him on Sunday. It gets to 1:30am and he text me saying he was walking home (baring in mind I didn’t actually text to ask him this and he had been out since around 7pm drinking and promised me he would learn to call it a night at a decent time). However (and this is what I feel bad for), he still uses snapchat which had his location linked to it. I checked this and he had taken a picture outside of his house, presumably to convince me that he had gone home, and then jumped in his mates car and gone off elsewhere to continue his night. I politely asked where he was and he said at home. I asked him not to lie to me and he said walking home (he wasn’t). So I told him he was taking the piss and went to sleep.

The following day he just went off on one with me. Said he wasn’t gonna do this anymore and felt like he was in a glass house and he stayed out late ‘big whoop’...‘I’m not exactly out cheating on you am I’.

I’m obviously heartbroken as I did love him, but he’s now been messaging me trying to blame me for the situation for criticising him and not making him feel loved? I literally go to his and cook for him, clean his room (he still lives at home whereas I live elsewhere in a flat), ask how his day has gone..all while he plays on his PlayStation all night and barely shows me any attention. Yet I haven’t shown him love because I call him out on his reckless behaviour? I’ve been so patient and understanding that he needs to see his mates so regularly, but they all drink and take cocaine too so it’s taken it’s toll on me mentally. I feel like I’m always last priority and he doesn’t respect my feelings at all. Please still bare in mind that I tried to break up with him very recently and he convinced me that he would sort things out, and this all happened the weekend after. Am I unreasonable for wanting more from this relationship? He says I’m more like his teacher than his partner which I get, but would I need to act like his teacher if he didn’t behave like a 16 year old? All I wanted is to just have a happy and stable relationship with him but it started to feel impossible. Maybe we are just at different stages of our life, even though he talks about living together and having kids. It’s all very confusing for me. Any advice would be welcome, & sorry for the essay!

OP posts:

GettingItOutThere · 23/02/2021 10:38

OP you are just a shag

hes in a relationship with his drugs and drink, get some self respect, block him and do better

blunt - but you arnt going to listen to nicey nicey are you?

Rockinmomma · 23/02/2021 10:43

OP, I’ve tried to PM you but can’t
Are you still here?

Chickychickydodah · 23/02/2021 11:00

Get rid, you don’t want to be with someone like this, you deserve someone better .

Ellie56 · 23/02/2021 11:05

He is not a "good man". He is a complete twat and a waste of space.

Just dump him, block him and carry on with the therapy.

You can do better than him. You deserve better.

BidensWingWoman · 23/02/2021 11:08

He might be the loveliest person when sober, but he's not going to change until he wants to - if ever.

You have so much life ahead of you, don't do what I did and waste precious years thinking that things would change. It wasn't worth it

curiouscat123 · 23/02/2021 11:32

Unfortunately, you have to walk away from this relationship...

I have a friend who was with a guy who behaved in exactly the same. She could never accept his lifestyle, they constantly argued about it and their relationship ended when he admitted that he got so off his face on drugs that he slept with another girl.

WhereYouLeftIt · 23/02/2021 11:34

@LauraJ9041

Thank you everyone for your responses. For those of you telling me I should get therapy, I actually have been having therapy and there is obviously more to the situation and to why I have low self esteem etc. which is not related to this situation. Like I mentioned, other than this problem we have had a nice relationship and he has constantly spoken about our future etc which gave me just enough hope to wait it out. But obviously things have got worse not better and they aren’t going to get better which is why I chose to break up with him. I do have my life together, I have my own flat, a good job and great family and friends. I just fell for the wrong person and was too understanding and patient when I shouldn’t have been. When this problem is tied up with seeing his closest friends, it was easy for him to spin the whole ‘i’m just seeing my mates’ card, and I’m never going to tell someone they can’t do that, so instead I chose to walk away

@LauraJ9041, please recognise that your self-esteem issues, whilst they may not have been caused by this relationship, most certainly won't be helped by it either. As has already been mentioned, best to stay away from relationships whilst you work on the self-esteem. Get it repaired first, or it will most likely stay low due to being driven down by men like him.

"Like I mentioned, other than this problem we have had a nice relationship"
Respectfully, you do not have a nice relationship. Everything you have posted screams that. Your low self-esteem is telling you it's a nice relationship, because somehow you've come to believe this is what you deserve, in fact you believe you don't even deserve this, which is why you think it's nice . It's not. He treats you appallingly. I found the mention of you cleaning his room quite heartbreaking. That you demean yourself in this way - he lives with his mother, he's 28 and you clean his room while he's sitting on his Playstation - it's heartbreaking. You trying to find things to make him appreciate you (which he's incapable of) screams low self-esteem.

"... and he has constantly spoken about our future etc which gave me just enough hope to wait it out."
Which was his intention. As well as being a manchild, he's a manipulative little shit. Dangles the carrot, just enough crumbs to keep you on board, cleaning his room, cooking for him, shagging him. And the photo outside his house - calculating, devious, sly little bastard.

"but he’s now been messaging me trying to blame me for the situation for criticising him and not making him feel loved?"
Of course he is. He takes no responsibility for his own actions and the inevitable consequences of those actions. He thought he had you so hooked with his future-faking and that he could treat you as badly as he pleased. Now he's found that he couldn't, he's in a childish rage and throwing the blame on you because otherwise he'd have to blame himself and he's not going to do that, is he? He's lying, just like with that photograph. He thinks it will get him what he wants, a docile little maid/shag. Don't let it work; he's lying, the fault is his.

Work on that self-esteem. Ending your relationship with him is a good start. Block him on every channel. Walk away and never - NEVER - go back to him. ((hug))

Youllbeoldertoo · 23/02/2021 11:43

Leave and don’t look back, he’s done you a massive favour letting g you go. In a few months you’ll be so glad you’re not with this waster. Please please don’t look back! You’ve just got your life back, this is a gift!

Newbie202012 · 23/02/2021 12:17

I was in a relationship like that befor he was doing the same thing my experience was i the one always waiting for him he only c me when his friends weren't seshining, tbh looking bk it was a one way relationship his priority were with his pals n the sniff and drink then he started asking for money like Ia idiot i gave in and gave it to him then he expected it all the time he also started saying he was at a certain places whe he wasnt and when I confronted him it was all about him n made it out to b my fault so then I started feeling like there was something wrong with me I eventually ended it, it was hard but it was the best decision I've ever made I'm not saying yours is doing the same but I found out later that he was cheating when he was running around of his face so my advice is move on people on drugs only think about themselves and what they are taking and the drug pals who contribute to the sesh , THEY will always come first no matter what u do. hes already lied to you so that's shows hes not trust worthy move on n be happy cos if u stay in that relationship you will always have heart ach u deserve better

RubyTuesdayBlues1 · 23/02/2021 12:48

You say he talks about having children - have you thought about what life would be like for you and your children if you stayed together? I mean he's a grown man and you clean his room for him? You shouldn't do it and he shouldn't let you. Even if he sorted out the partying, he doesn't sounds capable of living with another adult in an equal relationship.

Please be nicer to yourself OP.

PiscesScot · 23/02/2021 13:19

He’s a waste of space - block & delete, take time to look after yourself and don’t look back.

What’s the alternative really? Fast forward another couple of years and you’ve had his child, doing all the adult stuff yourself and being made to feel miserable.

Leave him to his addictions and get on with your life.

MerryDecembermas · 23/02/2021 13:24

He is married to drugs.

Leave him to it.

Maybe get some counselling to help you work out why you thought loving this man was true love.

Please delete and block, cut him out of your life and move on ASAP

Nanny0gg · 23/02/2021 13:25

@LauraJ9041

I appreciate part of what you have said but how am I acting like lockdown isn’t a thing when I live on my own and I’m allowed to form a bubble with another household?

Well, you knew he wasn't observing lockdown rules.

Just block him.

CaptainVanesHair · 23/02/2021 13:29

Everyone has good and bad points. What you’re doing is projecting the ‘lovely’ parts into your idea of who you want him to be but who he isn’t.

So he’s blamed you for the break up? So what. You know why you’ve broken up. Hashing out the finer details doesn’t end well and it doesn’t matter what he says. He can think what he likes, that doesn’t have to be your business anymore.

You’re in the grieving stage. The what if / if only stage. It won’t help. Believe me, that hurt goes away. You fill your life up with yourself and realise being ‘alone’ has its own perks. And then you meet new people and your experience hopefully means you have stronger boundaries and better self esteem.

He can be angry and lash out. That’s human. You don’t have to listen to it or engage with it. Buy yourself your favourite food, watch your favourite movie. Know that sometimes you’ll miss him, feel it and let it pass. It won’t be long until you don’t miss him.

VinylDetective · 23/02/2021 13:32

You’ve dodged a bullet. Well done.

An0n0n0n · 23/02/2021 14:26

Oh lovey I feel for you. I had almost this exact relationship.

Easy for me to say now I'm long shot of it but dumping him is the best thing you will ever do. He isn't ready to grow up and you will cripple your self esteem "supporting and helping" him because he doesn't want to change.

If you stick around and IF he ever grows up there will be too much other damage from fights and rows and resentment to make it something shiny.

It is honestly amazing what a few months space and new people can do for you.

Chin up and keep strong.

Justgorgeous · 23/02/2021 15:06

I went out with someone like this. He was in his 40s and most Fridays if he ignored his phone I knew he was on a bender ! He would do it by himself at home and watch loads of porn, then he was the nicest guy till it happened again. I finished it as he I had 2 young children from a previous relationship and there was no way I would move forward with someone like that. He had so many issues.

LaceyBetty · 23/02/2021 15:30

All I wanted is to just have a happy and stable relationship with him but it started to feel impossible

From what you have written, it is absolutely impossible with this man.

WilsonMilson · 23/02/2021 15:41

Stopped reading at drug taking. Get rid op. He won’t put you before his need to get wasted. You’re far too young to saddle yourself with this shit, you want a man you can respect and who will put you first.

Don’t look back.

bitheby · 23/02/2021 15:43

I wonder what has happened to you to believe that what you feel for him is love. I too fall for totally unsuitable people that I think I can rescue but it never ends well. Please leave him and find someone who respects you and truly loves you.

MondeoFan · 23/02/2021 15:56

Once people start taking drugs it turns them into different people. They generally turn into nasty people.
He doesn't prioritise you and you know this yourself as you said when he is hungover that's when he wants to see you.
Does he even manage to hold down a job? He sounds like he's about 17 not 27.

Hhusky · 23/02/2021 17:29

Not unreasonable at all and you have absolutely done the right thing. Taking cocaine alone would be reason enough for me to end a relationship.
People like him will continue to be like this even when you have kids and you simply don't want to be alone at home with the baby while he's away off his head. It hurts like hell now but you will move on and you will find someone better for you.
Don't feed into his nasty comments. He broke his promises to you and treated you like an afterthought. You deserve better.

tsmainsqueeze · 23/02/2021 18:54

I should think your parents are worried ,i would be too if this were my daughter .
You have your own place, a job ,friends you absolutely do not need this crap specimen of a man , you should set your sights much higher than that.
You have probably discovered that there are plenty of strong women on here that would kick his arse through the door , i don't think many will be advising you to stay with him.

C0RAL · 23/02/2021 19:40

You have probably discovered that there are plenty of strong women on here that would kick his arse through the door , i don't think many will be advising you to stay with him

This is so true ! And as you say, lots more who would be raging if he was treating their daughter like this.

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