To ask how you handle backchat in 6yo's? Parenting help please

[GlitteryFluff]

Ds is 6.

His attitude/ back chat is awful. I get so frustrated and cross. Every time I ask him something it's eye roll, huffs, has an answer for everything. You tell him not to do something, he does it again straight away. You say you've done it again, and he's adamant he didn't or it was an accident. You say it wasn't, he says it was, it goes on. Obviously I stop in the end, otherwise we're just arguing. You ask him to do something, he ignores you. You ask again, he ignores you. You start to raise your voice and you get a growl of 'for gods sake I'm doing it!! Yet wasn't doing it and still isn't doing it. He won't accept he's wrong ever, and won't just apologise and make it right. He makes it worse by upping the stroppy, rude, attitude which then makes me even more cross. I shout. I storm out the room. My behaviour becomes unacceptable. I feel like I've failed and I don't know how to fix things.

How the hell do you deal with disrespect, rudeness etc. I was expecting it in teenage years but not yet. Not at 6. I wouldn't have dreamt of speaking to my parents like he does.
But then I know I don't help things because I get annoyed and frustrated. How do you keep calm? How do you diffuse thing? How do you get them to show respect and not be rude or argue back? I just feel like it's spiralling out of control.

Obviously I need to work on how I deal with things and am also going to limit tablet time to 30 mins in the evening if his behaviour has been good in the day but any help or advice would be much appreciated in how I can handle things better and also any tactics to get him to behave better.

Thank you

If you are storming out, then he is winning the battle. You need to take control of the situation. Basically, consequences.

If he plays up, calmly say that you don’t like his behaviour. If he continues, warn him if naughty step/chair etc and then if he continues, send him to naughty step. If he doesn’t move, then take him there. You may have to stand near him while he sits there. Maybe set an egg timer to set the time and if he moves, start again.

The book, Toddler Taming is really good in situations like this.

Ooooo following this thread with interest. My 6 yo is an arsehole at the moment 😫

Turn off your home internet and get rid off all devices until he calms down

Fresh air and lots of outdoor activity would be my suggestion and indoor activities such a cooking/baking/craft

He'll soon calm down x

I have a gobby 6 year old at the minute too. He’s learning quite fast though that he loses privileges if he back chats. I also need to deal with it better...as it does wind me up. I do try to tag team with my husband if I find I am dealing with it badly because calm, clear instructions and a (calm) consequence if they don’t listen works much better than getting into an argument with a 6 year old.

Some of the TV he watches is having a negative effect...Danger mouse is one which doesn’t seem to do him any good because there is loads of back chat style commentary. The other day he said: ‘yeah alright old lady’, i’m sure it came from Danger mouse ( he says ‘marvellous’ quite a lot too). He does not handle screen time well either (especially games), so we are really limiting that at the moment...I think it’s something to do with the on screen colours and pixels?

Ooh I must be proper evil. I definitely did the three thing.. Somebody once asked me what happened at 3 and I couldn't remember🤣🤣

The real trick I learnt is to require eye contact and stay very very calm and polite. "Please look at me when I am speaking to you, I am speaking to you respectfully and I need to see you listening to me" the minute eye contact is made a very big thank you for showing you are listening then give the instruction.

Rinse repeat.

Eye, rolling huffing etc are all attention seeking. Deny them the oxygen of an audience "I will speak to you when you are being pleasant" then ignore

I also wouldn’t use his bedroom as the punishment as then you’re giving his bedroom negative connotations. Use a draughty corner somewhere.

@GlitteryFluff

Thank you for comments so far.

So on the sending to room front - do I send him to his room just for him to be away from me but he can go play and come out again whenever? Or as a 'time out' type situation where he sits in there for x about of minutes doing nothing and then can come out? Then if he does it again he goes straight back?

Screen time at the minute is a lot. Not just for watching YouTube and playing games but he likes looking stuff up on google and reading stuff about Pokemon etc. But it's too much whatever he's doing so from tomorrow 30 mins at the end of the day if everything has been relatively ok during the day.

IMO you're overthinking this. There isn't a definitive answer. Decide which solution is most likely to feel like a punishment to him and work most easily for you and go for that one.

I have never found sitting them out or sending them to their room to be helpful (I have 4 children). I ask them to apologise but if they don't straight away, or won't back down, then I find it best to disengage and ignore. They would lose screens, or whatever is worth losing at that time, and get it back when they are nice again. I do feel myself getting drawn into arguments at times and then try to remember to switch off, and it does work. If they are being rude or misbehaving, then they doing so as they are unhappy or having feelings that are hard to cope with. It isn't acceptable but there tends to be a reason behind it. Or they may be testing you to see how far you go. I think that trying to understand the motivation behind it helps massively. I love that woman who says that any behaviour from a child is telling you something. I can't remember her name at the moment but she helps families cope with difficult behaviour in children with additional needs. I think her wise words are applicable to all kids. 6 can be a tricky age I think, starting to grow up and be less baby like and that can confuse them.

Suggest you look close to home here. At 6 henis learning this attitude from others.
How do you and your DH/other children interact?
Is your tone / the tone of others in the household bossy or combative “becuase I say so / do as you’re told” ? Is there an underlying assumption that things have to happen the way you / DH wants them to?
Little ones can pick up on and internalise this as their own outlook. You really have to model for them the sort of behaviour you want to see.

If you and your DH start saying “yes of course I’ll do that right away” to each other, you may find your child follows suit.

Also requiring eye contact now is tremendously helpful when you get to teenage years..though gets a bit truncated in the request "eyes now please" they really can't argue that they didn't hear when they have to look at you

About the 1 2 3 thing. Serious but natural consequences. For example won't switch off device when asked, "sorry DS that's it for screens today" "wah wah complain" "it's sad DS but I asked nicely, maybe tomorrow we can try to do it first time".

I haven't reached 3 for years. DD is 10. She asked the other day what was 3 now. I looked horrified and saiid "something utterly dreadful" she laughed. But she still never gets to 3.

he sounds like an undisciplined monster

Fucking hell that's a bit strong.

OP the mistake you are making is arguing with a child. Don't do it. You state your expectations very clearly and if they are not followed you give one reminder in a steely voice. If you get good at it, you will only need to give him 'the look' and he'll know you mean business.

And to all the strict disciplinarians on here, you may be able to rule over a meek or timid child, but you can never bully a wilful child into peaceful and happy obedience. Not if you value your relationship with them.

Try and remember what it’s like to be a child. Start by reading some more children’s literature - Roald
Dahl is a great place to begin! Adults who punish never win the child over, they just end up resented. You have to work with children, not against them.

Mine is the same
Too much screen time and she is a demon when it's time to come off it
She loves her iPad, so we remove ipad with bad behaviour, no drama , we model the good behaviour we wish to see
Also no you tube as it's full of eye rolling brats
Good old bbc wholesome tv

Think most have covered it, a choice and a consequence. You choose to behave the way i expect or you choose the consequence for not doing so.

One of the comments above reminded me of what dh said when asked about discipline at home. He did, and still does, stick to "ask, tell, make". You ask nicely once, then tell them once and if that hasn't worked, you make them. Where did he pick up that gem? Dog training.

Not that i think children are like dogs. But it has worked for us!

OP, he sounds like an undisciplined monster :-(

No, he doesn’t, he sounds like a 6 year old kid pushing boundaries. Get a fucking grip.

Oh and make natural consequences immediate. None of this, you'll lose this on the weekend nonsense. By the weekend they might be behaving!

Immediate, natural consequences with empathy and calm.

And I think you have to do as much 'noticing' of what the child does well. So they make that their internal story. DD is tough, stoic, kind and brave. And I tell her that. And tell DH in her earshot, "DD just made me a tea, wasn't that nice?"

I have a 6 year old who is the most lovely, caring, considerate child for 90% of the time but she really struggles to contain her emotions when angry and is so rude, hits her sister (as I can't ignore that) and answers back. I was reading something the other week and decided to try it and so far working well. I have chosen one behaviour to really crack down on (shouting and hitting her sister) and try to ignore the rest as much I can.

When she was in a good mood, I told her it wouldn't be tolerated, any time she did it she'd lose access to her computer game for the rest of the day (she gets an hour after home school finishes) and it was her actions that would make this happen, not me. She agreed and we have really stuck to it. So far she's only had it taken away three times in 2.5 weeks as she's trying to stop herself.

I totally get life is hard and confusing for them right now but the behaviour is not ok.

My husband and I get on well and are kind to each other always so she's not copying us. Her sister is very well behaved and forgiving thankfully!

I have an identical 6 year old so following for tips! I am constantly reminding him about his behaviour, pulling him up on rudeness, etc.

I am doing my own bloody head in repeating myself 50 million times it seems. But, even though he often doesn't seem to be listening, I hold out hope that it is trickling in. I try to tell myself that being constantly on at him is worth it as without it, in the long run as I'd have a monster on my hands who gives no shits!

I do also find he responds well to recognition for good behaviour and other positive attention and thrives on boundaries and a clear routine, as well as clear, immediate consequences for misbehaviour.

Acknowledging emotions (I can see you're upset/I understand why you may feel angry/that kind of thing), even if they're being told off, has a powerful effect in my experience as they feel validated and understood even if they're being disciplined. I'm by no means soft but find this very useful!

I have a younger one too and sometimes that means it's easy to forget the older one is still young too and also needs guidance and reminders about how to behave.

Finally, I am not having a go at all because I am guilty of this too, but if you're kid is acting up for no clear reason, I do believe that often the first thing to look at is your own behaviour. If you're huffing around, snapping and having a shitty day, he likely will be too.

Also, try to remain as calm as you possibly can, another thing I do which helps diffuse is say what they're saying back to you, often as a question. Ie child: 'it's your fault mummy' me: 'it's my fault?' Child 'yes'. Silence. 'You wouldn't let me xxx' me: 'I wouldn't let you xxxx?'

All said calmly and not accusatory/mimicking . It's surprisingly effective

I have an one of these. We have found sand timer (5min) one works well. Ask them to do something, and tell them they have 5 mins. Then walk away, if not done then apporpiate consequence - removal screen time etc. I found incredible years book helpful

Definitely use your voice firmly and don't leave any room for arguing. You do not talk to mum like that with the stare. Then I definitely agree with pps that said to explain HIS actions will come with the consequences he gets, and even though it's really hard don't back down. If he screams and crys remind him why his screen time is limited and don't engage in conversations about it. You can suggest other things he can do but it's his choice and sometimes kids do need to know how to amuse themselves

Please consider pent-up emotions during this horrible anti-social time for our little ones. They may not be acting their usual self. Ask them if they are okay, how they're feeling, are they angry about anything. Give them your ear.
My son is 7 and has always been a sensitive and emotional boy, but expresses himself well - what I mean by that is, I can tell if something is bothering him - he's learning that talking is always key to knowing how to feel or move on.
Small things to us are massive to little ones.
Tread carefully OP, he might be feeling the world on his little shoulders right now.

Descriptive praise

I removed toys. Far out of reach. & privileges. If I say you're not having it because you're rude, then that's it. & I stick to it. Sometimes it'd be 2 weeks, sometimes 1 month or longer if repeat behaviour.
It worked for me. I've no time in my day to put up with backchat and back & forth dialogue. You know your child best in terms of thinking what will work best for you all, OP.