To end my relationship? Please help

[LauraJ9041]

Hi All,

I have just created an account to post this as I’m desperate for some advice.

I broke up with my partner at the weekend and I’m heartbroken (I’m 27 and he is 28 and we have been together for 2 years). We had a really nice relationship for the most part and he was a good man beside the problems we were having, and that problem is his drinking and drug taking.

I can count on one hand the amount of weekends we have actually spent together because one day is always dedicated to getting drunk and taking cocaine with his friends. Now I would like to note that I have no problem with him seeing his friends, I think it’s healthy to do so and we both like our own space. However he will stay up until daft o clock and spend the rest of the weekend hungover, which is when he will want to see me. He also engages in risky behaviours like getting in cars with drunk drivers and doesn’t see the problem here..tells me not to worry about him as it’s ‘his life’ and he will live it how he chooses.

Things came to a head a couple of weeks ago when I had not heard from him by 3pm on Saturday so I was worried and went to go and check on him, only to find him still drinking and off his face on god knows what with his friend. I wanted to break up with him and explained how this was all making me feel a few days later and he promised me that he would sort it out and learn his limits, and mainly prove to me that I am a priority in his life.

Fast forward to this weekend, we arranged to see each other on Saturday night (he is in my lockdown bubble, whereas he is still seeing his friends which is also another problem in itself). On Friday he tried to say he was going to see his friend on Saturday and asked if he could see me on Sunday instead and this caused an argument as the weekend before he had convinced me not to end things with him and said he would prove I am a priority?! I tried to compromise and ask if I could see him afterwards and he basically said no as he doesn’t like to ‘bounce around everywhere’ (even though he’s been with me before and left to go and see his mates afterwards, but is clearly incapable of doing the same for me). Anyway, he used this argument as an excuse to see his friends again and get drunk, and I just accepted defeat and said I’d see him on Sunday. It gets to 1:30am and he text me saying he was walking home (baring in mind I didn’t actually text to ask him this and he had been out since around 7pm drinking and promised me he would learn to call it a night at a decent time). However (and this is what I feel bad for), he still uses snapchat which had his location linked to it. I checked this and he had taken a picture outside of his house, presumably to convince me that he had gone home, and then jumped in his mates car and gone off elsewhere to continue his night. I politely asked where he was and he said at home. I asked him not to lie to me and he said walking home (he wasn’t). So I told him he was taking the piss and went to sleep.

The following day he just went off on one with me. Said he wasn’t gonna do this anymore and felt like he was in a glass house and he stayed out late ‘big whoop’...‘I’m not exactly out cheating on you am I’.

I’m obviously heartbroken as I did love him, but he’s now been messaging me trying to blame me for the situation for criticising him and not making him feel loved? I literally go to his and cook for him, clean his room (he still lives at home whereas I live elsewhere in a flat), ask how his day has gone..all while he plays on his PlayStation all night and barely shows me any attention. Yet I haven’t shown him love because I call him out on his reckless behaviour? I’ve been so patient and understanding that he needs to see his mates so regularly, but they all drink and take cocaine too so it’s taken it’s toll on me mentally. I feel like I’m always last priority and he doesn’t respect my feelings at all. Please still bare in mind that I tried to break up with him very recently and he convinced me that he would sort things out, and this all happened the weekend after. Am I unreasonable for wanting more from this relationship? He says I’m more like his teacher than his partner which I get, but would I need to act like his teacher if he didn’t behave like a 16 year old? All I wanted is to just have a happy and stable relationship with him but it started to feel impossible. Maybe we are just at different stages of our life, even though he talks about living together and having kids. It’s all very confusing for me. Any advice would be welcome, & sorry for the essay!

I was with someone like this for 3 years. It came to a head, I couldn't take the worry anymore. I told him it was me or the drugs, fully expecting him to choose the drugs. He chose me and hasn't drunk a drop of booze nor sniffed a line of coke since then. We are married and have a toddler and one on the way. Not telling you this to be a smug bastard, more that they can change, BUT have to want it for themselves. He was 31 when he made the decision. Maybe your boyfriend is still too young and enjoying the party life. If so, move on. There are plenty of non boozebags out there who'd be lucky to have you!

I didn't even need to read more than a few lines to know you've absolutely done the right thing in ending this relationship.

It won't get better until realises & addresses his issues around drugs & alcohol for himself & he won't do that with you

Does he think he can be a druggie and still have kids and a nice life?? :S you did the right thing. You deserve better and to be honest even 2 years is a long time to date someone on drugs.

I wouldn't ever, that's my straight up no no, drugs or too much alcohol because its not fair on any future children

If he’s off his face on booze and drugs and staying out to all hours you have no idea what he’s doing. He’s probably cheating too. You’ve already seen he can lie to you and doesn’t respect you enough.
Guys like this aren’t long term partner material. He sounds like a teenager.
I’ve loved someone too but walked away because I can see they aren’t right and there isn’t going to be a happy future. Your brain has to be stronger than your heart sometimes.

Also a few posters have suggested therapy etc. Just to let you know, don’t get too down on yourself about this. This happens to a lot of women, myself included. I and one of my best friends stayed in dead end abusive relationships like these for years in our twenties. And we both found our wonderful partners within 2 years of ending it. Life will get so much better for you! Don’t get sad get mad! Be OUTRAGED at how he’s treated you and focus on your self respect. That is the most important thing. Learn this lesson and never let anyone take away your self respect ever again xxxxxxx

You sound really lovely OP - I totally understand what its like to have self esteem issues, I have them, although over the years counselling has helped so I hope you are finding it worthwhile.

But although you say you have a good relationship when he's not letting you down, that actually translates as "when I am cooking and cleaning for him and he isn't blowing me out to get drunk or take drugs things are relatively ok" - that's not what you want for your life x

OP I would recommend reading back what you wrote. You do NOT have a “lovely” relationship. Stop saying that, it’s not true. When you say that to people in real life, do they roll their eyes at you?

This “relationship” is a massive symptom of your self esteem issues. If you had any self esteem, you wouldn’t have even done a first date. You’re not in a relationship, you’re an unpaid maid who he can shag.

I don’t think you should consider dating until you get much further into the therapy. You are lovely (and god I want to give you a hug) but you have zero boundaries and will keep getting taken advantage of by crapheaps like him.

I do have my life together, I have my own flat, a good job and great family and friends. I just fell for the wrong person and was too understanding and patient when I shouldn’t have been

You have a good life - good job, flat, friends and family. So why are you with this loser ?

It’s not about being “ kind and patient “. It’s not about “ falling for the the wrong person “. You talk as if choosing this man and then staying with him for two years is a moral virtue that makes you a good person.

It’s not. He was a poor choice in the first place and as soon as you saw what he was like, you should have dumped him. That’s what an emotionally healthy person with good boundaries would have done.

Are you a rescuer ? Are you drawn to men who are projects, who you think you can save with your pure and beautiful love ?

Do you choose men who you think have potential so you can fix them up?

Because you need to stop that right now and get some MORE counselling. The world is full of broken and damaged men who are looking for a a women to clean up their messes and wash their pants.

Unless you get some help you are going to leave this one and pick up another right away.

I’m sorry to be so blunt. But you need more than just “ Oh hun, it was just bad luck, you'll find another man tomorrow “.

You need to think about the poor choices that you made when you saw how he treated you and you stayed with him. Why you lied to your family about him. Why you have wasted two years of your life on him.

I know this isn’t what you want to read. But you have so much going for you and you deserve a good man who is your equal and will treat you as well as you treat him.

You need to fix your picker.

Also remember the opportunity cost: every year you waste on a dead end man is time when you could have met someone amazing ❤️ The best time to leave him was years ago, the second best time is today!

Google “sunk costs fallacy”. It’s the feeling that because you’ve invested so much, you should keep investing. It’s what keeps gamblers in the game. But it means instead of losing 2 years you lose 10. Don’t be that person!

You will look back on this and think what a lucky escape. He sounds exhausting. He takes drugs, ruins every weekend getting wasted then blames you? You realise you deserve and want more than this and have made the right decision.

I do think that a lot of people can fall for the wrong person and it can take a while sometimes before their eyes are fully opened to what is going on and realising it isn't acceptable. Your eyes have been opened and well done for seeing that this behaviour isn't okay at all.

I completely understand about the low self esteem aspect as that can and does influence decisions when getting into a relationship with someone as feel as if don't deserve better type thing.

But you do deserve so much better. You have given him chance after chance and he threw it away every single time despite knowing what it was doing to you. You should never have to go through that.

You sound like a lovely person and you deserve someone who treats you as a priority and good. You also do not need to waste your time on someone who would rather spend his time snorting coke and going out nonstop with his mates all the time instead of even making a simple effort for you.

The sneakiness of taking a photo and making out he was home and then going away again is another factor which shows he cannot be trusted and his reaction the next day about it speaks volumes. He knows what he is doing trying to make you feel bad about it when he is in the wrong.

I do think he views you as dependable and reliable and will always be there. Also the fact he has put drugs first so many times despite you saying to him shows where his priorities lie.

Well done on the counselling. You will come through this stronger and will honestly ask yourself in the future what you were ever doing with him. You deserve so much more

@LauraJ9041 Honestly just stick with the decision you've made. He doesn't sound like he's going to change any time soon. I know how you feel about still loving him, I wrote on here only two months ago about a kinda similar thing, but this feeling will go away. Do you really want to waste anymore time on him in the hope that he might change? I met my ex very early 30's and now I'm 35... My biggest regret is giving him that much of my time. In the long term you won't regret leaving such a wanker. You will regret the time you wasted on him where you could've been doing something (or someone!) else.

Not sure how anyone can live a waste of space like that. He puts other people's lives at risk.

You're not a priority of his. Don't give him the time of day. Block and delete. Move on and be a gajillion times happier

He's adding nothing real or meaningful to your life, in fact he can't do that as his priority is drink and drugs, and not you. Stay away from him and concentrate on yourself, your own life , what you need to do and work on so that you never again see someone like him as a good person to have a relationship with. You deserve so much more.

I’ll never understand the ‘he’s lovely and we have a lovely relationship except for when ’

People with fundamental problems like violence, problem drinking, substance abuse etc are not capable of ‘lovely relationships’ because lovely relationships aren’t full of periods of sever unhappiness and dysfunction.

We’re not talking about someone who likes to wear clashing colours that you don’t, or has a haircut you don’t like - he’s breaking the law in several ways, lying, and disregarding your feelings. Nothing there indicates the possibility of a good relationship.

Severe. Ffs I hate autocorrect 🤬

You sound lovely but a fool tbh.
What future did you dream about with a man like that? What were you waiting for?
To be able to cook, clean and raise his kids at home whilst he gets off his face with his mates and treat you like shit for the rest of your life?
I understand you can fall in love with wrong people and the absence of self esteem is obviously the problem here, but still... nothing is lovely or nice about your relationship.
He is a drug user, heavy drinker, shamelessly prioritise his mates over you, lies to you, blames you for his shit behaviour, manipulates you, uses you as a cook/maid and a distraction when recovering from his wild nights.
2 years of this is a long time. You deserve so much better. And trust me, there is so much better out there. You just need to really work on yourself and recognise your self worth.
One day you will look back and wonder how you let this happen to you.
Don't let this man back in your life. Run.

He is just trouble from the sound of it. If you want a normal loving, supportive relationship with a view to a future family then he is not your man.

Sorry honey but cocaine is more important to him than you and there is probably nothing you can do to change that.
Throw him back on the sea and find someone better - he sounds like an absolute loser

Men. Like. This. Do. Not. Change.

Know. Your. Worth.

He sounds like a total loser and you need to end the relationship because it's clearly got no future. Just imagine what it would be like if you lived together at your flat – he'd have his mates round drinking and taking coke all weekend. Is that really the life you want for yourself?

From an outside perspective it sounds like you are well rid of him. I am now in my mid-50s and my strong advice to younger women is to be really choosy in relationships. If he is behaving like this now, think about how it might work out if you have children, a mortgage and all the other things that come later in life. Most of my friends who set up home with such people regretted it, and it was messy and costly to sort out. Think carefully.

Sorry but he sounds like a complete scumbag and needs to do some serious growing up - he takes drugs, drinks to excess, condones drink driving, treats you like shit, blames you for the relationship breakdown. Seriously, what do you get from this relationship, you say you love him...why?

Sounds like a scummy, twat. You're going to kick yourself for not dumping him sooner.