To think the way some birth mothers are treat is appalling

[SpringHasSprung20]

A decade ago when I was still in my teens I had a baby removed from me at birth by social services and put up for adoption against my will.

It wasn't me who was the risk, I was being abused by the father and fought so hard to get away, have him prosecuted and keep my baby. I've posted about my story before.

Fast forward to now I'm approaching 30. I have a family and I'm living on the other side of the country with two subsequent children in my care full time with no SS involvement. I have a good life and haven't spoken to the abusive ex since I left him. I'm a different person. A strong person.

SS never allowed to meet the adoptive parents because I was opposing the adoption.

Do you know what contact I have with my son? One letter per year, due every April but it's usually always months late.

All of my letters are inspected by an adoption social work team before they'll be passed on to the adoptive parents/my son. Protocol. Most years they are sent back to me to edit out parts where I've told him I love him or miss him. I'm not allowed to say that, it's too emotional apparently.

I'm not daft, I know it's not in his best interests for me to be emotional in letters so I never am - but I do want him to know he's loved.

They are pedantic beyond comprehension. One year I had a letter telling me he was doing well in school, in my reply I said I was proud and he's such a clever boy. They sent my letter back and made me change "you are so clever" to "you sound clever"

I've had to plead with the adoption team for years to ask the family if I can have a photo, after 8 years of the adoption team saying "we don't let birth parents have photos" a kind contact coordinator finally agreed to ask the family for me.

The family took a while to decide but agreed I could see a photo. I can't keep it though.

I have to liase with an adoption team in my area and ask that the photo be sent to them so I can go into the office and look at it on a computer screen. Once. That won't happen this year because of covid so I have another year to wait before I can even catch a glimpse of my little boy. I have no idea what he looks like other than the sweet 6 month old face I have in a photo album, taken at our "goodbye contact"

I'm not allowed to send birthday cards or presents because it's a pain for the adoption agency to facilitate.

I have a box here that I save his cards in every year but that's not the point really is it? Imagine being a child and never getting a birthday card from your mum.

I'm not allowed to tell him about his siblings in letters. I talk to them about him all of the time but they must be kept secret.

All of the above is wrapped up as being in his best interests of course, but is it really?

I don't think he'll feel that way later on.

If you were adopted wouldn't you want to know that your 'birth' mother loved you? Would you be happy to only hear from her once a year?

I'm not a criminal and I've never hurt a child or been accused of it. I'm a good person and a good mother. I have the backing of SS here completely, after I approached them when I moved here. The senior manager raised her own concerns about how I was treat by that local authority and couldn't believe the way they work.

AIBU to think the way some birth mothers are treat is appalling? I'm not referring to abusive people or people who neglect their children, but people like me and others who were let down terribly.

I cannot move past the injustice of it all.

Of course, there will always be wider issues in social work and child protection, it can't ever be perfect, and wider discussion of how society protects children is needed. I know SWs can practice badly, I know wrong decisions are made. I also know that babies can't wait while adults learn to put them first, they have to be put first straight away. Children need families, stability, and they have a right to safety. To say that an abused young woman cannot prioritise her baby, and leave an abusive relationship, and parent, is to do down the many young women who do do that. In cases where both mother and child are vulnerable, children's services will still treat the adult as an adult, and the child as a child, and therefore the child's needs always take precedence, over the choices of the adult. The system we have in the UK is far from perfect, but I would challenge anyone to find a perfect system, where those who need safeguarding are always protected, and they come out with no long term issues.

Most importantly, there is obviously OP here, who is in pain, and grieving her loss. The pros and cons of contact, etc is all abstract, and unhelpful to OP. Yes, she can complain, yes she can apply to the court for more contact. Will complaining change things for her, or others? I don't know, but I doubt it. Will applying to court for more contact improve relationships with the adoptive parents, who have PR, and make the ultimate decisions on contact? Again, I doubt it, and it could sour the relationship built so far, allowing view only photographs. Things are as they are, she is not going to 'get her son back', he may or may not choose to get in contact as an adult. OP can't change or affect her son's choices on this, in 10 plus years' time. OP can only manage her own emotions, her own anger, and her own loss, and I encourage her to do that, to enable her to move on, and put the children first.

OP I'm sorry for your loss.

[quote itdepends]@OVienna it sounds like we are reading the posts differently, which is fine, we can agree to differ. However, it is possible that your experience of a very needy birth parent might be colouring your views, and my experience of contact with birth parents as being normal without neediness being an issue is colouring my views.[/quote]
You think the OP doesn't sound needy?

And as for the people who seem intent on believing that SS always get it wrong and that children are routinely removed for no good reason, what about the times they don’t remove children when they should have. Baby P anyone?

As for the poster who stated that “they would want to know their birth parents,” I’m assuming you’re not adopted given the language you use, in which case you can’t possibly know, any more than I can know whether I wouldn’t want to know mine if I’d been adopted.

Every personal is an individual, and what works for one doesn’t work for another. I do think though that it’s unhelpful to suggest the OP’s ds may come looking for her when he’s older. Just as many children do, many others don’t and have no interest in doing so. These tv programmes where adoptees are reunited with their long lost families have a lot to answer for. And it’s also worth remembering that even if there is some kind of reunion, those relationships often don’t actually work out, and the loss can seem double.

I know people who have sought out their birth parents only to be rejected, others who just had nothing in common with them, and others who did end up with some kind of relationship with them.

Similarly I know people who have absolutely no interest in contacting their birth parents. They were adopted as babies and as far as they’re concerned, their parents are their parents, birth parent is just a name to them, even when, in the case of someone I knew, she was adopted as a baby as her mum was a teenager and it just wasn’t the done thing then to have a baby out of wedlock so she did what she thought was best. She doesn’t have any bad feeling towards her birth parent, but she’s not her mum, no matter how much the birth parent might want to think she is.

What a sad thread.

OP, I don't think your needs and your son's needs are aligned at the moment. The priority is rightly his needs - he needs to continue to build a secure loving relationship with his adoptive family, so it makes sense to me that expressions of love could be harmful to him at the moment, or that increased contact could be harmful, because he may well be too young to deal with the complicated feelings that this could cause. That's not to say that he will never be able to deal with them or that you can't have a close relationship in the future, but you cannot hang everything on this because it may or may not happen.

I think the kindest thing for everyone involved is to accept that whatever the wrongs of the past might be, what matters is now - there is no taking it back and even if there was scope for legal challenge etc this is probably way more harmful than accepting the status quo.

In the present, the focus should be on healing - speaking to someone to try and process your pain in a constructive way which is not reliant on recovering the relationship. Accepting that you can only control your own actions- so you can create a box of memories if your son seeks you out. But moving past the guilt and hope which is currently guiding you, and which surely must be impacting your relationship with your other children. This amount of pain and wishes for things to be different is harmful to everyone involved.

just take him off you at 36 weeks pregnant with mo warning! I'm so angry for you.
I definitely think you should take this to court, and also get your local mp involved, go to the papers, what ever it takes this should not be happening .

But even by OP's account, this isn't what happened. This is not what happens.

Concerns were raised at 36 weeks, and OP was told the baby would need to be looked after at birth. There was then five months when OP potentially had time to leave the abusive situation, keep contact with the baby (several times a week) before the baby was placed with adoptive parents. There would be chance (and legal aid) for OP to appeal to the courts at each stage. Then there will have been at least ten weeks before the adoptive parents could apply for an adoption order. If OP had no idea that her abusive situation was not going to be ok for a baby until someone outside told her at 36 weeks, that's worrying. I don't doubt that OP was a victim, but equally, the baby needed protecting, and babies can't wait forever. Women do leave abusive situations in less than five months, and create safe homes for their babies, it's possible. Obviously OP wasn't in a place to do that, but that doesn't mean a baby should be kept waiting forever.

@AlternativePerspective

And as for the people who seem intent on believing that SS always get it wrong and that children are routinely removed for no good reason, what about the times they don’t remove children when they should have. Baby P anyone?

Where is ANYONE saying that SS always get it wrong? They’re not but as many in here seem want to do, you are using exaggeration to dismiss an uncomfortable truth: sometimes they do, sometimes they act with unconscious bias, sometimes they act out of fear of recriminations for getting it wron, sometimes they go as far a fabricating and lying.

That is wrong.

It is even more wrong to expect people to STFU about the injustices that DO happen. And it is right and proper that parents snd families damaged by these injustices have fair and supported access to righting those injustices (and no, I’m not talking about children who have been adopted out being returned - the horse has already bolted at that point).

Op, I believe you. Ss are staffed by humans. Not all humans are the same. I hope you find peace

What this thread does show is that, for the good of society, there should be funding for birth parent support after adoption, therapy, and increased support for women and girls to educate about abusive relationships, parenting, and contraception.

OP, you're correct that after adoption support for birth parents is inadequate.

And as for the people who seem intent on believing that SS always get it wrong and that children are routinely removed for no good reason
I don't believe for a second SS always get it wrong, they can and have made mistakes, they are invaluable to society and the majority if DC absolutely need to be removed and places with a loving family.

I think you need to find away of forgetting about him

Well that's not going to happen is it.

sadly I don't see any insight from the OP

That's strange, because one of the deciding factors from SS here for needing no further involvement with me and my second born - was because of the amount of insight I do have.

As I have said throughout the thread, I have never underestimated the risk my ex partner posed to me and my son. I didn't oppose him going into foster care. I wanted him to be safe.

I wanted to flee at 20 weeks pregnant but was told not to disrupt the assessment, remember.

The foster carer opposed the adoption totally and was extremely upset with SS for refusing to consider anything other than adoption.

The foster carer felt i should be placed with her and baby where I would be safe.

They refused.

I'm not lying, I have a huge wad of paperwork here that proves everything I have said. I do not lack insight whatsoever.

What happened to my son, and me, was a miscarriage of justice.

I'm happy to delve further for those who doubt me. Some people here know who I am and remember my story well.

Mid way through proceedings I decided to represent myself in court as my solicitor wasn't acting in my best interests. She wasn't putting forward what I wanted to say. I dismissed her and represented myself.

I submitted, to the court, my own bundle of paperwork and letter.

That panel of three magistrates, mid way through proceedings, said they were concerned that social services were not considering other options. I was granted an application to apply to be housed in a mother and baby unit, not with the foster carer but an independent unit.

It was granted. I was ecstatic. SS were ordered to source one of these units for me within 14 days.

I expressed my concern that my babies dad was going to do something to stop me being reunited with my son as he didn't want to lose control of me or have us reunited away from him.

Nothing was put in place to safeguard me in the meantime, between being granted that placement and getting moved there.

Social services were stalling and failed to source a placement within the required period of time.

Back to court, where the magistrates effectively lambasted the social worker for not following their instructions. They were given an amount of days to source the placement.

All the while the clock was ticking and we were approaching the cut off point for the case being closed.

Within that period of time where I was waiting for them to find me a placement, there was a police call. I was told to call the police when nessecary by SS.

My ex, purposely, told an attending officer "don't say anything to social services please because she's going to get baby back"

The police reported this to social services.

Social services used that info to make an application to 'stay' the order made by the magistrates.

This meant our case was transferred from the current magistrates court, to a county court in the next town.

I was in a refuge by this point.

They refused to reconsider a mother and baby placement.

It was too late they said.

I had my goodbye contact.

At the final hearing, the judge addressed me and said

"I take no pleasure in making this decision. It is clear to me that you love your son very much, but to place him with you now would be an experiment"

An experiment.

Hepsie and others who know that what I'm saying does happen, thank you for sharing your professional and personal experiences that back up my version of events.

Is open adoption really not common in the UK?

The current trend in the US is strongly toward open adoptions, a sort of two family approach which gives the birth mother a lot of choice in the level of contact. This is not seen as confusing or unsettling for the child, rather it takes a lot of the mystery and secrecy out of the adoption process.

@percypetulant

What this thread does show is that, for the good of society, there should be funding for birth parent support after adoption, therapy, and increased support for women and girls to educate about abusive relationships, parenting, and contraception.

OP, you're correct that after adoption support for birth parents is inadequate.

Agree this is a pretty horrid thread - but if it makes just one person in an abusive relationship sit up and take notice it would be worth it.

Of course SW make mistakes, or can be terrible at their job. But when a baby is removed at birth that takes multiple SW, legal people, the judge etc...its not a matter of one person getting it wrong. You have to believe that everyone, lots of people, also got it wrong.
It takes a lot of time, money, effort and teamwork to have a child adopted. It's not a simple matter, there are endless steps to take.

The current trend in the US is strongly toward open adoptions, a sort of two family approach which gives the birth mother a lot of choice in the level of contact. This is not seen as confusing or unsettling for the child, rather it takes a lot of the mystery and secrecy out of the adoption process

That's in the US type adoptions where the BM willingly surrenders her child, which is extremely uncommon in the UK. The BM doesn't get much choice in the level of contact when the child has been removed from her care due to neglect, abuse etc.

I believe you OP 💐
I think feeling believed is so important when you're suffering trauma caused by mistreatment which people doubt because it doesn't line up with their experience/view of a particular system. I'm sorry you've received so many harsh replies. I can completely believe that SS made a heavy-handed intervention, especially ten years ago in the wake of Baby P's death. I know it's so awful to be tricked and victim-blamed, and to tell the truth only to be told "that's just your side of the story" or "you lack insight".
You are not selfish - your feelings matter.
From your posts and the way you speak well of the adoptive parents you actually come across as very unselfish and insightful.
Wishing you the best 💐

@percypetulant

What this thread does show is that, for the good of society, there should be funding for birth parent support after adoption, therapy, and increased support for women and girls to educate about abusive relationships, parenting, and contraception.

OP, you're correct that after adoption support for birth parents is inadequate.

HHJ Wildblood agrees. See his damning criticism of a short sighted LA only interested in fire fighting instead of support and prevention

www.forbessolicitors.co.uk/news/45435/family-court-judge-criticises-the-lack-of-therapeutic-support-offered-to-a-mother-who-faces-losing-her-second-child

I will also point out once again that I'm not anti SS.

My most recent experience of SS when pregnant with DS2 restored my faith in the system. I was allocated a senior social worker who went above and beyond for me.

She condemned the way my case was handled and said had I lived here at the time, that wouldn't have happened, because "we certainly don't work that way here"

That wonderful social worker was promoted to manager after my case was closed, probably not because of my case but because she was a bloody good social worker. She cares.

I was sad when she told me, after I gave birth, that I wouldn't see her again.

She brought a lovely teddy for DS and said she was proud of me and that I should never doubt myself as a person or a parent.

She touched my heart and I'll always remember her fondly.

I'm not anti social services.

I'm anti (that local authority) social services.

@AlternativePerspective

And as for the people who seem intent on believing that SS always get it wrong and that children are routinely removed for no good reason, what about the times they don’t remove children when they should have. Baby P anyone?

Both things can be true, though, can't they? SS may sometimes not act quickly enough, and sometimes they may over-estimate a risk. It's a phenomenally difficult job, especially in a case like the OP's, where they are trying to prevent harm occurring in the first place, as opposed to reacting to harm that has already occurred.

I am not denying that SWs can be lazy/officious/misguided - just like professionals in every other walk of life. But even then best, most engaged, most hard-working SW in the world cannot predict with perfect accuracy which mother in the OP's situation is going to be able to leave her abuser and turn things around. That's why, wherever possible, a prolonged assessment in a supportive environment is the ideal, but that does rely on the co-operation of the BM, which isn't always given. I am not saying that the OP would not have co-operated - she says she wasn't offered this type of assessment - but not all BMs do.

I’m quite perplexed @WasThereAplan with your view on this and assume it doesn’t come from the example you gave? Because your personal example appears to demonstrate that the system works - you were falsely accused, the allegations were thoroughly investigated, and then you were exonerated. You’d done nothing wrong and once this was determined, case closed. I can only imagine how traumatic a time it was for you, but it’s not an example of a broken system. They couldn’t just accept your word without investigation that the accusation was malicious- because that’s exactly what someone who was guilty would say.

As it happens, I totally believe what the OP says may be true, I can’t know it is true, but I certainly believe it’s possible it did. It doesn’t even seem that far fetched to me. I think she needs to assess where she goes from here though, even though what (probably) happened was undeniably an injustice to her and her child.

Oh wow just read about baby P & it was the same council who screwed up over little Victoria Climbe.... how did so many people fail those kids?

@PicsInRed

From what I know of abusive relationships and the blame heaped on mothers for being in one (then the total lack of assistance in leaving and staying out - followed by forced contact with the father for both child and indirectly the mother) ... I believe you.

I can absolutely believe something like this would happen and our family court and social services systems really are going to be seen as a shocking disgrace in decades to come.

OP

All of this.

You are right to be angry OP, you are right to be distraught. I hear you.

I have a massive amount of sympathy for you OP. It's a horrible situation, but I did vote YABU.
I'm not going to comment on the original circumstances of the adoption as they're in the past and can't be changed, but rather things as they are now.
Your son is around ten or eleven based on the information you've given. That's still very young for the kind of emotional upheaval that could come from having increased knowledge of or contact with you and your children.
He might find it very difficult to cope with trying to reconcile where he fits in the world and having two families, especially if it prompted a lot of questions around the circumstances of the adoption that he is too young to know.
Some children might take it in their stride but others might really struggle and have it be extremely disruptive to their lives.
The reason that adoptive children only look up their birth parents after 18 is because it's generally the earliest that most will have the maturity to cope with any difficulties that arise around it, and even then it can be hard.
If it helps, in my own family, my aunt gave birth in her early teens and my cousin was adopted. He got in touch with us in his early twenties and we've since built good relationships, and he knows his half-siblings. His adoptive parents are lovely people and I'm really glad he had them growing up.
I do hope he gets in touch when he's older and you get a similar outcome. Much love and to you.

@OVienna feeling torment about the loss of a child or anything else isn't needy and expressing needs is also not "needy". Being aware of your own feelings and needs and expressing them is not "needy".
Someone becomes "needy" when their feelings override the feelings of other people, either not being aware of other people's needs or purposefully ignoring them. And no, the OP hasn't indicated that her needs override the needs of other people. She has clearly expressed her acknowledgement that she does not want to disrupt her ds' life and I would say that that is the opposite of "needy". (Sorry OP hope that didn't sound patronising)

ovienna and @2021namechanger I do just want to offer my experience as something which might be outside your experience. I had contact with birth mother through most of childhood and as I said upthread one benefit for me was that I knew exactly where I came from and the circumstances, and I was then and still am now crystal clear about why I could not live with her. Another benefit was that she loved me in the sense that she was very interested in what I had to say when we saw each other, and that was a positive thing for me. It was not ever about my birth mother's needs and it didn't erode my relationship with my adoptive parents. It meant that I didn't go through mental and emotional struggles as a teenager or as an 18 year old or older wondering whether I should or shouldn't contact her. If you read case studies about successful direct contact, you will find similar stories. I am not saying contact is right in every situation, but I am saying that there is more than one way of looking at contact.