To think the way some birth mothers are treat is appalling

[SpringHasSprung20]

A decade ago when I was still in my teens I had a baby removed from me at birth by social services and put up for adoption against my will.

It wasn't me who was the risk, I was being abused by the father and fought so hard to get away, have him prosecuted and keep my baby. I've posted about my story before.

Fast forward to now I'm approaching 30. I have a family and I'm living on the other side of the country with two subsequent children in my care full time with no SS involvement. I have a good life and haven't spoken to the abusive ex since I left him. I'm a different person. A strong person.

SS never allowed to meet the adoptive parents because I was opposing the adoption.

Do you know what contact I have with my son? One letter per year, due every April but it's usually always months late.

All of my letters are inspected by an adoption social work team before they'll be passed on to the adoptive parents/my son. Protocol. Most years they are sent back to me to edit out parts where I've told him I love him or miss him. I'm not allowed to say that, it's too emotional apparently.

I'm not daft, I know it's not in his best interests for me to be emotional in letters so I never am - but I do want him to know he's loved.

They are pedantic beyond comprehension. One year I had a letter telling me he was doing well in school, in my reply I said I was proud and he's such a clever boy. They sent my letter back and made me change "you are so clever" to "you sound clever"

I've had to plead with the adoption team for years to ask the family if I can have a photo, after 8 years of the adoption team saying "we don't let birth parents have photos" a kind contact coordinator finally agreed to ask the family for me.

The family took a while to decide but agreed I could see a photo. I can't keep it though.

I have to liase with an adoption team in my area and ask that the photo be sent to them so I can go into the office and look at it on a computer screen. Once. That won't happen this year because of covid so I have another year to wait before I can even catch a glimpse of my little boy. I have no idea what he looks like other than the sweet 6 month old face I have in a photo album, taken at our "goodbye contact"

I'm not allowed to send birthday cards or presents because it's a pain for the adoption agency to facilitate.

I have a box here that I save his cards in every year but that's not the point really is it? Imagine being a child and never getting a birthday card from your mum.

I'm not allowed to tell him about his siblings in letters. I talk to them about him all of the time but they must be kept secret.

All of the above is wrapped up as being in his best interests of course, but is it really?

I don't think he'll feel that way later on.

If you were adopted wouldn't you want to know that your 'birth' mother loved you? Would you be happy to only hear from her once a year?

I'm not a criminal and I've never hurt a child or been accused of it. I'm a good person and a good mother. I have the backing of SS here completely, after I approached them when I moved here. The senior manager raised her own concerns about how I was treat by that local authority and couldn't believe the way they work.

AIBU to think the way some birth mothers are treat is appalling? I'm not referring to abusive people or people who neglect their children, but people like me and others who were let down terribly.

I cannot move past the injustice of it all.

That sounds incredibly painful. If your son does ever seek you out as an adult though, you have plenty of things to show him that will help him to see that he was and is loved. I hope that you have the opportunity to meet him and develop a relationship with him when he has the choice to know you. I saw a documentary on open adoption and it seemed to be much more humane.

Sorry op, x posted.

What I said still stands for many cases, but what you have posted sounds all wrong. I'm so sorry. I'd would desperately want this investigating further, but not with the view to uproot your son from the only family he knows.

I have voted YABU but not because I believe that for now it is better for your child to be left alone. I think that one day if they come looking for you it would be nice if you had cards etc for him but for now I think it’s better for him if you aren’t involved at all
I know it just be so hard for you and I can’t imagine how you feel but your son has to come first in this

Cross posted with @OVienna who was much more articulate than me

If you have the backing of the SS in your current area and the foster carer I would definitely pursue this legally. Even if you never get to see your ds at the very least it might save one other parent from going through what you have been through.

My thinking is that if they have done this to you and your child. How many more people out there have they done it to.
I would guess you aren’t the only one.
I do see in years to come there being a public enquiry about how the family courts operate

I know it's not the worst thing, but the way they censor your letters seems so mean. I don't understand why so many people on here have this faith in government authorities! Have they never dealt with them? I'm so sorry, OP. You should have had more support.

Invited unreasonable, and the reason I did is not because I think you’re a bad person, but because what the letters maybe doing to your son.

As difficult as the circumstances were you not being able to let go must be terrifying for both child and parents thinking they may be torn apart at any moment. They must live with a cloud above their head every year when the letters are due.

I don’t blame you at all, it’s just desperately sat all round

The vast majority of adoptions in the US these days are open adoptions, research points to this being especially beneficial to the child. They can understand and accept the reasons for the adoption and grow an identity that includes two families and know their heritage from an early age. Too much secrecy will cause resentment as the child grows older, they’ll wonder why things were hidden from them etc

Are they adoptions where the birth parent is in agreement with the adoption? I think that would be quite different as the birth parent/parents would be supportive of the adoption.

@Impatiens as an adopted person this made me feel annoyed.

"I've known a number of ppl who were adopted and they all wanted to know about their birth family once they got older, it's a deep-rooted feeling in people"

It can be a deep rooted thing but often people are happy with their adopted family. Happier than they would have been with their birth family. My birth Mum was only 16 when she had me and gave me up voluntarily which is obviously very different to the OP.

Often adoption is absolutely the right path and there are posts on here that seem to be trying to diminish that.

I voted, not invited.

@BackforGood

What Thesearmsofmine said.

Obviously we don't know you, and we don't know the whole story around your child's adoption with information from all sides, but, overwhelmingly in the many child protection cases I've been involved with over many many years, the birth parents are given so many more chances than I feel is right, or in the best interests of the child.

I haven't voted, but I wouldn't be surprised if people who are saying YABU are commenting from their own experiences. Or the experience of having their adopted child completely emotionally disrupted by the whole contact with birth mother experience they have to go through each year.

This in spades.

I only know of a handful of cases but the parents were given so many chances often not in the best interest of the child.
I also have friends with an adopted child who have to deal with extended relative contact which is a total nightmare to the point its detrimental to the child.

@OhCaptain you have misread the post . The OP says ss say she can’t mention siblings in letters . She also says she mentions him to his siblings who live with her all the time .

@AubergineDream

I think SS have to make difficult decisions in a relatively small window of time to safeguard children, especially babies, and that that means that sometimes they make decisions based on likely outcomes of situations, not in the individual situations. They looked at your situation and saw that you were a) unlikely to leave the abusive situation, b) not likely to cope well if you did and c) that the likelihood was the child may be neglected, abused, or otherwise not protected. In the majority of cases, this is true. Thankfully, you have beaten the odds. You have not gone on to have multiple children removed, your children now are not abused or neglected. But do you KNOW you would have left him? It's nice to look back and think, well if I was offered a way out I would have taken it, but we are not the same people as our past selves. Yes social services fuck up sometimes, they take a cynical world view as it is their job too, they don't tend to gamble on young, vulnerable abuse victims in perilous situations coming through as strong survivors, they look at the odds for a good outcome, and if it's unlikely then they turn their attentions to vetted adopted parents as a safer bet. I think it's horribly dreadfully sad when kids are separated from their birth mums. But I don't think it's done for no reason. They can't pin all their hopes on the occasional diamond when they are in the business of risk assessing coal.

This sums it up for me I think. Sounds tragic what happened to you but unless they were completely incompetent, then they felt this was the in the best interest of your DC. I don’t believe they remove babies unless they have serious concerns for their welfare.

It’s a pitty you weren’t with the father of your current children instead of in an abusive relationship. It’s a wonder why the couldn’t have offered you a child/mother unit to help you get away.

Tragic all round

[quote Trebormints74]@OhCaptain you have misread the post . The OP says ss say she can’t mention siblings in letters . She also says she mentions him to his siblings who live with her all the time .[/quote]
you’re a bit behind!

@Emeraldshamrock

He was with his foster carer from birth for 6 months then went straight on to the adoptive family that SS had lined up. The adoption was finalised some time after he was placed with them Bastards. It is crazy it was finished so quick. I believe they have a small time frame from removal to adoption in the UK.

It isn’t quick at all, how long would you like a child to be denied security? You have to remember there were 21 months between the child being conceived and approved for adoption. If after 21 months isn’t long enough what is?

This is why I believe long term fostering is a better alternative to adoption

I absolutely believe that SS can get individual decisions wrong. They may well have done in your case, and I am sorry you are in such pain.

However, this comment about fostering is an example of how you are (understandably) not seeing the bigger picture. It might well have been in your DS's best interests to be fostered and then returned to you, but would certainly not be in the interests of many looked-after children. Most children are only adopted against their BM's wishes if they have suffered abuse (though I am not saying this is true in your case). Leaving them in a state of uncertainty, worrying that they will be returned to the abuser, would be horribly cruel and wrong. Children who have suffered abuse or severe neglect deserve a fresh start, in as far as this is possible. That doesn't necessarily have to mean closed adoption, but any arrangement must offer the child security, and certainty that they will not be returned to their abuser.

I believe you, sometimes it comes down to their case loads they don't have the time or resources to help everyone.
I don't think they conspired but probably made a risk assessment and didn't feel 100% sure you could change, they have to be sure you'll manage if anything happens to baby they're in trouble.
Then there is attachment for the baby the earlier the better.
I couldn't do the job, the decisions are massive.

So sorry, this sounds so hard.

I'm mum to a child by adoption and my heart goes out to you.

This is why I believe long term fostering is a better alternative to adoption

Why do you think denying a child the chance to form a secure attachment, parents and a family is a better alternative for the child?

@OhCaptain

In the gentlest way possible, I don’t think they can be held responsible for the problems with keeping him a secret etc. You’re choosing that for your children.

You say he should know that he’s loved by his mum. He has a mum. You’re his biological mother, but he has a mum who loves him every day. So he is loved.

I’m sorry that you miss him but to be brutally honest, you’re only thinking of yourself and your sense of loss. There’s no reason to think he hasn’t got a happy, healthy, full and loving life.

He might seek you out when he’s older.

This is really well said. The part in the op where you say he'd never had a card from his mum -of course he has, he has a mum. You are his biological mother, but she is his mum. I know this may be incredibly painful for you, but your son has the life he knows and I don't think it's fair to pass on to him your distress around what's happened etc with being so emotional in your letters. I absolutely understand it must be so, so hard and you very clearly love your son. But I do perhaps think you're blinded by your anger of what's happened, and therefore aren't able to see in terms of what may be best for him. All the best op xx

I’m adopted and while I’m really sorry for what you went though - no he doesn’t have two mums. I am in context when my BM - she’s a nice lady and all, but no - she’s not my mum and if she thought she was I’d cut contact.

I hesitated to post on this but I sympathise with the OP as I feel that once SS get a theory/thought/belief they are not moved/persuaded otherwise, and she probably is a victim of this.
A certain local authority has ruined 4+ lives of adults in my family and the lives of two dc's, who will go through life thinking that they were not loved or cared for by any of us. The adoptive parents in this scenario made the fatal mistake of asking for help/support in dealing with the behaviour of one of the dc's. The LA had omitted to provide very pertinent details about the treatment that one of the dc's had suffered in the past.
Long story short a High Court Judge suggested that the adoptive parents took the LA to the European Court of Human Rights due to their treatment.
Knowing that they were right does not lessen their suffering or the trauma experienced all round.
OP don't take this to Court, the adoption cannot be overturned take some time out and consider having some therapy for some peace of mind.
Look after yourself

@SimonJT If the birth DM is not abusive and making positive steps, OP left her ex when 7 months pregnant.
She should have been placed in a baby unit for 3 months under supervision.
What happened to your DS was disgusting and his BM could never be given the opportunity to hurt him again.
OP's situation is different.

Sometimes social workers do get it wrong. It reminds me of the time around 20 years ago or so, where there was a push to get adoption numbers up, the idea being to get kids in more settled homes who were already being cared for by the state. The numbers did of course go up, but, instead of targeting the children it was intended for, a lot of children, particularly babies were removed from environments similar to the ops. Potentially help could have been provided to keep the child with the mother, but it didn't happen.