To ask how you handle backchat in 6yo's? Parenting help please

[GlitteryFluff]

Ds is 6.

His attitude/ back chat is awful. I get so frustrated and cross. Every time I ask him something it's eye roll, huffs, has an answer for everything. You tell him not to do something, he does it again straight away. You say you've done it again, and he's adamant he didn't or it was an accident. You say it wasn't, he says it was, it goes on. Obviously I stop in the end, otherwise we're just arguing. You ask him to do something, he ignores you. You ask again, he ignores you. You start to raise your voice and you get a growl of 'for gods sake I'm doing it!! Yet wasn't doing it and still isn't doing it. He won't accept he's wrong ever, and won't just apologise and make it right. He makes it worse by upping the stroppy, rude, attitude which then makes me even more cross. I shout. I storm out the room. My behaviour becomes unacceptable. I feel like I've failed and I don't know how to fix things.

How the hell do you deal with disrespect, rudeness etc. I was expecting it in teenage years but not yet. Not at 6. I wouldn't have dreamt of speaking to my parents like he does.
But then I know I don't help things because I get annoyed and frustrated. How do you keep calm? How do you diffuse thing? How do you get them to show respect and not be rude or argue back? I just feel like it's spiralling out of control.

Obviously I need to work on how I deal with things and am also going to limit tablet time to 30 mins in the evening if his behaviour has been good in the day but any help or advice would be much appreciated in how I can handle things better and also any tactics to get him to behave better.

Thank you

How much screen time is he having each day?

Screens turn kids I to utter arseholes.

Into*

Off to their room. He won't have a device at 6 but maybe cutting down on those shitty kids programmes where they're all acting ten years older than they are.

Every time he spoke to me rudely he'd be in his room, and he'd stay there till he apologised. Not one of my four tried it more than once or twice.

I have no advice for most of it except to do something different from what you're currently doing as clearly that isn't working. However on this specific point:

You tell him not to do something, he does it again straight away. You say you've done it again, and he's adamant he didn't or it was an accident. You say it wasn't, he says it was, it goes on

After he does the thing you tell him not to, there doesn't need to be a debate about it. You don't need to prove it in court or make him confess or persuade him to agree with you -- you just give him the consequence for whatever he did that he shouldn't have and say why it's happening.

I have no advice just coming on to give a solidarity fist bump. I have one of these too. Literally no clue what to do with it.
I’ve (naively) hoped going back to school will help

Thank you for comments so far.

So on the sending to room front - do I send him to his room just for him to be away from me but he can go play and come out again whenever? Or as a 'time out' type situation where he sits in there for x about of minutes doing nothing and then can come out? Then if he does it again he goes straight back?

Screen time at the minute is a lot. Not just for watching YouTube and playing games but he likes looking stuff up on google and reading stuff about Pokemon etc. But it's too much whatever he's doing so from tomorrow 30 mins at the end of the day if everything has been relatively ok during the day.

@HenrysPool I do wonder if we've just been around each-other for too long now!

@suspiria777 that's such an interesting point. I hadn't thought of it like that.

Ahh the battle of wills age!

This worked for me.

Child: Rude comment or refusal.
Me: I have asked you nicely to do/stop whatever. If you dont I will ignore you.
Child: Continues to do said thing in order to push boundaries.
Me: Completely ignored child. Leaves the room. Focus on other things. Walk away while child behaved badly. Child tries to engage in a bad way I walk away ignore.

Now this was bloody hard and really tested my patience however it never lasted long before they behaved better/apologised and I rewarded them with my attention.

Children really do want attention even if it takes bad behaviour to get it.

As I say this worked for me with 4 DC it may not be for everyone.

In my house it is, dont make me count to 3

If I get to 3 he loses, weekend screen time, then it playing with friends, weekend movie, weekend treat etc.

I don't shout and I just say so to be clear YOU ARE CHOOSING to lose screen time, pokemon whatever
And stick a with it, there is no earning back privileges

Have you read, "How to talk so kids listen and listen so kids talk?" It has some v.American examples but the content is very good.

People saying how harsh or not they'd be aren't necessarily helping as it wont solve the problem just increase the battle of wills.

He is a child, it's not a negotiation. In my house I ASK nicely once, second time they're TOLD and if it doesn't happen then off to the freezing boring utility room you go. Big things like hitting or hurting a sibling are straight to the utility.

I completely second what Tryingnottopanicovercovid said - the book is also very good.

To the utility for 5 minutes might I add....not all night

Where is he seeing this behaviour because you often find they mimic what they have seen modeled to them elsewhere.

@elizabethdraper

In my house it is, dont make me count to 3

Ah, what happens when you get to 3?

Look up 1-2-3 magic
It works, nip any disrespectful behaviour in the bud now, conversations about expectations regarding behaviour when he's not acting up, it's a constant dialogue

"Who on earth do you think you're talking to? Not me I hope! Now stop answering back, do what I've asked you to do or go to your room"
No negotiation, nothing.
Can't be doing with pushy footing around them, especially at that age...

Somebody asked me once, when I was a child, "What happens when Mummy gets to three?" and I replied," I never let her get to three!"
But it boiled down to realistic consequences, and I knew they would happen. Plus, both parents singing from the same hymnsheet.

I'm interested in the ones who send their children to their room
Mine point blank refuses
She's very stubborn so that wouldn't work for me unless I pick her up and put her there
... Also dreading the teenage years

I have it with DS sometimes (7), used to be quite bad. We figured out it was screen time related, especially gaming. We have banned all screen time during school days, no gaming for several months, some TV on weekends, no access to YouTube unsupervised. A few months of this regime and he's much better now - he occasionally plays online games with friends, and during lockdown watches telly (after school). Now he knows that if he is rude and talks back, the privileges (any screen time) will be removed. It was hard through at first to follow through.

OP, he sounds like an undisciplined monster :-(

Since he's already 6 a lot of this will have become ingrained, but if you want to change it-so that you can have a life, and he doesn't grow up a PITA that nobody his age will want to know-then you'll have to take action now.

Let him know what's allowed/acceptable, and each time he tries to push the boundaries you'll need to impose some kind of punishment, and stick to it. Ignore complaints/meltdowns etc. I think he'll soon get the message.

Good luck!

He is a child, it's not a negotiation. In my house I ASK nicely once, second time they're TOLD and if it doesn't happen then off to the freezing boring utility room you go. Big things like hitting or hurting a sibling are straight to the utility

I'd also recommend 1-2-3 Magic, don't get drawn into pedantic arguments just give 2 chances and then the consequence. If I get to 3 then it's a toy taken away for the day as that's something I can actually enforce on my own - I can't force him to stay in his room or whatever.