To think the way some birth mothers are treat is appalling

[SpringHasSprung20]

A decade ago when I was still in my teens I had a baby removed from me at birth by social services and put up for adoption against my will.

It wasn't me who was the risk, I was being abused by the father and fought so hard to get away, have him prosecuted and keep my baby. I've posted about my story before.

Fast forward to now I'm approaching 30. I have a family and I'm living on the other side of the country with two subsequent children in my care full time with no SS involvement. I have a good life and haven't spoken to the abusive ex since I left him. I'm a different person. A strong person.

SS never allowed to meet the adoptive parents because I was opposing the adoption.

Do you know what contact I have with my son? One letter per year, due every April but it's usually always months late.

All of my letters are inspected by an adoption social work team before they'll be passed on to the adoptive parents/my son. Protocol. Most years they are sent back to me to edit out parts where I've told him I love him or miss him. I'm not allowed to say that, it's too emotional apparently.

I'm not daft, I know it's not in his best interests for me to be emotional in letters so I never am - but I do want him to know he's loved.

They are pedantic beyond comprehension. One year I had a letter telling me he was doing well in school, in my reply I said I was proud and he's such a clever boy. They sent my letter back and made me change "you are so clever" to "you sound clever"

I've had to plead with the adoption team for years to ask the family if I can have a photo, after 8 years of the adoption team saying "we don't let birth parents have photos" a kind contact coordinator finally agreed to ask the family for me.

The family took a while to decide but agreed I could see a photo. I can't keep it though.

I have to liase with an adoption team in my area and ask that the photo be sent to them so I can go into the office and look at it on a computer screen. Once. That won't happen this year because of covid so I have another year to wait before I can even catch a glimpse of my little boy. I have no idea what he looks like other than the sweet 6 month old face I have in a photo album, taken at our "goodbye contact"

I'm not allowed to send birthday cards or presents because it's a pain for the adoption agency to facilitate.

I have a box here that I save his cards in every year but that's not the point really is it? Imagine being a child and never getting a birthday card from your mum.

I'm not allowed to tell him about his siblings in letters. I talk to them about him all of the time but they must be kept secret.

All of the above is wrapped up as being in his best interests of course, but is it really?

I don't think he'll feel that way later on.

If you were adopted wouldn't you want to know that your 'birth' mother loved you? Would you be happy to only hear from her once a year?

I'm not a criminal and I've never hurt a child or been accused of it. I'm a good person and a good mother. I have the backing of SS here completely, after I approached them when I moved here. The senior manager raised her own concerns about how I was treat by that local authority and couldn't believe the way they work.

AIBU to think the way some birth mothers are treat is appalling? I'm not referring to abusive people or people who neglect their children, but people like me and others who were let down terribly.

I cannot move past the injustice of it all.

I suppose I am just opposed to women being punished for things outside of their control, by the permanent removal of their children. Which does happen.

It's wrong to view the taking of this child into care as being punishment to the mother. That's just not it. Birth mothers don't need to be at fault, or to blame, for children to need removal.

Unfortunately, people keep voting Tory, and for lower taxes, so often choices have to be made as to who to support, and the child wins, every time. More funding for mother and baby placements could have kept OP with her baby- either something else will have to be defunded (your local police? Your school? Your operation?) Or, we have to pay more tax. It's a consequence of how our country is run.

The answer is not to leave children in unsafe situations.

@MistressoftheDarkSide

I suppose I am just opposed to women being punished for things outside of their control, by the permanent removal of their children. Which does happen.

It’s not about punishing. It’s about protecting. Yet another poster who is more concerned with the needs of adults than children.

So in one breath they tell you that your child will be taken off you if you are in contact with an abusive man and in another they advise you to contact the abusive man,

This is a fair comment. There is a rather large hint of this going on in general in society, not just in SS - they are a reflection of this contradiction.

I don’t think putting children into foster care is to “punish” mothers, it’s done to protect children. Now that isn’t saying they get it right 100% of the time.

But if a circumstance is so out of a woman’s control that the child(ren) could be affected then someone does have to step in & advocate for the wellbeing + safety of the child.

No system for this can be perfect. The real danger though is when SS fail to act & children slip through the cracks. That is truly a tragedy.

@UsedUpUsername

Is open adoption really not common in the UK?

The current trend in the US is strongly toward open adoptions, a sort of two family approach which gives the birth mother a lot of choice in the level of contact. This is not seen as confusing or unsettling for the child, rather it takes a lot of the mystery and secrecy out of the adoption process.

In UK, independent/ privately arranged/ financially negotiated adoptions are illegal. There is only one permitted method, which is via a court of law. The court procedures are entirely bound by nationwide Adoption legislation. The childs needs and best interests are monitored and evaluated by accredited social workers who pass the information to the court. The same applies even when the child is adopted by a blood relative or a step-parent.

   You may have an outdated  idea about "mystery and secrecy of the adoption process" in UK. There are no longer  sealed files.   At age 18,   adopted people in UK  have the right to seek full access to their SW  pre-adoption records and history including their original birth certificate,  the identity of the birth parents and any background known about them.  With that information the adoptee can then  try to  track down and contact  their birth parents... if they wish.

Adopted persons and birth-family relatives can register themselves on a contact register

www.gov.uk/adoption-records/the-adoption-contact-register

contact.

   So, if you're thinking UK adoption is still

But it is punishment for "failure to protect" . Dressed up by the more neutral term "consequence".

No-one wants children left in unsafe situations but many are due to "lack of resources" .

This is unjust for children.

If a child is wrongly removed it is also unjust to the parents.

The answer is obviously to make the system more robust and transparent. It is not.

There are identified failings which have not been adequately addressed. For those who become collateral damage and have to remain silent and hamstrung it is little comfort.

Until one experiences the system as it stands, it is impossible to understand the situation birth parents can find themselves in, being demonised twice over.

Have name changed for this as could potentially be identifying or I could likely just be very sensitive over this.

I escaped an abusive relationship and went intona refuge. As a result which is routine sw become involved as they have to when you go into refuge.

It turned out he had major history for this and had abused many, many other women before me.

He was known to all services.

I was told while there he was meant to be getting monitored due to the serious risk he posed towards women and children. He wasn't as he was able to severely abuse me and harass me.

I had absolutely zero idea of this or I would never have got involved with him. And if I had found this out I would have ended it right away.

However, due to failings in the system he abused me severely.

I left and then social work were then making me out to be the big bad person despite me being in refuge and zero contact with him and me having made a full statement to the police.

I was treated so badly by them and some of the refuge workers were shocked by the way a certain social worker spoke to me and treated me. She also created a report which contained many lies which were luckily proven to be as the refuge worker had been with me the whole entire meeting.

I went through total hell due to them even though I was in a vulnerable state due to trying to overcome the abuse. No other agencies had any concerns no school or medical concerns or the refuge with regards to my parenting. I wasn't told to attend any parenting courses as it was obviously fine.

However it was clear this one in particular was looking to try and take mine away due to the abuser's actions. I had no idea he was a serial abuser and meant to be monitored yet I was punished by them time and time again even though I had made a statement.

Turns out his children previously had been removed from their mum's care as he was so violent to her so they classed him as a risk to children.

He even went to the length of changing his surname so that old reports of him abusing others wouldn't surface on any googling. He completely knew what he was doing and was very skilled at doing so.

Not all social workers are bad but some are. They are human at the end of the day. I'm not anti social work. However, instead of supporting someone they made things so much more harder at a horrendous time due to their actions. They failed by not monitoring him so felt like I was punished by it as that was highlighted due to my report.

I would understand if someone was refusing to leave the abuser but when someone has left and is engaging with support it is wrong to remove children and threatened to do so at such a vulnerable time particularly when no concerns from other agencies.

The original poster needed support and was badly let down by the local authority.

And I do not agree that I support adults needs over the childs.

If I did, my child would have been adopted.

I am legally recorded, on the balance of probabilities as a vicious child abuser. I had to accept responsibility for my sons "injuries", which were contentious (metaphyseal fractures). I put aside my need for truth and justice to get my child home. I terminated a subsequent pregnancy because I was advised scrutiny would never end if I had another child.

So, please don't imagine you know anything about my experience or motivations.

My fiances ex was in this situation at about 18. She was allowed to go to a refugee rather than have the baby taken off her. If this was me I'd probably save every penny so I could provide a deposit for a house or whatever for the child at 18. The idea would be that it would be the money I would have spent on them growing up. If I lost a child I wouldn't want to have extra money because I didn't spend money on bring them up that I would have if they had been allowed to stay.

Considering one of the many things an abuser tells the person who is being abused that if they tell then their child/ren will be taken away from them, the way social services behaves in some cases is appalling.

It is known abusers state this as control and is in any material about abusers so social work know they spout this to try and keep control

I work directly with families before, during and after a child is removed and of the hundreds, probably thousands, of birth parents I have met, I can count on one hand (one finger actually) how many ever didn't have a story about how the entire situation was completely unjustified ... I've heard your story many many times before. Change a few details here or there, but the gist is always the same. No support was offered, no one told you it was going to happen and if you'd just had A, B or C it all would have been fine but no one tried to help you. It's also very common to have a professional on your side saying that you were mistreated ... And not once, when you actually understand what happened from all sides, not one single time in 14 years of my career have I ever disagreed with a courts decision to remove a child. I've disagreed many times with their refusal to remove a child, but never their decision to remove

That was interesting, Bluetoybox - perhaps not surprising, but interesting all the same

I think bio parent's rights should extend to a child being returned to their parent at a later date. Barring there having been violence from a particular parent themselves. Ethically, their rights extend to that in my opinion

Can't get over how ridiculous a comment this is.

I'm adopted. I was never in a bloody lost property box, I was in a family who loved me just as much as they would have if we shared DNA.

I'm not an object to be owned, I'm a person. A person with a family who just don't share my blood. They share everything else.

My mum is my mum and my birth mother would, I hope, be happy i was placed in a loving family while of course feeling sad she was unable to raise me.

I would hope that once I was placed, settled and doing well she would care enough to not want me to be 'returned' like lost luggage.

@NotABridezillaToBe

Please don’t use words like ‘failure’ to describe a persons inability to stop someone else’s actions.

I’m not sure exactly what you mean but I assume you are objecting to ’failing to protect’. It is the legal definition used in child welfare.

And that makes it right? To use a label of ‘failure’. No, it doesn’t. What it does do is perpetuate the myth that women are responsible for men’s actions.

I sorry I don't have time to read this whole thread.

As an adopted person the most healing thing I ever read was a letter from my birth mother saying that she told me she loved me when I was a baby.

I have great relationships with my adopted mother and birth mother. They are different relationships though.

As an adopted person in my experience its the default to assume you weren't wanted, with devastating consequences, and knowing that wasn't the case, that it just wasn't possible for you to stay with you birth mother is very comforting.

I hope you get somewhere, you and your adopted child deserve better

xx

Be grateful you are able to have letters and see a photo

Are you serious?

Yes, completely. My adoption was closed from birth. My bio family should in theory what no idea where I am or what I look like. Which is exactly how I want to keep it.

You are getting more than they ever will.

I’m incredibly sorry for your trauma, because I do believe you. However, your terms of contact are far more generous that those when I was adopted in the 80s. So yes, find comfort in that.

And that makes it right? To use a label of ‘failure’. No, it doesn’t. What it does do is perpetuate the myth that women are responsible for men’s actions’

The discussion is about a legal threshold applied in a legal case. Like it or not. Not using appropriate terminology does nobody any favours and only serves to fuel misunderstandings about legal proceedings.

My fiances ex was in this situation at about 18. She was allowed to go to a refugee rather than have the baby taken off her

In many cases a woman going into a refuge is a requirement (in order to keep the children with her), but you would be surprised how many women either refuse this in the first place, or leave after a very short time, knowing that their children will be automatically removed.

Re mother and baby placements. These are very few and far between and mothers have to demonstrate a fairly high level of commitment before being approved for one. It isn't a case that you just go from an abusive household straight into one.

@NotABridezillaToBe

And that makes it right? To use a label of ‘failure’. No, it doesn’t. What it does do is perpetuate the myth that women are responsible for men’s actions’

The discussion is about a legal threshold applied in a legal case. Like it or not. Not using appropriate terminology does nobody any favours and only serves to fuel misunderstandings about legal proceedings.

Actually no, it wasn’t. It was simply someone describing a person’s ‘failure’ to stop someone else’s actions.

@LaLaLandIsNoFun agree fully with you. I feel it is offensive and places the blame on the female who was abused. Much like court cases do.

Anyway, I’m leaving this thread now because I truly am appalled with some of the comments snd attitudes here and I cannot ready anymore.

OP I wish you the best. Think hard before pursuing any actin against the LA - whilst I did it and won I’m still, almost a year later, unsure if it was the best thing to do - I sometimes wonder if I was better off believing I was simply selfish, mentally unwell and unable to reflect. The anger I have now is sometimes quite difficult to push down and I’m out of steam to go after the individuals visit Social Work England - though they bloody well deserve to be pursued.

Stay safe, focus as much as you can on yourself and your children who are with you. You deserve to be happy.

@IDKNABYBIF22

It sounds really painful for you, but as an adopted person, I think it would have been really confusing to have contact with my birth family as a child.

Imagine being a child and never getting a birthday card from your mum.

He's got a mum.

If you were adopted wouldn't you want to know that your 'birth' mother loved you? Would you be happy to only hear from her once a year?

I want any contact with my birth family. I have a family who love me, and never felt like I needed more.

I think you’re projecting your own situation on to the OP’S.

If a child is taken away through no fault of the birth mother then it’s very relevant the birth mother still loves her child and wants him to know this.

I’m so sorry this has happened to you. I would do whatever you are able to push for more contact. Hopefully when your son is legally an adult he will seek answers. Until then I would keep copies of the letters you wanted to send alongside the ones you were allowed to send to show you loved him and were proud of him and never stopped thinking about him and wanting to be with him.

@SoulofanAggron

But are you suggesting the OP’s child’s adoption, his life with the only family he remembers, should be broken up on the possibility that there might be an ‘intrinsic bond’ between them

And his mother’s parental rights were terminated via the adoption

@Bainne I think bio parent's rights should extend to a child being returned to their parent at a later date. Barring there having been violence from a particular parent themselves. Ethically, their rights extend to that in my opinion.

So you want kids stuck in Foster care, with no security knowing they could be removed at any time?

Sure, that sounds awesome for the well being of a child.

I haven't read the whole thread OP as it's a very emotive subject and I don't know if I can bear it.

I feel so sad for you and so conflicted. I did see on the first page someone saying that is takes a lot for a child to be removed. Yes. I feel very sad for the child and as a mother my protective instincts flare up and it can be hard for some to look past that.

But, my partner was removed from his mother's care at 6 month old as well. So your post really hit home. I can tell you that he would have cherished letters from his mother and to know he was loved. So my heart does go out to you and to your birth child.

I hope life is treating you well now and your birth son. I understand your pain, I have no words really. It must be very difficult all round. I don't know how you will reconcile it.