To think the way some birth mothers are treat is appalling

[SpringHasSprung20]

A decade ago when I was still in my teens I had a baby removed from me at birth by social services and put up for adoption against my will.

It wasn't me who was the risk, I was being abused by the father and fought so hard to get away, have him prosecuted and keep my baby. I've posted about my story before.

Fast forward to now I'm approaching 30. I have a family and I'm living on the other side of the country with two subsequent children in my care full time with no SS involvement. I have a good life and haven't spoken to the abusive ex since I left him. I'm a different person. A strong person.

SS never allowed to meet the adoptive parents because I was opposing the adoption.

Do you know what contact I have with my son? One letter per year, due every April but it's usually always months late.

All of my letters are inspected by an adoption social work team before they'll be passed on to the adoptive parents/my son. Protocol. Most years they are sent back to me to edit out parts where I've told him I love him or miss him. I'm not allowed to say that, it's too emotional apparently.

I'm not daft, I know it's not in his best interests for me to be emotional in letters so I never am - but I do want him to know he's loved.

They are pedantic beyond comprehension. One year I had a letter telling me he was doing well in school, in my reply I said I was proud and he's such a clever boy. They sent my letter back and made me change "you are so clever" to "you sound clever"

I've had to plead with the adoption team for years to ask the family if I can have a photo, after 8 years of the adoption team saying "we don't let birth parents have photos" a kind contact coordinator finally agreed to ask the family for me.

The family took a while to decide but agreed I could see a photo. I can't keep it though.

I have to liase with an adoption team in my area and ask that the photo be sent to them so I can go into the office and look at it on a computer screen. Once. That won't happen this year because of covid so I have another year to wait before I can even catch a glimpse of my little boy. I have no idea what he looks like other than the sweet 6 month old face I have in a photo album, taken at our "goodbye contact"

I'm not allowed to send birthday cards or presents because it's a pain for the adoption agency to facilitate.

I have a box here that I save his cards in every year but that's not the point really is it? Imagine being a child and never getting a birthday card from your mum.

I'm not allowed to tell him about his siblings in letters. I talk to them about him all of the time but they must be kept secret.

All of the above is wrapped up as being in his best interests of course, but is it really?

I don't think he'll feel that way later on.

If you were adopted wouldn't you want to know that your 'birth' mother loved you? Would you be happy to only hear from her once a year?

I'm not a criminal and I've never hurt a child or been accused of it. I'm a good person and a good mother. I have the backing of SS here completely, after I approached them when I moved here. The senior manager raised her own concerns about how I was treat by that local authority and couldn't believe the way they work.

AIBU to think the way some birth mothers are treat is appalling? I'm not referring to abusive people or people who neglect their children, but people like me and others who were let down terribly.

I cannot move past the injustice of it all.

@MistressoftheDarkSide

An example of a "little thing" - which did have to be rather grudgingly corrected in my case.

In the final SW report, for the final hearing, it was stated that I had not attended anti natal classes and this was a huge red flag signalling my inability and reluctance to engage with professionals.

My son was born at 35 weeks due to pre-eclampsia. My ante natal classes were due to start the week after his birth.

Again, yup.

I missed on appointment, which I cancelled because I was unwell.

It STILL says in my note and in the court report that is had ‘disengaged with services’. When I pointed it out to he SW she said she wasn’t altering anything and that I had to start a formal complaint to have it changed (that took two years to get to stage 3) - I didn’t have the opportunity to challenge this and many other inaccuracies and twisting of the truth. Why? Because the SW submitted the report 30 minutes before the hearing - I didn’t even have a chance to read it. So it was accepted as fact from there on in.

Op I don't think a lot of these postings are helping you at all. Did you or do you have any family support? Do you have good friends?
You deserve to be congratulated at how far you have come, you really do.

But so many posters attacking SS- oh i know they're not perfect and they don't always get it right. To those posters, I say that OP has already acknowledged how helpful SS were in subsequent pregnancies.

To posters saying children could/should be returned to birth families years later.... wow. Such rubbish. Talk about not putting children first.

I've already said I'm an adoptive parent. I'm not a child stealer. In fact, I went through a period of feeling very sad and down after the adoption because our gain was another woman's pain. It took me a while to work through that. I have birth children and can only imagine not seeing them again- actually no, I can't imagine it. I don't even want to.

I take issue with adoption being seen as negative. It isn't- it's allowed my child to be kept safe and to thrive. We have talked about our birth family (I say 'ours' because when you adopt a child I believe you have to include the family) but at the moment my child doesn't want any input. I'm the one who initiates conversation, or tries to but I have to take my lead from her. I leave her in no doubt that her birth mum loved/loves her, but I do wish there would be some response to our letters. I think about her quite often but she remains non- contactable.
If my child wants to trace birth mum, I will support her and assist her.
We told SS at adoption that we would do so.

OP I'm so sorry you are hurting. It truly is a visceral pain.
Please- carry on writing, saving cards and mementos.
I'm pretty sure your memory will be kept alive by the adoptive family, at least I hope so.
Very best wishes

@LaLaLandIsNoFun

Terrible. And in no way surprising sadly x

Anxx D.C. lots of ‘little things’ build up into a picture that can look completely different.

Also to add, unfortunately 99% the mistakes are made by sw. Anyone else in the multi agency team would not be able to make these kind of mistakes and would be held accountable if they did. It’s really frustrating.

Oh @SpringHasSprung20 I’m so sorry you weren’t supported to get away with your child.

For the posters who think it’s implausible that a teenaged mum, who was miles away from the support of her own family, and under the control of an older bully, would be discriminated against by the system you are frankly naive.

I would be tempted to try anything to circumvent SS restrictions and just communicate with my child in any way possible if I were in your shoes

One of the depressing things about this thread is the unwillingness of some posters to put the child's interests first.

Adoptee after adoptee has posted about how disruptive they would have found more contact from their BM. Not a single adoptee has said that they would have wanted more contact at the OP's DS's age. But that doesn't matter to some posters. It's all about the mother's needs, not about the child's.

OP I said I believe you when you say you could have looked after your baby and kept him safe with more support. I don’t want to pick apart your further explanations, but if sounds like the court was content for you to be assessed in a mother and baby unit but that was stayed when there was a further incident between you and ex p. You also said by the time the case transferred, you were in a refuge. Does that mean you weren’t in a refuge as soon as the child was removed?

Sadly it sounds like the local authority (and indeed the court to have granted the stay) formed the view that your failure to prevent this type of incident was evidence that you couldn’t keep the baby safe. It really sounds like a classic case of ‘couldn’t make the necessary changes within the timescales’.

I fully accept as a vulnerable teenager it would have been very hard to effect these changes without considerable support.

I’ve been unfortunate enough to have had a few dealing with ss, my ex was also abusive so they’ve been involved in the past for that reason (however my children have never so much as been on any plans as I’ve been able to demonstrate to ss that my children are safe) I’ve also had malicious reports to ss from when I fell out with a family member who then decided to use the fact I’ve had dealings with ss against me and report me for a lot of made up stuff which luckily they did see through, so like I said my children have never been the subject of any plans but I can tell you for a fact now ss do lie, and I’ve had to complain about them for that and funnily enough the social worker got took of the case never to be seen again and case closed as soon as I made a complaint. 🙄 Also the last time I had contact with them a few years ago after the malicious report, the social worker actually told me to contact my abusive ex who was absent and wasn’t having any contact with the children, she kept pushing me to contact him, said it was in the children’s best interest to have a relationship with their father, when I pointed out that no actually it wasn’t as he was abusive I got told “well it’s not about you, it’s about them” she told me to consider emailing him asking for him to see them. Again another complaint as I was disgusted with that and the thing is if you are in contact with an abusive man they come down on you like a ton of bricks so why on earth was she advising me to contact him?! She kept on and on about him to the point I was becoming uncomfortable which I told her, she wanted to know everything about him, when I made it clear I wasn’t comfortable with the discussion and wouldn’t be contacting him she said “well that’s enough about the father.... for TODAY” I made a complaint yet again funny the case was closed straight after. So in one breath they tell you that your child will be taken off you if you are in contact with an abusive man and in another they advise you to contact the abusive man, luckily for me I stood my ground and I’m not vulnerable or someone that can easily be persuaded as I imagine a lot of women probably would have listened to the social worker. They are fully aware of my exes history and the DV. I know someone who use to work in a contact centre and she said the most common reason she saw for children being taken off the mother was because of DV from the father and the mother refusing to leave the relationship.

So nasty.You have heard from professionals and people with direct experiences who have said it can and does happen yet you can still put this venom on the page.

I can only assume you have confused me with a different poster while replying to me, as that makes no sense in the context of the comment referred to.

Please don’t use words like ‘failure’ to describe a persons inability to stop someone else’s actions.

I would be tempted to try anything to circumvent SS restrictions and just communicate with my child in any way possible if I were in your shoes

This would be so incredibly selfish it's baffling to hear.

I'm adopted. If someone had sought me out when I was a child I would have found it scary, I would have been easily manipulated and guilt tripped into contact that I in fact didn't want or need as my family provided a safe secure and loving home - they just don't happen to share my DNA.

It would be unthinkably selfish for a birth parent to 'just' communicate with a birth child despite measures being put in place to ensure the child is settled, happy and doing well like OP's birth child.

I would be tempted to try anything to circumvent SS restrictions and just communicate with my child in any way possible if I were in your shoes

Jesus. Thereby showing just how unsuitable for contact you were?

I would be tempted to try anything to circumvent SS restrictions and just communicate with my child in any way possible if I were in your shoes

I can hugely empathise with this sentiment. And it's exactly why I won't provide photographs. My AC were removed because birth family could not put their needs before their own wants, and as I don't know them, I can't assume that has changed, and the temptation to look for the child when you're grieving intensely must be overwhelming. So photos aren't provided, not to be cruel to BPs, but actually to not give them temptation they can't handle. No level of contact could be 'enough' for BPs to assuage their grief, and could cause issues for the child.

Please don’t use words like ‘failure’ to describe a persons inability to stop someone else’s actions.

I’m not sure exactly what you mean but I assume you are objecting to ’failing to protect’. It is the legal definition used in child welfare.

Reading this made me cry. I can't imagine how hard this is.

@MissLucyEyelesbarrow

I would be tempted to try anything to circumvent SS restrictions and just communicate with my child in any way possible if I were in your shoes

One of the depressing things about this thread is the unwillingness of some posters to put the child's interests first.

Adoptee after adoptee has posted about how disruptive they would have found more contact from their BM. Not a single adoptee has said that they would have wanted more contact at the OP's DS's age. But that doesn't matter to some posters. It's all about the mother's needs, not about the child's.

It’s incredibly depressing. The attitude is like that of someone who sees a child as a pawn in a custody battle as opposed to an actual human being.

I am a birth mum and I would never ever try to find my child on social media it is not an appropriate place to engage in contact. Should my child wish to have contact it will be done through the adoption agency with the appropriate support in place for all those involved. Of course I want to know my child is okay and doing well. And I share similar information in return however how and when that information is shared is in the hands of his parents who are best placed to judge when he is able to process this information and what and how much should be shared, just as I decide whether to share various information about myself with them- ie photos have stopped aren’t currently shared with our child and therefore I see no benefit in them being within the contact at this time.

OP is it just me misunderstanding your posts or has your story changed?

“They had me stay there like a sitting duck until I was 36 weeks pregnant then dropped the bombshell that they were going to remove him at birth citing the risk from dad and my inability to protect baby

I was heavily pregnant and stuck.

I gave birth shortly after at 38 weeks.

I left him and went to live in a women's refuge. Social services refused to work with me to get him back because they felt adoption was in his best interests and wouldn't change their mind no matter what I did.”

But then in a recent post you mention after the baby was born there was a police incident & your ex asking the cops not to involve social services because “you were going to get the baby back”

Is it actually possible that up until this point the courts were in fact considering allowing the baby to come back to you - however you were still involved with the abusive father even after baby had been removed & this incident with the police is what actually made the courts rethink giving him back to you?

Am a bit confused as to why this police incident is only brought up in recent posts & kind of glossed over? It sounds like it was a really significant event in how the final court proceedings played out against your favour.

Why were the cops called & why would you think the police would not go straight to social services & tell them something was amiss with the statement they heard?

It sounds like this is what went wrong for you & up until that point the adoption was not final.

You were then perhaps Seen as being devious to social services & keeping information from them, which was the tipping point.

We need to know more about the police incident in detail here - how many months old was baby at the time? Why were police called etc....

Easy to trot out the "best interests of the child" mantra where birth parents are concerned, it is the stick used to beat them into submission.

The same standard should be applied to those decisions made by the authorities "in the best interests of the child". Is it though?

I just mean that the way the story was originally presented was that baby was born & you left the relationship then.

But in your latest posts it sounds like baby was born & taken from you & you were still, at least at some point in contact with the father - police intervention + comments which insinuate lying to social services was a factor.

Is it possible that the OP was not the instigator or in control of the incident requiring police involvement? A chance meeting? Abusive men can be devious and manipulative and engineer trouble for their victims.

I think bio parent's rights should extend to a child being returned to their parent at a later date. Barring there having been violence from a particular parent themselves. Ethically, their rights extend to that in my opinion

What a ridiculous suggestion. How far in the future does this right to have their children returned apply for? Should a child be returned to birth parents at 10 years old say? Removed from the only family they've known because their birth parents have a 'right to have them returned' like property?

This suggestion is absolutely not in the best interests of the child, at all.

Nevermind some possible instinctive bond. It would be absolutely cruel to remove a child from the parents they know.

It should always be about the child. Always.

Whether it would have been in the best interests of OPs DS to remain with her at the time, I can't say. Perhaps it would have been had she been given more support. But unfortunately what's done is done, it's 10 years down the line, he has a family, you can't possibly think it would be okay to simply remove him from that now?!

I'm not sure MN acting as jury in OP's case is going to be helpful to OP. It's a rare, and insightful, birth parent (like the lovely @OurChristmasMiracle, hello) who can be completely balanced and self-reflective on events that led to removal. It takes massive strength to recognise that you couldn't keep a child safe (and there doesn't need to fault for that to be fact) and for adoption to be the least worst outcome.

I get that often birth parents feel that opposing the adoption will make the children feel wanted. However, a mature response can be, as I think @OurChristmasMiracle did, to recognise the situation, and support the adoption once it is inevitable, so that the child is put first. That is often when more ongoing contact can be more workable, too.

With OP's anger, and high emotion, I can see that direct, or even increased indirect, contact could be tricky.

If BPs had met us, and supported the adoption, then we would probably be pro direct contact in the longer term. As it is, I know they can't put AC first still in their contact, so they can't handle more.

@MistressoftheDarkSide am not suggesting she instigated it or was in control of the incident where police were involved

But the courts are looking at is the child at risk - risk can be accidental, or out of one’s control. It doesn’t have to be malicious.

But that incident did happen, police being asked not to inform social services must have been a really bad look - it got back to SS that she was presumably hiding information from them & then it was over for her.

It seems strange this incident is only mentioned recently after 30 pages!

Previously the narrative on this thread is OP did everything right, by their book & was bamboozled by authorities

But this police incident sounds significant and that it may have been a factor in why the court proceedings did not go her way.

am a bit confused as to why it’s mentioned only in a passing reference.