To end my relationship? Please help

[LauraJ9041]

Hi All,

I have just created an account to post this as I’m desperate for some advice.

I broke up with my partner at the weekend and I’m heartbroken (I’m 27 and he is 28 and we have been together for 2 years). We had a really nice relationship for the most part and he was a good man beside the problems we were having, and that problem is his drinking and drug taking.

I can count on one hand the amount of weekends we have actually spent together because one day is always dedicated to getting drunk and taking cocaine with his friends. Now I would like to note that I have no problem with him seeing his friends, I think it’s healthy to do so and we both like our own space. However he will stay up until daft o clock and spend the rest of the weekend hungover, which is when he will want to see me. He also engages in risky behaviours like getting in cars with drunk drivers and doesn’t see the problem here..tells me not to worry about him as it’s ‘his life’ and he will live it how he chooses.

Things came to a head a couple of weeks ago when I had not heard from him by 3pm on Saturday so I was worried and went to go and check on him, only to find him still drinking and off his face on god knows what with his friend. I wanted to break up with him and explained how this was all making me feel a few days later and he promised me that he would sort it out and learn his limits, and mainly prove to me that I am a priority in his life.

Fast forward to this weekend, we arranged to see each other on Saturday night (he is in my lockdown bubble, whereas he is still seeing his friends which is also another problem in itself). On Friday he tried to say he was going to see his friend on Saturday and asked if he could see me on Sunday instead and this caused an argument as the weekend before he had convinced me not to end things with him and said he would prove I am a priority?! I tried to compromise and ask if I could see him afterwards and he basically said no as he doesn’t like to ‘bounce around everywhere’ (even though he’s been with me before and left to go and see his mates afterwards, but is clearly incapable of doing the same for me). Anyway, he used this argument as an excuse to see his friends again and get drunk, and I just accepted defeat and said I’d see him on Sunday. It gets to 1:30am and he text me saying he was walking home (baring in mind I didn’t actually text to ask him this and he had been out since around 7pm drinking and promised me he would learn to call it a night at a decent time). However (and this is what I feel bad for), he still uses snapchat which had his location linked to it. I checked this and he had taken a picture outside of his house, presumably to convince me that he had gone home, and then jumped in his mates car and gone off elsewhere to continue his night. I politely asked where he was and he said at home. I asked him not to lie to me and he said walking home (he wasn’t). So I told him he was taking the piss and went to sleep.

The following day he just went off on one with me. Said he wasn’t gonna do this anymore and felt like he was in a glass house and he stayed out late ‘big whoop’...‘I’m not exactly out cheating on you am I’.

I’m obviously heartbroken as I did love him, but he’s now been messaging me trying to blame me for the situation for criticising him and not making him feel loved? I literally go to his and cook for him, clean his room (he still lives at home whereas I live elsewhere in a flat), ask how his day has gone..all while he plays on his PlayStation all night and barely shows me any attention. Yet I haven’t shown him love because I call him out on his reckless behaviour? I’ve been so patient and understanding that he needs to see his mates so regularly, but they all drink and take cocaine too so it’s taken it’s toll on me mentally. I feel like I’m always last priority and he doesn’t respect my feelings at all. Please still bare in mind that I tried to break up with him very recently and he convinced me that he would sort things out, and this all happened the weekend after. Am I unreasonable for wanting more from this relationship? He says I’m more like his teacher than his partner which I get, but would I need to act like his teacher if he didn’t behave like a 16 year old? All I wanted is to just have a happy and stable relationship with him but it started to feel impossible. Maybe we are just at different stages of our life, even though he talks about living together and having kids. It’s all very confusing for me. Any advice would be welcome, & sorry for the essay!

God. Block him, cease all contact, try and do your best to move on. Only time will make things easier.

I’m betting this time next year you’ll look
back and shudder at the path your life might have taken had you stayed with him. You’ve done the right thing.

Better to be single than date someone who takes cocaine amongst his other faults.

Block him and never ever consider getting back with him.

Sorry but he sounds like an immature prat. There is no future in that relationship. If you want to settle down and have DC one day then it just won't work will it.

My parents have had their concerns and know that he has let me down before but they don’t know the extent of the problem. If they did then they would not think it was normal at all. I don’t think its normal and I do have some problems with self esteem, I have probably just tried to be too understanding about things and hoped that he would calm down with it all but he’a obviously not going to

Absolutely cut your losses and move on.

If this is what he’s like now with zero responsibilities he’s not going to improve is he?

You sound nice and together, find someone who deserves you. Honestly when you find that person you’ll wonder why you put up with his shit for so long

Do it for yourself, for your future happiness and well-being. Be selfish for once because it’s important!

He’s making his choices and needs to own them. If he’s chosen a different path from you so be it - as other posters often say,
he had shown you who and what he is, it’s up to you to listen.

Wishing you all the very best xxx

Jesus love, give your head a big wobble. Connect with friends safely to get out of this rut and get rid of this loser. He's cheating on you with drugs and drink. Have some respect !!
He will be on the stronger stuff when he cant get his usual gear - will you still fancy a sweaty, bad toothed H user? Not pleasant is it?

“He is a lovely person”.

Really? Sounds like a dickhead to me. Please block him and move on.

I'm early 30s with a child now but in our mid-late 20s my friends and I would often do similar. I don't miss it at all but it was fun at the time. If anyone started dating someone who wasn't into the same thing, inevitably they would lie to the boyfriend / girlfriend and see them as a restrictive burden.

I'm sorry you're sad OP but you've made the right decision. Your bf would have to want to stop and he doesn't.

@LauraJ9041

I appreciate part of what you have said but how am I acting like lockdown isn’t a thing when I live on my own and I’m allowed to form a bubble with another household?

You're excusing him breaking lockdown, and actively going around to his flat and mixing with him despite him evidently not keeping to the rules. What's the point of a 'bubble' when one person is carrying on like lockdown doesn't apply to them anyway?

Regardless, even without all that, have some self respect woman. Forming a bubble to essentially be a man-child's maid-and-shag, find some self worth for goodness sake.

He’s not making you a priority you’re getting the scrappy left over bits of time he’s giving you. He’s acting like a teenage boy. Get rid.

Laura please don't waste anymore of your time with this waster. You will always be second to the drink and drugs for him. Can you imagine if you had a child with him, you would be on your own with no support.

Don't try and change him, he won't. I made this mistake in my twenties, putting up with crap from immature so called men. Maybe you could get some counselling or read up on improving your self esteem.

Also, for goodness sake don't be cleaning up and running about after someone who doesn't deserve it!

Be kind to yourself and stay away from this man, you deserve so much better.

@KellyJonesLeatherTrousers

I voted YABU because you’re being unreasonable expecting more from this relationship!

I agree, I also voted YABU for this reason

Everyone on here is telling you from the outside looking in this man is a waste of space. He is not considerate of you, he will continue to let you down. He may well be "nice" some of the time but the way he treats you is not nice and it sounds like he puts alcohol, drugs and friends above you. Do you want this for the rest of your life? Fast forward 10 years and you're married, with 2 children, still no support from this man who puts alcohol and drugs above his family. You need to make decisions now which in the short term feel hard but in the long term will be the best thing you have ever done.

Just to be clear.: I mean we took recreational drugs and drank too much. NOT that we lived at home, played computer games and engaged in gaslighting!

I voted YABU because this man is clearly bad news, yet you're continually trying to force him into a stable and loving relationship. He doesn't want that! He wants to take drugs and be a dick every weekend. It's like you want a pet, so instead of getting a dog or a cat like a normal person, you've dragged a rabid possum in from outside and are now complaining that it isn't housetrained and it bites you.

This. This this this.

You don't want kids and marriage with this guy. The moment the sleepless nights start he'll be off to his mates' taking drugs because he's so "stressed" and everything will be your job. Everything.

Thank you everyone for your responses. For those of you telling me I should get therapy, I actually have been having therapy and there is obviously more to the situation and to why I have low self esteem etc. which is not related to this situation. Like I mentioned, other than this problem we have had a nice relationship and he has constantly spoken about our future etc which gave me just enough hope to wait it out. But obviously things have got worse not better and they aren’t going to get better which is why I chose to break up with him. I do have my life together, I have my own flat, a good job and great family and friends. I just fell for the wrong person and was too understanding and patient when I shouldn’t have been. When this problem is tied up with seeing his closest friends, it was easy for him to spin the whole ‘i’m just seeing my mates’ card, and I’m never going to tell someone they can’t do that, so instead I chose to walk away

It sounds miserable and hard work. You sound lovely and you will be so much happier without him. It will hurt for a bit and he will no doubt try to get you to stay with him (because he's a twat and you're awesome). Be strong, forget him and move on. Work on loving yourself and building your self esteem. You have a happy future ahead of you!! (I wish someone had told me this when I was in a dead end relationship at a similar age to you).

OP you sound absolutely lovely. Although too lovely to this waste of space! You have put up with so much crap from him. He is detestable. You sounds like you’ve been BEYOND reasonable and understanding and loving. In the nicest possible way you have been a bit of a pushover. You should not have ever stood for this crap and especially should not have cleaned his room!!!! You sound like an intelligent, lovely, respectful, decent young woman. He sounds like an absolute druggie childish loser. He does not want to grow up in a settled relationship and have kids. He wants to have his cake and eat it too, you slave away sorting the house work and kids and he carries on partying with his mates constantly. You deserve so so so so much more. And you’re so young you will easily find it soon! Please don’t question yourself, the only way you’ve been unreasonable is not leaving him sooner. Stay strong and stay away from this using abusive gas lighting arsehole! I know you love him but honestly soon you will be laughing about this in disbelief that you put up with him

You can 100% do better than this time waster. He’s shown you where his priorities are and they aren’t you.

I couldn't even read to the end of your first post because it was so appalling. If he dropped out of your life today and forever it would not be a moment too soon. It must be agonising for the people who actually love you to see you waste your time and energy on this hideous man. The only smart thing to do is to cut all ties with him and devote yourself to recovering. I don't know how you ended up confusing this horror show with love but in all seriousness I think you need to do a lot of work on boundaries before you can be in a healthy relationship. I doubt you'll listen but I'm posting on the off chance of a miracle happening.

What @WhereDoMyBluebirdsFly said

One day you’ll look back when you’ve met a decent man and think wtf was I thinking. Run and don’t look back

Block him. Don't let him lie his way out of 8t this time.

He sounds like a massive child!

Leg it!

If you met him now and he explained what he does and how he behaves would you go out with him? The answer here should be, "No."

It's good you are seeing a therapist because somewhere along the line things have gone very wrong with you. Dont try to hide behind being an excessively nice and patient person, bottom out what's really going on (hint: almost certainly self esteem issues) and change it. My mum's doing this now - only problem is she's 78 and has wasted 55 years on an awful man.