To think the way some birth mothers are treat is appalling

[SpringHasSprung20]

A decade ago when I was still in my teens I had a baby removed from me at birth by social services and put up for adoption against my will.

It wasn't me who was the risk, I was being abused by the father and fought so hard to get away, have him prosecuted and keep my baby. I've posted about my story before.

Fast forward to now I'm approaching 30. I have a family and I'm living on the other side of the country with two subsequent children in my care full time with no SS involvement. I have a good life and haven't spoken to the abusive ex since I left him. I'm a different person. A strong person.

SS never allowed to meet the adoptive parents because I was opposing the adoption.

Do you know what contact I have with my son? One letter per year, due every April but it's usually always months late.

All of my letters are inspected by an adoption social work team before they'll be passed on to the adoptive parents/my son. Protocol. Most years they are sent back to me to edit out parts where I've told him I love him or miss him. I'm not allowed to say that, it's too emotional apparently.

I'm not daft, I know it's not in his best interests for me to be emotional in letters so I never am - but I do want him to know he's loved.

They are pedantic beyond comprehension. One year I had a letter telling me he was doing well in school, in my reply I said I was proud and he's such a clever boy. They sent my letter back and made me change "you are so clever" to "you sound clever"

I've had to plead with the adoption team for years to ask the family if I can have a photo, after 8 years of the adoption team saying "we don't let birth parents have photos" a kind contact coordinator finally agreed to ask the family for me.

The family took a while to decide but agreed I could see a photo. I can't keep it though.

I have to liase with an adoption team in my area and ask that the photo be sent to them so I can go into the office and look at it on a computer screen. Once. That won't happen this year because of covid so I have another year to wait before I can even catch a glimpse of my little boy. I have no idea what he looks like other than the sweet 6 month old face I have in a photo album, taken at our "goodbye contact"

I'm not allowed to send birthday cards or presents because it's a pain for the adoption agency to facilitate.

I have a box here that I save his cards in every year but that's not the point really is it? Imagine being a child and never getting a birthday card from your mum.

I'm not allowed to tell him about his siblings in letters. I talk to them about him all of the time but they must be kept secret.

All of the above is wrapped up as being in his best interests of course, but is it really?

I don't think he'll feel that way later on.

If you were adopted wouldn't you want to know that your 'birth' mother loved you? Would you be happy to only hear from her once a year?

I'm not a criminal and I've never hurt a child or been accused of it. I'm a good person and a good mother. I have the backing of SS here completely, after I approached them when I moved here. The senior manager raised her own concerns about how I was treat by that local authority and couldn't believe the way they work.

AIBU to think the way some birth mothers are treat is appalling? I'm not referring to abusive people or people who neglect their children, but people like me and others who were let down terribly.

I cannot move past the injustice of it all.

Sorry op but Yabu.

You may be his birth mother but this child has a new family. A family that (presumably) gives him all the love and support he needs.

I don't think it would be in any child's best interests to have letters from a birth parent telling them all about their biological siblings or about how much they love him.

As an adoptive parent, nor would I consent to a birth parent being shown a curent photograph of my child, let alone be given and allowed to keep one. They don't know you - you could be psychotic, deranged, a drug abuser, dangerous. You could try and find him. You could post the photo all over Facebook and ask for help to track him down. How do they know? You're a stranger.

Regardless of the events that brought about the adoption, it sounds like since he was adopted the actions of SS have been correct and in the best interests of the child.

To be blunt, the child has a family and you are not it. I have lots of sympathy for you but there's no nice way to say it - you're not thinking of the child now, you're thinking of yourself. What's done is done. Let him be.

I’m not voting because I’m not sure it’s needed but the thing that struck me most about your posts is that you talk a lot about the impact of all of this on you, not your son.

I find it good that you are sending letters.
I was adopted as a child and, although slightly different circumstances, I not once got a letter from birth parents.
Got them from grandparents, sibling, but never ever from parents.

It was so upsetting as I felt I wasn’t even loved.

I don't want any contact with my birth family. I have a family who love me, and never felt like I needed more

Well that is incredibly saddening to me. I can only hope he doesn't feel the same

But for the time being at least, isn't it best for him if he does feel the same? I totally get how painful this must be, but surely for his sake you'd rather he felt complete with his family, and what may or may not happen in future be left until he has a mature understanding?

They wanted him removed from me and were never going to give me a chance

Again I'm trying to understand - this time why SS would want this?

Nobody suggests for an instant that they don't make mistakes, but even if just on the basis of their caseload it's hard to see why they'd actively want to remove a child if there was any realistic way to avoid it?

I believe you and my heart goes out to you. I hope he makes contact when he turns 18.

I’m an adoptee.

The only time I struggled with it was when my BM had some idea of an amazing reunite and relationship. I AM loved. By my parents. The ones who raised me.

Leave him to live his life.

As long as we have the adoption system that we do, I don't think your story will be the only one like this.

As much as there are problems with the system in America, birth mothers are respected there, permitted to choose their adoptive parents and can negotiate an arrangement where they meet the child each year, if that is the arrangement. This has been chosen to have better outcomes for everyone.

I really feel for you. It seems they have taken on a grain of knowledge that more open adoptions work, but with no real understanding of why. As a result, your letters drained of emotion could end up giving the child the impression that you don't care - but open adoptions work partly because the child knows that their birth parents do still care.

It's very hard for everyone.

shown not chosen

Oh my op your story actually made me cry and I never cry . I haven’t got any advice but what you have gone through is horrific I’m so sorry . That is so very very wrong .

I'm adopted, was adopted at 12 weeks old.

To be honest, no I would not have wanted to hear from my birth mother at all during my childhood. That sounds harsh but a) as a child I would have found that confusing and b) my 'adoptive' parents are my parents.I don't see me birth mother as a parent, so as a child, it wouldn't have bothered me whether she loved me or not and would have potentially undermined my relationship with the people who did raise me and loved me.

As an adult, and better able to understand the situation, then yes, contact with my birth mother wouldn't be an issue.

OP I am also a birth mother. I also face the same restrictions and delays. I hear your pain and feel it too.

I have accepted one letter a year is all that is allowed, but I do feel that birth parents that don’t maintain contact have such a bad reputation when for those not involved in the process don’t even have a clue how not just heart wrenching and painful it is, how there is literally zero support but also how difficult it is to get a letter on time. Months of delays- and I’ve been going through this for 8 years. Covid is not a valid excuse to me at this point because it has been literally 90% of contacts that are late. Pictures drawn for me lost to the point my sons parents stopped.

I don’t get any photos. I’ve done post adoption counselling and I am in a good place. I haven’t and I won’t ever forget or stop loving my son, however I have accepted that this is the way it is, my son might never want to meet me, and so for that reason I have had to make decisions for myself. I have to live life making me happy.

What I can and do keep doing is keeping in touch with the local authority keeping the door open should he wish to meet me, should he need answers etc, and I will maintain contact until hes 18 or he says he doesn’t want it.

Sending you lots of strength

As an adoptee who didn’t have letterbox contact but has had contact with my birth father as an adult I can say that I completely agree with SS deleting any references to you loving him from your letters. I still roll my eyes when my birth father says this to me and we’ve been in reunion now for about 5 years.

The fact is OP you don’t know your adopted child. You have no idea whether you would even like him if you met him in the street not knowing who he was. You may have wanted the pregnancy and you may want to have him back in your life but you don’t love the person he is because you don’t know the person he is. If you met him in Tesco you might think he’s a spoiled obnoxious brat!

All your posts are about your needs and wants in this situation not about what is best for the adopted child. Sending letters to him as a pre-adolescent telling him you love him is not in his best interests. You are basically trying to emotionally blackmail him into saying this back to you when he won’t feel it because you are a stranger to him. I’m glad you’ve been stopped from doing this.

You need to hold your fire on all this drama until he is grown and build a relationship with him then if that is what he wants. Work on yourself about how you feel about your abusive relationship and your grief that you lost him in the meantime so that you are able to enter into reunion (if he wants that) without all the baggage you have brought to this thread. You may feel that what happened was unfair but none of this is your child’s front and he deserves to have his whole childhood without having to deal with your demons.

The message from those posters who have been in your son's position is loud and clear here, OP. i hope you're listening to them.

It's horrible, whatever the circumstances for a child to be removed from their birth mother is gravely serious and can it be done correctly in all cases? No way. There must be lots of families who could have changed and lived with their child supported. I've met a few adoptive parents, as acquaintances more than close friends and I'm happy for them and their family - the children often flourish and there needs to be people that can do that. But I always think there's some sadness there and I think of that mother out there somewhere. Sometimes that might be more than they deserve, but sometimes it's not enough. I'm not involved in social care or anything but just wanted to say that some people out there are thinking of mothers like you.

The local authority rules must be very difficult to deal with but by following then you can out yourself in the best position for your child to contact you one day and for their parents to trust you too. You might never have a relationship, but your child will grow up to be their own person and they must feel some reassurance that the door is open for them. It must be hard not saying you love them but love is shown in all the ways you have at the moment, even if really restricted. Look after yourself.

This is a very sad thread.
The American adoption system is very different but I would think this is largely due to pro life adoption agencies (often private) promising the moon on a stick to young poor birth parents as an alternative to abortion. Adoption when children are removed by the state for safeguarding reasons is very different and wouldn't be appropriate or safe to have birth parents choosing the adoptive parents or having regular contact

Namechanged for this. OP, I was adopted at about 6 months. All my life, I have felt as @IDKNABYBIF22 described: I don't want to know my birth family as I am happy with my adoptive family. I had no contact at all with birth family and never have (I am in my 40s), so I had no letters or idea of a mother out there. I have never sought out my birth family and likely never will.

But if I found at, as an adult, that I had a birth mother who loved me and siblings who wanted me as family, that I was essentially stolen from my mother... then I would pursue a relationship. And it would irrevocably damage my relationship with my adoptive family.

It is so shortsighted to restrict your contact to this extent; the fallout could easily be a total rejection of the loving family who raised him. Your child knows who you are. In a few short years, they will likely find out everything.

It is beyond heartbreaking. You are quite right to keep pushing for more contact; had this happened from the start, then he could have accepted the situation slowly, over time. As it stands a huge, heatwrenching secret is waiting in the wings.

I think you should be seeking legal advice. Best of luck to you, to him, and to his family.

This is why I believe long term fostering is a better alternative to adoption
I don't.
DC in foster care are mainly placed with extended family unless there is none, they're often removed as the parent is on drugs for example, they still see and hear of destruction daily there is no freedom from it.
My cousin fosters 2 DC they're with her 8 years, their DM is dead, DF is on drugs but won't agree to adoption, he visits, he spent time in prison after attacking their DM before they were taking away.
They love my cousin and her DH they are loved but Dad is always in the background.

I guess this is why open adoption on the rise in the West. Historically it’s an ancient practice.

All the people I know who were adopted as children wanted to know their birth mother loved them. They may not need that relationship as adults, they may have great relationships with their adoptive parents but they still wanted to know. It’s common for adopted people to want to know the circumstances around their adoption.

You are his mother. A person only has one mother - your son also has an adoptive mother.
I am sorry your son’s adoptive family are so insecure that they are not acting in your son’s best interest and supporting his relationship with his mother. Commodification of babies and children is disgusting, state sanctioned abuse.

I’m sorry this is going to sound harsh but it’s my opinion. I’ve only read your OP and I’m only responding to what I’ve read.

I’m adopted and I would have been horrified to receive cards or letters from a complete stranger telling me that they loved me. It would have caused a lot of inner turmoil for me as a child. I would absolutely hate the idea of photos of me being in the possession of my birth ‘parents’ too.

I didn’t need to be told I was clever or loved by someone I had no connection to because my parents told me that every single day.

I know I’m not speaking for all adopted people and the feelings and opinions of adopted children are all unique to them and this is my personal opinion.

Again I'm trying to understand - this time why SS would want this?
Nobody suggests for an instant that they don't make mistakes, but even if just on the basis of their caseload it's hard to see why they'd actively want to remove a child if there was any realistic way to avoid it?

Adoption targets is one reason. Started with Blair. I'm not saying that this is the case with the op, but if we take at face value that she is providing a true and accurate account of what happened, then I would say it was a possibility. I say this as someone who worked within that system, and had many sleepless nights with the stress of trying to advocate for people in that exact same situation.

Sorry op that was in response to posts about open adoptions in America not about you . A very sad thread and I agree with those advising seeking counselling for what is a very traumatic situation for you

I have seen a lot of posts here from adoptees saying they already have a mum, and I respect that, but I am also adopted and my birth family is of huge importance to me, and I am not alone in this. Many young teens try to seek out birth family. How adoption is done in the UK is under review and in particular contact with birth family because it is seen as very important to so many adoptees.

OP I am sorry about your experiences, I

He’s not a baby, he’s been with his family for 10 years. As heartbreaking as it must be for you they are his parents and presumably, hopefully, love him very much. Write him letters, write him cards, make a scrap book for him, let your other children write him letters if they want to. Keep it for him for when he turns 18 so when he does hopefully seek you out he knows how loved by you he has always been and how much you’ve thought about him over the years. I don’t think at this point in his life you should be, for want of a better phrase, trying to move the goal posts.