To think the way some birth mothers are treat is appalling

[SpringHasSprung20]

A decade ago when I was still in my teens I had a baby removed from me at birth by social services and put up for adoption against my will.

It wasn't me who was the risk, I was being abused by the father and fought so hard to get away, have him prosecuted and keep my baby. I've posted about my story before.

Fast forward to now I'm approaching 30. I have a family and I'm living on the other side of the country with two subsequent children in my care full time with no SS involvement. I have a good life and haven't spoken to the abusive ex since I left him. I'm a different person. A strong person.

SS never allowed to meet the adoptive parents because I was opposing the adoption.

Do you know what contact I have with my son? One letter per year, due every April but it's usually always months late.

All of my letters are inspected by an adoption social work team before they'll be passed on to the adoptive parents/my son. Protocol. Most years they are sent back to me to edit out parts where I've told him I love him or miss him. I'm not allowed to say that, it's too emotional apparently.

I'm not daft, I know it's not in his best interests for me to be emotional in letters so I never am - but I do want him to know he's loved.

They are pedantic beyond comprehension. One year I had a letter telling me he was doing well in school, in my reply I said I was proud and he's such a clever boy. They sent my letter back and made me change "you are so clever" to "you sound clever"

I've had to plead with the adoption team for years to ask the family if I can have a photo, after 8 years of the adoption team saying "we don't let birth parents have photos" a kind contact coordinator finally agreed to ask the family for me.

The family took a while to decide but agreed I could see a photo. I can't keep it though.

I have to liase with an adoption team in my area and ask that the photo be sent to them so I can go into the office and look at it on a computer screen. Once. That won't happen this year because of covid so I have another year to wait before I can even catch a glimpse of my little boy. I have no idea what he looks like other than the sweet 6 month old face I have in a photo album, taken at our "goodbye contact"

I'm not allowed to send birthday cards or presents because it's a pain for the adoption agency to facilitate.

I have a box here that I save his cards in every year but that's not the point really is it? Imagine being a child and never getting a birthday card from your mum.

I'm not allowed to tell him about his siblings in letters. I talk to them about him all of the time but they must be kept secret.

All of the above is wrapped up as being in his best interests of course, but is it really?

I don't think he'll feel that way later on.

If you were adopted wouldn't you want to know that your 'birth' mother loved you? Would you be happy to only hear from her once a year?

I'm not a criminal and I've never hurt a child or been accused of it. I'm a good person and a good mother. I have the backing of SS here completely, after I approached them when I moved here. The senior manager raised her own concerns about how I was treat by that local authority and couldn't believe the way they work.

AIBU to think the way some birth mothers are treat is appalling? I'm not referring to abusive people or people who neglect their children, but people like me and others who were let down terribly.

I cannot move past the injustice of it all.

@SpringHasSprung20

Was your ex already known to SS? Or a lot older than you? I just think this sentence of yours is really telling:

I expressed my concern that my babies dad was going to do something to stop me being reunited with my son as he didn't want to lose control of me or have us reunited away from him.

Reading through it all, I was just wondering whether they had real fears that if the baby stayed with you (or came back to you) it would be very hard to shake your ex off - he’d have reason to keep trying to find you and control and consequently harm the baby. But none of that ended up happening because you lost the baby, and so your ex’s link to you and reason for continuing control was lost.

I’m not trying to say what happened was right. It seems pretty clear that a protected mother and baby unit from day 1 could have offered you and the baby the chance to stay together safely. I’m just intrigued about why it did happen, and I suspect this is the reason.

@percypetulant

*just take him off you at 36 weeks pregnant with mo warning! I'm so angry for you. I definitely think you should take this to court, and also get your local mp involved, go to the papers, what ever it takes this should not be happening .*

But even by OP's account, this isn't what happened. This is not what happens.

Concerns were raised at 36 weeks, and OP was told the baby would need to be looked after at birth. There was then five months when OP potentially had time to leave the abusive situation, keep contact with the baby (several times a week) before the baby was placed with adoptive parents. There would be chance (and legal aid) for OP to appeal to the courts at each stage. Then there will have been at least ten weeks before the adoptive parents could apply for an adoption order. If OP had no idea that her abusive situation was not going to be ok for a baby until someone outside told her at 36 weeks, that's worrying. I don't doubt that OP was a victim, but equally, the baby needed protecting, and babies can't wait forever. Women do leave abusive situations in less than five months, and create safe homes for their babies, it's possible. Obviously OP wasn't in a place to do that, but that doesn't mean a baby should be kept waiting forever.

The OP said that when she said to SWs that she wanted to leave they asked her to stay as otherwise it would disrupt the assessment. Put yourself in her shoes for a moment. What would you have done? Have you not yourself said that "SWs hold all the cards"?

Within that period of time where I was waiting for them to find me a placement, there was a police call. I was told to call the police when nessecary by SS.

My ex, purposely, told an attending officer "don't say anything to social services please because she's going to get baby back"

The police reported this to social services.

Wait...didn’t you say you had split up with the father by the time you were in late term pregnancy?

What was this police incident?

It sounds like this may have been a factor in why the adoption did go through.

Maybe am confused but it sounds to me like the infant had been removed after birth & you were still in contact with the father, is that right?

@SheCannaeTakeNoMoreCapt

The current trend in the US is strongly toward open adoptions, a sort of two family approach which gives the birth mother a lot of choice in the level of contact. This is not seen as confusing or unsettling for the child, rather it takes a lot of the mystery and secrecy out of the adoption process

That's in the US type adoptions where the BM willingly surrenders her child, which is extremely uncommon in the UK. The BM doesn't get much choice in the level of contact when the child has been removed from her care due to neglect, abuse etc.

Open adoptions make up 95% of adoptions currently, there are a huge range. It’s not just teen moms, teen pregnancy rates have plummeted in the US as well.

You have a lot of adoptive parents complaining about this system, actually. But it’s seen as better for the child.

@percypetulant

What this thread does show is that, for the good of society, there should be funding for birth parent support after adoption, therapy, and increased support for women and girls to educate about abusive relationships, parenting, and contraception.

OP, you're correct that after adoption support for birth parents is inadequate.

I agree that there should be far more funding and focus on education about abuse for young people, though I would say it should be aimed at both sexes. I think one of the really good thing about MN Relationships is how many experienced women share invaluable insights about how abusive relationships work.

@SheCannaeTakeNoMoreCapt

I think your comment is cruel. That’s just going to hurt the OP

How is it cruel? It's a fact. She already knows it, I'm not telling her anything new.

So nasty. You have heard from professionals and people with direct experiences who have said it can and does happen yet you can still put this venom on the page.

[quote itdepends]@OVienna feeling torment about the loss of a child or anything else isn't needy and expressing needs is also not "needy". Being aware of your own feelings and needs and expressing them is not "needy".
Someone becomes "needy" when their feelings override the feelings of other people, either not being aware of other people's needs or purposefully ignoring them. And no, the OP hasn't indicated that her needs override the needs of other people. She has clearly expressed her acknowledgement that she does not want to disrupt her ds' life and I would say that that is the opposite of "needy". (Sorry OP hope that didn't sound patronising)

ovienna and @2021namechanger I do just want to offer my experience as something which might be outside your experience. I had contact with birth mother through most of childhood and as I said upthread one benefit for me was that I knew exactly where I came from and the circumstances, and I was then and still am now crystal clear about why I could not live with her. Another benefit was that she loved me in the sense that she was very interested in what I had to say when we saw each other, and that was a positive thing for me. It was not ever about my birth mother's needs and it didn't erode my relationship with my adoptive parents. It meant that I didn't go through mental and emotional struggles as a teenager or as an 18 year old or older wondering whether I should or shouldn't contact her. If you read case studies about successful direct contact, you will find similar stories. I am not saying contact is right in every situation, but I am saying that there is more than one way of looking at contact.[/quote]
I have gone back through the OPs posts to check what I may have missed. I am not going to prove my point by quoting her extensively to explain why I still disagree. It wouldn't be kind - she is clearly in pain and I hope that she does find peace of mind. Very much so.

Disagree with your interpretation, that is.

ovienna do you disagree with my interpretation of what "needy" means? Do you think it is needy to have strong feelings and express your needs? Or do you agree with me that it is good and healthy to have strong feelings and express needs, it only becomes needy when you don't understand and respect other people's feelings and needs?

I don't disagree with your definition of needy, as such. It's this bit of your analysis I am not convinced by, based on what I have read of her posts:

And no, the OP hasn't indicated that her needs override the needs of other people. She has clearly expressed her acknowledgement that she does not want to disrupt her ds' life and I would say that that is the opposite of "needy". (Sorry OP hope that didn't sound patronising)

Again - that is all I'll say about because I am sure it is hard for the OP to read comments like this. I've already made my point on it.

Was your ex already known to SS?

Yes he was, both known and older.

He had a child with an ex who was also adopted, years before I knew him.

The child was adopted citing "future risk of emotional harm" like my son went on to be, because of the risk from the dad who liked hitting women.

I didn't know about all of that when I met him though.

The first I knew of his history with SS was when they got involved after I asked my midwife for support due to being financially abused but SS said they couldn't tell me anything about that case because of confidentiality (the mothers and the childs)

Despite the above they never once suggested I leave him. They instructed us to do parenting classes together. I drew my own conclusion from the fact the abuse was ramping up and decided I wanted to leave, which they didn't support me to do.

@SpringHasSprung20 I'm so sorry for what you've been through, it sounds so traumatic. I don't feel qualified to comment on SS because I've no first-hand knowledge of adoption (though a few of my good friends are adoptive parents) but I can absolutely understand your frustration and desire to have more contact with your child. I hope the two of you are able to form a strong bond in the years to come.

Op I think focusing on you and your future is the key here. And controlling what you can.
Bar the impossible (turning back the clock or getting PR) what would be your dream outcome?

(You don’t have to answer this - just consider it).
Now - consider if that dream outcome is best dor all concerned. If it is - what can you do to help make it happen - or at least ensure if it does happen it goes well.

Focus on those things - the things you have control of.

Ovienna I think it is fine for you to disagree, and thanks for confirming you agree with what I said about what being needy means, we agree on that. I get the feeling you think that a mature person would be able to move past this, move on, is that right? Because I disagree about that. My birth mother I am sure has had many hours of torment about having dc removed but she has never, not once, raised this in conversation - I think having the enduring torment is normal, and the fact that she has not spoken about it or made me feel responsible for it is an indication that she is not "needy". Does that make sense?

@SpringHasSprung20

I have read the whole thread and also want to add my support for you and my belief that you were treated unjustly.

There but for the grace of God go I 26 years ago, different sort of case and different outcome but the threat of adoption was used from the minute my case started, and I have proof that my child was placed before an adoption panel before any orders had been granted (the system was different then).

I posted alot on a thread about fractures in babies under my old user name Oldqueen1969 for reference.

I was lucky my son came home so I am posting with an element of survivors guilt here and acknowledge fully that your ongoing pain eclipses that which I still feel massively. Your extraordinary resilience is inspiring, and I fully appreciate why you are posting, because the dehumanizing aspect of going through what you have and the utter injustice still leaves you howling into a void that offers no answers.

It is compounded by the consensus that you don't matter because on the "balance of probabilities" a child was protected, even if it didn't really need to be, not from you.

It is compounded by the lack of recourse even when it has been acknowledged that the system has failed.

It is compounded by the "shut up and go away" mentality prevalent in our society, and the accusations that anything other than humble acquiescence reinforces your unsuitability to do the thing that has come naturally to you, loving and advocating for your child.

You have accepted that your child is settled, and wish that your once yearly letterbox contact was more frequent, more detailed, more anything within the law and your childs welfare to reassure yourself that your child is as safe and happy as you are told, part of which is them having a rounded age appropriate and truthful knowledge of how they have come to be adopted. I don't think this is in the least unreasonable, and if there are gentle, appropriate ways to pursue this I'm sure you will find the way to achieve this.

Until I was churned through the system for three years in total, I was also in the no smoke without fire camp. I had no reason not to trust authority, never having had to interact with professionals in this sort of context before. Maybe I was naive at 25 but that was just the way my life had panned out.

My awakening was extremely rude, brutal, and changed me completely. It is something that can be compartmentalised but not "got over". The little things that are vitally important such as errors in reports, contradictions, which make the whole process Kafkaesque, and which if you challenge them, are seen as reasons to label you un- co-operative and a nit picker when these things are going down on legal record and being placed at the forefront of decision making processes that determine not just your life but your childs, these "little things" matter and I carry mine like tiny barbs in the heart.

As I say, I'm lucky. My case was complex and it was only by intense work from my solicitor and our second GAL I got my second chance. I am grateful.

But the hurt and the damage to the psyche never goes away. Alot of it is personal, and some professionals, being flawed humans, as we all are, are either not a good fit, or downright vindictive. It can be managed, it can be rationalised, it can be, as I say compartmentalised, but it leaves a deep wound that the uninjured cannot fathom.

I wish you all the best for the future, you and your son x

I get the feeling you think that a mature person would be able to move past this, move on, is that right?

No, not exactly. I get that you can never 'move on' possibly, or some people can't. They may need ongoing support, that is understandable.

My issue is how they refrain from transmitting their anger and anxiety to the child. You do need sufficient emotional maturity to know how to manage that situation. My BF did not have it. It sounds like your BM did, which is good.

I'm sorry for what you've been through.

I suppose one can only hope your son is happy and will look back on his childhood feeling really content, that he had a good life and was loved, even if he doesn't know that love from you because of it just being letterbox contact. Perhaps when he is older things will change and he will start to ask questions that might provoke SS to change things, but for now it seems like there isn't much to be done. It must be very painful to live feeling that you got duped and let down by the system in this way. I hope you do have someone you can talk to about this in real life.

I feel for you OP. However, I'm adopted and I think I would have found it very confusing and disruptive to have my birth mother partly present during my childhood. My adoptive mum was my 'mum' as far as I was concerned.

OP I'm so very sorry. It sounds to me like social services where you gave birth stole your child. They weaponized their 'assessment process' to keep you with the father, and then weaponized the fact that you were with the father to justify taking the baby away.

I once briefly, and very reluctantly, considered giving my baby up for adoption while pregnant (long story). The memory remains traumatic, and part of what was so awful about it was that adoption services seemed to be hell-bent on judging birth mothers. It's as if any woman who might consider or might be compelled into giving up a child was by definition monstrous. So I have a faint idea of what you're dealing with, and it's heartbreaking.

It sounds to me like you're suffering a great deal, and as you say, not just from the lack of contact with your child but also from the injustice of it all. Before you do anything to challenge the current arrangements (if you do), I'd try to do something to help yourself heal. You risk being misunderstood or making missteps if you try to address the situation while feeling so tortured.

I would be tempted to try anything to circumvent SS restrictions and just communicate with my child in any way possible if I were in your shoes. Clearly, these pedantic restrictions on contact reopen old wounds for you every time you encounter them. But in the interest of his stability and your future relationship with him it's better to move very carefully, as you clearly recognize.

I've recently been introduced to something called EMDR (eye movement desensitization and reprogramming) as a means to deal with trauma. It sounds a bit like hocus-pocus, but it sort of works for me.

Wishing you strength.

I would be tempted to try anything to circumvent SS restrictions and just communicate with my child in any way possible if I were in your shoes.

This is awful advice. It could be extremely detrimental to OP's son.

The details really do matter - but time and time again sw fail to correctly record information. From initial referral details to CIN assessments, all the way up to CP level intervention a picture needs to be formed for everyone and there are regularly mistakes (sometimes shockingly bad). These small details in assessments and reports guide other sw within the team, other professionals and the courts with their decisions. There are sw who are very unprofessional, and at worst completely incompetent. This is a known fact within children’s services, and management can be very poor. It is not helpful to pretend this isn’t the case, especially to the great sw who often have to pick up the pieces. A lot of sw suffer burn out and become numb to the whole thing, rushing through workloads because they are completely swamped with cases. It needs to change, standards are slipping rather than improving.

I haven't voted and I feel a lot of sympathy for you OP.
I am an adoptive mum of two who came to me really young (toddler and baby) and who have been home nearly 5 years.
When my husband and I went through the adoption training and then reading the kids reports, I didn't expect to have as much sympathy for the birth mum as I do.
I think the same as a lot of people, that you need to think about the child first. Certainly my two know they have older siblings that are old enough to live on their own now or are court ordered to live with birth mum or birth dad but not allowed to live together. This does cause a lot of confusion and questions and will no doubt raise more and more as they grow older. I do question my choice to tell them as they will ask what they look like and if they can come visit which then leads to more questions on why not.
Adoption is hard in that you are constantly thinking about their development and often wondering questions like "is she scared of loud noises because she just doesn't like them or is it because birth mum and dad regularly fought (domestic violence from both parties) and that has affected her" or "is he behind in his writing and reading because he was exposed to alcohol throughout the pregnancy and born 9 weeks early with no prenatal care or is he just developing abit slower than his classmates"
We offered to meet with birth mum but she refused probably for a number of reasons including it being very hard and scary for her.
I really think some counselling could help you and if you want more contact then ask. We have never had a letter back from either birth mum or dad but we save copies of them to show the kids once they are old enough. To write the letter is really hard as you want to put lots of detail in and show birth parents how well they are growing and progressing, but don't want to hurt them.
I have no idea whether my two will want to get in contact with birth family after they turn 18 but I do know that until then and forever they will be loved.

@SwitchUp

The details really do matter - but time and time again sw fail to correctly record information. From initial referral details to CIN assessments, all the way up to CP level intervention a picture needs to be formed for everyone and there are regularly mistakes (sometimes shockingly bad). These small details in assessments and reports guide other sw within the team, other professionals and the courts with their decisions. There are sw who are very unprofessional, and at worst completely incompetent. This is a known fact within children’s services, and management can be very poor. It is not helpful to pretend this isn’t the case, especially to the great sw who often have to pick up the pieces. A lot of sw suffer burn out and become numb to the whole thing, rushing through workloads because they are completely swamped with cases. It needs to change, standards are slipping rather than improving.

Yup.

I have borderline personality disorder and am a MANIC DEPRESSIVE (exactly how it’s written in my notes)

When I challenged this do you know what I was told? And I quote: ‘Well it’s on our system so it must be true’ - except they had my medical records and I have neither of those diagnoses.....

An example of a "little thing" - which did have to be rather grudgingly corrected in my case.

In the final SW report, for the final hearing, it was stated that I had not attended anti natal classes and this was a huge red flag signalling my inability and reluctance to engage with professionals.

My son was born at 35 weeks due to pre-eclampsia. My ante natal classes were due to start the week after his birth.